This post was submitted by JJ.
I have been dating my boyfriend for ten months. When we first met, we used to go out and hang with friends, but now he'd rather stay home all the time and play games on his PC. He has two children ages 11 and 3 and I have two sons ages 19 and 17. He just started school and he is gone from 2:30PM to 1AM... because he carpools. I am stuck with his children who are good kids for the most part but I feel like I am a live-in babysitter!
I have already raised two children by myself. The thing is, he says thank you for what I do but he never takes me out, or buys me flowers or anything. I had my own business and basically gave it up to stay home with his 3-year-old because his ex doesn't pay child support, so we can't afford daycare.
He spends money on his PC games for power-ups or whatever he does on there, but cant take me out? He doesn't even ever want to go to the beach or the park. I used to be on-the-go all the time and now day in and day out, I sit in the house. I am trapped though because I don't have a job and can't just pick up and leave.
I do love him, but this is not fun. Any suggestions?
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Comments (28)
Talk to him about it.
talk to him.
my personal rule is never rely on anyone else financially, whether it be from a significiant other, friends, family,etc, or else feeling trapped/stuck happens. my other rule is don't date guys with young children or else I'd have to babysit them at least sometimes, or a lot depending on different circumstances. if he goes to school at what seems to be full time, and you don't have a job/gave up your business, and his ex doesn't pay child support, then where do you get money for rent, bills, pc powerups, etc
is he a drug dealer on the side j/k or he works part time? how does he afford rent and taking care of the kids with a part time wage? or he milked the financial aid money and has couple thousand dollars? money savings from his kids' tax returns? speaking of tax returns, I pay a lot due to being single-well, I have a bf, but can't claim him:D I wouldn't have kids just to have tax returns benefits, not that I'm saying that he or you or anyone else does that. anyway, maybe your teens can help babysit sometimes if you guys go out on a date, unless they have school, but they can find at least one spare weekend, but if I was a parent, I wouldn't trust teens to babysit a toddler. I'd feel taken for granted, too, if I wanted more than words of affirmation to feel appreciated. in your case, it is physical gifts/gestures to feel appreciated, which is okay. tell him that.
Wow, he sounds like a loser. Poor kids..
Find a job, break up and get out of there asap!
Turn the power off in the house...that will get his attention.
Guys like to put on masks when they go out because that's the only way women like yourself will fall for them.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Holy shit, Thats fuckin hilarious.You totally beat me to the punch
Talk to him about it.hangtags
Like others have said, you need to tell him how you feel. If he puts more importance on buying the newest power ups and not on powering up his love life....ditch him and find someone you and your kids can respect.
get a job. You can leave, you can save up enough money and then take your kids and leave.
Do talk to him though. He seems like a nice guy. Don't rely on some guy for your happiness though
Talk to him! Maybe he doesn't see gifts as being an important part of a relationship. He's told you thank you and he probably thinks that's enough, but you obviously don't agree. Tell him you feel under-appreciated and that you wish he'd spend his money on you, the house and his kids, and not on the video game. BUT it's important that you still let him play his games - don't make him sacrifice that, but tell him that he does need to spend more time in the "real world".
Tell him that you don't get a break from the kids, but that he does when he's at school and that he needs to contribute his fair share when he's at home - he needs to turn off the computer and spend some time with HIS children, because not only will they resent him for abandoning them for a computer game, but he'll regret it when they're older and he realises he never spent any time with them. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, he just seems like he has his priorities mixed up and maybe he doesn't realise what he's missing.
Perhaps you should tell HIM that this is a problem.
It's quite likely with him having just started school that he's tired and just wants to sit at home in his downtime and relax. But if this is a problem for you - suggest a compromise. Plan a date night.
Express that you desire gratitude expressed in material ways and not just verbal.
Failing that - find a job you can work from home, or find a way to work part time in the mornings so you don't feel "trapped" as you say and can leave.
IMO - giving up your business for someone you've known less than ten months is generally a terrible idea.
