This post was submitted by R.
My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years now and have been through a lot.
Recently, we've been fighting almost every week. And every week, he contemplates breaking up with me. Two weeks ago, he said he wanted to break up and I finally gave him up no matter how much it hurt. As I walked in the door, five minutes later, he rang the doorbell and we talked some more. I can't shake the feeling of how much my heart shattered that night and don't know if it's healed even though I took him back. It was the ONE time I let him go, and it was HIS choice to come back.
Why does this happen so often? He's a very social guy whereas I'm a more reserved kind of person. He says that he loved who I was two years ago (freshman in college) and I've changed. But as did he. We've been together our whole college career and he says he's in a "trapped" position where he wants to experience and meet new people, but he doesn't want to lose me. I say this, because I know if we do break up, I won't be able to face him for a good while. He has become my best friend and someone close to my heart.
Recently, he complained saying I didn't allow him to meet new people. I'm naturally a very giving person. So, I let him. He goes out and meets whoever, I trust him. And yet, just today, he texts me saying that he has a burden on his heart. Later in the afternoon, we talk. He says he feels like he can't meet other people because of me. It makes him feel like he's cheating on me. He describes it as a feeling of excitement he gets in meeting new people, which he doesn't get with me anymore.
To me, the choice seems so obvious: I was fine letting him go meet girls or whatever. But after hearing all this, I don't know if I can handle him thinking about breaking up with me this week or the next.
I have always fought for him, but I'm getting tired. I love him dearly, but I don't know how much my heart can handle. He has initiated every "break-up" fight in the past two years. I can't even count how many times. I want to think that the phrase, "You don't know what you have till it's gone" will apply if I do choose to end it, but I don't know if I can handle letting him go.
Right now, we are still together, but there's a lot of tension between us. It's because he's not a very emotional person (that's a different story), and I make him so frustrated, sad, angry, happy, etc.
Any suggestions on my predicament to start off the right foot? Or should I just take the fall and break it off when I don't want it to?
Much needed help,
Thanks.
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Comments (22)
You shouldn't have to worry what kind of mood your boyfriend will be in every day. You shouldn't be in constant fear of him breaking up with you again. I've been there and it's miserable. Dump him. You'll be surprised how much happier you are when you don't have that burden. Wait for the guy who knows every single day that he wants to be with you.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really rough. I can't imagine constantly being on edge, worrying if I'll be broken up with or not. That seems really unfair to you, and I can see why you contemplate breaking up with him; it would take a lot of anxiety away.
You have to tell him to man up and make a decision. He needs to either step away and explore what he needs to on his own, or decide to fully put himself back into making your relationship work. It can't keep going both ways. It's too exhausting. If he continues to be wishy-washy I would suggest you leave.I hope it works out for you, take care.
I kind of went through this with my high school boyfriend of 3 years. We broke up because we were going to different colleges.
I think the question is this: Is he willing to lose you forever so he could possibly date other girls? I'm assuming that you're not being controlling and preventing him from being platonic with other girls.
He needs to think about that because it's not fair jerking you around from week to week. Does his desire to meet new girls, seek out new relationships override his love for you? If he is going to be unhappy in the relationship because of this desire, you two might as well break up. No point in being unhappy forever. He needs to figure himself out, and fast.
Also, make SURE that he knows that if he breaks up with you, you two are never going to be together again. This ensures that he makes a better decision than if he were to break up with you but then rely on you as a fall back if he realizes that he doesn't like other girls as much as he liked you.
I agree with the second comment. He needs to decide now. It's wrong of him to do this to you. YOU also need to decide what you want for yourself.
It sounds like he is playing with you.. Break up with him, take some time to heal, and then let yourself find real love in a good man who is not going to treat you like dirt.
Why would you want to be with this schmuck anyway?? It doesn't sound like he respects you at all.
I've dealt with this same problem with my ex-boyfriend of three years. We had a lot of arguments throughout most of our relationship and he would always tell me that he wanted to break-up. For three years, I tried to not give up, and worked hard to make him happy. Eventually, I got fed up, and when he told me that that we should just break-up, I simply said yes without hesitation. Best. Decision. Ever.
I wouldn't try to keep someone who doesn't want to be there. Like Monica on friends said to Richard when he said whatever it takes to be with her he'll have her kids, she replies, "I don't want to have kids with someone who doesn't want kids but will just to be with me." The same concept can be applied here. There's that age old saying: never make someone a priority who only makes you an option. Ask yourself do you want to be with someone who is going around the block and back before he realizes it's what he had all along? Do you want that kind of person?
