Friday, 26 October 2012

  • He's Going to the Military


    My boyfriend and I have been together for five years this October. We have had our ups and downs and as a couple, both made huge mistakes. We have tried to get past it and move on but when things were finally clearing up, he told me he was going to the military. He decided to go to the army to be a linguist. I was really torn and broken-hearted when he told me this. We had decided when we started college two years ago that we would be together for each other and stay in school.

    His reason for leaving college was because he felt college wasn't enough for him. He felt he wasn't really learning and achieving something he wanted. He also hopes by going to the army, he could fulfill our dream to live together and our future to be brighter. I don't know what to say to this or how to feel.

    I feel as if my boyfriend/best friend is going to leave me forever but this of course is me being overly dramatic. I just feel a certain sadness in me and it's troubling me a lot; it has affected my studies.

    What would you do if you boyfriend or girlfriend left for the military? Would you stay with him/her or leave them? Any other ideas you may have on the topic?

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Comments (37)

  • Pure_Taint@xanga

    My boyfriend is in the Army, he's been gone for 4 1/2 years now.

    We've been best friends for years. He never told anyone he was thinking about enlisting, he just did it and told us afterwards. Honestly, he told me at lunch in high school and I slapped him across the face. When he left for basic training, it was devastating. I went from seeing him everyday, to not being able to contact him for 12 weeks.

    After basic, he got his phone back and we talked constantly. It's hard, on both of us. I see him two times a year if we're lucky. When they're on base, they're cooped up and bored. They get lonely and cranky. The 14 months he was in Afghanistan were insanely nerve wracking. The military changed him, undoubtedly. But to me, with ME, he's still the same 18 year old boy I fell in love with.

    It's going to be hard. You're going to miss him. You're going to get frustrated and lonely. Dates turn into phone calls and sporadic letters. You will probably worry more than you thought possible. But if you can make it through this together, you can handle anything. It does get easier.

    My boyfriend's contract is done. He'll be home in hopefully a month. Looking back it seems impossible that it's gone by already. We've had insanely rocky moments/months. We've broken up. But at the end of the day, I love him and he was worth it.
  • LadyGwenivere@xanga

    my goddaughter's boyfriend is in the army, he wants to be a medic... She is terrified of something happening to him... when she told me he enlisted, she asked me what to do. I asked her what her heart was telling her to do. They were very close friends for almost a year and a half before he asked her dad if he could take her out on her first date.. for her sweet 16. She told me she cares about him alot, and even though the thought of something happening to him is hard to think about, the thought of not having him in her life was worse. So they stayed together. She might young, but she knows to follow her heart.

  • Darla@lovelyish

    This all seems really complicated, but trust me it is not. I've had boyfriends and even my exhusband in the military. If you think you can live with the lifestyle and you want to be with him, then stay. But if you are completely against the strains of military life, then you will regret your decision later in life and may even resent your boyfriend. Military life is never easy but it does have its advantages (pay, health care, etc). If you see a future with your boyfriend, feel that he is worth the stress, and think you can handle the military being a part of your life then be with him. 


    No matter what you decide, support your boyfriend. He is looking for that piece that completes his life, a career he wants. You should want the best for him, even if that means a little bit of heartache for you.
  • Gaia

    @Pure_Taint@xanga -  I wish you two the best of luck.

  • xinq@xanga

    I've had bad experiences with some military men.  Since they're away from their main woman and need some action, they cheat all the time with other women who they currently meet in their location.  In fact, I can't remember but I think if they get caught cheating they get discharged because that's been a big problem in the military - being unfaithful.  Well I hope your boyfriend isn't like most of them.  I couldn't date someone who enlisted in the military.  All that pent up sexual frustration they'd take out on some other woman they meet randomly on down times.  Would you go with him?  I've heard of military wives/girlfriends moving to their bases with them.  Sometimes there are certain sacrifices you need to make, you just have to pick which sacrifice is worth it: leaving your family behind and going with him, or staying where you are and talk to him every now and then, etc.
  • tiiiiiiiffany@xanga

    If you love him/ want to spend forever with him then stay with him.  If you aren't sure, then break up.  Because not sure is not worth it.
  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    my bf is a businessman and travels, so the not seeing each other often is similar. although he has money and can quickly and easily fly back and forth with ease. I think it is exciting even though I'm not the one traveling...that he can be across the world and be back in a day or two. it is like dating a spy who knows if he is actually a spy but he can't tell me anyway or else I'd be in danger and it'll turn into something like the true lies movie with arnold then I'll have to do a pole dance on the canopy bed and put the secret device to complete my mission and he'll give me commands in french words. it'll be so sexy. okay that was my wishful thinking. I'd date a businessman but not really someone in the military/army since they are stationed at one place for a long time and can't see me at a moment's notice like a spy does. I'd date james bond

