Tuesday, 23 October 2012
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A Literal and Figurative Vacation from Me?
I would sincerely appreciate some feedback on my current situation. I expect this to be a long post, but please share any responses or related experiences.A little background info on my relationship:
My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 2 years. We have been in a long-distance relationship for most of it. First the distance was a 2-hour drive during the school year (he went to school just a little upstate in California). However, it become a 6-hour plane ride, as I went to NYU for college. We fight often, but we are very passionate about each other and have always hoped to spend our lives together. Needless to say though, the distance makes everything so much harder and more painful.
He just went to Hawaii last weekend, for about 4 days to attend a wedding. During that trip, he met a few new relatives, such as his 16 year old cousin, Emi. This post will mainly concern my feelings regarding those two, but let me give some context first.
Recently, we haven't been talking as much. He is busy with work, I'm busy with school, and there's the time difference to consider. However, we used to always call each other, even if there's only a few minutes of break time or text each other sweet things. Less and less of that has been happening. We rarely have a few texts throughout the day now and they would be very generic ones such as, "r u at the gym?" At night, we would Skype and webcam, however, he doesn't say much anymore. We mostly end up just "sleeping together" with Skype on.
Thursday, the night before his trip to Hawaii, he told me we should spend some time together, since he would be quite busy over the weekend. I was really happy to hear this since I had been feeling neglected. Despite the few free hours we gave to each other, he spent most of it worried on other things, such as what he'll need to pack later or a video or other miscellaneous things. That wasn't exactly the quality time I thought we would have....
The next morning, we texted a bit before his flight. I sent him some cute videos of hamsters (I was at Petco) saying, "they're so cute!" or something, and he replied with:
"UR so cute.
damn, now i have no chance of joining the mile high club with the hottie next to me [on the plane].
LOL. sorry if that was too much.
gtg!!!"I know he said sorry but that joke kinda hurts. He's made those a few times and I don't see the point in them. They don't really make me jealous, only kind of put me down. Anyways, after his first day in Hawaii, Friday, we texted a bit at night. With the recent event of things, he could tell something was off with my behavior I guess and persistently asked what was wrong.
I told him how I felt about Thursday night and his comments about other girls through text (since my roommate was sleeping). He, however, did not want to speak to me about it unless I also used Skype. So he told me we'd talk another time. That kind of hurt me because he tried so hard to get me to talk, and after I did, he ignores it? We slowly started arguing from there.The argument escalated to completely unrelated things. We said some really cruel things to each other (name calling and swearing included). That is actually a new aspect of our relationship, name-calling and swearing at each other. It's awful and I think it really shows the deterioration of our relationship.
We made up the next day (Saturday). I felt extremely guilty about the cruel things I said, so I wrote him a heart felt email, basically telling him that I want to treat him better and how I hoped to do that.
I missed him terribly through the rest of the weekend. He would text me once in the middle of the night to tell me how busy he is and will be. Although I was still hurt from our fight and the fact he doesn't feel the need to apologize to me about anything, I did my best to bear with it. He returned on Tuesday and told me about his weekend that night.
This is the part of the story where my problem lies:
He told me all about the "quality time" he spent with his cousin Emi. He felt that it was amazing there was this family member that he never knew existed and had a great time with her. He told me about how both their favorite color is yellow, how they have matching yellow wrist bands that he "never plans to take off" and how mature, but still innocent she is. He talked about how much he'll miss her, how he felt embarrassed when Emi told her mom that they have to meet again next year, and how he was sad to be home.
He continued on and on about this girl, his cousin that he spent a weekend in Hawaii with. He tells me about all the pictures and videos he took and other things, but he never had a moment to even text me a hello. He told me he and Emi also made a promise to wear the bracelet next time they see each other and said that she probably won't remember but hoped she would.Throughout this talk, he never once mentioned anything to me. Not an "I miss you" or "I'm happy to see you" or anything of the sort. I am crying as I type this now.
A day later or so, when we had some time to talk, he first told me about how he doesn't think of me much at all anymore. How his feelings have kind of tapered for the first time and might need some rekindling. From all his recent behavior, of course I painfully expected this.
During this talk he realizes that his behavior with Emi in relation to ignoring me and excusing himself as "too busy," was hurtful to me. The bracelet I see him wear reminds me so much of the bond they have, the promise they made, and how I feel he chose her over me, knowing how hurt I was after our fight. I knew he was hurt from our fight, so I wanted to amend that, especially since it's been awhile since he's had a good vacation. It hurts to know that he didn't feel the need to help me.
I asked him if he could please not wear it, at least in front of me; he got incredibly defensive and brought up the gifts from my ex that I still have. We agreed months ago not to bring up our exes again because we were completely finished talking about them. But now in order to defend himself, he brings it up? I cried throughout the whole night but in the end, he said that if I couldn't accept the bracelet, we should break up.
