This post was submitted by Alexis.
I am in love. I always found myself to be unappealing and fat but I found a guy that thinks I am absolutely beautiful. We have been dating for almost a year and we were amazing - up until now. We've been getting into little arguments here and there and he's been acting differently. He ignores me from time to time, and I feel clingy.
I don't want to feel like that and I don't want to feel like this. I tried talking to him but he told me nothing's wrong - but then why do I feel so terrible? I am so afraid he will leave and I cannot imagine my life without him.
What do I do? How do you communicate with someone who says everything's fine?
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Comments (27)
Vague response to a vague post.
Maybe it has nothing to do with you and he doesn't want to talk about it.
I would understand feeling hurt if the other person if picking small fights and acting less..loving? And you don't know why. That would be somewhat nerve-wracking.
My advice would be to pull back some. Don't be clingy, even if you feel clingy. He will feel less put-upon, and maybe feel more desirous of you in the end.
If you notice that he's distancing himself from you - give him space. I know it might be hard but do it and see how he reacts. maybe even just tell him that, "I noticed you're acting differently... and I've been trying to reach out to you but I am not getting a positive response back, I will be here when you're ready to talk, but for now I am going to give you space"
if he says it's nothing then it's nothing. stop over thinking, over analyzing everything bc it may cause issues you didn't want to begin with.
He told you nothing's wrong because, on his end, nothing's wrong. The reason you feel so terrible is because there is something wrong on your end. You need to tell him that you don't feel right and want to work on things.
relationships are like jobs. You start off with that new luster, excited, and havin a blast.
after a while, that fades, you get comfortable and lazy in areas you know you can get away with.
everything becomes routine. for anyone to keep the new car smell on a relationship, is killing themselves to do so... this is life its not a fairy tale, there is no perfect 'happily ever after'... as close to perfect relationships are ones of communication, understanding, and being happy with or without them, all at the same time. everything is wrong with everyone. we're all f'd up.
I am going through something like this right now. Although I am not together with her, it feels different when she is distant and not her usual self. Sometimes you feel like you need to put more out there so they'll respond to you and talk. But the truth is in this situation the one thing you need to give someone is time. The person needs time to organize their situation, their life, and all the other things going on around them. All you can really do is support them as best you can and be there when they need you. Interfering or butting into their life intrusively will only make them want to distance themselves more from you. Just be patient and let things run their course. They'll open up to you eventually. Just understand that it is not you causing them problem and not to be self conscious about it. I know it hurts to wait but being patient in life is something one must learn.
I would suggest going completely against your instincts when you feel clingy- whenever you can help it, instead act breezy and take some space. Even if you're actually thinking of him the whole time, go out by yourself or with some friends and do something you enjoy, that enriches your life.
You feel clingy because he's not giving you enough attention. He's pulling away. Direct your attention elsewhere and he will become more intrigued. You're currently too dependant on him, which he probably finds scary.
As it is right now, it looks like you ARE on the road to a break-up. If you act wisely and quickly, this might not happen. If it's too late and he breaks up with you, don't be afraid. He may well come back if you follow the above advice and DON'T MAKE YOUR LIFE ALL ABOUT HIM.
I can give this advice because I've been there, Honey. ;) Just had our second anniversary of getting back together (our first relationship broke down a bit before the two year mark)! And trust me, if he finds you wonderful and desirable, even if he's pulling away and you don't feel like it, then you ARE desirable. If you two do break up, I would suggest you try out dating to give yourself sight of that fact.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
Just remind him that a good relationship has good communication. Let him know how you're feeling. What you're perceiving, and allow him to give his input without counter-attacking.Allow each side to speak AND be heard. Let him know you have been feeling like something is off, and you need to know what's happened.
If he still insists it's nothing, perhaps you should believe him. If he tells you whatever is on his mind, be open and perceptive. Don't be hurt, and don't steal the conversation. LISTEN to him. :) Share. But let him know that for the relationship to work, you guys need open communication. You feel something is off, and maybe it is. Give it a little time & work. Best wishes!! Don't let you're mind run wild. :) That's the worst thing us women can do!
This happened to me and my ex, as well as my current SO. They both are the type of person to keep their issues to themselves, and when I felt like something was wrong they gave the one-word-responses. Eventually I found out that it was just small things that were bothering them, and they simply didn't want to include it in the relationship.
One thing I have learned is that my SO gets a little moody and quiet when there's an issue involving one of his family members. Instead of asking if everything is ok, ask him if there is anything that you can do to help. If he answers "No, I'm fine", just let it be. Still show that you care by doing small acts of appreciation, but don't pester him about it.
@Under_the_Ghillie@xanga - You sound like my therapist
I don't think she realizes that I know how to breathe
There's a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. One thing it mentions is that sometimes men will pull away like this and your first instinct is to cling harder. Don't do this. Sometimes men want to go in their 'man caves' for a while and that's okay. It may have nothing to do with you. He may start to feel smothered if you don't give him his 'him' time.
@ChainBracelets@xanga - Well in that case, that'll be... (does math- 2 hours @ $275/hr=) ONE MILLLLION DOLLARS! :p
She's over-reacting, is all. She's concerned, and she's letting that concern affect her decisions, and that could very well end up stressing the relationship to the point of breaking when all that's really needed is a breather. It's like a panic attack, hyperventilating. She just needs to (figuratively) breathe.
@Under_the_Ghillie@xanga - Lies! Therapists don't accept moniez, they accept complaints.
@Under_the_Ghillie@xanga - Oh, goodness, that song is just...blasphemous. I don't believe in any specific god, but that's what that song is. The definition of blasphemy.
Which is why mocking it is so damn entertaining ;)
@Under_the_Ghillie@xanga - Oh herro. My name is ______, lovely to meet you
Gah. Note to self, that one isn't funny, take it off the list.
@Under_the_Ghillie@xanga - LOL I realized your joke, I was being sarcastic.
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Maybe the honeymoon phase is at the beginning of its end, sorry to say. "I cannot imagine my life without him" is a very, very strong statement. You have to remember that there are two ways for a relationship to go: 1)You live happily ever after, in marital bliss, or 2) You break up, amicably or not. Do you see yourself marrying this guy forever and ever? It's a very serious question to consider. It sounds to me that you need to do more soul searching and spiritual growing. I've learned that a person can't make another person a source of happiness. Only you can bring happiness yourself.