  • Pure_Taint@xanga

    @Gaia - Thank you! It took us forever to stop being stubborn and become 'official'. But I knew we had to give it a shot, because despite all the problems and complications, he was still the one I wanted.
  • xxinvisiblerealityxx@xanga

    I know everyone is different but i think you should definitely give it a try. As you said you've been together for nearly 5 years so you are obviously doing something right as a couple and he is your best friend, if you decide to end it you may spend the rest of your life thinking what if? My boyfriends sister husband is in the army and they are still happily married and now have a 2 year old. It can work out. You should talk it over with your man and discuss all your options and your honest opinions about the coming years. Good luck, Stay strong <3
  • Artiewhitefox

    Don't .Military is evil. jesus dislikes the military. it kills the soul of the ones  even wanting to kill.
  • Edeline_Wrigh@xanga

    I wouldn't break up with a significant other who went into the military because of the time away/stress associated with it. Then again, it'd be easier for me to deal with than it is for other people in some ways, because my relationship set up is such that I'd still have partners around and would still be able to get physical affection and talk to someone regularly (even if I'd miss the partner in the military all the time).

    That said, I'd question whether the person and I were right for each other because of my personal views on war and the military. The strain of it wouldn't be a problem, but a huge difference in values might be.


    Even so, your partner is doing what he thinks is best. Feel free to give your viewpoint on it, but make sure you come from a place of compassion, understanding, and support. I'm sure he's thought about it a lot - he's not making a rash decision. It sounds to me like he needs to do this for himself, and because of that, I really do think it's best for him to do so. If you want to be with him, I think you should support him through it and help him remember that he has something to come home to after he's done. Long distance CAN work, as can military relationships - as long as both people are invested in the relationship.
  • notinwonderlandanymore@xanga

    I would break up with them, because I'm a pacifist and I couldn't date someone who was willing to risk their life supporting some war. I also couldn't handle the stress of worrying whether they were alive or dead, and not knowing when I was next going to hear from them again, if I ever was.
  • SHEERROSE@xanga

    I don't understand why you would consider leaving him....
  • thisismybl0g@xanga

    Support him if it's what he wants to do.  My boyfriend has been in the Army for 10 years... it's a stable job, and he enjoys it (jumping out of planes, shooting big guns, blowing up bombs, what's not to like?).  He's on his third (and probably last) deployment. :)  And there are tons of other military spouses out there that you can connect with... it's not something that will ruin your life.
  • charrlaa@xanga

    My husband is in the Army. He is an infantryman. I've been with him through all of it since the beginning. He just recently got back from a year long deployment to Afghanistan. We're still very young as well but I can tell you that it actually does WONDERS for your relationship. That is, if you let it. The military either makes your relationship stronger or weaker. The strong get stronger, the weak become weaker. If you truly do want to be with him for the rest of your life, you HAVE to support him. That is the number one thing men seek from women...respect and support in everything they do. Considering leaving him because of a certain dream he wants to fulfill can be hurtful. 

    Just imagine it like this...you WILL miss him. (No, it doesn't last forever. I'm glad you can already see this. But it CAN feel that way at times.) But you will miss him even more if you break up with him. What's worse...missing him for a few weeks during basic (or months if he's deployed) or missing him for a lifetime? The Army can change men...again, the good men become better and the notsogood men become worse. If he is a good guy, it will only make him better. You'll notice these things soon after he comes out of basic. The honor and dedication he will have...not just to the Army, but to you as well. If you love him enough that you think you can handle the distance, go for it! If you find yourself doubting your love for him/being able to handle a military relationship...get out now. 
  • xxeverliaxx@xanga

    My boyfriend is thinking about going into the Air Force. I've really been trying to accept it, especially since they only require you to be in the air force for two years now. It's not the separation that bothers me so much as that I don't want him to change, because the fact is, the military changes people, and I don't want him to stop being the mushy dorky nerdy sweetheart I fell in love with.
    I'm also afraid what will happen to him if he sees any kind of combat. I don't want to see him hurt. He's mostly joining so it'll help pay for college. But I don't really think college is worth emotional trauma. Plus I don't like the idea of him completely giving his life over to the military for two years, and not having any freedom or say in where he goes.
    I'm not just worried for me; I'm also worried for him. If he does join, I feel like the sooner he gets out the better.
  • lonelystrangergirl@xanga