He told me to open my heart a little. Am I really the one who is petty here? Is it unreasonable that I feel this way because she is family? Personally, I think being "family" made it easier for him to get closer with her. I don't expect them to start dating or something, but I feel that she could have been any girl. He talked about her, like how he use to talk about me, in an excited, overwhelmingly happy voice. Especially after telling me that he doesn't think about me much anyone, I feel, for the first time, "replaceable" to him.
Before he left for Hawaii, he told me how he wanted to focus on his career so that we could make our plans a reality, that if working hard now means happiness later, then that should be our focus. He told me he wanted to work hard, so we could get married young like I hoped too. After a weekend, he would break up with me. He couldn't spare me some pain from seeing a bracelet.
I don't know how ridiculous this sounds from a third person's view, but I have never been more heartbroken in my life. I haven't been eating, I can barely smile, and all I feel is physical pain in my chest and constant tears in my eyes.I continued to cry the morning we broke up, after my 3 hours at my internship. Because I have some savings and a fall break coming up next week, I bought plane tickets home to see him. So far, we are texting a bit more normally again. He is on another weekend trip to SoCal with some other cousins currently living with him. He's been texting me videos and pictures of his trip, including me in his weekend much more than last weekend. I still see pictures of him wearing the bracelet and it breaks my heart.
So after all of this, what is your point of view about the bracelet and my feelings? Also, I don't see breaking up as an option. I am fully committed to trying to make this work, but I need a check on my sanity....
Does anyone have any tips when I see him next week? He said he would love to see me, the longer the better, but other than that he said he couldn't wait to do dirty things with me. I feel like he forgot already that I am still hurt. Do you think he thinks I accept the bracelet because I want to see him? I'm not even sure if these are the questions I want to ask. Please just give me any feedback you can after hearing this story.This has been a long post so thank you very sincerely for reading it.
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- From: art3mix@xanga
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Comments (22)
uh...she's his cousin. and i really want to believe that he doesn't want to fuck his cousin.
and if he does, and if you're jealous of that, then maybe you should be fucking your cousins too, i suppose.
Why would you be jealous of his relationship with his COUSIN? You are the one ruining the relationship, not him necessarily.
The girl is 16 years old AND a cousin. It seems like he just enjoyed her company. You're complaints sound a little petty. People get busy and can't text. I never remember to text anyone because I'm so busy. I would immediately break up with someone if they told me not to wear a bracelet or talk about something because I had been too busy to talk to them when this event had occurred. By all means, work on rekindling your relationship, but don't nitpick every single thing he does. You nitpicking and getting upset about his young cousin is going to make him think you're getting possessive which is not an attractive trait. Couples are allowed to take breaks in which they don't talk to each other. Not breaks like the fake break up breaks, but just time apart once in awhile.
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - actually
the point i was trying to make was that he was ignoring me purposely. I
understand why you think that way about me, but its also hard for me
because hes never behaved like that before. although we've always been
in a long distance relationship, we have always made time for each other
and wanted to put each other first.
its kinda funny to see this,
since i wrote this post like 2 weeks ago. Since then, I actually
rescheduled my flight for the beginning of november (got to get through
midterms) and we have taken a break from talking for about a week now.
Its
really nice to not be an emotional mess, but it feels sad that i know i
can be okay without that incredibly passion i had for him. I know im a
sensitive person and so is he, so we often make a big silly deal of
things. Its hard, but i understand that i have a lot of maturing to
do...
he was longing for physical intimacy due to the long distance relationship, so when he met his cousin, he was excited to hang out with a female companion and it turned out that they had a great time, so he was probably reminded of the times that he hung out with you, but couldn't due to the distance,etc. I think he has been secretly jealous/holding a grudge that you've held onto things from your ex, so he used that against you as his excuse to wear the bracelet, which is suppose to not mean anything, just like your ex isn't suppose to mean anything that you'd be able to let those things from your ex go, too...only you had a relationship with your ex and this is just his cousin that he hung out with for a short time, so that's different. anyway as much as it hurts to say, I think he's mainly eager to see you for sexual reasons and is likely keeping you around as a bootycall since he said that his feelings have faded. don't do the dirty with him if you see him during the weekend...unless you think that that would actually make your bond closer, which I don't think so, but everyone is different, and it is your relationship to decide what's best.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - haha thank you for ur thots. about items from the ex, he also has them too and we have fought way too much about them due to ...immaturity really...we agreed to put the ex stuff behind us (he has stuff, i have stuff, we have memories with each of them, whatever) but you are rite on the money about him secretly holding a grudge about my exes gifts. he told me that later that he just cant get over it. I wouldnt mind letting the items go, but there are complications with it....I'm honestly not trying to make excuses, its just it would be worse for our relationship and even he knows it.
i didnt think about if being with her reminded him of the times me and him were together. In hindsight, thats probably likely haha. thanks, it makes the memory of it lots better
easy: dump him.
