This post was submitted anonymously.
I have a problem. I'm no longer physically attracted to my boyfriend and lately, I've been fantasizing about other men. It's become a real problem; this has never happened before!
My boyfriend has always been slim. He was only ten pounds heavier than me when we first met... but that didn't matter. I loved sleeping with him and couldn't get enough. In the last six months however, my bf has dropped over FORTY pounds and he looks awful! Basically it all started when my boyfriend lost his job and started having anxiety attacks. He stopped eating and sleeping and would spend all his time on the computer. I'd wake up at 2AM and see him still sitting at the computer.
Soon afterwards, my boyfriend began to have attacks of paranoia. Everybody was apparently listening to us or spying on us. According to my boyfriend, all our apartment building's residents had secret recorders and were tapping our computer. He would encase my cell phone in tin foil and yell at the neighbors because he was sure they were listening to all our secrets.
Finally, I threatened to leave him unless he saw a psychiatrist. He did so and the doctor put my boyfriend on several anti-depressants and a mood-stabilizer. The medicine took some time before we could see any effects but after one more month, my boyfriend started to show improvement. He stopped being so paranoid. He slept more often and began to eat meals again. He was beginning to relax and even gain a bit of badly-needed weight.
Lately, he's started talking about us having sex again. We haven't done it in a long time obviously. Before the anxiety attacks I always loved sleeping with him. When my boyfriend first mentioned sex again last week however, I was surprised at how revolted I was at the idea. I literally almost vomited. He is still way too skinny, much skinnier than me, and I can't stand the idea of him touching me now. It'd be like having sex with Gollum. I can't take it.
I've been putting him off for a week but now he's starting to get curious as to why I'm so reticent about starting our sex life again. I don't want to tell him the truth because I know he's in a delicate place mentally and I don't want him to spiral down again. We're now just living on my salary so money is tight and we can't afford a counselor.
I'm at a bit of a loss. If a guy said he was no longer attracted to his girlfriend because she'd gotten fat, I'd be first in line to verbally chew his head off... but here I am saying I can't have sex with my boyfriend because he's skinny.
Does anyone have any advice?
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Comments (57)
Seriously? Break up with the guy!
He is obviously unstable and repulsive to you.
I mean, VOMIT... Really?
Why is there even a question?
Sometimes conflict is like pulling off a band-aid...
Just rip it of already and get it over with...
the longer and slower it takes, the worse it will be for the both of you.
I'm naturally small framed and skinny as a twig. my crush is also skinny but tall. skeletor love
lol
I'd find hugging someone who was skinnier than me not appealing and also hugging someone out of shape/three times bigger than me unappealing. I can't stand overly hairy guys either.
are you on the short and fat side, so that's why he was only 10lbs heavier than you when you met...
guys have often been at least 40lbs heavier than me but they were tall.
WOW, vomit? really? That's how you're going to treat your boyfriend after he's been through so much?
He doesn't deserve you
He deserves much better.
You can't MAKE yourself be attracted to someone especially if they let themselves go. I mean, he is working on himself though and it sounds like you know that and it sounds like you don't want to just bail on him. That sounds like a sucky situation. I've never been in that spot before, but maybe tell him that you guys need to work on yourselves as a couple for awhile. Maybe spending time with him and rekindling the relationship part will remind you that you are attracted to him. It sounds like there's been a lot of time focusing on his situation which isn't always an attractive thing. Sometimes you just need to spice things up again.
Blindfold yourself! This may sound funny, but it's not a bad idea. You can play it as "trying something new" or "exploring" sexual possibilities. Doing this benefits you by not having to look at you, but also you can fantasize having your body ravage by another man while having sex.
You've stuck it out with him this long cuz you love him right?! So remember why you love him and what you love about him. Let yourself be free with him! Have sex! Sheesh.
there are virgins out there who can't get any, and you're turning down an opportunity to get laid?
whatever decision you make with regard to this, i hope one day you get fat and are on the opposite side of the table.
Just kick him to the curb, take him out to dinner and a movie take a walk make amends peacefully and send him out to the masses of single women. Then you need to go get laid by some heart throb.
Boys are kinda like food I guess. You get bored of always having the same one. Don't get me wrong, I love them all as friends, but the sexual feelings always wear off after a while
Whatever you do, do it after you get him to see a doctor to talk about his anxiety and paranoia. Your relationship to him right now comes second. Get him to a doctor. Ignore the rest of the crap you are seeing on here.
Other than the loss of physical attraction, do you still love him? That's the key. If you still love him, then try to work through this.
And I don't think your reaction makes you a horrible person. Physical attraction isn't something you can just turn on and off like a light switch. And I think being honest with yourself is a step in the right direction. People get so caught up in what they should feel, and then they beat themselves up for what they do feel.
I'd say, if you do love him and he wants to go back to having sex and he's on the road to recovery, just close your eyes or use a blindfold, or go doggy style or whatever. If he's getting better, he'll probably get back to his normal weight eventually.
