Monday, 12 November 2012
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Dirty Little Secret
Recently, one of my grade school friends found out he is a half brother. Now, we're all grown adults in our almost late 20s and he just found this out. He didn't even know when we were in middle school. His dad had a baby with a previous woman before he got married to my friend's mom. Here's the catch: That previous woman never bothered to tell his dad that she got pregnant. So that child grew up her entire life never knowing her real father and my friend's dad never even knew he had another child. I found this very disturbing that a woman would keep such a big secret.I'm sure my friend's mom flipped her shit when she found out but it was not the dad's fault. That woman kept it a secret and they all now obviously have to either accept it or divorce.
Another friend of mine dated this girl who never knew her father. She was a one-night hook-up baby and her mother never told the guy. When she got older, they tried to re-connect but she felt it was too weird since she never knew her father and was always with her mother. I feel that women should at least give the guy a chance to see if he wants to be in the baby's life instead of never telling him at all. That's unethical.
What do you think about women not telling their "baby's daddy" for the lack of a better term about the kid?
Have you ever known anyone to deal with this situation and how did they handle it?
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- From: xinq@xanga
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Comments (34)
I read this entry and it seemed confusing to me, it seems like there's a half bro and half sis that don't know each other to be as such, so the possibility of incest could arise, but yeah, that's probably not what you yard wanting to convey
my mom is a single parent and she did just fine. pushing me around like a ping pong ball for weekend visitations with each parent would annoy me and being caught in the middle of their separation drama would not be something that I'd like. I'd probably grow up resenting either or both parents. I'm glad that my mom had nothing to do with my dad. if he was decent, then she would've been with him, but actions speak louder than words. I don't know if my mom told him about me and after all this time, I don't care to know. I'd rather live not knowing a bad father than live with deadbeat drama. my family had enough drama even without a dad, so the less drama, the better. she should tell him depending on the situation. I think she should do what she think would be best to protect her child though. if he's bad news, don't bother.
To be honest, my mother had a child before she had me at 16. I never knew about her. I found out, because my father told me in one of his drunken tangents, so when I'd gone home from visiting him at the age of 12, I asked her. She denied it until I was 17 or 18, and she had given this child up for adoption.
A lot of people have past mistakes/regrets they'd like to keep to themselves. My mother was not proud of what she had done, so she wanted to keep it under wraps, and understandably so. I now, however, am aware of a half-sister who is ten years older than me. I'd love to meet her, but it was a closed adoption, so I will never be able to find her. I do wonder, however, what she'd be like on a daily basis.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Fair enough. Though my friend's dad isn't a bad man, if he was/is I'm sure not even my friend's mom would still be with him.
@tictact0e0@xanga - No, I actually agree that people need to say all the children that they have and not hide it. What if by off chance my friend and his half sister met at a club or bar and started to hit it off? They would have no clue. Lol, I'm just saying why would anyone ask a girl/guy if they're related? So they would never know at all. Unless he brought her home and then that's when his dad told him.
It's important for a baby to have its father in its life. Take Obama for example. Imagine what he could have done with his life if his dad hadn't abandoned him as a baby.
You don't know why the mother didn't tell the dad. She may have had a good reason not to tell him.
This really isn't a simple question to answer. It depends on the situation and the relationship. Under normal and "ideal" situations, the woman should tell the man and let him decide whether or not they want to have a relationship with their child. I don't think about women who don't tell the man that got them pregnant that they are fathers. It's not my business. I don't know why the mother of your friend's half sister didn't tell your friend's father she was pregnant. I am not that kind of person. Most of the men from my past, I would have let them know. Most of them were decent to great guys (for some other woman). However, there is one guy in my life that I would in no way shape or form want anything to do with me, my child, my friends, or my enemies. So I am sure the woman that do it have their reasons. Whether I agree with them or not is another story.
basic bitch was all on my baby daddy. I grab her by her damn weave and tell her to stay away from mi papi. Do I tell chongos bout my love life, hell nah. Rosa hits it and quit it.
In my opinion, it was a one night stand and if she felt she would never see him again, I can see why she wouldn't bother. But that is me. This guy was nothing to her and nothing in her life but a one nighter.
Or is this your friends friend that was a one night stand baby? Either way, if the man meant nothing to them, I can see not telling them. I don't think it is sad or anything. I think it is sad people just sleep with each other so easily that they put themselves in this situation!!!! That is what is sad.Unless your friends mom is completely unreasonable there's no reason she should even be upset about it. Did he tell her he was a virgin before they got together? If he never knew the other lady was even pregnant there's no reason for it to even really be an issue. Having to deal with the other kid and what to do with it on the other hand is a bit different.
