Sunday, 28 October 2012
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Marriage: Is it Worth It?
This post was submitted by 'Just Some Guy'.
I've been with my SO for the past year and a half. I'm 25 and she's 27. We get along perfectly and I really do love her and she loves me. We both completely respect each other's space and personal freedoms. We've never even had an argument, although we have stepped on each other's nerves before slightly. She's going to be moving in with me at the end of the year and I couldn't be happier.With all that in mind, marriage seems like a natural step, but I am hesitant about marriage because I've seen so many other men get steamrolled in divorces, and an equal number of men in unhappy marriages. It seems that once you do get married, if for any reason you don't meet your SO's standards or expectations, they can divorce you for any reason and then you'll be in a terrible emotional and financial state.
My Uncle went through that. When he and his wife got divorced for "irreconcilable differences," he ended up losing his house and his family. He had to move out and still pay the mortgage and child support. To top it off, he could only see his kids two weekends out of the month. Long story short, he ended up losing his visitation rights because he would show up and see the kids when he wasn't "allowed to."
My Aunt filed a restraining order against him and it stuck. The man was just fiercely loyal to his kids and just wanted to spend time with them. As soon as her kids were old enough to move out, they did. One by one. She's pretty much been the black sheep of the family since.I have other examples, but this is already turning out longer than I thought it would. I'm just really conflicted because everywhere I turn, the message in society is to get married. But actually looking at marriage, the most logical thing to do is to not get married because of the high risk of divorce. I really don't want to end up a bitter old man like my uncle. He used to be the happiest guy I knew.
What's your take on it?
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Comments (66)
YES! It is worth it. If you don't take risks in life how do you expect to get anywhere? At least your uncle was the "happiest guy ever" for a time.
@quantumstorm - So, what is your take on marriage?
No. What's the point in tying yourself down to having sex with one person for the rest of your life? That sounds awfully boring.
As much as this post resonates with me and my own experiences, it may be prudent to hear your aunt's side of the story before you label her a black sheep. I'm assuming you haven't given by the way the story is conveyed; feel free to correct me on that.
Even if the uncle's story is invalidated, I think you're definitely onto something here. There are a lot of good things that can come out of a committed relationship, but nowadays much of that is obscured by the price a lot of guys pay for a marriage gone bad. The risks outweigh the benefits when it comes to marriage if you ask me.
There are people out there who believe marriage is a lifelong commitment and are really seeking someone who is willing to put in the effort; but just remember, no matter how lovely she appears, or claims to be, or has acted towards you... it's a gamble when you say "I do."
The easiest way to not end up bitter in life has nothing to do with your marital status. It has EVERYTHING to do with how you approach the challenges and opportunities life throws at you. I've met a lot of miserable married folk who put on a hell of a front when it comes to their public image, and I've met a lot of perfectly content and satisfied single folk who have never tied the knot. Marriage is not necessary if you want to be happy or satisfied with life. And that's the key... society tries to tell men that marriage is the next step, because it still relies on a lot of men being the good little cash cows that women need to support their biological clocks. That is starting to change now, but some of the elements still remain.
Don't let society tell you what you should do with your marital life. And DON'T fall for the lie that you need to be married in order to avoid bitterness later on in life.
Tl;dr version - Marriage is not a necessary part of life. You don't need a spouse to be happy or live a fulfilling, meaningful life. Don't let society fuck with your head. No matter how wonderful she is, it's always a gamble when you marry her. Do you want to take that risk?
Marriage is the highest factor in divorce, simply because you have to get married to get divorced lol. A marriage is what you put into it, the same as any relationship. If you are that worried just about the financial aspect you can always get a prenup. As for your uncle's circumstances, there probably was something more going on then simply divorcing for a small reason. As unfair as it seemed that he was only allowed visitation during certain times, he shouldn't have visited outside of those times. It was decided by a court so your aunt had to prove why your uncle shouldn't have custody.
To make a long story short, marriage is worth it but marriage is also a lot of work. I know because I've gone through a divorce (of which I did not ask for anything, we split our assets straight down the middle, he keeps what he makes, and so do I) and wouldn't mind getting married to someone else in the future. Like with any relationship there are those couples who are amazing together and there are couples who are completely wrong for each other. See how living together works first but if you love her and trust her then I wouldn't take marriage off the table.
