This post was submitted by R.Hello everyone. I
submitted it the day we fought because writing has always helped me clear my mind and helped me see things a little more clearly. I even talked to my roommates about this argument and the troubles between my boyfriend "P" and I. After much thought, I did call him over to sit down and talk.
I told him it wasn't fair that I was in a relationship that felt like I cared much more than he did for me. That his hurtful words had worn me down, he seemed happier hanging with other people, and that I was just hindering his happiness; that is the last thing I want for him.
Because we had argued almost every week, there was barely anything to say from his side. His face was stern and he held no emotion, probably holding it all in. Who knows, I didn't see him after. He packed up his things or what was left of him in my room and left. The next 20 hours were the most painful 20 hours I have experienced thus far.
My roommates consoled me, and I called my best friend over. Thank goodness she goes to the same college. I just sat in my room and cried... I'm the biggest cry baby you'll ever meet, but I didn't cry as much as I thought I would.
Every time I heard a car drive by, door open, a car lock, the townhouse door open... I wished it was him. I wished he would come back. I didn't want to break up with him, but I had to. I'm not going to hold on to someone who isn't trying to hold on to me, too. The next day, I skipped all my classes and bummed on my bed; sleep didn't come easy that night. I drove my best guy friend to a doctor's appointment instead. Didn't feel like eating, didn't feel like doing anything.
Later that early afternoon, suddenly, he shows up at my door.
He wanted to talk some more. He started out saying, "Do you know what I hate about you?" I replied, "...No, what?" He said, "I hate that I don't understand you. I hate that I don't understand why you do things. It's just so illogical to me. Like, why you do things for me." Something along those lines.
He's a very logical person with a low sense of emotional reasoning. I'm probably the opposite, but I like to think I'm logical in my own sense. I explained that my simple reasoning for doing things for him, was that I wanted to make his life easier. I just wanted to see him happy... I don't mind the sacrifice. As we talked, there was an odd sense of ease between us, something we haven't had in awhile.
P continued to say that a good friend of ours he talked to (who saw us get together 2 years ago), said that P obviously did not understand why I did what I had to do. Why I had to break up with him because he didn't appreciate me. I secretly am thanking him with the bottom of my heart for putting some sense in P. Our friend basically called P a douche bag, inconsiderate, etc. I have given him my all, and what has he given me?
The biggest thing about our talk was randomly, for the first time in our two year relationship, he said he imagined what it would be like if we had kids. After a long talk, he apologized for everything. I may have accepted him back into my life too quickly, you might say... but he said that we would work on this. And not only that, I have decided that if we get into this sort of fight with this intensity and heartbreak, I'm out of his life for good. This on-off again mentality is too painful.
Afterwards, I talked to my best girl friend, and she was glad we worked things out. She went through the exact same thing 6 months ago (they have been going out as long as we have). We've had this tendency to have very similar events that happen in our lives. 6 months and going strong?
I'll take it one day at a time. So far so good, we'll see.
Have you ever been in a situation where you broke up with a significant other and worked at it? If so, how well/how long did that last?
I like to hear happy ending type stories, maybe there will be some on Datingish.
-R
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Comments (19)
Ive been in your friend's place in this situation.. My best friend and his wife hit a rough patch..And he came to me. He couldn't figure out why his wife was getting upset/angry/hurt.. He wasn't sure he wanted to be married any more. Ive known him for 15 years, so it was easy for me to explain what she was going through and what she needed from him. Im happy to say he went back to her and they are happier then ever (although they do fight, but its healthy fighting).. and expecting another baby in February. No real long term relationship is easy, nothing worth fighting for ever is. And i think its great that he came back and you guys are giving it another shot. Sometimes a cool down period is a good idea after an argument.
I love happily ever after stories!
Eh, I dated someone for 2.5 years and then tried to work things out for another 2.5 years. In hindsight, I wish I had just let it go because the place I'm in now, 4 years later, could have been sought after more quickly. Life's still imperfect, but I'm much more at peace and dating someone now who is very much on the same page as I am.
In essence, he wants to love you but doesn't know how to exactly, so you gotta show him how to love you; only you would know how you want to be loved, so if you communicate that to your lover, they'll be able to love you the way you want to be loved.
If he's willing to work on it then you may as well try. But don't let him talking about having kids with you factor in. That's not really relevant if you can't get on the same page in your relationship right now. I do hope it works out though. I've had relationships that my bf wanted to work on things and it would work for a while but never enough. I can't wait to one day be with someone on the same page as I am! It will be so nice not to fight about things, and to have more in common. And to agree more, but you don't really feel that way until you have a relationship that is difficult.
I agree with the first poster. The relationship will only work out if the two of you work at it.
It showed a lot of maturity and courage for him to come back and basically, admit that he'd goofed.. One point for him.
Relationships are nothing if there is no conflict and conflict resolution.
The biggest predictor of success in a relationship is if the two people can work on resolving issues together... and, that is what you are doing.
Best of luck to you both and may you continue to grow in your relationship.
Christy
It showed a lot of maturity and courage for him to come back and basically, admit that he'd goofed.. One point for him.
Relationships are nothing if there is no conflict and conflict resolution.
The biggest predictor of success in a relationship is if the two people can work on resolving issues together... and, that is what you are doing.
Best of luck to you both and may you continue to grow in your relationship.
Christy
I had that with my first love. He came back understanding and with all the right promises.... til he changed his mind and broke my heart all over.
So sadly, I got nothing of happy endings for you there. All I can say is well, what Nietzshe (how do you spell that? I forget.) said: what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. So the pain he caused me only made me stronger in the end due to survival of a broken heart.So whether your story ends with him in your life forever or apart, it's what you do with yourself after that matters.