    I'm in the a.f. As a linguist. Typing from my shitty phone. This place (the place he will be learning his language) is beautiful and most people who are in long term relationships (or just met someone across the hall) get married here. If you get married while he is here or before then you can move in with him and they foot the bill. No worries. If you have any questions, just message me.
  • lonelystrangergirl@xanga

    @xxeverliaxx@xanga - of all the things to worry about. Lol the air force doesn't change you too much. Unless you join as mp (security forces for the air force) or special forces, your job will be so chill that it will feel like it is just a job and you didn't sign away your life. Basic doesn't change people much. If he considers any other branch besides it and the navy, then you should be worried. Haha
  • PinkHoneysuckle@xanga
    Good night!

    ;I am just an old gal now, and nothing in my life has ever been whatever people view as, "Normal," but I am so many generations from your age that I can tell you a few things, and I agree with you all who have kicked in and said that if you two can survive this; then you can surive anything, and I mean anything. I do know that if I could move back in time that I would have neither married nor would I have had children so young;  But being born at mid-century, we were born and raised for our next ideal world to be getting married.  I had been so without all of my life that I knew that most people were just poor, and women my age were getting beat up, having babies, or if they got really lucky;  they might get a job in a clothing store!  If you checked out my book, "Pinkhoneysuckle," on Amazon -- You would get the idea that at times, I had no idea what love even meant, for I did not know anything but Biblical love, and it was failing me, and honest to God my mother was going to have  me placed in a state mental hospital, for I had an old Frudian psychiatrist who was calling her and ask HER, my fully insane mother if he could not just sign me in, for again that is the way it worked then -- Reasons;  He thought no one could possibly live the life I described to him.and  tobe as broken and telling the truth. He was giving me old time medications which I knew nothing about which made me fall asleep during every class which I had, and I had always been an honors student in high school, and made the deans list in college before the medicine got to me.  I lost my friends, for I cried all of the time, and the only thing I thought was good was going to my church group which had the biggest bunch of snobs on the campus, and I was just a hill girl in dresses out of style.

    I had an older airforce boyfriend; and I know to this day that  sorry bastard psychiatrist actually  got in touch with this boy I loved, so he would stop coming around, and he did not question me , because the medicine made it as such my speech was slurred.  And all I have to say to that screwey airforce boy, man now was that you were a rich little snot with money and cocaine, cigarettes and booze, and you thought I was not smart enough for you.  So in your, "Fiddle dee," life, I am certain you got balder, screwed around a lot more after you were married, and to your Daddy's tacky factory in Natchez;  Well, I have traveled a hell of a lot, own homes in two cities, have Einstein brain kids, and when I was middle age, you would have triped on your she laces had you seen what I was becoming.  Yes, and this year, you silly old thing; I got a first place in Hollywood for my book and Honorable Mention in San Francisco.  I would get over six years of college by my desparately hard wife, be a part of the nurses who reopened our cardiac surgery back in 1981, married a symphoney musician, but traveled Europe on my own;  You were not love; you were a user waiting on fresh girls; Again, just read a, "Pinkhoneysuckle," and he is just one of the imbeciles who would come my way -- For marriage and cooking our mans dinner by 12 noon was the best life was going to be.  No one believed in me or other women that marriage and babies just wore you down and out -- So God helped me, and I was out of there before the next week end would come.

    It sounds to me as if your boy friend loves you the way you love each other when you are younger.  You build the house in your head, and you just want to kiss your baby's feet and dress them up as cute as dolls. But you must have noticed that a mom worth her salt gets children on a schedule, teaches them table manners, and they get lessons in everything from art to mechanics; From gym to piaano, all before the age of three.  We had smart kids, and now we have grandchildren who are more sophisticated than our children were.  How do kids get that way?  From Moms and Dads who use every thing to teach social and motor skills.  My daughter in laws are great, for all of them will work that hard if it moves the child foreward.  No one can keep your babies like you.