Sure, you'll miss him for a few months, but you'll get over it. You need to be with someone who makes you happy.
I can see where you're coming from. While it's not a romantic bond that he and his cousin shares, they're still emotionally bonded more than you and him and that hurts. And understandably so. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He's being pretty flippant and inconsiderate with your feelings (commenting about hot chicks and ignoring you for his cousin). I don't know about your requirements for a boyfriend, but that would not fly with me lol. It seems like all that he's done and said stems from him being really lonely and horny, as is usually the case with LDR. I think you need to spill and tell him everything you've told us, your concerns, worries, etc. Set up some new boundaries, demand that he takes your feelings into considerations and enjoy the time you have together. If he still refuses to listen to you, then you should reassess your values, how you want to be treated in a relationship, the motivation for staying in an LDR, etc, and if those requirements match your current state.
it seems like breaking up with him will be the end of the world. it won't be. it sounds like you're clinging to things that aren't really there anymore. the thing with his cousin and the bracelets - it sounds like you got bitter that he could be away from you and find happiness in something else while you were alone. and i know that it can feel hurtful when you feel like you've fought so hard to stay together and emotionally close. but things often fade because people have new experiences and change. it sounds like you should avoid long-distance relationships in the future.
Its
really nice to not be an emotional mess, but it feels sad that i know i
can be okay without that incredibly passion i had for him. I know im a
sensitive person and so is he, so we often make a big silly deal of
things. Its hard, but i understand that i have a lot of maturing to
do...hangtags
First of all I am so sorry that you feel this way. It's not wrong to feel the way you feel, but your jealous feelings, imo, are a little misguided.
You love and care for him and your relationship, that much is clear. He loves and cares for his cousin, that much is clear. What isn't clear is how much he loves and cares for you. I think that is at the heart of what is hurting you. I don't think he wants to get with his cousin or anything like that and those that suggest otherwise should just be ignored. I think he found someone who reminded him of what it was like to form those new bonds at the beginning of a relationship, be it with a romanitic partner, a friend, or a family member.
I think you need to find a way to find some new hobbies that you two can do together to create those same kinds of new bonds. That may be what he is looking for. Perhaps that could also be what you are looking for?
No matter what state a relationship is in, forging new bonds together is always a positive thing to do.
Dump the little incest-bag! Sheesh! No-brainer!
Take a vacation! Talk to friends! Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Seriously, this sick douche-nozzle of a bf is no longer worth your attention.
Oh, and you might want to tell his AUNT to keep her daughter away from the perv.
I think when you see each other you really need to sit down and talk. Tell him exactly how you've felt and make it clear that him neglecting to text/Skype you as much and his lack of communication over the weekend he spent in Hawaii really upset you. He might not want to hear it and might think that you agreeing to see him means things are better, but he needs to know how you feel.
If he's not willing to listen to you, you shouldn't be together. It's not fair on you to be in a relationship where your needs aren't being met, and he can't just expect to hang out and for things to be okay. Long-distance can be really tough, and I think he just finds it hard not seeing you, and because he doesn't see you he loses that "closeness" he might need to keep a relationship happy and successful.
However, I think you're really overreacting about the bracelet. She's his cousin. I know it's hard because he's close to another girl who he saw and spent time with instead of you, but they're family. Ask him why the bracelet means so much to him that he has to wear it all the time - if you agree to stay together, maybe you could buy him something to wear that reminds him of you too. Good luck, I know it's got to be hard.
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - Don't U looking for boyfriend? I waiting your forward
He made jokes he probably thought were funny but you felt hurt by them in some way. Maybe that's just his sense of humor.
Communication seems lacking, you both are long distance, you both are busy. There's various things that seems to be piling up on you both, probably you feel it worse than him. Still you're letting everything get to you and result in negative and or destructive output.
So first family, you can't change your family but he can change his gf. If his gf became his wife, she is now family. Also, if there was someone you never met before in your family that you found you enjoyed hanging out with, wouldn't you try to spend more time with them to catch up? And in general, spending time with family can be busy enough to not text back because it would be rude in general to not give attention to those who you're with. Say you're with him on a date and texted somebody else, if it's not during a free time, wouldn't that be rude?
Next his jokes, maybe they are bad and you feel hurt by them, did you tell him? Maybe he could have done better. This can be an area he could improve on but let him know that.
