Tuesday, 13 November 2012
-
Too Crazy to Date
I have no problem admitting that I have mental health problems; I’m not ashamed of it anymore. It does not make me a weak person, rather, my struggles have shaped who I am but do not define me. However, with a mental illness comes a certain amount of baggage and I’m well aware that I have plenty... enough to make almost any guy run.
I have been in therapy and on medication for several years and I have been pretty stable since starting college (I am now a senior). I have dated here and there, had one relationship, but for the most part I avoid relationships. I feel like any guy my age shouldn’t have to deal with everything that comes along with me. It isn’t that I’m not deserving of a relationship, it’s that I don’t think it would be fair to them. Even though I’m stable I still have bad days and I’m still dealing with abuse that happened in my past.There is a guy now, who I would like to date, but I’m worried that I scared him away. We met over summer and we hung out several times, fooled around, but decided not to get into a relationship because of the distance when I’m at school. A few weeks ago I was at a party and I drank (I shouldn’t drink while on my medication) and I took a drug that a stranger gave me (smart, I know). I ended up having a horrible drug/alcohol interaction and I hurt myself pretty badly.
I ended up calling him while I waited for a friend to get me and take me to the hospital. Later we talked about it and he said that I just incoherently rambled and he stayed on the phone to make sure I got help. I apologized and told him that it wasn’t his job to watch out for me and I was sorry I put that responsibility on him. He said that he doesn’t see it that way and he was just glad I wasn’t hurt worse.Things have been pretty awkward since then. I will soon be going home for Thanksgiving break and we were planning on hanging out but maybe I should just let things die off. He’s a really nice guy and I don’t want to hurt him. Although my drug induced mental breakdown isn’t a normal thing for me, I don’t think it’s something that anyone should have to deal with - especially because we aren’t actually in a relationship.
So, what do you think? Am I too crazy to date? Should I avoid damaging one of the few nice guys still in existence?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: geekgirl
- Name: geekgirl
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 3883 Comments: 0 26 View all posts by geekgirl
Comments (26)
Instead of avoiding dating, you could just not have drug-induced breakdowns.
You didn't actually tell us anything that makes you sound too crazy to date, other than your less-than-intelligent drug use.
OMFG that pic is hot. I love crazy chicks. You have no idea.
Crazy ≠fucking hypocrite though. You can be crazy without being flat-out wrong. Don't go acting like you're responsible for whoever you date or their happiness if you're not going to take full responsibility for it. That's just melodramatic martyristic bullshit. Date if you want to.
Step one to not being crazy:
Realizing that whether someone wants to be with you is for that person, not you, to decide.
I think this is a really personal question. None of us know you and we
can't possibly give you an answer based on this post. I've been where
you are and I never dated men seriously. The way I thought about was that I wouldn't put up with my behavior coming from anyone so no one should have had to put up with me. I was no where near ready to deal with my problems so I didn't and I didn't drag anyone else into them. Instead of just letting things die down, why don't you let him decide whether or not he wants to be with you despite of your problems. If you are working on your problems, it is something he could possibly support you with.
since you seem to be considerate of whether or not you'll damage one of few nice guys still in existence, then it would probably be nice to not damage him if that's what you think that you'll do. maybe he doesn't want a serious relationship either since you just casually fooled around and he's also "crazy" but hasn't shown it yet. who knows. I woudn't really want someone to put up with my crazy side while in a relationship or not in a relationship. I personally believe that one should be "ready" for a relationship before they get into one, whatever that means. or crazy people go with crazy people and nice people go with nice people if that's who they really are. who really knows. I thought some people were "nice" at first, but later they showed their crazy side. what if they are both crazy and nice
that's for you to figure out.
I think it's unfair to assume you know what that person can handle. It's wonderful that you care how you effect another persons life but if he has all the facts laid out let him make the choice.
It's unfair for you to assume you know what choice he should make. It also seems more like your making an excuse to protect your self just incase he changes his mind.
@LALALANDFM@xanga - Nailed it.
Give each other a chance to love and enjoy one another. No one feels enough when they find some one they admire.
A few things:
Don't give up on him because you took drugs and alcohol.
Give up the drugs especially from strangers.....give up the alch and spend time with him and see what happens!