    It is glamorous to be able to talk about your boyfriends, and they chose country service, the noblest path, so God Bless them and girls like you who are willing to carry the dream on more quickly.  But do I have this right?  He is doing what he needed for him to do/  How much is for you?  Are there other things you might want to be doing where other guys will be around?  You will love each other forever, because that is the way first loves are, but is this a point where you both have some time to meet other people, to think about where you want to be five years from now, or is it going to be like marriage without the chance to ever know what others might see in you?  Were I smart and young and  used to all of the companionship, I think I would be willing to say that he did not enlist for your relationship, so you are together, will always be friends, and I hope that it all last.  Just remember statistically you are emotionally brighter, so you need to be able to befriend other fellows to make certain your love just will be there all of the way.

    You are allowed to changed in four to five years, and high school will seem like long ago.  Praise God it is no longer your duty to be your parent's keepers, and they have some passion and love time to make up for when they wanted to marry and have children.  I earnestly feel that a subliminal lesson is going on here, so this is the chance to see if this space is forever filled, and within a couple of years you will remember; "That is what that woman was saying.  He signed up for some distance, and I would hate to hear it spoken that you kicked out every one who came along, when you have had the baby steps I took with some guys..  It is healthier to say that you are not planning on another boy friend, but that life throws us so many curves. Be there; Be truthful -- Let there be no big surprises.

    I have known a lot of hurt women and children, and I know Amazon will rent my book for three days, and some penny cells are part of the program.  I earnestly fill that this book may  tell you much which could be helpful.  I answer all off my messages, so if I can help  at all, then drop me a line.  I am old and stodgy, but I love to help younger people through some dismal extremes.  I did want to compliment those girls too who waited it all out and found the very same love was there start to finish.  My you be blessed if this is a miracle unfolding, and I do pray for all of the soldiers.  God Bless, Barb -"Pinkhoneyxuckle- Novel,

    My mother's number one goal was to have me declared insane, for then she would not be left alone the three youngest kids I got ready for school day in and day out, and the Dr. told her that I let man toucha

  • ELLEfitzpatrick@xanga

    My husband is linguist in the navy.  We've been long distance for about a year now.  I've dated guys in the military before and it really is nothing like dating a linguist.  You don't have to worry about them so much which is nice.  The benefits are really great too.  

    If you love him enough then you'll stay.  Also, if you do stay, try and have him go for a language that will put him in a good place when he is done with training.  
    Dating a linguist is A LOT different then dating a guy in infantry or something along those lines.  Message me if you want to talk. 
  • xxeverliaxx@xanga

    @lonelystrangergirl@xanga - @xxeverliaxx@xanga - We can't get married. I'm sixteen.
  • Rigaboo@xanga

    okay like honestly, get over it. i live in an area where just about everyone is in the military so maybe i'm a little biased, but this isn't a big deal and you need to support him/his decisions. the end.
  • momblycat@xanga

    My hubs just retired out of the Army in August. We've been together for five years and it hasnt always been easy. YOU have to make a decision. Are you going to let your fear and saddness get in the way of the love you have for him or are you going to put your big girl panties on and be the woman he needs you to be? Being a military S/O is hard but its worth it if you love your man. Things have been tough between the hubs and I as far as the military goes. He's deployed twice,been a platoon sgt and worked more hours in a week then he was home and had more field training exercises then I can count. Along the way we had two kids and our love grew stronger. Never once have I regretted the decision to stand by him because I know deep in my heart no one will ever make me happier then he does. This life isnt easy. There will be alot of BS that YOU and HE doesnt agree with as it comes down the chain of command but you have to just get over it and be his support. You have to be there for him if you love him. If you dont think you can support him 100% then dont bother trying to continue because that right there will destroy your relationship. You and only you can decide whats best, none of us can give you the answer youre looking for. There will be a TON of saddess and a ton of lonliness BUT when he holds you and tells you your his world and hes in that uniform that you grow so proud of seeing him in and proud of him for putting on every day, EVERY bit of the saddness and lonliness disipates for a few minutes. Ive never been more proud of someone in my life then I am of my hubs for the work hes done in the military.
  • lonelystrangergirl@xanga

    lucky you--- it takes about a year to get into the af nowadays and Te linguist tech school alone takes up to 64 weeks. You've got plenty of time to age and make a decision.
  • Endrath@xanga

    I couldn't do it.  Best of luck to you if you decide to go through with it.

    My other personal issue would be with dropping out of college.  I've heard a bevy of reasons for this, but the ones that sound like "I'm dropping out because it is too easy" or "College isn't really giving me what I want" tend to come from people who are 1) lazy, or 2) very short-sighted.  Of course, I don't know enough about your boyfriend to judge him as being one of those two things, but the benefits of a sheepskin keep coming back 10, 20, 40 years later... as does the pain of lacking one.

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