Thursday, 01 November 2012
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Should I Tell Her That I Dislike Her Boyfriend?
One of my best friends from childhood was two years younger than me. We were two artistically-inclined girls who couldn’t pass up an opportunity to make candles, paint pictures, or make t-shirts. As luck may have it, we also ended up attending the same university, and lived in the same dorm her Freshman year. Living in the same dorm meant that we got to see one another on a regular basis. My friend was a very caring, creative, intelligent, happy person, but there was one problem: her boyfriend was a complete jerk.She began dating her boyfriend in her junior year of high school. I had met her boyfriend a couple of times when I was home from college. When I initially met him, the two of them were “just friends,” and I found him to be awfully immature. He had no ambitions for the future, often rambled on about all of the girls he thought were “hot,” and kept making self-deprecating comments as a means of fishing for complements from others.
On top of that, although he knew that my friend was romantically interested in him, he had told her that he had no interest in dating her, yet he had no problem acting flirty towards her and leading her on.I often contemplated why such an intelligent, beautiful girl with ambitions to become a doctor would pursue such a shallow, dim-witted guy, but I did not feel that it was my place to say anything about the situation - especially after they began dating. What did I know about the nature of their relationship, anyway? I was away at college most of the time and was not observing their relationship first-hand.
Maybe my initial impressions about the guy did not paint a complete picture of who he really was. Ultimately, I wanted to trust that my friend had a solid sense of judgment in terms of her dating life, since she displayed a solid sense of judgment in all other facets of her life, and if something really was off about her boyfriend, one of her other friends at school would talk to her about it. The guy appeared to make her very happy, so he couldn’t possibly be all that bad, right?Flash forward to her freshman year of college. One evening, my friend knocked on the door of my dorm room. I opened the door to find her in tears. She came into my room and told me that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. She then revealed a number of new dimensions of their relationship that she had previously never discussed with me.
Her boyfriend was being emotionally abusive to her and trying to guilt her into driving three hours to visit him at his university every weekend. He also made her feel guilty when she told him that she could not talk long because she had to study for classes and told her she was useless and a failure. He constantly stalked her Facebook page and yelled at her whenever she communicated or took a picture with another guy, even though they were always just friends.
He threatened to break up with her if she attended the salsa dancing event that our dorm was hosting because she’d be dancing with other guys. He told her she was useless without him and that if she left him, she would have to be content with being alone forever because nobody else would ever want her. Not only did I feel immensely sorry for my friend, but I was also hit with a surge of guilt.It is often not obvious when it is and is not appropriate to have an input in a friend’s dating life, especially if you are going to be critical of the character of the friend’s love interest. What if your friend does not take your well-intentioned criticism lightly and cuts off all contact with you as a result, stating that none of this is your business? Are you really doing the right thing by speaking up? What if speaking up prevents an awful situation from taking place?
Could these situations have been prevented if I had told my friend about my initial impression of her boyfriend a couple years before? If you are not fond of the person your friend is dating, at what point do you decide to express these concerns to your friend, or is it really none of your business?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
- Name: iamnotyourgrandma
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Comments (21)
I think people have to learn on their own, honestly. All you can do is be there for her.
I agree with @UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - there are some things that you just have to learn on your own. There was no way you could have known what he was really like since you were not there. The only thing you really can do is be there to support her. Even though he is emotionally abusive, will hard for her to leave him. You can voice your opinion, but I would only do so if she asks how you feel. It's not that it isn't your business, it is that she has to be the one that is ready to end the relationship.
I prefer my friends tell me their opinions of my significant others. I'm only friends with people I respect, and if I'm getting blinded by infatuation, I'd really prefer someone I trust tell me I am. And I don't mind them saying so early provided that they keep their head about them when they do (ie, meeting someone once and screaming they hate them would bug me, but saying they weren't much of a fan would be reasonable). That said, I won't necessarily agree with the friend, and I won't break up with someone just because my friends dislike him/her - but I also won't cut ties with a friend because they don't like an SO if they're respectful of the relationship.
I don't think you should worry about the "what ifs" concerning your choice not to say anything years ago. It's not productive. I do think that, if it comes up, it's appropriate to say that what she went through sounds like emotional abuse (or, even, to bring it up gently if there are enough cues). Just try not to jump to conclusions early on and never ever blame her for staying. Leaving abusive relationships is hard (and, if the abuser is physically abusive, dangerous).
