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Dear Datingish.
I have been with this guy for over the past 7 months now. Our relationship started over just holding hands and then it grew. Before, we used to talk about our exes, and now we're just together. I love this guy and I know he loves me, but now Im just not sure anymore....
We're having some issues with each other, mostly with him. He becomes extremely moody, especially when I hang out with our friends. He always says that I'd rather hang out with them than him. Our latest fight was because of a movie he didn't wanna watch because it was a horror film. Most of our friends agreed and went off with him to see a different film. I joined the other people who wanted to watch the horror movie. He got mad at me because I didn't accompany him.
It's always been like this and we never really talked it out. He gets mad at me and I tell him to talk to me about it, but he's not willing. Whenever we talk about it he just becomes depressed and sulks. It's so pathetic. That's why I don't bring out any issues with him any longer because he just can't handle it. It's like what my friends say, "It feels like he doesn't know how to handle relationship issues." Now, it feels like things just constantly pile up.
He never makes any decisions. It feels like I'm the one who's making decisions about every single thing like where to go, when to go, what time, dates and everything else about our relationship. It feels like I'm having a relationship with myself.
One time I got depressed about a situation and I approached him about it. He didn't even comfort me! I just had to beg for it. I felt pathetic that I had to tell him to say, "everything's going to be all right," that "he's going to be there for me," and that "everything will go well." I felt really pathetic about it.
We have the same group of friends and I'm afraid that if I break up with him that It will strain our friendship with everyone else. I feel so depressed and feel guilty at the same time. I just constantly try to say to myself that I'll teach him to make decisions, teach him to comfort and state his problem to me or just vent his anger so we can talk. That's the only thing I'm holding on to right now but at the same time... I feel pathetic.
I love him so much but I'm just not sure anymore. I feel bad writing this, too.
Any advice?
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Comments (18)
So you try to talk to him about issues you have and he just ignores everything then pins it all on you? He doesn't sound like a good boyfriend to be honest.
how is it possible that i'm more sure of your feelings for this guy than you are?
let's all talk about our halloween costumes instead. i'm gonna visit a bunch of thrift shops after work to see if i can find a yellow suit a la gangnam style. if that fails, i might do katy perry or nicki minaj. what about everyone else?
You know what you should do, you just need to do it.
It's never a good idea to date within your circle of friends. Seeing as it's too late to change that...
I dated someone who reminds me of this guy. It was a constant struggle to figure out what I could do to make her not pissed off at me all the time but then I came to realize that it was only when things went the way she thought they should that she was ever satisfied. I can't say I didn't make mistakes too, but I was nearly always willing to talk about it and she would just yell and scream
which would get us nowhere since no one likes being screamed at all the
time.
Having a fight in a relationship is normal, having a fight over a movie is not. Anything that won't matter tomorrow is not worth arguing over. If you disagree over something and can't compromise, so what? Why do people always feel that because they are in a relationship means they have to do everything together? Even married people do their own thing sometimes, it's healthy to do so. If you want to see movie A and he wants to see movie B why is it an issue? You can both see the movie you want and hang out later.
I don't think you can teach someone to say the things you want them to and you certainly can't teach them to be decisive or open up to you. These issues can be worked upon but I doubt they will ever be solved. I'm going to guess this guy hasn't had many girlfriends since it sounds to me like he isn't able to handle it. Seems like he wants to have his way and will be upset if things don't work out the way he wants. This isn't something you can just forget about because it will just continue to happen and you'll never grow as individuals or as a couple if you can't work through things.
Do what you gotta do. Your true friends will still be around regardless. Boyfriends and girlfriends can come and go but good friends will be there your whole life.
You should show him this post and let him read everyone's responses.
First, let him know that you love him and that you're trying to make things work and this isn't an attack, and that in a healthy relationship it is important to be able to communicate, which he isn't doing. You can't be in a relationship if the other person isn't willing to communicate.
"He never makes any decisions. It feels like I'm the one who's making decisions about every single thing like where to go, when to go, what time, dates and everything else about our relationship."
Pause.
I can definitely sympathize with how that would make you feel.
Play.
"It feels like I'm having a relationship with myself."
Wait, wut?
You just said he never makes any decisions. How could that in any way be compared to having a relationship with yourself? You can't decisively take it upon yourself to move a relationship you make up only 50% of in any direction while simultaneously taking no responsibility for where it goes as a result of your efforts. That's like having a car with 2 steering wheels to independently control its 2 front tires and you're complaining that he's not turning unless you ask him to...
If you feel like you're having a relationship with yourself, how can it possibly be his fault?
@themillionairess@xanga -
"You can't be in a relationship if the other person isn't willing to communicate."
But you can be in a relationship if you aren't?
You both talked to each other about each other's exes. The attitude and mood he seems to show that he has certain expectations that you're supposed to know, one example you mentioned being the going to the movies and how you didn't go with him but went to see a horror movie instead. There seems to be something about the times when you both talked about each other's exes that maybe he felt you and him are on the same page, the same wavelength, that you both understand each other.