@olwd@xanga - See above
Also, I would add: "She's going to be moving in with me at the end of the year and I couldn't be happier."
You might want to check your state's provisions for common-law marriages so she's not using the move-in as a way to get access to your funds without you realizing it.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I see what you're saying. I wonder if women enjoy living alone and much as men, or am I just being sexist here?
@olwd@xanga - That would depend on the men and women you ask. From my experience, the guys have an easier time with it than the women do, and it could have something to do with the differences in the biological clocks.
Don't use other people's experiences to judge your own. All relationships are different and while there are a lot of unsuccessful marriages, there are just as many happy ones. Ask yourself, can you live without her? Can you see yourself growing old with her? If both of those answers are a yes then go ahead and pop the question! :D
Yep. Today is my 17th anniversary.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - my, how you've changed!
@light_blue_fables@xanga - Oh don't worry, I still think marriage is akin to russian roulette, haha. But from the looks of it, the OP is starting to go down that path anyways. The bigger problem is trying to convince oneself that marriage is not a necessary part of a fulfilling, happy life, and that can be difficult seeing as a lot of people are brought up believing that marriage is just a "next step" in life.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I think he also needs to factor in the length of their relationship. 18 months. Why rush into marriage? Move in together first and see how that goes, then after more time has passed you will have a better idea of whether marriage is for you or not.
i think it depends on your view of marriage. i don't see it as anything special to me. i can be just as committed to my SO without a piece of paper and a ring. and frankly, i think it's a sign of insecurity to believe that getting married makes your relationship better. you shouldn't be committing yourself to someone for life until you already know it's wonderful.
Sign a pre-nup, problems solved
Women don't get restraining orders against men for no reason.
@Trueinnerbeauty@lovelyish - I agree with that statement also.
If you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then marriage will be just a formality :P
Also, a drop of advice that my mother gave me: never marry someone until you've lived under the same roof as they for at least one year. Trust me, conflicts will arise, and it will show you how you guys function as a team/couple.
Best of luck.
You don't have to defend your desire to not get married. The only thing that matters is if your girlfriend is on board with you.
Don't get married if promising yourself to one person through thick and thin doesn't appeal to you--it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's that simple.
You need to find out how you really feel about marriage by looking within yourself, as corny as that sounds. Asking for random opinions won't satisfy you in the long run. But it sounds like you're not ready because you made this post. There are good financial benefits that come with being legally married, but if you don't care too much about that then it's really just a title. Don't let societal pressure make you want to do something you really don't want to do.
Marriage is worth the risk if you marry the right person as you are both mentally capable to handle all of the responsibilities that come along with it. Before you take your vows, discuss what you expect from each other in your respective marriage roles as well as what you expect from each other as parents. Get it ALL on the table. A lot of people rush into marriages or don't want to work hard enough at fixing whatever problems may arise. Marriage is NOT easy and it's not always fun. Like anything, there is good and bad. You won't know what it would be like until you experience it yourself. You can't use other relationships of others to form an opinion on marriage. You have to use your own experience.
I think marriage is whatever the two people in it make of it. If both of you see it as a life commitment, then you'll both be more determined to try to make it work. If one of you doesn't, when problems come up, one of you will want to solve them and the other might not, and that will be awkward.
But as QuantumStorm said, it is a gamble. No matter how you look at it, you will be taking a risk. There is no way of knowing she won't screw you over somehow, or that you won't screw her over.
But even if it is a risk, I think it has a chance of being a very positive experience if both of you want it to be. Maybe wait a bit longer before deciding if you want to marry her. And also, make sure you both know how the other feels about important issues like money, sex, children, and all those other things that are awkward to talk about.
If you're happy together, then you're happy. Getting married is not going to change your emotional state or your commitment to each other. Or at least it shouldn't. You'll only see a difference in taxes and certain rights.
You don't need to get married to spend your lives together, have children or whatever else. But you're both going to change as the years pass. If you don't think you'll be able to handle the person she grows into, then don't get married. If you break up, it won't be any less devastating simply because you don't have a marriage license.
I personally wouldn't get married until you've had at least one serious 'make or break' fight. You need to know how you'll both handle yourselves when at times you absolutely can't stand each other.