Tuesday, 23 October 2012
A little background info on my relationship:
My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 2 years. We have been in a long-distance relationship for most of it. First the distance was a 2-hour drive during the school year (he went to school just a little upstate in California). However, it become a 6-hour plane ride, as I went to NYU for college. We fight often, but we are very passionate about each other and have always hoped to spend our lives together. Needless to say though, the distance makes everything so much harder and more painful.
He just went to Hawaii last weekend, for about 4 days to attend a wedding. During that trip, he met a few new relatives, such as his 16 year old cousin, Emi. This post will mainly concern my feelings regarding those two, but let me give some context first.
Recently, we haven't been talking as much. He is busy with work, I'm busy with school, and there's the time difference to consider. However, we used to always call each other, even if there's only a few minutes of break time or text each other sweet things. Less and less of that has been happening. We rarely have a few texts throughout the day now and they would be very generic ones such as, "r u at the gym?" At night, we would Skype and webcam, however, he doesn't say much anymore. We mostly end up just "sleeping together" with Skype on.
Thursday, the night before his trip to Hawaii, he told me we should spend some time together, since he would be quite busy over the weekend. I was really happy to hear this since I had been feeling neglected. Despite the few free hours we gave to each other, he spent most of it worried on other things, such as what he'll need to pack later or a video or other miscellaneous things. That wasn't exactly the quality time I thought we would have....
The next morning, we texted a bit before his flight. I sent him some cute videos of hamsters (I was at Petco) saying, "they're so cute!" or something, and he replied with:
"UR so cute.
damn, now i have no chance of joining the mile high club with the hottie next to me [on the plane].
LOL. sorry if that was too much.
I know he said sorry but that joke kinda hurts. He's made those a few times and I don't see the point in them. They don't really make me jealous, only kind of put me down. Anyways, after his first day in Hawaii, Friday, we texted a bit at night. With the recent event of things, he could tell something was off with my behavior I guess and persistently asked what was wrong.
I told him how I felt about Thursday night and his comments about other girls through text (since my roommate was sleeping). He, however, did not want to speak to me about it unless I also used Skype. So he told me we'd talk another time. That kind of hurt me because he tried so hard to get me to talk, and after I did, he ignores it? We slowly started arguing from there.
The argument escalated to completely unrelated things. We said some really cruel things to each other (name calling and swearing included). That is actually a new aspect of our relationship, name-calling and swearing at each other. It's awful and I think it really shows the deterioration of our relationship.
We made up the next day (Saturday). I felt extremely guilty about the cruel things I said, so I wrote him a heart felt email, basically telling him that I want to treat him better and how I hoped to do that.
I missed him terribly through the rest of the weekend. He would text me once in the middle of the night to tell me how busy he is and will be. Although I was still hurt from our fight and the fact he doesn't feel the need to apologize to me about anything, I did my best to bear with it. He returned on Tuesday and told me about his weekend that night.
This is the part of the story where my problem lies:
He told me all about the "quality time" he spent with his cousin Emi. He felt that it was amazing there was this family member that he never knew existed and had a great time with her. He told me about how both their favorite color is yellow, how they have matching yellow wrist bands that he "never plans to take off" and how mature, but still innocent she is. He talked about how much he'll miss her, how he felt embarrassed when Emi told her mom that they have to meet again next year, and how he was sad to be home.
He continued on and on about this girl, his cousin that he spent a weekend in Hawaii with. He tells me about all the pictures and videos he took and other things, but he never had a moment to even text me a hello. He told me he and Emi also made a promise to wear the bracelet next time they see each other and said that she probably won't remember but hoped she would.
Throughout this talk, he never once mentioned anything to me. Not an "I miss you" or "I'm happy to see you" or anything of the sort. I am crying as I type this now.
A day later or so, when we had some time to talk, he first told me about how he doesn't think of me much at all anymore. How his feelings have kind of tapered for the first time and might need some rekindling. From all his recent behavior, of course I painfully expected this.
During this talk he realizes that his behavior with Emi in relation to ignoring me and excusing himself as "too busy," was hurtful to me. The bracelet I see him wear reminds me so much of the bond they have, the promise they made, and how I feel he chose her over me, knowing how hurt I was after our fight. I knew he was hurt from our fight, so I wanted to amend that, especially since it's been awhile since he's had a good vacation. It hurts to know that he didn't feel the need to help me.
I asked him if he could please not wear it, at least in front of me; he got incredibly defensive and brought up the gifts from my ex that I still have. We agreed months ago not to bring up our exes again because we were completely finished talking about them. But now in order to defend himself, he brings it up? I cried throughout the whole night but in the end, he said that if I couldn't accept the bracelet, we should break up.
He told me to open my heart a little. Am I really the one who is petty here? Is it unreasonable that I feel this way because she is family? Personally, I think being "family" made it easier for him to get closer with her. I don't expect them to start dating or something, but I feel that she could have been any girl. He talked about her, like how he use to talk about me, in an excited, overwhelmingly happy voice. Especially after telling me that he doesn't think about me much anyone, I feel, for the first time, "replaceable" to him.
Before he left for Hawaii, he told me how he wanted to focus on his career so that we could make our plans a reality, that if working hard now means happiness later, then that should be our focus. He told me he wanted to work hard, so we could get married young like I hoped too. After a weekend, he would break up with me. He couldn't spare me some pain from seeing a bracelet.
I don't know how ridiculous this sounds from a third person's view, but I have never been more heartbroken in my life. I haven't been eating, I can barely smile, and all I feel is physical pain in my chest and constant tears in my eyes.
I continued to cry the morning we broke up, after my 3 hours at my internship. Because I have some savings and a fall break coming up next week, I bought plane tickets home to see him. So far, we are texting a bit more normally again. He is on another weekend trip to SoCal with some other cousins currently living with him. He's been texting me videos and pictures of his trip, including me in his weekend much more than last weekend. I still see pictures of him wearing the bracelet and it breaks my heart.
So after all of this, what is your point of view about the bracelet and my feelings? Also, I don't see breaking up as an option. I am fully committed to trying to make this work, but I need a check on my sanity....
Does anyone have any tips when I see him next week? He said he would love to see me, the longer the better, but other than that he said he couldn't wait to do dirty things with me. I feel like he forgot already that I am still hurt. Do you think he thinks I accept the bracelet because I want to see him? I'm not even sure if these are the questions I want to ask. Please just give me any feedback you can after hearing this story.
This has been a long post so thank you very sincerely for reading it.