Wednesday, 14 November 2012
“We only accept the love that we think we deserve”- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Admit it, none of us have FULLY given up on wanting that “Fairytale Romance” for ourselves. We all have a list of things in our minds that make up “the one,” and while we hope to find that guy, we keep ourselves realistic by telling ourselves that we do not live in a perfect little movie. Apparently, there is a fine line between thinking positive and being naïve.
We are self defeating in our search for our special person because we put up this wall and tell ourselves that when our "Prince Charming" comes along he will break down our wall. Now THAT thought is unrealistic. You must open up and fully give love to get love. It's only fair. We think that we can put this guard up, be unavailable but someone is supposed to give us that Disney type of love anyway? No! That's not how it works. Love and affection must be a two-way street. If you want someone to take the risk of putting themselves out there for you, then you need to pay them the same respect.
I found the guy that fit all the qualifications under my secret “perfect guy checklist” in Fall 2011. He was my best friend, we had a great time together, he made me feel safe and he helped me get over my past trauma, without even trying. I wanted to meet a guy that would make me feel special just in the way he looked at me, and that was exactly what he did. Not only was he perfect, we were perfect together. We complimented each other’s personality; it was like we were each other’s missing puzzle piece.
Want to know what I did when I found that guy? I consciously and subconsciously sabotaged it. I knew how much he cared about me by the way he looked at me on our first date and it overwhelmed me. I would make excuses on why it wouldn’t work and push him away. I thought I was protecting him because I thought he cared about me too much and I didn’t think I was all in. One day, I pushed him too far and he ended it with me, which was what I thought I wanted all along. Boy, was I wrong. See, after I went through a life of people hurting me, I unknowingly kept people at an arms length. Unfortunately for me, I did not realize this little tidbit about myself until I ended it with Mr. Perfect. Wow did that suck, finding out that I fell in love after I lost the guy, and it was completely my fault.
Remember when I told you about the catastrophic event that you face when you hold your emotions in too long? Well, my breakup with Mr. Perfect was like the breaking of the Hoover Dam that so perfectly held my emotions back for so long, and everything that I ever went through came rushing back to the surface. I never let myself really feel any of the traumas I went through and never let myself mourn for too long. The fact that I couldn’t stop crying when my relationship with Mr. Perfect ended was completely baffling to me. I had gone through hell and back without a wince, and some relationship with a guy is what broke me down? It just didn’t make sense! Relationship issues should be cake for someone with a past like mine!
Our break up was a God sent because even though it was unbelievably agonizing, it was also incredibly liberating. It made me realize how disillusioned I got in my diversion game that I became ignorant to my own emotions. It made me REALLY face my past and give it the mourning it deserved so that I could finally move on. I needed to do something quickly to pick myself up, especially since I was graduating college that year. It was brutal, my professors were bullies (story for another post), my parents were both in India and I was too busy for a social life. I had to go through this completely alone.
I spent the year focusing on what I needed and wanted for myself to get happy. I became comfortable being alone for the first time in my life. I finally got a job as a preschool teacher, which Mr. Perfect had pushed me towards when we were dating since I had told him I missed my calling to work with children. He was right, and it was exactly what I needed.
My past no longer owns me because I have made it into a positive. I found my life purpose at the preschool and working with foster children. My life has given me the experience and understanding to help these children who direly need it. I have embraced where I’ve been because it has paved the way for where I will go, which I’m positive will be a bright place.
I am finally genuinely happy for the first time in my life because I am following my own dreams instead of everyone else’s dream for me. I think that accepting that I loved him helped me open up and love myself. I was always quite confident in myself, but I never really took care of myself until I completely fell apart. I could no longer play the exhausting diversion/cover-up game with myself and finally healed the RIGHT way. When I did recover, it brought a whole new level of self-confidence because I knew I could withstand anything. I had a better understanding of myself and I finally let go of the past to make room for new amazing memories. I also know that I am no longer a “volcano waiting to erupt” and that is a great feeling.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all this is: we make or break our own life. If we want our life to be a certain way, we have the power to make it that way. The wonderful things in life are available to you, but seeing is believing and perception is reality, so you must believe that it does exist so that you can experience it. Be your own best friend, instead of your own worst enemy. The only way everything can fall into place is if you can envision the life you want, desire that life for yourself and make diligent efforts to achieve it. Take a few minutes everyday to think about something in your life you’d like to fix and start chipping away at it. You’ll get there as long as you love yourself enough to make that first step.
As for Mr. Perfect and mine’s status, we are still in touch but right now both of us are focused on our careers. Who knows what the future will hold. Hopefully we do end up together after we are both content in reaching our personal endeavors and we can be confident about making it through rocky roads together. Regardless if we do or not, he will always hold a special place in my heart because he helped me love myself again, whether he did it intentionally or not, I will always be incredibly thankful to him for that.
I think we can all have that “Fairytale Romance” but we have to first love ourselves to allow our “Mr. Perfect” to love us. We don't have to go searching for him, we just have to prepare for the meeting. We prepare by making our lives absolutely spectacular that it makes us glow from our inner happiness so that it will attract our perfect "Prince Charming." Once we are content in our own lives then we can live happily ever after with that special someone. After all, we only want the best for the person we love, right? Make your life worth sharing. Be irresistible through your joy.