I was in a very similar situation, but unfortunately it wasn't a happy ending for me. It's been over 3 years since we've had any type of communication. I never got any closure. I have forgiven, but not forgotten that detail.
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This happened recently in my relationship--after explaining to my boyfriend that I sensed he was turning into someone I didn't know, that I felt under-appreciated and constantly pushed away, I decided to end the relationship.
However, he initiated a heart-to-heart the next day and it was revealed that there was a serious misunderstanding between us related to how comfortable I felt expressing a wide range of emotions and his opposite tendency to feel vulnerable, weak, and extremely uncomfortable with expressing any intense emotions, but that it had nothing to do with me and I was making the situation worse by constantly trying to "solve" the problem. My boyfriend is not very good at communicating or expressing how he feels because he is unused to not being alone and he has a fear of closeness that stems from his past. Meanwhile, I'm the type of person who has no problem expressing herself and I go for what I want or who I want, no holds barred.
I certainly do not advocate threatening to break up with one's partner when the relationship encounters a problem or you want him/her to change, but when we do advocate for ourselves and how we should be treated, we are embodying the kind of positive love we are seeking. Deciding to break up with my boyfriend was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, but a real eye-opener for both of us. Fortunately, he didn't want to lose me and told me he feels the same way, but this provided the opportunity for us to seriously analyze the relationship and focus on the ways we can make it better, i.e., he'll work on his communication and I will give him his space and learn to truly listen. And since then, our relationship has been much stronger.
All I can say is, kudos to you for being strong enough to advocate for yourself. And kudos to him for realizing how much you mean to him--it's a win-win for both of you. Relationships are hard work, and I think this experience is a testament to how much you really care for each other. Good luck!
It must have been almost 10 separate fights that left me broken. I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I understand personality types, and for unemotional men, sometimes their actions, or lack of, causes sensitive, people-caring women to feel looked over, forgotten, hurt..
So despite the ugly fights, they usually turn out to be big misunderstandings. After the fights though, we are probably learning how we both approach life differently. If we work hard on the relationship, we'll grow to understand our differences and see what our intentions are toward one another.
But yes. I think the pretension and ache still lingers for a long while, but it's nice to be a pair that holds strong, isn't it?
I usually say going backwards is never good, but it seems like he's learned from his past so that's a good sign. Just have to be sure that he doesn't regress back to how he was before, and that he keeps moving forward and growing. But relationships are a two way street so you have to realize the faults you made the first time around as well and learn how to fix them and make the relationship stronger from your side as well, can't just put it all on him. Best of luck.
Yes. Ive dated mine for 5 years. Around the 2 year mark we had issues about this but worked things out. <3 It's all about communication and being willing to openly communicate. <3
Relationships are complicated, and only YOU know how much burden you can handle. I hope things do work out for you, as long as you're both willing to put in the effort. Don't give so much of yourself away, is the only advice I would give you. You seem like a very sweet and caring person, but once you have nothing left to offer you'll only feel empty inside. I know; I'm a bit of the same way. That being said, make sure there is plenty of communication between the two of you! Listen to your heart AND your head. Good luck ♥
♥L
-SM
Every relationship is 2 people lying and giving up tons of themselves, to pretend that they are happy. Can no one just nut up and die alone anymore? who wants to waste 90% of their lives just to have a dusty frail hand to hold when they give up the ghost. And what the hell happens to the other? unless you die simultaniously, someone still gets to die alone, brokenhearted, scared, with no comforting hand. Who gives a shit about relationshits. You're better off being a strong person, happy with yourself. Quit relying on/draining the life out of another, to be happy.
I'm shocked that he came back and the first thing he said to you was, "Do you know what I hate about YOU?" when he should have been saying "Do you know what I hate about ME?"
All of the things he supposedly hated were problems he had with himself, but he still managed to make it sound like it's something he hated about you. That's mean.
As someone who dated a man very similar to P. with the pure logical outlook & emotional keepings at bay & the basically taking you for granted -- I am just going to be very honest here.
don't expect a miracle.You're lucky in the sense that a friend of his, whom I assume P. trusts, was there to call him out on his behavior. I didn't have that with my now ex. Perhaps, that will make all the difference. However! as @Syaoransbear pointed out.. the fact he came back & the first things out of his mouth was "What he hates about you" is rather upsetting to me. Again, as they pointed out - it seems like P. may have been trying to say he hated them about himself, but when you blurt out that you hate them about the OTHER person.. it's just a mixed signal bag. Does he really hate you & the fact he doesn't understand you, doesn't understand that taking you for granted & acting like the relationship you two were in was one-sided on your end? Or does he hate the idea that he's been a jackass & is willing to try to work on your relationship with you?? Honestly, he sounds confused as hell in his own head. Which is why I am saying "Don't expect a miracle" here. I am hoping that he came back & is trying to fix things with you, because HE wants too, not because a friend made him feel like shit & he feels he "has" to make things right with you - because that will just end badly.
HOWEVER - despite my wary outlook here, P. is NOT my ex & hopefully you two are able to work things out for the better & kudos to you, for having the mentality that if it doesn't go the way you are hoping it will, you're out of his life for good! Best of luck to you!
I'm still wondering why you let him in the door five minutes after you returned home from your first break-up back in the first article? Sounds like this guy can't make up his mind. It also sounds like he is using you and your emotions to get whatever he wants, yet having the "freedom" to meet new girls. You do all of these things for him, and he still doesn't get it?
It's time for you to move on. Period. He meets with you to talk, and his first words are, "Do you know what I hate most about you?" Issues, Ma'am: this guy has issues.
Time to move on. Seriously....