Sunday, 21 October 2012
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Seeing an Ex with Someone Else
This post was submitted anonymously.
If you see an ex with a "friend" of yours or a completely random stranger that is outside your circle, and you hear he or she treats them way better than he or she ever treated you, does it bother you?My friend Caroline came up to me the other day and said she and her ex were possibly talking about getting back together, if not that, then at least trying to be friends. It took them 9 months to become boyfriend/girlfriend and she later learned that Dave had a girlfriend after knowing the new girl for only two months when they were broken up. This made her mad especially when it took them a long time to become a couple and yet he's already dating a new girl to the point where there is no chance of reconciliation.
How do you react when you hear of an ex with someone else? Or do you not care? If a guy has a new girl in the picture, there's no chance with me ever again. I will only give him a second chance if other personal matters are resolved not having to do with a 3rd party.
Similarly to my friend, I had an ex who was only officially with me for a month, then unofficial for another 6 to 7 months before we finally drifted for good. I learned that my ex asked his 2nd girlfriend ever after me to marry him after only being together officially for three months. There were other reasons why I couldn't find myself compatible with my ex so I wasn't really bent out of shape learning that.
He even quit his gaming addiction to spend more time with the new girl. If he would have proposed to me after only dating me for three months I would have said no anyway.Sometimes I wonder why some exes didn't treat me well when we were together, yet put their next girlfriend on a pedestal and thought the world of them.
Do you ever wonder the same when a relationship ends, or are you "happy" for them (yet resenting it deep down inside)? Maybe you're genuinely happy for them?
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Comments (38)
i could never be happy for an ex. haha
I generally think "oh that poor soul" (refurring to the new so) then move on, haha
I'd hurt slightly inside, but be truly happy for him as well (if the girl's nice that is)
I only feel hurt when an ex moves on if I was dumped. Ultimately (but not initially), I feel happy when an ex finds someone who makes them happy. I could never wish loneliness on a person who was in my heart for any period of time.
I personally never understood this. Even if you're a perfectly good person, not all of your relationships will work out. Why be upset or hurt that your ex found someone that it did work with? Chances are, you've been in similar situations where things work with one partner in ways that they never would have with an ex.
I just try not to think about it. No point in trying to figure something like that out.
I wouldn't care what an ex does unless I still want to get back together with him. If I have someone who treats me right currently it doesn't matter to me what a previous bad boyfriend does now. Chances are if the then-boyfriend treated me right for a while then badly, it's going to fade for the new girl, too, whether it takes a few months or years for it to happen. She'll just have to deal with it first-hand herself.
this is why i don't do the whole social circle thing--when i'm done with a girl, whether i'm the one who called it off or not, i don't ever want to see her again.
It really depends on the individual and the specifics.
One chick I broke up with has a boyfriend now and I think they make a really cute couple and I'm genuinely happy for her.
One chick that 'somewhat mutually' broke up with me had a few boyfriends after and they all seemed to have a better relationship with her than I did, but I didn't have any feelings either way about it (I attribute my indifference to a sneaking suspicion I had that she might've been a lesbian and my feelings on the whole matter could be summed up as "Hmm...").
Another that broke up with me ended up getting married, but in that situation I didn't care about her relationship with him or whether she was happy with him or not (though clearly she is/was), but I was more resentful about how our relationship was handled and was too focused on that to care how they were together.
More recently, there was a relationship (if you can even call it a relationship) that I have very mixed feelings about after she broke up with me (if you can even call it 'breaking up') and "resenting it deep down inside" would be an understatement at best seeing as I not only resent it deep down inside but pretty outwardly as well.
really though, some people may have just learned their lessons from the first relationship and applied them to the next - that's what i try to do. also, there's just compatibility. sometimes they really belong with a different person.
i feel totally weirded cause i snooped on my ex from like, 5 years ago today on facebook, and noticed he's still single. i read something like a comment he left to one of his friends that he has trouble lasting in relationships more than 3-4 weeks and how he's going to therapy and some crap. i felt weird because we dated for about 3 months way back in the day, but he was my first bf and it really messed me up cause i never knew why he did. turns out, he does that to all of his gf's. it literally was him, not me. i also had a sneaking suspicion that he might be gay, but he's very religious (another thing that could have royally messed him up.)
at the same time as i felt a little validated, i felt bad for him. he was more friend than anything anyway, so i have tried not to be bitter, i just don't really talk to him anymore.
