Tuesday, 06 November 2012
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I Was His First Love
Does an old lover ever suddenly cross your mind? I smelled my coconut perfume and when I breathed in the aroma, I thought of him. I thought back to how everything happened. We were the best of friends and he decided to fall in love with me. Couldn't he just be my friend? What a strange thought, but sometimes love really does ruin a good thing. This past love was tall, handsome, charming, goofy, and a gifted dancer. He was almost a throw back to the past. He had that classic gentleman thing going on.
I had helped him through a rough break-up with his second girlfriend, which was probably his first serious relationship. Through my advice he tried to fix things with her; it didn't work out. While he was getting over this girl, we hung out a lot more than usual. I was there for him and was his good friend like I had always been. I was also on a break from an on and off relationship of my own, so having the male companionship was lovely.One day he asked me out to a Christmas dinner party as his date. I didn't think much of it, other than we are friends and this is something we would do together normally. We ended up leaving the party early to go to a lounge and relax. We talked all night and ended up falling asleep talking in my room to end the night, not ever meaning to spend a night together.
Somewhere between all the social outings and one on one hangouts, he became what my other friends referred to as a stage 12 clinger. Despite all the laughs we had together and amazing conversations, I just didn't see him the way he saw me. Sometimes it felt like I was his babysitter. I would become angry with him for being immature and he would be angry at me for not treating him like a man. I would tell him if he wanted to be treated like a grown up to act like one. He also had his share of mental issues that didn't help things.
To be fair, he was a really nice guy. He did thoughtful things such as buy me small gifts that reminded him of me. He told me how special I was to him, how nice I was, and how beautiful he found me. In the back of my mind, I always wished he was just a little older. He was a great guy, he just lacked maturity, life experiences, and the wisdom that comes with age. Despite his mental issues, I believe with the wisdom of age he will learn to handle himself in a better manner as he grows from a young man to a man.As you can imagine this story doesn't have a fairy tale ending, at least not for the both of us together. I had told him nicely that I thought we should just be friends. I told him he was a great guy, but together it just wouldn't work out. Little did I know by this point he was actually full-on head over heels in love with me and everyone knew it. I told him I loved him AS A FRIEND and he had taken it the wrong way. I felt terrible about it, but I had to be honest.
He went a little off his mental rocker. He called me to accuse me of odd things and ask me weird questions about things I don't even remember, because they were so strange. From that point everything between us went wrong. His hurt feelings caused him to lash out in an immature manner. He sent me mean texts and said mean comments about me online. I had attempted to leave free communication open for when he moved on and could talk to me like a normal person again, but that didn't work out.
I had to block him from everything. I was merely trying to live my life drama-free and be an honest person. In his own words, I was his first real love and first girl to break his heart. By his first heartbreak, I had moved on from my first love, a string of flings, casual dates, serious relationships, two broken engagements, had my heart broken a couple more times, and been through the ringer with every type there is!I wish I could say he perked up right away and everything was better. I thought it would have been, because I heard he had a new girlfriend. He lost his job, was kicked out of the place he was living, and he attempted to take his own life. I was the one who was asked to call his mother to let her know. My friends elected me to be the one.
After some time passed, I heard from mutual friends he did want me to call him. Someone gave me his new number and I gave him a call. This story may not have a fairy tale ending, but it does have a good one. We talked to each other and said our sorries. He is living in a new state with family, he has a good job, and a smoking hot new girlfriend. To hear this is a shuttering relief. After all, he was my good friend, I really do love him, and all I wanted was to see him happy.
Life tends to be bitter-sweet and hopefully I brought him more happiness than pain in the end. From now on, whenever the aroma of coconut wafts through my memories I shall think of him and smile, knowing he is somewhere smiling too.Were you someone's first love? Did you break their heart? How do you feel about it and what happened?
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- From: roxybabe1623@xanga
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Comments (36)
Yes. He is probably one of the men out there that think I am a crazy bitch, but oh well. I did tell him from the start that I had no romantic feelings for him and I never would. He assumed I would develop them (despite my constant reminders that I wasn't his girlfriend). How do I feel about it? It depends on what day you ask me. Today, I don't give a fuck.
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If you don't want drama you shouldn't be in a relationship. Being in a (successful) relationship requires you to consider the other person's feelings equally along with your own... meaning considering how they feel by not assuming that you alone know what is best for both you and them.
"I told him I loved him AS A FRIEND and he had taken it the wrong way. I felt terrible about it, but I had to be honest."
What is to say he took it the wrong way or that he wasn't being equally as honest?
Does his love for you necessarily depend on whether it is requited by you?
If so, wouldn't that mean he was right for feeling the way he did?
Would you appreciate someone you love telling you that they don't love you?
I could tell immediately you had repressed feelings for him. Read every paragraph you wrote and notice how you make up all these tissue paper-thin defenses (excuses) for why you didn't like the guy "in that way" then read the first damn sentence where you refer to him as "an old lover".
