I just spent a month and a half dating a guy who didn’t make enough time for me. I told myself that I wanted to keep things casual because I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship, and that as a result, it was ok this new guy didn’t make me a priority. But in the end I realized I am worthy of more than a random date every other week.
Well, I realized I was making a sacrifice because I was lonely. I wouldn’t say that I was settling exactly. I will admit that I don’t often like people, so I was surprised to meet a guy I thought was totally rad after just one month of being single. At first everything was fantastic. He was caring of
my celiac disease and took me out on really nice dates.
But after a few weeks (and after I put out) things started to decline pretty quickly. He was already working hard at his day job and then opened a small business on the side. I think he was surprised by how much time his small business consumed, and he wasn’t intentionally ignoring me.
But he wasn’t actively making me a priority either. I realized that I was compromising more than I needed to as a newly single person. I want to be with someone who is successful, yes, but who still has time to plan nice things for us to do. If they really care about you, they will take the time to see you.
The dating world is still new to me since I’ve spent all of my adult life in committed relationships. This is just a small reminder to everyone that you are worth it, and you don’t need to settle for the first person who is moderately nice to you and will cuddle with you at night.
Have you ever made compromises that you ended up regretting? Image Source
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Comments (25)
how about being single for once so you're not so dependent on other people...
as for the guy, i can't say he didn't make the right decision. career before hoes. (bros before hoes too, but obviously not relevant here.)
I heart MEX?
How picky...
@tictact0e0@xanga - Of course she has other criteria, but they're not going to appear until after she has been dating someone for some time and puts out.
And that's okay. It's okay that things didn't work out. It doesn't mean he's a jerk and it doesn't mean that you're being unreasonable.
Lol
I'm newly single too, and have been in monogamous long term relationships since I was 12. I don't know how to date so I'm just staying single until I develop into an actual person
not really, I usually like guys, who are already well established, so he has the money to hire other people to work for/help him manager his business while he has spare time. that's how my current bf is. so some females might prefer older men, not just because he's rich, but because he is already successful, and can afford to have more leisure time than those working 2 jobs for example. some rich people are still very busy, but I was saying that that's just how it was with me personally and why I prefer older men. more mature looks and they can afford to have more luxury time and other things. I don't prefer that old and almost dying either. he has to still be hot to me.
it sounds like he isn't that into you, because if he is, no matter how busy he is, he'll make time. my bf does something to make me smile nearly everyday. I also share my day with him. if it isn't mutual effort, then why bother
If you never actively planned a date yourself, you can't bitch one letter's worth on here. And I mean, you thought of something to do, planned it out, then called him. Also, you basically got what you asked for; something casual.
Did you talk to him about wanting to be more of a priority? And if you're going to call it 'I put out' then why are you so surprised at his lax attitude. You had the same attitude towards him!
It seems you had the same attitude towards him as he did towards you. You slept with him without any proper commitment, didn't appear to actively plan any dates and didn't attempt to be exclusive - why is it okay for you to act like that, but it's not okay for him to do the same thing?
I agree with above comments. Did you even make an effort?
Anyway, you win some, you lose some. Experience being single first.Sometimes people want more, less or different than what they are getting in a relationship. Then it's time to find someone with a similar agenda. Sounds like that's what you discovered and are doing just that. It's pointless to blame someone for being who they are rather than who we wish they were, but...I've done that many times because I didn't want to jump into the dating game again.
I think many people "chill" a little once they feel secure in a relationship and are getting what they want (often sex). Courtship doesn't last forever. Some people DO play the hard to get game all the way through a relationship in order to get more attention. That style works for some people, both men and women.
So you went out with him for around six weeks, with the odd date once every couple of weeks? I think your problem here is treating this relationship as exclusive. I do agree that his actions suggest that he doesn't care enough to make time for you, in which case you shouldn't waste time over him, but you could've just dated him alongside other men for a while.
You were only single for a month after ending a five year relationship? Girl, trust me, do the single thing for a while and take some time to play the field and just be you without worrying about a boyfriend. My four year relationship ended about a year ago and I have been single ever since. It's been the greatest year of my life. It's true - don't sell yourself short. Be "alone" for a while, you'll learn so much.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I agree with the bros before hoes but career before hoes? what kind of crappy women you been dating that some job is more important than the company of a beautiful woman?
Seems as if you didn't show him you cared much either...
@testyman666@xanga - Point.
@testyman666@xanga - It's comments like this that make me realize just how pedestalized "the beautiful woman" really is.
Unless you mean a woman who is very good looking with a great personality, great intellect and lots of interesting things to say and do... Then I think your begging the question is a bit unwarranted.