I found out I have a half brother I've never met when I was around my early or mid 20's. Was definitely odd, still never met the guy though. It's a tough situation to be in, so my condolences to you friends family.
As for women keeping it from the guy, I guess it's entirely up to them. Not really fair for the kid to never know their father, but if that's what the mom wants and she goes into hiding and the father never even knows, I guess it's her decision. I'd probably be pissed if a girl ever stole my kid without telling me it even existed though.
This is quite a regular occurrence in our western society now, unfortunately. I agree with you, it's pretty disturbing.
It worries me that people think it's totally okay to keep children from knowing their fathers. If you choose to have sex with someone, learn to deal with the consequences of it. If you don't want that person to be the father of your potential child, use protection or don't have sex with them. Keeping a child from their father because of your mistake/embarrassment/whatever is horribly unfair. It's not their fault and they deserve to know who their dad is. If the dad then doesn't bother, you can at least look your kid square in the face and say that you tried.
it probably depends on the situation. like if it was a one-night stand, then there's no reason to tell the guy. if they know each other pretty well, then MAYBE she should have told the father.
we don't really know enough details to judge their actions.
It sounds like it was just a one night stand, & in that case maybe she didn't care to have him in her life or when she saw he was getting married/in a serious relationship she decided she didn't want to ruin that. We'd need the full story to really decide. In any case, I don't think the father should have to be told. I mean, he decided to sleep around & one of the girls he slept with became pregnant. That doesn't mean she instantly has to make him a part of her life, just because she decided to keep the baby.
@Awake_My_Soul420@xanga - From my understanding actually it was a father's previous girlfriend. My friend said they were having some family troubles so I'm guess it didn't go over so well with his mom.
The second scenario I mentioned the one-night stand baby was a different person. Either way though, I'd like to know if I'd had another siblings in case I ever ran into them and thought I could date them and then it turns out I was related to them...would kind of gross me out. Haha, and that's why people shouldn't hook up with anyone right away. I wonder if someone's hooked up with a long lost half sibling or sibling and never knew it.
@tictact0e0@xanga - Some secrets, especially as huge as a baby shouldn't be kept, IMO. Of course I'm not going to say anything to their parents, I'm just listening to my friend talk about it because I never knew that about him either the whole time. Like him, I always thought he was an only child so this was shocking to me as well.
@ifseveneightnine@xanga - That's unfortunate you won't know your older sister. What if you were in the same town as her and you don't even know it? I'm sure they could make an exception if you randomly bumped into. I don't know how it works.
@ShirleyD@xanga - It was another friend of mine's ex-girlfriend who was the one-night stand baby.
That's horrible and a terrifying trend that is on the rise. I couldn't do that ever! That has to suck! :[
My birthmom didn't get the chance to tell my birthfather about me. Shortly after they were together he found his birthfamily (he was adopted), changed his name back to his birthname and basically disappeared. By the time she found out she was pregnant with me he was gone and she had no way to get in touch with him. She gave me up for adoption at birth so I didn't find any of this out until I found her when I was 19. She did get married, but I was the only child she ever had.
@tictact0e0@xanga - They already all know about it so it is no longer a secret. So there's nothing left to tell. If it affects me in some way, I will do whatever it is necessary of the situation but since it does not, I don't need to do anything. Babies should know who their fathers are regardless if he's abusive or not. When they get older, they can decide if they want to keep in contact with said father or not. People may think they're doing what's best for the child, but never knowing how it would have turned out is not exactly "best" in my book. The child missed a lifetime of her father all because a mother didn't think the father would stick around and avoided all that when if she would have just asked it might have turned out differently, even if it was a one-night stand baby. And she wouldn't know that unless she tried. I would never do that to my kid, then again, I won't ever be in this situation, luckily.
I think it is immoral not to tell someone that they are a father. The only situation I could accept as possibly okay is if the man is abusive.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - That's my view too. The dad deserves to know, whether he wants to or not it was his doing as much as hers.....except if its kept secret for fear of abuse or being hurt by the father.
Things like this would stop happening if you people would learn not to fuck so much.
--Yao Wentiao
This is a "walk a mile in my shoes' type question.. You may think differently had YOU been in this situation yourself. Never judge someone else..because you just don't know the entire story.
There's lots more than meets the eye!!
Give people the benefit of the doubt. Life is much easier when you do.
When we shake our finger at someone, there are at least 2-3 fingers pointing back at us.
Be kind.
@Yao_Wentiao@xanga - Although you do know that anyone can get pregnant even having sex once. I've heard of people getting pregnant the first time they've ever had sex!
@xinq@xanga - Learn to recognize a troll when you see one.
--Yao Wentiao