One suggestion is for you to think back to when you both talked about each other's exes, and then compare to how you see how he is now. Try to be in his exes shows and see does it make sense what him and his ex broke up? Is there anything that can be different when he was with his ex vs while he is with you? I understand this would be more homework for you to do but with the communication issue that you're having, this can be a start to understanding what's going on, as you're the only one who knows about the talks you and him had concerning your exes.
After doing this assessment, maybe you'll want to break up with him, or maybe there's a slight chance that something makes sense, and that you're able to break through and reach him and things will be better. You won't know how to best handle this unless you try to look back or some of things you and him had already talked about.
To me, I don't know if you should breakup or not because there was something that led you both to want to be in a relationship together that you hadn't mentioned. Are the things that were good about your relationship with each other and the potential that you both can bring into the relationship with each other enough to stay together? Up to you.
he's jealous that you seem to prefer hanging out with your or "our" friends than him. I hate being in the middle where the person pressures you or you feel obligated/compelled or whatever to choose sides. that has happened with my family and I know how the picking sides is like. if anyone makes me feel that way, I'd honestly resent them and gradually never want to talk to them again:D so if my guy did something like that, it is basically almost over
my first impression after reading this is that he's an immature and inconsiderate little twit. my guy is the old fashioned type of romance guy and knows just how to woo me off of my feet
I don't sense any of that in this guy you're talking about. thus why I often favor older men, not all of course, but from my experiences, they tend to not annoy me as much as younger ones.
I would get out, it's that plain and simple. No way around it, really, other than to do what you need to do. It just doesn't sound healthy. I went through that for a year and it took me equally as long to get over it later. :(
I think it is time for a split. The communication issues are pretty serious. If you care about the guy enough to want to work things out, go for it. But unless you are older than about 45, it's only been a few months and you can do better.
A real quandry, but you mentioned so many significant things about which you disagree. Only you know what is best for you.. But, it is not uncommon that people find out they are not meant for each other. It doesn't mean that either person is bad, it just means they don't mesh.
There are many more fishes in the sea..Don't stay with any guy you are not comfortable with because you hang out with the same group of friends. You must not sacrifice your happiness just because you think your friends won't like you any more if you split up.
Good luck in your decision making. I think you've already made your decision!!!
This is why you never date within your friendship group - it makes break-ups, fights and any problems you have even more awkward than they have to be. However, it's too late now. If you're not happy, end things. He sounds very immature and it sounds like he desperately needs to grow up and learn what it takes to be in a relationship. End things and move on, he's not worth it.
I was in a similar scenario. Ok. First ask him if it's ok to talk, and that you want to talk about some things that has been on your heart. Tell him about somethings that bother you, and don't say "you are not doing this and you need to do that". You can't change a man..he has to want ot change. So start with "it makes me feel like this when you don't do this". Make it about how it makes you feel when he doesn't, or does something. It's humbling and makes you vulnerable. If he wants to change..he will talk things out, but if he won't communicate than maybe it's best just to end things, because it won't be a healthy relationship. Hope this helps. :)
Well as far as the decisions go, you could tell him that the next time you do something together, absolutely everything is going to be up to him. The only thing you contribute is to tell him if a certain time doesn't work. If he says he doesn't know what to do, then nothing happens. Don't give in and make a decision... let nothing happen. If he cares to see you, he'll step up and actually make a decision if the only other option is not seeing you.
that's why you don't go all inbred and shit amongst the same group of friends.
just so you know, once you finally do break up with him, he's going to throw a bitch fit, demonise you and make your friends choose sides. I've seen it all happen before.
I see red flags here.. your discontent and he is passive aggressive and controlling.. (doesn't like you to hang out with others)
Ask him why he wasn't the one accompanying you, since you didn't want to watch the film he watched instead?
And trust me, it won't strain your friendship with mutual friends if you break up. I'm still hanging out with our mutual friends and it's been well over a year since my boyfriend and I broke up! I see him from time to time (not intentionally) and although we haven't got back to talking to terms yet, it's still all good =)
*hugs* Never let things build up. Lay it out for him. If you have to, use ultimatums, such as "I really need to feel like I'm not in this alone. Either you can straighten up and start talking about what's bothering you & start stating your mind to help me understand you and work through this together, or I will simply have to make this a relationship by myself and say by to you as your girlfriend." It may seem rude, but it may be the wake up call he needs. You know? Simply let him know where you stand and where your limits lie.
You can't force him to change. He has to want to change for any change to happen at all. So, until he starts talking about it, you're pretty much stuck where you're at as far as a relationship goes.
However, on your part, keep in mind the fact that he's sensitive. If you know something would mean a lot to him, try to speak love to him there. For example... From reading this, it seems that you know it would mean a lot to him (such as going to the movie he wanted to go to), and yet you don't meet him there. That'll kill a relationship just as quickly as what he's doing will, if not quicker. Think of it this way: if you go out with him to see a movie, be sensitive. If he expresses preference, let him decide if he has reasons for his decision (such as not wanting to see a horror film. I can't really blame him.). If you want to see the horror film, for this example, then plan to get together with stated friends later and see it, sans him. Let him know straight up that you will see his movie with him, so long as he will allow you to see the movie you'd prefer to see with friends later. Seems like a fair compromise.
Sounds like you each have areas you need to work towards improvement on, as does every couple I've ever known. :) *hugs*
Best wishes,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~