Good luck :)
Never assume that someone can't handle you. When I first met my boyfriend, I told him EVERYTHING (and believe me, I have a lot of baggage!) - it didn't scare him off and we have an incredible relationship. Yeah, I've dated guys before who couldn't handle my past, but a lot of that was because I wasn't honest and didn't tell them everything up front. Be honest, be open and be yourself, and you'll be surprised how much other people can handle.
But, before you commit to anything, I think you need to control yourself. I've been on anti-depressants where I couldn't drink, and to do so (and to take unknown drugs) is just downright stupid, dangerous and shows you're probably too immature for a relationship. Those instructions are there for a reason, and taking anything unknown (ESPECIALLY with your problems) is really, really stupid. Get some help - stop drinking, and learn to control your illness so it doesn't control you. I've been there, it sucks, but getting the help and sorting yourself out is SO worth it. Good luck :)
hello fellow crazy person.
it is my personal belief that we all have the right to have interpersonal relationships. as long as the person is aware of the full extent of your mental illness i dont see why it would be a problem. if he likes you and is willing to deal with it then that means you have a really great guy and shouldnt let him get away.
another thing: dont let these people dictate your behaviour. it is certainly not wise to take medications that are not your medications and drink in excess with them however people do this all the time.
dont let people demean you for mistakes you have made. maturity has nothing to do with anything because even the most sober serious people in the world do stupid things sometimes.
if you are a habitual drug user/alcholic that might be a bit of a problem but almost all college students experiment at some point or another.
dont feel bad about things you cant change.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "Step one to not being crazy: Realizing that whether someone wants to be with you is for that person, not you, to decide."
..............
@learningtolive_again@xanga - What's your problem?
"He refused to wait and work towards building a relationship with me."
http://www.datingish.com/769381180/re-requited-love/?id=1527392781
+ numerous text messages where I declined to meet up with her if she wanted to mess around outside of a committed relationship and she took that as me not showing enough interest and not "wanting" her when that couldn't be further from the truth and preemptively broke things off with me for no (true) reason whatsoever, but all you ever see is "obsessive stalker" propaganda against me, ironically because I have self-control.
She was the one who refused to wait and broke her promise to wait for me TWICE (well, a lot more than twice if she's telling the truth). I never slept with or dated anyone else just as I had promised and I am still working toward building a relationship with her. If you actually take the time and read her side of the story and mine, you'll see hers tries to prove I'm not interested enough in her yet in total contrast to this fact SHE is the one who decided she wants nothing to do with ME.
I said "Realizing that whether someone wants to be with you..."
not
'Realizing that whether someone wants to ignore you and delude herself to avoid having to realize that she is perpetually cheating on you...'.
Unless you know the whole story, keep the ".............." bullshit to yourself.
you're right, you sound like you need to work on yourself more at the moment.
I'm currently worried that my mental health issues may be keeping me from having a relationship w/ someone I care about A LOT. He knows most of my history but not all. I've only had one "episode" since we met, and because it happened when we barely knew each other I know it didn't scare him off, but I'm still scared of doing that.
All that being sad, there are some differences between you and I. If you KNOW drinking is a bad idea when you're on meds, and you do it anyway, you're not being responsible. That's not a good idea if you're trying to get in a relationship. Obviously the same goes with drugs. I know, it can be a drag (I know cuz I have to deal with that too!). If you really want to be a good person for someone else, you have to be able to take care of YOU first! You know you deserve to be healthy and that you deserve love, but you gotta take care of yourself. That's ALWAYS number one =)
I also agree that you have to let this guy make his decision regarding being with you or not. I dated a guy for a LONG time when I was still very unstable and constantly asked him "OMG why do you love me? Why are you still with me?! You deserve so much better" etc etc. Just because I didn't think he could handle me and that he shouldn't have had to deal with my problems doesn't mean he felt the same or that what I thought was true. Leave the decision to him, and help him make the decision only by being the best and healthiest version of yourself that you can be =)
@learningtolive_again@xanga - Read what I said over again:
"Step one to not being crazy: Realizing that whether someone wants to be with you is for that person, not you, to decide."
