Monday, 29 October 2012
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Dating 101: How NOT to Appear Desperate
So you’re a senior in college, and the dating scene has never been particularly kind to you. You don’t understand why this is happening: you go out to bars and parties every weekend and you make conversation with attractive strangers, but you never seem to be coming any closer to being a relationship. What could possibly be going wrong?Generally, neither women nor men find desperation to be an attractive quality in a potential partner. Perhaps a partial cause of your romantic woes is that other people perceive you as too desperate for a romantic relationship. Why might this be happening? If you exhibit one or more of the following qualities, you may want to take a minute to re-think the way you interact with the person you are trying to pursue:
- You find your interest and "friend" her/him on Facebook - five minutes after you meet. If you were friendly enough with the person upon first meeting him/her that you exchanged phone numbers, this behavior may not come off as creepy; however, if the person generally looked bored while talking to you and kept trying to find any excuse she could to get away from you, receiving a Facebook friend request from you is extremely creep! Nothing says, “Hey, I just met you, and I want to find out everything about you!” more than immediately "friending" a person on Facebook just minutes after you met that person for the first time. In principle, there is nothing wrong with "friending" a person on Facebook as a means of getting to know the person better; in fact, for most people, that is the main purpose of social networking websites. However, immediately “friending” a person may lead to an even creepier behavior…
- You attempt to interact with them on social media websites as much as possible. If they weren't even willing to give you their number when you met last night, they're not going to appreciate you bombarding them with chat messages every time they log on, leaving comments on their photos that compliment them for having a “hot bod.” Seriously, that’s creepy.
- You mope about your past dating experiences. The way to a man or woman’s heart does not involve a stop at a big pity party. Stay positive! Nobody enjoys talking to a person who is constantly complaining about events in the past that cannot be changed. Remember: when you’re interacting with a person that you would potentially want to date, it’s important to try to show off your good qualities. Do you have a hobby or passion? Talk about that! Stay focused on topics that show off other dimensions of your life and avoid talking about your past relationship woes.
- You use cheesy pick-up lines to get a person’s attention. There’s a reason people make a mockery of those, and it’s not because they have a history of working!
- You exchange phone numbers with your romantic interest, and you call and text that person multiple times every day. Good news! It appears as if you have found success in getting your interest’s phone number. However, you’re sabotaging the potential for a relationship when you attempt to call and text the person multiple times the very next day. Stop! You’re coming off far too strong and may annoy your potential love interest to the point where he/she does not want to deal with your antics, and your relationship is over before it even got a chance to begin!
- You keep pushing for a date, even when the person has already said, “No.” You ask your love interest on a date, and he/she politely declines. Oh, but you’re really attracted to that person – maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask just one more time? Maybe twice? Three times? No, definitely not, and CAN’T YOU TAKE A HINT? If a person has made it 100% clear that he/she is not interested in dating you, it’s time to move on. Repeated attempts to ask the person out after that person has said “no” is like saying, “I don’t have any other options! I have to go out with you!” Look, unless the rest of the human race has been destroyed by a meteor or Godzilla or an apocalypse of some sort, there are several billion more options. You just have to keep looking.
Every person’s dating experience is different, and there aren't “right” or “wrong” ways to a man or woman’s heart necessarily, but avoiding behaviors such as these will greatly reduce the chances of scaring off potential love interests with desperation before a relationship even has a chance to cultivate!
Where do you draw the line between being flirty and being desperate?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
- Name: iamnotyourgrandma
- About Me: I'm 24 years old, and, as my username implies, there is a 100% chance that I am not, in fact, your grandma. I enjoy discussions about relationship ideologies and examining how a person's background/upbringing affects his/her views about how relationships work. Feel free to leave me a comment or subscribe to my site!
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Comments (8)
I don't. A person's (seeming) ability to get with anybody else but me is irrelevant. I don't need to feel as though I'm profiting off of being in a relationship. Avoiding those who seem desperate reveals a quality lower than being desperate... it's nothing short of opportunistic (taking advantage of all the benefits of being desperate oneself when one apparently isn't).
http://youtu.be/nS246KKU5Dw
I read all this shit "they're your ex for a reason". Well, they're desperate for a reason, because of opportunistic behavior. The person could be amazing, but no one ever invests in them because of their circumstances. A veritable diamond in the rough... but again, I don't go dating desperate people because of that. It just doesn't matter.
Why avoid desperate people unless you're desperate yourself?
if i'm interested and think he's cute, then I welcome the attention. if I'm not interested and don't find him the least bit cute, then he'll come across as desperate, obnoxious and stalkerish. if a guy that I don't like calls me "babe" or anything else trying to be flirty, I'll want to puke. if he was my crush, I'll try to resist giggling in glee
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - lol yup. it depends on what person is doing this in order for it to be "cute" or "creepy."
Definitely talk about hobbies and passions. You never know if they are shared.
I don't get all these posts that advise people to act like anything other than themselves when they are in a relationship or trying to get a date. Misrepresenting yourself is a great way to have the relationship end prematurely when you can't keep up that act anymore and the person doesn't like who you really are. Relationships aren't an acting gig. Just be yourself or you'll never find anyone who likes you for you.
@Syaoransbear@xanga - That's true, but being yourself and understanding the implications of your behavior are not mutually exclusive. In regards to this post, coming off as desperate isn't a personality trait, it's a controllable behavior that makes other people uncomfortable, and trying not to do so is just...considerate. Having some insight and self-control doesn't mean you're being fake or pretending to be something you're not.
I think the underlying trend in ALL of these are "seeing a person as a love interest when you've known them a total of three minutes." Get to know people before you decide you want to be attached at the hip for life. That's just common sense.
And sometimes it DOES make sense to ask for a date/romantic relationship multiple times, just space it out.
That's the weirdest thing about the dating game, is that you have to seem like you're sooooo in demand, instead of letting someone know that you're interested from the beginning. Then again, I was more of the "prove to me you're actually interested in me and maybe I'll give you a shot" kind of girl, not because I wasn't interested, I just had my own life going on, and only wanted a relationship that was worth my time. So I guess I played the game too, just without knowing it.