Friday, 02 November 2012
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Re-Requited Love
I wish I could say that someday she'll realize everything we had and the love she ignored and left behind, but 'what she doesn't know' pains me every day. It's the most dreadful feeling, knowing that someone can't possibly hold the thought that you truly love them while simultaneously acknowledging that their actions and inaction continue hurt you every day out of their own willful ignorance of the truth.
The girl I like makes a special exception for her love life in this sense, and it begs the question, "If you're okay with that, why do you choose veganism?" as she relentlessly points out the willful ignorance of others to how their choices affect animals they never knew.Some people would call it "moving on," but what if the only problems that existed in a relationship were unrelated to personality and looks, but based solely on a person's circumstances (i.e. financial hardship, distance, etc.)?
Is it fair to call what I (or anyone else in my situation would) have "unrequited love" if it is "requited" to someone else in my place? I continue to run into the same ridiculous impasse whenever I confront the situation, which always results in her summarizing her argument with either:
"You are responsible for creating your own happiness; not me, not anybody else,"
or (in total contradiction to the former)
"I can't change how I feel."
We both know her feelings would change on their own if she chose to feel at all.
Tell me, readers... is there a difference between "moving on" and deliberately forgetting about someone, thereby putting an unfinished relationship in the past?
Do you think it's right for a romantic interest to hold it against the relationship because you argue with them all the time and it makes you "incompatible," when what you were arguing for was a chance for things to work between the two of you?
Does it add insult to injury when a chance is later given to someone else based solely on the fact that they aren't you (because he or she wants to avoiding having to own up to his/her mistakes and actually put effort into making a relationship work)?
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About the Author
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- From: T3hZ10n@xanga
- About Me: The most frequently used sound to describe me is Josh. The earth has orbited the sun 24 times since I was born. I seek to know that which I cannot. I think I think, therefore I think that I am.
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Comments (92)
You really need to move on. You can't force yourself on someone.
I agree with the first commenter. Just move on.
Although it is a contradiction to say that you can't change how you feel while arguing that people are responsible for their own happiness, other people's contradictions don't change the facts you yourself must acknowledge. And a fact that you can acknowledge is that you can change how you feel at least to the extent that you can embrace the idea that someone else can make you feel loved. I have to tell myself this because it is pointless to embrace the idea that I could be happy with someone even though they don't "recognize" it. They may be full of contradictions. They may be under the delusion that they've reached the point that they know what they want. But pointing out their contradictions won't convince them. They will feel the way they feel for the time being. They need to live their contradictions more to understand what they truly want (if it is true that they don't know). And by that time they might evolve to where you are a distant memory. Don't wait for them.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga -
Listen to "With or Without You" by U2.
"My hands are tied, My body bruised, she's got me with nothing to win, and nothing left to lose". It shares a common theme with the situation I described. Taking it upon herself to end a relationship that I want to continue and to work on leaves her 100% at fault for it failing.
Pursuing another relationship is absolutely unfair when you consider the fact that it is equally likely to fail as a direct result of her own decisions when combined with her unquestionable authority to decide whether or not she wants to be in a relationship ... and if it ends up being happy/successful, there is absolutely no reason it couldn't have been with me.
Direct quote from her:
"I said: when we finally live closer to each other, maybe we can date and take things slowly like a normal relationship. This is what I was comfortable with. But he refused, because I already had said things like "I love you" which I admitted I shouldn't have, but I was no
longer comfortable with continuing. He refused to wait and work towards building a relationship with me."
I expressed disappointment at her apprehension to consider the relationship "official" after everything that was said and after all the promises that were made...
I expressed pain/sadness when I felt she was starting to emotionally distance herself...
I expressed passion and anger when she would outright ignore me...
Not once did I say anything that could possibly be mistaken for a refusal to wait and work toward building a relationship with her, nor did I ever stop working toward building a relationship with her.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - She moved on because she didn't want to be in the relationship.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - She promised to wait for me to move nearby because she did want to be in the relationship, saying, and I quote: "although consider me yours before then".