You got it twisted. Love cannot possibly ruin a good thing, it's the absence thereof that ruins whatever good thing there might've been.
@Erika_Steele@xanga -
"He assumed I would develop them (despite my constant reminders that I wasn't his girlfriend)."
The exception proves the rule.
Are you normally someone's girlfriend before you develop feelings for that person?
He assumed you were rational. Not having feelings for him "because you said so" is self-defeating and you and him both lose out on what could have possibly been an opportunity to be happy because of it.
I was someone's first love, he though he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. I thought so too....until about a year in and I realised that I couldn't make him into what I wanted him to be and I had to let go. He was my first love too, so it was really hard. It felt like I had broken his heart, and mine. It's taken about 5 years but we are friends now. Although, he still loves me but knows that we will never be together and has a gf and a child now. I still love him but not in a romantic sense. I know he will love me no matter what, and he is my comfort and he knows that. I look forward to someday meeting someone else who loves me the way he did/does but who I love that way too :)
@T3hZ10n@xanga - He assumed I would change my mind and develop feelings for him just because I agreed to have sex with him. He assumed that I would be like other women he met when I said that I only wanted to have sex with him when I really wanted more. There was nothing in my behavior that told him differently. He would talk about the crush he had on me forever, I told him I didn't share his feelings and that I was not his girlfriend. If some guy told me that he only wanted sex, I took him at is word. I didn't assume he was suddenly going to fall in love with me or that I could make him change his mind. He was the irrational one, not me.
I'm glad that you both are on talking terms and he seems to be doing well. I feel that you overall did him a favor, and he probably can see that seeing that you're on speaking terms. Hope life is going well for you the way it sounds like it's going for him.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - Eh, you probably know better than I do in your particular situation, but I guess I just don't see how such an assumption on his part could be a bad thing. If he assumed wrong and you didn't/don't develop feelings for him, he loses out... but if he assumed right, you both equally benefit.
That is to say, you both equally benefit unless you decide to make him wrong simply because it was an assumption, regardless of whether it turned out to be right or wrong.
Also, what's to say that he assumed you would develop feelings for him and that he didn't simply assume it was a possibility and that he found you to be worth taking that chance?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Actually, in this situation, I was mostly wrong hence the depending on the day you ask me comment. My first instinct was to just turn him down and I should have. I didn't feel like writing a thesis today. He told me that he assumed I would develop feelings for him or I wouldn't have said it. I would just wonder why he put up with me. This was in my early to mid-20s; most people who knew me then would think I am a completely different person now.
I married my first true love and now have the relationship/marriage I've always wanted.
I know you will find a great one, too.
Best of the best for you
Christy
Behind all articles like this, it's obvious there is deep resentment that leads to detrimental attempts to help the person they care about when in reality they are just doing the same thing that was done to them.
@OP - "In his own words, I was his first real love and first girl to break his heart. By his first heartbreak, I had moved on from my first love, a string of flings, casual dates, serious relationships, two broken engagements, had my heart broken a couple more times, and been through the ringer with every type there is!"
How did ANY of that help you with getting what you actually, ultimately wanted in the first place (except for making you realize you wanted something else only after you felt you couldn't have what you originally wanted)? If you ask me, people need to stop moving on and start moving forward.
@greatredwoman@xanga - First of all, did you have more than one true love? If not, "first true love" is redundant. If you did have more than one true love, you could just say "my true love".
On top of that, if you had more than one true love what makes either "true"? You might as well just say "my love"... which will always be true (unless somehow at some point you loved someone you didn't love).
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "Being in a (successful) relationship requires you to consider the other person's feelings equally along with your own... meaning considering how they feel by not
assuming that you alone know what is best for both you and them."
No offense, but until you have a successful relationship (which you haven't), your advice means absolutely nothing. There's nothing to back it up. Plus, you're always talking like you know what's best for her.
In all honesty, have you ever thought about how you're hurting her by not letting her move on when she's told you she wants to? And please don't come back and talk about how she doesn't consider your feelings because I'm talking about YOU, not her. Continuing to turn it back onto her would just tell me that you can't take the time to empathize with her.
I was definitely someones first love and he was mine as well. I did break his heart and i still hate myself some days because of the way i ended or relationship...
@learningtolive_again@xanga - Not "letting" her move on? If you're referring to my current dating situation, from everything I've been told, she already moved on and has a boyfriend.
No offense, but when it comes to me giving someone else advice to help improve their situation, your personal opinion means nothing because if that alone is what determines whether or not I've had a successful relationship, you're conveniently leaving out the fact that whether you've had a successful relationship is also subject to my personal opinion, and who do you think is more credible when you consider I've never had a failed relationship either?
Your hands-on experience when it comes to moving on may very well surpass my own, but not fucking up in the first place is my alma mater.
If she has a boyfriend there's no question I'm a hell of a lot more concerned about her feelings than she is about mine. People think they're so fucking smart having just discovered how not to care.