Yet you're still giving me this shit, trying to convince me to 'move on' clearly in spite of the fact that I want her. Gain some self-awareness FFS and stop being in denial for her by proxy.
I have Bipolar & BPD, so I know where you're coming from, & for a long while I didn't date, simply because I didn't feel stable enough to handle myself & someone else. A relationship was too much work to deal with alongside my own personal problems. Now that I'm dating, I'm just teaching myself to be more "good crazy". Most guys find my manic & up phases adorable, & when I'm feeling down I just tell them I need to be alone.
I don't know you personally, but it sounds like your biggest problem is self control. That's actually easier to fix than you think, once you really begin to embrace maturity. For example, I used to go to parties, get wasted, & pop every pill in sight. Thankfully I wasn't dating at the time, but if I had, I would rightfully have been broken up with, I'm sure. Now that I'm growing up, I'm realizing I need to live with my mental problems instead of fighting them & therefore exacerbating them. You have to do the same thing. It's not easy, but if you take things one step at a time, it will be a lot easier than you think. Start simple; control how much you drink at parties. Tell yourself you'll just have one, & mean it. Or do what I do & put a very little amount of alcohol in your mixed drink so that you keep a nice steady buzz but you don't get ridiculous, & yet you still feel like you're drinking with your friends.
You live & you learn. Your post is acknowledging that you made a mistake that night, & that's a huge step toward learning self control. I definitely don't think you should drop this guy. He's seen you at your worst & still wants to be with you, & people like us need someone who balances us out, so I definitely think you should give it a chance. Don't live in fear of your illness. Embrace it, because it's a part of who you are. I'll admit, there are days when I hate myself because being manic makes me an absolute chatterbox, I make stupid jokes, I stammer or can't form sentences correctly because sometimes there are too many thoughts in my head at once.. but while that may drive some people away, others will find it endearing because it's a part of who you are. & if it's something you really don't like, change it! Work with it! Make it work for you. It's difficult, but it's the best feeling in the world when you figure out how to get along with yourself.
Why don't you give him the respect of letting him choose what he's willing to put up with.
And don't take drugs and alcohol.I don't think you're to crazy to date at all.
Honestly, if he cares enough about you, he won't mind the baggage that comes with. That's what a partner is there for; to help us carry our baggage.Be honest with him,and PLEASE don't take drugs.Just be careful and everything will be fine :)
If you feel unfit to date, please DO NOT date. Seems like way too much drama to drag him into.
I know the feeling of not wanting to bring other people into your life out of not wanting to get them hurt or drag them into your problems. However, if you like him, he likes you, and you discuss everything with him before hand it's his decision if he wants to stick it out or not. Just don't hold it against him. Hang out with him when you go home. I don't see a reason you can't just hang out, not like hanging out automatically means it'll turn into a relationship.
I don't believe ANY of us are in any position to decide whether someone should date us or not. Crazy or not; everyone has their own level of patience and tolerance. There is no general standard of what is normal in a relationship, even though people like to believe there is. Some issues seem extreme to some, and to others, it is nothing but miniscule insecurities or issues that are simple to tolerate and easy to compromise.
Moral of my story?? Give him a chance and let him decide what he can tolerate. Heck, I'm nuts as it is, and my husband puts up WITH IT ALL! He has become so used to certain behaviors of mine, that he knows automatically what to say and do to calm me down. His support through MY mental issues is what helps me through my episodes, rather than dealing with it myself. It doesn't make or break our capability of creating our lives together. In fact, I told him the same thing you think about; how much I hate what I feel I'm doing to him. He should be with someone who doesn't come with so much mental baggage. His response: Please stop thinking for me.
It depends what you look like.
Men will deal with a good amount of crazy if it's compensated with hotness.
I don't make the rules, just acknowleging them. If he didn't run away after that ish, you're probably hot and he doesn't see it as crazy, just a way in.
It seems to me that you enjoy booze and drugs more than you care about dating. So I start to wonder why you care about dating at all if drugs and booze is more fun.
Lots of girls out there when their guy makes them feel good - they back away
If you think you're not ready to date, self-fulfilling prophecy.
Frankly I think if you can't say "No" to alcohol/drugs, regardless of other issues, you're not ready to date.