@reesa14@xanga - What she said.
he was likely waiting for the day that you'll get fed up and agree to break up with him for good, so that he can have that fling with the girl that he's been desiring. so he probably jumped at the chance to have the fling without it being considered cheating since you broke up momentarily, then he went back to you because he's greedy and is itching to experience the best of both worlds. is he one of those guys, who wants to do all of those sorority dorm chicks next door because he feels that he's missing out on the fratboy meets girls gone wild experience. then he becomes a babydaddy and ends up on maury because she wants to find who out of a dozen possible guys might be the daddy because she was drunk each and every time that she had sex. maybe he should get that out of his system and be single. don't let him use you and don't be his rebound. he likely threatens to breakup because he knows that you don't have the heart to let him go, so he's taking advantage of your more serious feelings for him. he seems like a flimsy jerk.
If he thinks being in a relationship with you is hindering him meeting new people even though you let him meet new people what that translates into is he wants to bang a bunch of college chicks but he still wants you to hang around as backup if that doesn't work out so well for him.
I think you need to break up with him. You shouldn't have to worry about his mood all the time, and how he's going to treat you from one day to the next. It sounds to me like he's scared of breaking up with you in case things don't work out with anyone else, but at the same time, he wants the freedom to go out and meet new people. It's not fair on you if he can't make a decision, so make it for him. I know you love him, but you deserve SO much more than some guy who can't even decide whether you're worth staying with after two years.
From the way it sounds.. I really think you should break it loose with him. The whole situation sounds too similar to my ex- and I, where he was constantly trying to "meet new people" and I was content with being with him and friends I already knew. I told him how I was not feeling comfortable about him meeting new female friends here and there because of his past history (that will be another story..) and so he went to meet the new people behind my back. It was a really difficult decision I had to make because we had been dating for two years already when I broke up with him, and I had all sorts of nightmares and I cried a lot after our relationship ended. But looking back, I think it was one of the most correct decisions I have made in my life.
Who cares about all these nonsensical formalities. It's a friendship, not an everlasting commitment. It's almost ridiculous that anyone would try to make it like such.
I think you guys should break up. I dated someone for 3 years who I tried to break up with at least once a month, every single month, but he would often guilt trip me, make me feel bad, make me feel special by chasing me down at work, home, college, trying to get me to stay with him. I had feelings for him, in the sense that I wanted him to be happy and well off and I cared about him, but I didn't want to be with him and unfortunately, I let myself get suckered and played every time.
If someone is trying to break up with you often, take that as a very clear sign.
If he wants to go, then let him... holding on will only make things worse and continue the downward spiral of hurt that you seem to be drowning in.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Do you think you deserve to be treated like this?
If not, then don't accept it.
Sounds like a tough situation. I'm sorry you're in such a hard position. It reminds me of that phrase, if you love something let it go and if it comes back, it's yours. Maybe (and this is just my opinion) you should let him go and he can experience whatever it is he feels he's missing out on and if he really loves you, he'll be back.
That's just one way of looking at it. You have to decide for yourself though. I think you do need to take some sort of action though. It sounds like you're in an unhealthy place emotionally being sort of tossed around. If you do want to stay, maybe come up with some sort of compromise or deal where you two can go out together and meet new people or plan double-dates? Do something to bring back excitement to the relationship.I'm a big believer in not giving up.
Good luck and I wish you the best!
When a man brings up an interest in other women- you know you've lost his respect. Don't put up with his shit.
If he feels like seeing other women while you're with him, that wouldn't be right at all. He's trying to get you to agree to let him put effort in other women instead of you.. and it should only be you! Grass isn't always greener on the other side- it's where you water it. Know what I'm saying?
i've learned that somethings just aren't meant to be even though we want them to be bc sometimes the truth hurts a lot. for me, i've always known that when my relationships are constant arguing and lots of tension, something is not right and maybe it's time to make a decision if it's right or not.
Sounds like a rollercoaster ride of a relationship when it's supposed to be a two-way street! He's hinting very obviously that he wants to break up and see other people. I'm so so so sorry to tell you that from a 3rd person's perspective, he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore and wants to experiment with other people. It's the hardest thing to deal with especially after a long relationship, but it just happens. People go in and out of your life for a reason. He's a frog and not the transformed prince you expected. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to know which one is the prince. You're supposed to find happiness in this person, yet you are crying, stressed, tense, angry, etc. Everything else that is NOT positive, happy, energetic, etc.
Can understand the changes part - as its usually the first 6 months trip for the woman and after that she thinks to have a foot in the door and everything is hunkydory - though quite honestly, life is a bit more than just that. Naive and belittling as it is communication is the key though is not the same key for everyone. For if you have love then you sort of go with that..but then, there is love and love..and gawd knows where all that goes...most folk will tell you their version and you tell them yours etc. Again, its more than one thing. If things ain't working out now then try to see what they will be in say a years time. A woman tends to go with her friends ideas and therein lies the problem as well. Hard to find a balance but time out may heal wounds..and they may not - go figure.
He's feeling stifled. Not necessarily your fault, the boy's just wanting to go spread his seed in all the other women he's constantly meeting(it is college, after all) like every bit of his biology is telling him to.
It's over, toots. Cut it off, already.