"You don't understand... I don't have feelings for you in that way."
It's like, uh... no, genius, you don't understand. There are billions of people I don't have feelings for in that way. I know what you don't feel like better than you do.
@learningtolive_again@xanga - Welcome to the 21st century.
You don't get pissed at a white hat for telling you what's wrong with your methods, or worse, continue to insist that they're the problem. If I wanted a successful relationship with someone else that I wanted more than her, I would pursue it. Having relatively little experience in failed relationships has no bearing on my ability to build a good one.
Yes I was my first boyfriend's first love. I really liked him, he was such a sweetheart but I couldn't reciprocate love, which was sad so I broke it off and broke his heart. I think about him sometimes and wish him all the happiness.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I recall you saying in the past that she was your first relationship. Have you had any other relationships besides her? Considering the fact that you're no longer with her and it ended on bad terms, that would be a failed (i.e., unsuccessful) relationship. How long did the two of you date?
Also, I'm curious as to whether there are any other factors (besides the factor you discussed in your initial comment to the OP) that you feel constitute a successful relationship?
In response to your comment about how you think that whether I've had a successful relationship is subject to your personal opinion: you have no information about my relationship, so how would you know whether I've had a successful relationship or not? You don't know what my views on relationships are, or what my current relationship is like.
The reason why I comment on yours is because you put it on here for everyone to see. Believe it or not, I've actually tried to empathize with your side of the story, but the way that you describe it is so out there and delusional. Her side of the story is WAY more rational. Of course, there is always the one side, the other side, and the truth somewhere inbetween.
I was not saying that you don't have the ability to build a good relationship at some point in the future (I hope that you do)... I was saying that you have not had a successful relationship thus far. Therefore, you don't have personal experience with what it takes to have a successful relationship. That'd be like me giving advice to someone who abuses drugs. I can be there for the person and help them through it, but I can't KNOW what it's like to abuse drugs because I've never done them.
"Life tends to be bitter-sweet and hopefully I brought him more happiness than pain in the end."
I like that thought: I always think of any relationships that I have as a good thing, even if they end and cause some pain, because to me the good just outweighs the bad.
Anyway, super happy that you're both doing great now.
Don't think I've ever been anyone's first love, though I have my first love locked in my mind. She crosses it all the time unfortunately.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - When you tell someone the truth from the beginning, it's their fault for sticking around in my opinion.
- @T3hZ10n@xanga - @T3hZ10n@xanga - Can't you just enjoy a story? An old lover to me doesn't have to be someone I was in love with. I loved him deeply for the person he was, but I was not in love with him. Did I have a crush? Yes, at one point. We had fun. Sometimes relationships don't have to be so serious. You can have light hearted relationships. I didn't realize until after a good amount of time had passed that his feelings did run pretty deep for me and he wasn't mature enough to handle things the right way. I respect your point of you, but you are wrong. I lived through this, so I would know. I am happy for him know.Little do you know, I have been in love with the same person for a long time and it's not him. Is he good looking? Yes! and is he fun to be arond? Yes! So of course I miss those good times and I am glad we are pals again.
When someone says something they mean it. If i would have loved him more deeply and romantically- I would have told him. He wasn't the man I needed. He was a great young, good looking guy who made me smile and was my friend. Things happen. I never expected him to fall for me. Relax man! And haven't you ever heard of casual dating or not all good things aren meant to last forever. I've cared for guys that I knew I just wanted something short and sweet with.
@greatredwoman@xanga -Thank you :)
@isitreal_no@xanga - I was the same way with my first love! It always hurts the worst. I have grown from all my relationships though. I handle things so different now it's weird to think about. If you ever want to talk, shoot me a message. I love listening to people's stories and helping them out too. :) Thank you for reading and commenting.
@tictact0e0@xanga - I hope so too! Thanks!
@T3hZ10n@xanga - He was younger than me. Having had my first love, I knew more about breakups and life. I never wanted a relatonship with him in the first place. You assume a lot.
@learningtolive_again@xanga - Agreed
@chadwilly@xanga - Hopefully he looks back and remembers the good times.@math_music_me@xanga - Thank you so much for your postive feed back. :)
@JusticeCho@xanga - How long has it been that you haven't been together? I think of my first love everyday. He was just such a big part of my life even though that was so long ago!
smells don't usually evoke memories in me, but music frequently does (and is often of particular girls i've known).
i very strongly resent the fact that you judge him for his lack of experience in dating.
Gah. This pretty much mirrors exactly what happened between me and my now ex-friend. After one month of cutting me off for the second time (and trying to get other mutual acquaintances to avoid me) he comes up out of nowhere to say "hello" with the excuse that he was having a bad day that day. Yeah, no. Our friendship is over. I'm sick of his behaviour and yet I can't tell him for fear of what he might do so I'm just ignoring him.
@roxybabe1623@xanga - "Can't you just enjoy a story?"
No. I stick to non-fiction.