It definitely sounds like it could be a dead end relationship depending on how long he'll be doing this 2pm-1am schooling and you being home all day. Maybe you could take your kids and his out sometime. Maybe not somewhere expensive like the movies but to a local park or something. I think you need to tell him how you feel and let him decide if his games are more important than you. I wouldn't tolerate the constant gaming especially if the young kids are his while yours are already grown and capable of doing things on their own.
You may have to give him an ultimatum. :(Good luck though. I hope it all works out and he turns his situation around to benefit you, the kids and himself :)I wouldn't have given up my personal life, especially if I had my own business to take care of someone's kids, but that's just me. Maybe that wasn't the best decision. You've already gone though raising two children of your own, now you're raising his too.
I'm sure it's hard to juggle school, a job, a relationship and children but if something is important you make the time one way or another. I don't think it's selfish to ask for your boyfriend to treat you like his girlfriend rather than a babysitter, nor to want to go have some fun. After all, if life has no joy what is the point? I have to agree with others though, dating someone with young kids never seems to work out very well.
Communication is the key in any relationship. Without that, all the
love in the world won't mean squat. This is definitely something you
need to sit down and talk about with him. Since you haven't said anything he probably thinks you're fine with the situation and has become comfortable with the way things are.
"I am trapped though because I don't have a job and can't just pick up and leave."
What kind of bad excuse is that? Of course you can! As you said, your children
have already grown up which should give you plenty of time looking for a
job and at least stop your financial dependence of him. About his
children, it would even be better for both you and him to hire a sitter
and make clear to your partner that your position is still his girlfriend and
not their live-in babysitter
Regarding your topic: You should talk to him. A relationship where you cannot talk to each other openly has not much sense.
You can pick up and leave.
First thing first, talk to him. Then find a job. If he don't change or support your decision, it's time to leave.
His children aren't your responsibility yet, anyways. You're only the girlfriend for now.
tell him to grow up or you'll leave him. the love will fade if you start to harbor feelings.
Why did you sign on for that?
@nepenthium@xanga - He does not sound like a loser. He probably goes to work and school then is tired when he gets home. OP does not have a job and his ex doesn't pay for child support. Which means someone is giving him money or he is working for it. He says thank you so he knows that she is doing it willingly and is grateful.
@immoral_sensei@xanga - That's quite a generous inference on his situation. I gathered from the information the OP writes, that he doesn't have a job (or at least a good one) because "now he'd rather stay home all the time and play games on his PC" and that he's gone from 2:30 until 1am. He sounds like he's using her to be his babysitter while he finishes up school. I don't know about you but anyone with two children and hasn't finished up school, does not have a (good) job and invest their money on games rather than their family, automatically is a loser in my book.
I wish the OP used this as a cover pic:
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/133/313/1307884040022.jpg?1307886328.@nepenthium@xanga - She is comparing him not wanting to go out with her as opposed to playing games at home. Which also might mean that he is to tired to go out, it is also a way to destress. if he plays one of the most expensive PC games I know of it costs about ten bucks a month, you can't even fund a child in India with that little amount of money. It sounds like to me that she is not taking the initiative to help her over stressed bf relax and to do something they can both agree on.
WOAH someone who doesn't have EVERYTHING in their life in order, they must be a loser! -_- Ok so he did things in the wrong order, but he is trying to go back. Those are called non-traditional students, as a tutor in a department who serves, first generation college students, the disabled and the financially needy I see these kind of people all the time. They aren't losers, they are far from it. Losers are those who do not try and don't want to better themselves.
I degress, OP needs to have better communication.
@immoral_sensei@xanga - Being too tired to go out because he's doing 'intense' schooling hours is not an excuse. It's his own fault for not finishing school when he was suppose to and now he has to make up for it by himself, not drag his girlfriend to be his babysitter. With the information given, I assume he wasn't disable or underprivileged but probably had kids accidentally and dropped out of school to take care of them. I understand that your field of work is with these people so you need to have the sympathy for them, but given this particular situation, this guy seems like the average joe loser to me. And while going back to school is better than someone who doesn't at all (those people are called deadbeats, not losers) he shouldn't do it unless he can juggle his family, current relationship and schoolwork at the same time. And yes the OP should tell her how he feels, but in the end she's still stuck in a dead-end relationship with this loser, so she should get a job and get out.