A physically attractive woman... Even if she is objectively one of the most physically attractive women in the world... Does not hold much interest to me, and IMO shouldn't hold much interest to most men. With the exception of having sex with her, there isn't a whole lot that I'd find all that interesting about this person. And I could imagine a million other things that would be more worthy of my time than trying to impress and seduce a woman like that. I think it's incredibly important for men to stop putting inherent value in the physical beauty of women. This pedestalization is leading to a society full of women who haven't developed very good personalities because they've invested all of their time into their looks.Amen. Don't compromise. Find a guy who is willing to pursue hard to gain the woman of his dreams
@goofball4@xanga - Hell yeah.
@AmorVomnia7@xanga brings up a good point too IMO. It's just the beautiful, intellectually stimulating women with amazing personalities are, well, so definitely worthy of being "pedestalized" as it were, though some men would definitely debate over what constitutes both "intellectually stimulating" and an "amazing personality".
Yep I sure have. Good for you for knowing what you want and not settling! After a 5 year relationship with someone, I think it's reasonable to really know what you want and go for it.
I really wanted to like this post, because (as a person who enjoys the single life) I've seen a lot of very close friends who prioritize being a relationship over developing as an individual (and as a result, they ping pong themselves between a new beau every time the last relationship doesn't work out, but never take time to reflect on the past, or grow themselves). But what really caught me off guard, was where you mentioned "has the time to plan nice things for us to do".
I may very well have just read and understood that portion wrong, but I just wanted to point out that in developing a relationship, especially one that you may hope to be one for the long haul, it's important to realize the other person's dreams and ambitions too. When you get married, or otherwise are committed to a long-term relationship, there won't always be the time to plan and do 'nice things'. This is one of the things that poison us and our expectations while we are young: life isn't always going to be rosy to have the time to be able to do nice things. Things will be rough, he may be busy with two jobs, a woman may be busy with taking up grad school or whatever else. What's important about a relationship is growing together, and appreciating one another even if it isn't in one of those 'nice' and planned out dates, but appreciating the nicely planned out dates when they come around every once in a while.
Perhaps a talk was needed between you two, working multiple jobs is tough. Perhaps he didn't see it as neglecting you (which you did touch upon here). As women, we have created this golden standard of just waiting for the perfect guy who will work hard for us to get our love and attention, when this really isn't the way to be looking at any relationship. A relationship takes two, we are supposed to be complementary to each other and not make ourselves supplementary to a man only after he showers us with all the time and effort we believe our time requires. Because, again, when things get real between you and a guy like this, that showering of time and nice dates won't always be as it was, and that reality will hurt more as you'll be stuck in the past of how things were, instead of understanding how both of you and your relationship have grown and matured past this initial stage of courting and 'earning' your attention and companionship.
Just my two and a half cents.
from my experience, dating for a month and a half isn't long enough for a person to make you a priority. He seems to be an independant man who is taking care of his future - and him only knowing you for a month or so isn't long enough for you to be #1. Moreover, he shouldn't be your #1 so soon as well. You should respect him for his time, and I am sure that he will respect your for yours as well. Think of it as a totem pole. When you first meet him, you are at the bottom, and his friends, family, and career will be more important than you are. With time, you will move up that totem pole and become a higher priority... and that is not going to happen in a month.
You probably want to speed things up because you are lonley... but it is better to wait. You, yourself shouldn't make a guy a high priority so fast as well. Use this time to put you first - he will respect you for that. How long, that I can't say - depends on each person and situation. I always give my girlfriends a general rule - Don't expect anything from a developing relationship in the first 3 months, cause you are still feeling one another out.
Here is another thought, if you really care about him, you would be proud of him and his new business - and you would be supportive. But if you are only trying to nurse your own ego, then of course you would think you deserve better after only a month of knowing him. Trust me when I say that it is too soon to tell if he is rejecting you (he probably isn't rejecting you). He just has his mind focused.
Don't give up yet!
@testyman666@xanga - beautiful women are a dime a dozen. a job is not so easy to get.
not to mention, having money is a pretty important thing when it comes to banging girls. (not in the sense that i believe in spending a lot of money on them, but more that they generally want to know you're not a funemployed loser who sits at home.)
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - http://www.mandatory.com/2012/11/13/ok-cupid-an-exploration-into-just-how-low-some-guys-will-go sigh.
i want to fuck good-looking girls as much as the next guy, but it's guys like the ones in this article that ruin the game for the rest of us. they just perpetuate the system of shitty girls.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - That's just really really sad...
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - @testyman666@xanga - i believe he may be a misogynist