If she decides to move on and forget about all the things she felt and all the promises she made, she owes it to me to admit to herself that her feelings in the present are not based on what actually happened between us (i.e. reality). "I thought I loved him, but later on..." not even close. "You're the love of my life" is 100% how she felt at the time as a couple of poems will also show, and it's thanks to this "move on" and "forget him" bullshit that I remember how she felt about me better than she does. That's my major issue with people constantly giving that as advice because moving on is never a positive learning experience for either person in a relationship and it often leads to negating, denying, and repressing one's own feelings.
ambition ties in with personality. thus, financial hardship won't be a hardship that much longer if there is unrelenting ambition to succeed. on that note, although I know people, who went from rags to riches if they put in enough time, effort and patience, not everyone can be a self-made wealthy business-person. long distance can be easily resolved if you have money to travel/take a plane to see the other person quite regularly. my bf is a self-made wealthy businessman, who can afford to narrow the long distance, so no distance can separate us. as much as some people don't want to be a slave to money, money sometimes eases some things that were once thought to be hardships/burdens/etc.
sometimes feelings change. I used to love some people in my past, and was heartbroken for a while, but after I met people, who are way more amazing, I gradually forgot about them, and wondered why I loved/highly liked them to begin with when compared to my current---way better life. she found someone, who she thinks is better. maybe the other guy won by a hair or is cuter than you
With all due respect, I think it's inappropriate for you to post this on here because we all know who you're talking about... you say you want her back, but then you just keep digging yourself into a deeper hole. That's all I wanted to say.
there is such thing as moving on even though there's a lot of unfinished business, it's accepting the truth. it hurts like hell but some things are meant to be.
When relationships end they don't need anyone's permission to end mutually. I had a boyfriend in the past who called it off even though I didn't want to but then later on I said to myself there's other fish in the sea and not waste time to get hung up on one person that doesn't want you. If I weren't able to be in a relationship with someone, I'd rather have them as a platonic friend than nothing at all. Obviously you chose the nothing at all route. As others have mentioned we know who you're talking about so drop it and move on already. This is old news. As soon as I started reading this I could tell you wrote it.
I've dealt with someone like you who tries to force himself onto me even though I have no interest in him in that way whatsoever. It's creepy and pathetic to be hung up on someone for a long time especially when the relationship wasn't that long and in my case there wasn't even a relationship in the first place.
And what "unfinished business" are you talking about by the way? I thought she was pretty damn clear to you that it's over.
In some way, it seems unfair to you with this situation, but things don't necessarily need to be fair. I'm not totally clear as to what happened but overall, it seems like you and her made a connection, she initially agreed to go further under certain conditions, you went out of your way to meet those conditions but her feelings aren't the same anymore. From there, you feel like your deserve something from her, which may entail applying some pressure on her to admitting her faults.
You probably didn't get the good end of the deal, so you want some sort of compensation in some way, most likely emotional, social, logical?, not sure. You may not realize that you're putting pressure on her, pressure that may cause her to resist giving into what you want from her. If she is good in nature, it may be a good idea for you to lay off the pressure on her. You can convey to her your feelings and at least have her understand, but try not to make her do or say anything. She at her own pace can then realize herself the things she has done and can better meet you half-way. If she is not good in nature, well, what can you want from such a person?
From how you wrote this and from trying to feel out both your feelings and hers, I sense that you both may have good intentions but some of the approaches taken and the seems like instability of emotions may have complicated things the relationship between you two. If you really want to work things out with her, try to be considerate of her feelings and have her understand yours. Try to give each other time to understand and let actions be taken only after that. I wish you much luck man.
@tictact0e0@xanga - He keeps writing blogs bashing her trying to make her look bad on this site and she's told her side of the story before. I don't buy that he is the one who's the good person. I can see why she wants to end contact with him because he's extremely persistent and doesn't know when to stop. She doesn't owe him anything. She tried in the beginning to be nice to him and he just came off as pushy wanting more. I've been in her position and I am currently right now. I hate people who try to force something that never was there or is not there anymore. T3hZ10n does not deserve anything she tried to be nice to him and he keeps trying to manipulate her back into a relationship she doesn't want.
@learningtolive_again@xanga - No we dont o_0
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Okay, but now she really doesn't want to be in a relationship. You can't tell her what she does and doesn't feel. You would make her be in a relationship with you even if she doesn't want to be in one with you?
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - Unless she was lying, last I heard, yes, she does want to be in a relationship and is in one.
Would I "make her" be in a relationship with me? Good question...
I wouldn't make her be in a relationship with me any more than she would make me not be in a relationship with her.
I would, however, prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that being in a relationship with anyone else after what happened between her and I without factoring in how I (her "soul mate") feel on the matter is absolute bullshit.
The exception proves the rule:
If she deserves to be in a relationship with whoever she wants as long as it isn't me, she apparently deserves to be the only one I am in a relationship with as long as I am myself.
Allow me help you get to the point by playing devil's advocate...
"So you're going to be single the rest of your life?"
So long as her choice to not be in a relationship with me is absolute and unquestionable, I don't have a choice because "I can't change my feelings" and I "can't make her love me". You can look at the fact that I keep "writing blogs bashing her trying to make her look bad on this site" or you can look at the fact that I am a decent enough person to let her choose what she wants to do. She wouldn't be "losing" anything she deserves to have by being in a relationship with me.
