Wednesday, 07 November 2012
To @sighbeans, a member on this site (my ex girlfriend of 3 years), with whom I was supposed to have a future with. (She decided to cut me out for her own reasons.)
I understand; your silence speaks a million words. I hear you, but do you want me to hear you? You were so far away and it was always our plan to live together and be together and yet, I find you not 7,000 miles away anymore, but 50 miles away from me. Everything we ever planned for just came true, but it's not true. All just because you would not talk to me.
Initially, I had so much anger and hate towards your decision, which I released and took out on you. I know it affected your family, too. I worked hard to put it aside, and still you would not talk to me. I can never understand why you would dump your boyfriend of 3 years by email. I stand by the idea that it was cowardly and tactless. I admit, my actions afterwards were also cowardly and tactless. Touche.
Now you're back in my life, or are you? It is like a knife in my back again. You must know or care, right? It hurts me so much. I can't sleep and I can't even work properly knowing everything we dreamed of. You being here with me has finally come true, except you're here but you didn't choose me. I am absolutely gutted. I could be around you in less than an hour. I could be taking you on a date, cooking us a dinner, making you laugh....
Honestly, I have really tried to make peace over the last few months and you do not want to know. Well, I am officially letting go of you now. Permanently.
I do not hope or wish for us to be together anymore because I know you will put up a defense, and you will not let me live it down. I will always remember how much I hurt you. So I understand you came here not to hurt me, but to focus on your career, and your life. I want you and everyone to know that I am not mad at you, I do not hate you, and that I am sorry for everything going wrong with us because it's my fault.
I did feel that if you gave us a chance we could work because truly, if you allow yourself to think about it, it was the distance that was root of our issues, my impatience, and your insecurity. The distance is gone but I know you won't even let me try and fix it.
I am going to wish only the utmost happiness to you, and I wish for you to complete your medical studies and be the doctor you want to be. I am sorry things went sour in the end, and I accept responsibility. I want you find a nice guy who will treat you right seeing as I won't ever get the chance again. I want you to be free. I want you to think of me in a good way, and well, I truly hope you don't believe our love was a lie.
I remember all our good times, and all the things we did for each other. It really was a fairytale if you think about it. But it seems to me you don't care anymore, and I must accept it. You will actually never know how much pain I am in right now. It is the most indescribable feeling I can imagine. So be it. I accept your decision.
I think about us every day, and about how I should have done things right, but that is down to you... and you have made it clear what you want.
It really is time for me to close this chapter and open a new one.
I know you are desperately keen to keep us a secret so your family doesn't find out, and I promise I won't breathe a word about us. We were non-existent. I'm getting rid of everything. I will give 'vish' the stuff you got me. It doesn't seem right throwing it in the trash.
Be safe, be happy, be a success.
August 26th, 2008 - October 29th, 2012.