This post was submitted by Jen.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few months now and one of his closest friends is a female. She has been away, and is now living in the same city. I have no problem with their friendship but recently, I have noticed her behavior being a bit strange. One night she got angry at him and told him off over the phone because he was apparently rude to her. She went on and on about it.
What was weird about it was it was like how you would talk to your boyfriend not your friend (or when you're in a relationship with someone and you get annoyed with them). I found this just a bit off. She generally seems okay with me, but she started crying on another night when she was saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I asked him what that was about and he doesn't know. Since then, he has asked her why she did that and all she said is that it had triggered something in her.
The last time we saw her she started being a bit rude towards my boyfriend, kind of attacking him and being insensitive. Then she got into a dark mood and my boyfriend found this a bit odd as well. We have discussed what it could be and he doesn't know. He has asked her and she said she has some things going on at the moment. He asked her what, and now she has said she would rather tell him in person. I don't know, but I just find her behavior a bit odd and I seem to think that she may jealous of our relationship.
She appears to be nice to me but I don't know how genuine this is. They have been good friends for a while and now he spends all his time with me. I just get this sense that she is getting resentful that I am taking up all his time and that she doesn't get to spend time with him as much anymore. I've mentioned this to my boyfriend and he doesn't think that she's that sort of person.
Is there any way to resolve this without it getting awkward?
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Comments (20)
It looks like she's in love with him, and your boyfriend probably knows but doesn't want to tell you to make you think that he has feelings for her, too. He probably doesn't, but he also probably doesn't want to destroy the relationship with this girl even though he knows it's about to end. Once you know she has feelings for him, you'll not want them to spend anymore time together, obviously. So yeah. I mean why else would she act that way around him? Of course she's jealous.
You don't really have to be "that sort of person" to be sad that a good friend of yours is suddenly very much gone from your life. A few years ago I had a really good platonic guy friend. We did crazy stuff together, but there was never anything sexual about the two of us. We were kind of pals who buy 20 balloons to hand out to strangers on main street, who were young enough at heart to rake up all the leaves in the campus diag so that we could jump in them. We never talked about serious things, just had a lot of fun together.
But then he got a girlfriend, and suddenly 3-4 hangouts a week turned into seeing him for lunch maybe once a week. It was totally normal for me to be sad not because I wanted to date him, but because I missed my friend.
Besides, it's normal for even guy friends of a guy to become resentful of his girlfriend if he's always busy cuddling or watching a movie with her instead of hanging out with his bros. Why can't a female friend be resentful, even if she doesn't want to get in his pants?
I agree with @LightBlue21@xanga wholeheartedly. It sucks when your best friend no longer spends time with you because that friend is spending all their time with their SO. I can't see a good way to fix this, though.
To be fair, it must be hard on her. When my male best friend got a girlfriend, it was hard because we never seemed to see each other anymore. I saw him say, twice a month at weekends, and that turned into once every two/three months because she took up all his time. She was the one he replied to first, her problems took priority and so did her needs. While that's natural in a relationship, it is hard when you're the friend "left behind".
It is possible she likes him, but never realised it until he liked someone else. It happens. But more likely than not, she's a bit jealous because she's not as high in his priorities anymore.
I have a very close friendship with one of my guy friends now and we hang out literally 24/7. I wouldn't know what would happen if he got a girlfriend or if I got a boyfriend. I always fear this situation that we are going to drift apart. We have our own routines and everything. We've been hanging out forever and he's been one of my bestest friends to me for a long time and has always been there for me for the most part when we weren't getting into it ourselves. I can understand why your ex's friend may react the way she does, but it's also because she probably has feelings for your boyfriend, too. Unfortunately, there's no pretty way that it's going to end. One or the other is going to get cut.
My guy friend has always told me that he'd choose our friendship over a girlfriend if she had a problem with us being friends, especially since he wouldn't have known that girlfriend for as long as he's known me so I hope it's true.
Yeah if they're really good friends you should try and let your boyfriend understand how it could be upsetting if he's no longer spending much time with her. Maybe they need to set aside time every week or every few days to talk to each other. I don't know, but he needs to understand that you're his girlfriend, not his whole life.
Friends do become dependent on one another and while the new SO often sees it as 'jealousy' or 'resentment', that is just a good friendship experiencing a loss. Girls are often more emotional about such things which is why you are so suspicious of it, don't be. Don't mistake it for the kind of emotions and "love" you get in your relationship, some people might try to skew it like that, as if there is some sort of cheating or unfaithful emotions going on, there probably isn't.
If anything, just make sure you and your boyfriend have a balanced relationship where you both still see your friends and do not monopolize each others time (no matter how much the other does not object). Monopolizing an SO and not allowing them to still be close with their friends is a very easy way to sabotage your relationship and breed resentment from your SO.people are just moody individuals when life just lingers on
Maybe she liked him, or maybe she misses the closeness they had before you came along. It can be difficult to adjust when a close friend gets an SO and suddenly you don't occupy that important a place in their life.
I don't know how you can make it less awkward for her, but I know how you can avoid making it more awkward. Do not rub it in that you're together. That doesn't mean that you have to act like you're not together, but excessive PDAs and comments that could come across as bragging about your relationship should be kept to a minimum. A close male friend of mine is in a relationship with a girl I used to be friends with, and it seems like she takes every chance she can to rub it in that she's with him and I'm not. It really makes me want to avoid both of them, which is tough, because I miss my male friend. I now try to have nothing to do with that girl.
The person who should be talking to this girl is your BF, not you. It would just be way to awkward if you asked her what was going on. If anyone does that, it should be your BF, the one she knows better and considers a close friend.
It will be awkward if you allow it to be awkward. Honestly she sounds like she's craving attention, and let's not deny that us females can get a little competitive for attention at times, especially when a guy is on board.
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She seems to be going through a hard time and it seems to be centered around your boyfriend. If push comes to shove, have him talk to her about it so that she can move on.
I almost feel like it's none of your business. There are going to be others who envy your relationship and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a fact of life and is to be expected every now and then. If you trust your boyfriend (and trust is vital) to make the right choice should she attempt to move in on him, then it's just not your problem and you shouldn't worry about it. It's between the two of them.
I don't think she's in love with him. Your boyfriend may have been her main source of emotional support, and now it's gone and she's dealing with the loss.
She just needs to get a boyfriend.
I think she's jealous of what you two have. She has been acting strange, I would take it as she loves him. That's the only reason for her to act like that and cry when she says goodbye to him. I would talk to her up front and ask her what is going on, if everythings okay, and if she has feelings for him.
I agree with what @LightBlue21@xanga said. The same thing recently happened to me. And although I may have had slightly more romantic interest in my friend, I wasn't acting that way because I liked him but rather because I missed having his presence in my life. It's the same if a close female friend starts dating someone.
Just let her be, let her sort it out and eventually she'll either drop out of his life or she'll get over it.
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Do your best to be kind to her and to include her in group activities. Going out as a couple with groups of friends doesn't have to be offputting.
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