If she's still in the situation or her (ex-)boyfriend is stalking her/otherwise being problematic, consider looking into a local domestic abuse shelter or equivalent. Even if she doesn't stay there, they can help her get out/away - IF she wants to.
Good luck.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - @UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - What they said.
In this situation, I don't think there is anything you could have done.
Abusive relationships are very complicated. Abused people usually stay with their abuser, even when others have made them realize abusive the other person's behavior is.
I knew someone, who had dreams of becoming a doctor when he was a kid. then he grew up and became a criminal and landed hinself in jail for nearly a decade. you never really know who some people are sometimes even if they appear to be sane, intelligent, and have "good judgement" of situations. however, the person that I knew turned his life around and now makes a 6 figure income without a college degree. so who knows what tomorrow will bring lol it wasn't brought...he made it happen. anyway, I know a female, who has an emotionally and physically abusive husband, but she defends her husband and is on his side even though he treats her badly, yet she calls her sister crying about it when he hits her. in her case, she's financially dependent on him, and feels stuck. she hates her family and got married/had a baby young in order to escape. she would rather stay with her abuser than go live with them again. I think in an odd way, she's used to his dr.jekyll and mr.hyde behavior of being nice one moment and then being a jerk the next, so she overlooks his bad behavior while relishing the times when he's nice to her again. it is a vicious cycle of annoyance. it has gotten to the point where people in her family thinks she's crying wolf when she seeks someone to rant/talk to and seems to want help, but she prevents herself from leaving because she's brainwashed and probably afraid to start over.
Who knows? Maybe people stay with their abuser because they get off on it. All I know is, I wouldn't let someone treat me like that. You'll just have to let them learn on their own. As someone who knows some karate and comes from a family who earned their black belts, someone will think twice before they lay a hand on me. There's the stereotypes where people think people buy their way into their black belts, but my family EARNS everything they receive.
I hope she broke up with her boyfriend because he is insecure and has all of the hallmarks and red flags of an abuser..He is dangerous and I hope she doesn't go back to him.
DANGER!!!
Prevented? Doubt it. Some things you have to find out for yourself.
Yeah probably not preventable. However friends, especially long time friends have an obligation to be honest to each-other. If you ever care what-so-ever for your friends well-being you should tell them what you think, especially in that situation.
Some people are scared to tell their friends that they dislike the SO (especially with good reason), as if their friend will hate them for it. Sure your friend might not like it, but just insist that you are being honest and not malicious. If they don't heed your warning, then it is on them.
I doubt you telling her he was a jerk would have changed anything. Though there's never any harm in being honest. If you don't like someone you should make it known. Doesn't have to be a dramatic declaration of hatred, but when talking to your friend you can just say something along the lines of "I know he's your boyfriend and all, but I really dislike him. He's a jerk." That's it, that's all you need. Then move on with a clear conscience. Coming in after the fact and going "yeah I always thought he was a jerk." Doesn't really do much of anything. So always best to just say how you feel when you feel it.
That kind of relationship can happen to anyone, really and it isn't something that can be prevented. Unless she won't do anything without your permission. I know from experience I had a guy tell me within the first week he was abusive, called an ex and she told me he's abusive but I didn't listen and wasted 2 years with him. I was 19 and had pretty high confidence but thought that that type of crap happened to other people, it wasn't reality and I thought that if a guy was abusive, he wouldn't openly admit it. Abuse usually happens so subtly you don't even realize it until the relationship is over and you look back over it. Then you can see where you should have seen the flags. In my experience it happened so slow I had no idea I was losing self esteem and confidence, my social skills left and then the physical abuse started. It's just ignorant to think that it can never happen to you or that they are beneath you. I'd happily take physical abuse over mental and emotional (knowing some martial arts or fighting doesn't help fight against manipulation, brain washing, and emotionally being torn down).
Don't feel guilty for not telling her though, when you met him and they were just friends he was prepping her for the abuse, so to say. She wouldn't have listened to you and you may have lost her as a friend. Just let her cry on your shoulder, comfort her and show her that you care now. She needs you now and abuse isn't as easy as people say to "just get away from."
It's likely your input wouldn't have helped the situation if you do speak up, as she would have probably found an excuse to stay with him. I think it would have probably strained your relationship as well, as she wouldn't feel like she could talk to you to stop your image of him getting worse. My 'best friend' doesn't like my boyfriend, and because of it I don't feel like I can turn to her when I have problems, I have other friends who get on fine with him and I find it so much easier to talk to them.
