Thursday, 25 October 2012
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I Run
This post was submitted by Mary Anne.
I run.It is 2:13 p.m., June in South Texas, 106 degrees. I don’t care. I run every day at 2:15 because it is the time I have. This is the way I clear my mind.
I run because I don’t have to think. I run because for that hour or so I can feel the wind in my hair and can feel life in my veins. I run because I don’t have to put on any fronts for others. I run like a maniac because it hurts and I want to feel something, anything at all. I run because I have little to no self-worth but on this track, I am hoping to find it.
I run because I left him.
I really had no other choice but to leave. I tried and tried, God knows I tried. I am now a broken individual and not sure that there are enough pieces of me left to put together, but I’m running to try.
This is at least partly my fault- if I wasn’t so broken maybe this wouldn’t have happened. But it might have happened again, I don’t know. And so I left him. And so I run.
Our friends look sad when they see me. They don’t know what to say, and so we simply don’t speak of him at all. He hurt me the way no one else ever has. He meant everything to me, for heaven’s sakes he held my hand while my mother took her last breath. We were both 17 at the time, just kids. I was foolish to think it would end well. Or not end at all.
A friend told me that even if I asked for his new number he would never give it to me. I am glad to have that friend in my life so that I don’t have the option of getting in touch with him. I am sad that friend has feelings for me I cannot return. I don’t want to hurt him, so I run.
Sometimes when I’m on the track I think I just found the right person at the wrong time. Can I really and fairly have expected him to do everything right? Well, I sure as hell expect him to respect me more than he did. Will we get through this? Will he ever want me again?
I run because I want him back.
Maybe I’ll get tan and toned. Maybe when he comes back to town he will hear I am doing well, looking great. It would feel good for him to notice, to care. I know he cares. He calls my sister though I won’t speak to him. Not yet.
I run because I have lost everything but I am looking forward. Someday soon I will start to feel better. With nothing left to lose you have everything to gain. I run because I want to feel and love again, someday.
How do you or have you dealt with heartbreak?
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Comments (24)
I date other guys and I get on with my life. I do not allow myself to think about him.
I wank
@EpistemicDuty@xanga - The male miracle cure.
I personally, tend to also exercise and diet. Additionally, grow a beard, cut my hair short, then start drawing and writing again. Relationships often kill my creative juices.
@xDark_horizonx@xanga - Beard? Check. I started exercising and dieting a month or so ago so...check. I don't draw but I write poetry so...check. I might need a haircut soon though, even though it is relatively short now.
Creative (smiles)
Can never go wrong with heroin
I give myself time to recover.. I work on forgiving him....It isn't easy ever to give up the idea of a love ever-after. OK, I give myself 6 months... But, slowly, ever so slowly, I get out among friends again...
And find a reason to laugh again.. And a reason to love again.
Best of luck to you. Running is good for the psyche.
This was such a sad post. I hope that one day you find yourself running into the arms of someone who loves you.
I pray and I write.
The picture got my attention. She's damn sexy!
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Hilary Swank ^_^
Sounds like you are running in the right direction. Stay positive and surround yourself with positive people - I know it's cliché but time does heal most everything :)
Force myself to move on. People tell me to forgive and forget. I simply forget, not forgive. I take it as a learning experience and tell myself I'll never make the same mistake, yet I prepare myself knowing that maybe someday I'll have to go through the hurt and loss again. In my belief relationships are a process that everyone goes through to find the one we were meant to be with. It has its top of the world highs and it has its slums of purgatory lows but once you realize that life will go on whether or not you want it to, you realize you have no choice but to enjoy the time you have with those that DO love, respect, and care about you.
@EpistemicDuty@xanga - haha, trudat. there is NOTHING that makes me not give a shit about girls more than beating off.
reminds me of the Running song by No Doubt.
do people other than olympian or other competitive runners actually run such long strides like that
the evil cop in the terminator ran with long strides. he looked cool because he has liquid metal blades as hands. his cop uniform and aviator shades combined with liquid metal blade hands is so sexy
I deal with heartbreak by crying it all out. after I got the built up emotions over with, then I'll move on and likely think about a new guy.
I take break-ups one day at a time, knowing that the emotional hole in my chest will slowly disappear. There's no immediate solution for healing, but I've found that being social helps. Nothing makes the break-up more apparent than spending the time previously reserved for him by yourself.
And I always remind myself that what is now is not forever.
totally understand your idealogy behind running. I started running a ton after me and my ex broke up in august. I now run 6 miles a day no problem. It's such a stress reliever. And when I get tired and think I can't make it over that next hill, I think of my ex standing 20 feet in front of me and I push that much harder to make it there. The thought of someone watching me run makes me run faster, expecially ex boyfriends.
Perhaps not to the extent that you and your boyfriend have experienced your relationship together. But i have been heart broken before. By someone, who i admired, felt inspired from, made me feel confident and become a stronger paddler (i do dragon boat). This person happened to be my coach, and because of him, i continued with the sport. Not only that, he was successful with his career and i did better in school because i wanted to be like him.
Long story short, he expressed interest in me and i reciprocated my feelings. It got stronger and i knew he would make me into a stronger and more confident person. But then one day, he tells me that I'm not the one he's looking for, and that he doesn't see "us" being together.
my heart has been broken for a year and a half. and till this day, i am still healing. I run, I work out...and i will do what it takes to gain my self-confidence back. And i had exactly the same mentality as you "will he be more attracted to me if i lost weight and looked more fit and toned? will he begin to notice me if i also had a successful career".... perhaps this is a bad reason to push me...but I'm working harder than before. and slowly, I'm beginning to see things from a different light and I'm finally beginning to notice other people other than *him. Perhaps today he's no more than just an inspiration to me..and that's all he is. "I've taken the lemons in my life and made some lemonade out of it"
there is no magic or remedy. it takes time to heal. but i believe that day will come, where you start to fall in love for someone else.
i wish you the best of luck.
This post made me want to run again! The pain feels so good knowing that you didn't give up and went all the way!! ...but it's like 9 degrees C here..... Way too cold to run (I'll get a chest infection)
I hope one day you'll run into a new love =)
A meaningful, emotional relationship post on Datingish. I'm pleasantly surprised. I think running is a healthier way than most of dealing with your situation, and I'm sure you will heal as time goes on.
Aside from a very major and incredibly important person in my life...
...running is also how I dealt. It helps.
When I am angry/upset/hurt/sad......I run.
i feel you, i've been in your situation too. i ran too so i could clear up my mind and the only thing i would focus on was my breath so i wouldn't pass out. it kept me from thinking about him bc if i didn't occupy myself, i'd think of him and i'd cry about the break up.
Weights...as in lifting them for hours and hours on end. That's how I usually deal with pain. That, and prayer.