From what you wrote he is on his way back to normality. Give it some time. I do however suggest you give yourself a give yourself a good look and critically analyse whether you are the right person to be supporting him. Easy test, "Do you ever see yourself marrying him?", because your dealing with a marriage sized commitment in his recovery. If you hesitate to say yes to that, then send him on his way, it will be better for his long-term recovery to be around family and persons whom will be there for a lifetime.
@xDark_horizonx@xanga - I'd like to recommend this comment 100 times.
who cares of hes skinny? as long as hes not mister Chubs I would be fine. But hes mentally unstable thats not good for the long run he might get worse. break up now.
Well, it sounds to me like you just went through a pretty intense experience that left you reeling and probably feeling like you didn't really know your boyfriend as well as you thought and you probably also felt a lack of control over the situation, which is totally normal. It seems that you're associating his current skinniness with the delusional bout he just had, which is understandable. After all, if he suddenly got sick and spent all his time throwing up, which led him to be skinny, then you would probably associate his skinniness with barfing, which would absolutely be a turn off. Mental illness, which can be chronic or come in sudden attacks (like any illness) affects not only the person it hits, but also the people around the ill person. You've just been through a lot with your boyfriend, and it's very commendable that you stuck it out and stayed with him throughout all of that!! It shows that you have a lot of inner strength and that you really care about him. At this point, in order to adjust and learn to be comfortable enough with this new him--the him that's been through all these physical and mental changes--to be intimate with him, you're going to have to A) process all of your feelings about what have just been through and B) you're going to have to become reacquainted with him. After all, it was likely that his personality won you over in the first place, so if you take things slowly and get to know him again, his personality is most likely going to shine through again. Especially in women, physical intimacy problems are typically deeply tied to emotional problems.
That all being said, I recommend that you get counseling in order to process your feelings, because they are just as important as his (you ARE half of the relationship) and then I also recommend that you two get couples counseling/intimacy counseling. There's a therapy called the Masters and Johnson program that would likely be very beneficial!It takes work to fix a problem, but if both you and your boyfriend put in the work, you may just come out of this closer than ever. P.S. There are many options for counseling that you may be able to afford. Look into income-based counseling, which would charge you based on how much money you make and what you can realistically afford to pay, and also check out Christian-based counseling services, which often aimed especially at helping those who may not otherwise be able to afford or access it.If you "revolted" by him and his appearance nearly made you vomit, then you probably need to break up with him. Period. Don't be a bitch.
It sounds like your relationship with him was purely physical if you can't bring yourself to see past his appearance. Maybe you should do the boy a favor and cut him loose. Gently, though. And make sure he knows that it's all you. He's fulfilled his end of the bargain and you're still not happy.
I hope you never have a disorder, or a nervous breakdown, etc. and then have your lover leave you. not saying that you can do anything about how you feel, but perhaps what you felt was not truly love, but infatuation or just sexual attraction. ?
"It'd be like having sex with Gollum." WHOAAAA HARSH. This is your boyfriend you're talking about. Mean comments aside, just talk to him. My boyfriend told me when I was too skinny, that he was less attracted to me and preferred some curves. And he did it in a nice, sincere way....That he was worried about my weight, didn't understand why I thought I need to lose so much, looked amazing when he met me, etc. And BOOOYYY did that scare me so I gained 5 pounds.
If I was with someone as cold as you, I bet I'd stop eating too.
How would you like it if he refused to have sex with you because it made him want to throw up? Do you understand how horrible that sounds? Wow. Look, people don't stay perfect and good looking forever. If you gained/lost a lot of weight and he said that you made him want to throw up, you'd be on here bitching and saying how horrible/insensitive he was.
@Gaia - he already went to a doctor and is on medication etc. That was the point of the post. He got help but she still finds him physically "repulsive".
tell him you'd like him to get/look more healthier and just give him handjobs in the meantime lol or do it in the dark. Feed him more too.
just be honest with him. you sound like a massive cunt though.
If you're still attracted to him IN ANY WAY, then you should try to look past the physical issue; sex is so beneficial to individuals and relationships that it will probably aid his recovery. However, I don't think you can do that- you no longer see him as a man, so it would be best for both of you to go your separate ways. Yes it will be hard for him and you'll feel guilty, but it's better overall for him to be rejected once rather than to live alongside rejection constantly.
Geez. I think some of the comments are pretty harsh. You HAVE been supporting him. You HAVE been there for him. You could've left him a loong time ago when he first starting yelling at the neighbors. Kudos to you for sticking around. That said sex IS a physical act. Really, you've got to be physically attracted to your partner for that act to take place. Otherwise we'd be screwing any member of the opposite sex we got on with. I can't fault you because not only is a guy being grossly overweigt a turn off for me but so is a guy who is far skinnier than me. Thanks but I don't want to get with a bag of bones. I don't want to feel like the man in the relationship. He's got to be bigger than I am or I have zilch desire. If he is being persistent in wanting sex I think you should be honest with him. Not brutally but gently. Make it a goal he can work towards and it is good for him. It is a HEALTHY goal. And he's definitely got motivation.