Unless it's subjective or not harmful like, he's not good looking enough, not tall enough or smart enough. I wouldn't say anything. But if it's anything that's, like you said, "off", I would say something. I think I'm obligated to if I'm a friend. Bad relationship is a cycle, once in, it's hard to be out. It's one of the biggest reason to warn a friend as early as possible. Would it have made a difference? Maybe not, but it shouldn't stop me from doing what I consider a right thing.
You did everything right. If you had said something, she would have gotten mad at you. She needed to learn on her own.
Don't feel guilty. In my view, the way I handle friendships is I start with square one... How close am I to said person? If I am close at all, anyone who knows me at all knows that I say what I feel out of care for that person... And they also usually know my instincts on people are correct, it seems... From trial and error, it seems, at least. Anywho. So, if the person knows me at all, I typically find a way to address my concern for the friend. Sometimes it is those whom seem most strong to us whom need a friend with a reality check... You know? Someone to remind us that we ARE great people, and that we DO deserve better. We need people to support us, even if we choose what is in their eyes the wrong path.
Perhaps it would do you good to sit down with said friend... To let her know your initial impression of said guy, and the fact that he seems to be living up to what you perceived. And remind her that he doesn't determine her worth. That you have seen all this classy spirit in her, and that you know she will be found to have worth by a guy who is worthy of her. She shouldn't be discouraged, and from the way it sounds, she shouldn't try to win her ex back. Instead, she should focus on finding herself and what makes her happy, and hope the best for the guy who will treat her with respect to fall into her path when the timing's right. :)
Best wishes to you and your friend. It sounds like before, you guys weren't really the type to talk about intimate details of your lives. However, now may be the time to change all that. Let her know she has value, and he's crazy for not seeing it. And he's crazy for not valuing it. And let her know you'll be there for her if she needs anyone, if you care enough to truly be there for her. :) And thanks for caring so much about a person. Means the world for me to see people like that!
Best wishes,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
You can tell her that what he is doing is emotional abuse. Which I am sure she is aware off (especially if she wants to prusue a medical career). However people are blinded by "love" to see the truth.
I've been there, never listened to my friends and had to learn on my own. I had a close friend who was in a relationship with a loser who was also abusing her emotionally and physically. We told her to break it off that this guy was no good. She did not listen, they ended up breaking up and she learned which I guess is better for her own development through such experience.I have another friend, they guy is not so bad but there quite a few red flags from him. I was honest with her once as well(this happened quite recently and I thought we'd be grown up to handle such honesty). But of course I was the "bad guy" for telling her it as it is, we ended up distancing. She is fully engrossed in the relationship and I rarely hear from her now. I admit I miss her and maybe a bit bitter at the distance. But if she's happy in that relationship what can you do. I have otherwise try to mend things but did not work.So my advice to you: for her safety and your accountability as a friend let her know in kindest and gentle way possible about how unsafe this relationship is. Point out her strengths and what an awesome person she is and that you are there for her. I think I learnt the hard way "tough love" and being blunt just does not work out in these situations.
I usually tell my opinion of the significant other to close friends like that lol. It also helps to get it out of your system, like others said. I think it would've helped her realize things earlier on but in the end, it took a big event like this to make her break up with him.
i actually commend you for not sticking your nose in and giving them the benefit of the doubt. you really have no idea unless she's telling you everything.
Yes, you definitely could have prevented it. That's what friends are for. They're there to stab you in the front, not the back. You communicate with him/her and tell them what's on your mind about something that involves her well-being and happiness. "Saying difficult things now is better than fixing difficult problems later." --Karen Salmansohn. You both can live and learn from this situation. Just put it in your relationship toolbox. Both you and your friend shouldn't beat yourselves up for what happened. The Universe has a reason for slapping you in face.
I think that at least giving your side of the story would give your friend a perspective on how others view him, because at some point the relationship moves past just the couple. In order for the relationship to sustain itself properly, both the couple and their friends should be able to get along and find a good balance so that the couple does not lose friendships by spending less and less time together.
THAT BEING SAID, I believe that even if you were to tell your friend about your discontent with her boyfriend, she must see the qualities you point out to her as well. So even if you tell her what you think, she may not see those points at that time and will either learn the hard way or will work around it for the benefit of the relationship. No matter what you say, it is up to her and her boyfriend as to what happens. Give your two cents, but be prepared for ANY reaction