My words speak pain, anger, and disappointment but my actions show loyalty, patience, and caring. If she wants to be the judge of my relationship choices, by all means, I'd love to see how that would work out, but I sure as hell can't be blamed for not pursuing happiness if she refuses to allow me to pursue it with her.
"There are plenty of other fish in the sea" is an empty statement. There are plenty of trees in the rainforest.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I have been on your end of a..well, ended relationship before. I know it hurts. I'm not trying to make light of what you have gone through, and perhaps are still going through. But you will one day have to face what I had to face--that the person you still care about simply doesn't want a relationship with you. That doesn't mean no one ever will want a relationship with you, and it doesn't make the person you care about necessarily wrong--it just means they have no feelings for you and so, it wouldn't be right to force them into a relationship they have no desire to be in.
If we are all responsible for our own happiness, then she cannot possibly be responsible for yours. It wouldn't be right to ask her to stay in a relationship she isn't happy in and doesn't want to be in just for the sake of your desires.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - "But you will one day have to face what I had to face--that the person you still care about simply doesn't want a relationship with you."
One day? That has happened to me a hell of a lot more than you're apparently aware of.
Again, you just proved my point. If we are all responsible for our own happiness it isn't wrong of me to ask her to stay in a relationship I am happy in just for the sake of her desires.
It would be wrong to ask a selfish person to be selfless when what they selfishly want is to make you happy.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - That would mean, though, that she is also responsible for her own happiness and thus should have no reason to stay in the relationship.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga -
That would mean, though, that she is also responsible for her own happiness and thus should have no reason to stay in any relationship.
"ABOYNE (vb.) To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly bad that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him." - Douglas Adams
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I don't see why not wanting to be in a relationship with you counts her out of all possible relationships. Also, you are being very inconsistent. Either we are responsible for the happiness of others (her being responsible for your happiness), or we aren't (which you use to justify your pursuing her even though she desperately does not want you to pursue her, thus placing your desires over hers). If you are not beholden to her desires, neither is she to yours. It's that simple to be logically consistent.
@SHEERROSE@xanga - I should have said "many of us know" because you're right, not EVERYONE does. But most people on here know who she is.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - "I don't see why not wanting to be in a relationship with you counts her out of all possible relationships."
Yeah... I got that from your first comment.
"I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for"- Savage Garden, I Want You
Apparently you and I have 2 different views of what it means to be responsible. I see having a responsibility to another person as an opportunity to something good for both that person and myself and that doing good things for others doesn't always require one person to lose out on anything.
I'm beyond tired of the "trust is more important than monogamy" argument being used as an excuse to not be monogamous and monogamy being blamed for it when monogamy is nowhere to be found.
If I can be miserable AND monogamous without being in a relationship, she can sure as hell be monogamous in a relationship with me without being miserable, because after all, "she is responsible for her own happiness".
@Jenny_Wren@xanga -
HER happiness is axiomatically HER responsibility because it is HERS. The fact that this is even brought up when I never claimed she was responsible for my happiness makes it a self-defeating argument.
Much like when she started that "I'M NOT YOURS!" shit in spite of there being no reason for me to ever believe or feel she was (i.e. the basis of her entire argument). OH, but wait...
(11:32:54 PM): i'd prefer to wait until you are here officially, tbh
(11:33:02 PM): although consider me yours before then
Q.E.D. She felt she was "mine" and she knows damn well what she's doing is wrong.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - But she *would* be miserable, because she doesn't have feelings for you. You keep forgetting that important aspect.
So, you would put your desires before her desire to be with someone else. Either happiness is the responsibility of others (which would mean she is responsible for your happiness and should stay with you even if she is unhappy with you, and you would refuse to let her because you place her happiness above your own and would thus set her free to find happiness), or it is our own responsibility (meaning she should not stay with you, as it would be be dishonest and inconsistent with her true desires, and that you can feel free to pursue her and cast her desires and hopes to the wind).
I agree with you that sacrificial love does come into play in monogamy at a certain point, but not when you are trying to figure out *if* you want to be committed forever and always to someone, which is what dating is for. It's trying to get to know this person to see if you want to make that sort of all-holds-bar, forever-monogamous commitment. If that person turns out to be someone you'd rather not make that commitment to, it's not out of place with the desire to one day make the commitment to move on from that specific possible commitment.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You seem to hold her responsible for your happiness by saying it is wrong for her to refuse you, even though she does not want you and it would purely be for your own happiness that you think she should commit to you.