Lack of communication? Long distance? Too busy? This it where an establishment of trust is key. It requires a foundation through good communication and both to have the ability to be independent. This is something you both need to work on together.
You feel hurt, you seem to have expectations for him to do something, you feel like you're putting in the effort. There's much that seems pretty destructive here, what are you doing that is constructive? Are you allowing your emotions to guide you? Assess yourself as objectively as you can and see what other perspectives you may be missing to help you with dealing your own issues.
Personally, I think you're pouring your energy into a relationship that's over. Joking that he's going to fuck some stranger on a plane isn't very funny...period. Never mind the fact that he's too creepy close to his "cousins".
You're young and nearly ready to take on the world. Find someone who makes you happy and lives close enough that you don't have to hop on a damned plane to see him. Why the hell is it always you hopping on the plane to see his sorry ass?
If he calls you or texts, I'd tell him, "I think we need to see other people." Then change your phone number and move. He's a POS. You need someone who won't drive you nuts!
What the fuck. It's just a fucking bracelet.
He probably does have a little lolita fetish for his cousin though. It's kind of hard to see someone as family when you haven't grown up being around them. I went to america for the first time and thought this guy was hot -- turned out he was my second cousin. I still think he's hot.
you're obviously on separate pages. He wants to go out and make the most of his time exploring new things, meeting new people etc and you're clingy. You're kind of a dead weight to him and it sounds like he has no time for you anyway.
You should probably just leave him to save yourself the pain and fuck a local guy (none of that long distance, virtual dick shit) as an analgesia.
....It's a bracelet.
It sounds like he's a very family-oriented guy who enjoyed spending time with a new relative and doing things independently. Does your relationship really hinge on how often he says he misses you? I think you expect far too much from him if it does.
The fact that he's been trying to veer off the subject is perhaps him trying to get you to forget that you 2 ever fought. He's forgiven you for the harsh words you said to him, so why can't you? I know it's easier said than done, and I understand 100% what you're going through because I've been through something like this too. My then-boyfriend told me to "relax", and back then, I didn't take his word for it. Now I understand what he meant. I was too tense and over-thinking things, and that's what made us grow apart and we ended up breaking up. So my advice for you is the same thing he said to me - RELAX!
And don't be jealous of his cousin - she's family. That's gross if they want to start a relationship.
Anyhow, GOOD LUCK! I think it's amazing you two have been together for 2 years in a LDR!
Have you told him your real feelings concerning the bracelet? That it's not exactly her, but the fact you feel you can be replaced? And regardless, do you realize that yourself? He has commitments tied into that bracelet, which you haven't noticed, it seems, from this post you posted. Are you willing to recognize that fact, and accept the bracelet & what it symbolizes to him? Have you thought of compromises? Think of them. Ask him what exactly the bracelet means for him, and why he doesn't want to remove it, and don't counterattack whatever he says. Simply listen. Then state why you feel threatened by it, by the fact it makes you feel replaceable. Perhaps see if he'd be willing to take it off if you would help him to remember to put it on next time he sees her? That way he can keep his commitment, and you can have your want.
No offense, but it seems a bit silly. Like I said, get to the heart of the issue with him. You said he hasn't apologized, but I keep seeing in this post where you say he has. What exactly is it he hasn't apologized about? I seem to be missing something.
In regards to whether or not to give up yet, I'd say don't. Sounds like you have a nice guy who loves you. Don't be made afraid by how close he seems to be to his new relative. Instead, try to get to know her & like her. If she's important to him, she should be important to you. And best yet, it would keep it in the family so you don't have to worry with him becoming romantically attracted to her. Sounds to me like he's just happy to have a relative whom can relate to him. Let him have that. And get to know her. Sounds like it would do you both some good. :) LOOSE the mentality of hurtness, and truly try to start getting over this, one step at a time. :) You have a good relationship with great possibility. Find compromises, and keep at it. :) Okay?
Best wishes,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. It is toxic, and you are the reason it is toxic.
You're thinking patterns are absurd and your rationalizing of the crazy or petty things you're using against him (quality time with his cousin, that silly little airplane joke) are killing everything. You are at the point of no return, really, because you are so far gone mentally. This relationship has consumed you because the second you felt him losing interest (whether that was the true case, or not) you went off the deep end. I have been in a place similar with someone, and I was not able to pull myself back together and really realize how rash I was being until I was no longer attached to the situation and able to look at it objectively, instead of with a foggy vision while I was still involved. Relationships change how you think, and you can not be yourself again until you are out of it when it starts to go sour like this.So, for the sake of both of you, retreat from the relationship.Good luck.Are you even sure they're really cousins? His comments on the plane and general treatment toward you is unacceptable. I think that neither of you is good for the other. End it.