My exes....are exes for a reason.. We did not get along.
So, I remember the good things about the relationship and try to forget the bad... and am happy for them when they find someone new.
When a couple does not like each other, it does not mean that either of them are 'bad'.. It simply means that they are not 'good' together.
Happy Hunting!!
Christy
Should you be mad at them? Heck no! You should take all the credit for turning the guy into marriage material for the next girl!
If someone is your ex then it usually means that you weren't right for eachother and it makes sense that they will meet someone who is better for them and be in love again. That hurts at the beginning of a relationship but the more you move on with your life you learn that there is also someone better out there for you. That's life. Gotta deal with it.
You can be a bad partner to one person and a great partner to someone else. If a relationship doesn't work, it normally means that the two of you weren't compatible. It's not really about treating you badly - you treat people based on what you feel about them. If I don't have strong feelings for someone, I'm not going to do as much for them as I would do for the guy I love - that's just how life works. It's not a personal thing. Yeah, it does hurt to see they've moved on, especially when you haven't and it seems they're all happy and loved up, but resenting them for being happy won't get you anywhere.
It's called a break up because it's broken, so. Yes, enjoy the good memories, but don't let an ex trouble your mind. They're an ex for a reason, 9 times out of 10, getting back together never works.
And why let them get your hopes up, because THEN you get into these resentful situations. I am naturally happy for any of my exes who are married, or are in a very good lasting relationship. (Granted, I feel like the female version of good luck chuck...but, you catch my drift.)
Point is. No point in dwelling on the past. The future is wide open.
why would you even care?
I really think that you either need to not care or be genuinely happy for the ex. Everyone is looking for that one person (if marriage is your thing) and just because you weren't the one for him/her doesn't mean you can't appreciate when he/she has found the right one. Someday you'll find the right one too so why does it even matter?
I stay friends with my ex's, so while originally when I hear they're with somebody else, it kinda gets me down, I get over it really quickly, because I am, after all, still friends with them.
And you gotta face the facts... some relationships just work better than others. And additionally, learning from previous relationships can help what you do in a future one.
And for me, just because they're with somebody else does NOT mean that it could never work again in the future with me. On the other hand, I don't dwell on the person... it's just a side thought that it could work; I don't actively pursue the idea.
Sometimes it does really hurt to see an ex having a successful relationship with another person. I've dealt with those sort of feelings for much of my life - not because I still had romantic feelings or intentions towards that person, because as others have pointed out, exes are exes for a multitude of reasons - but because I have serious issues with self-inadequacy and perfection. I take their success as a direct reflection of my lesser qualities interfering with having a healthy, successful relationship.
There have been plenty of other times, however, when I've seen someone I dated in the past happy with someone else and it does genuinely warm my heart. It's nice to see that while we weren't compatible as a couple, they did find someone who was a much better match.
Okay, can I please just give a ton of props, to whoever wrote this? This post couldn't have come at a better time, for me.
I was with my ex for three years. I lived with him for two of those years. We were incredibly close. For matters, that won't be expressed here, we didn't work out, HOWEVER, we agreed to stay friends & even had a little 'friends with benefits' deal going on, as long as we both remained unattached. Basically, all our mutual friends said we were 'together" without a label. unofficially.
For the next year & a half..we did this little dance, both of us not committing to each other, but also to no one else. My ex ended up going to a wedding a week ago Monday & meeting a new girl. A girl he is very much interested in dating, which changes everything. While, on one level I am happy for him, but on another level, I have all these emotions.
I wonder why he couldn't re-commit to me, I wonder why she's "better" then I am & yes,I worry that he will treat her better then he treated me. There were some major issues in how he chose to treat me some of the time while we were together officially. He's since changed a lot, yet never felt the need to re-commit with me, & I guess..I felt like I was okay with what we had now, since I wasn't going to "force" him to be with me, if he didn't want to. I saw him not long ago..it was emotional, because he kept texting that girl, with that goofy smile on his face..the one you get when you're talking to someone you really like - a smile..that I remember use to be geared to me.
Looking back, I should have cut ties with him a long time ago, if he didn't want to re-commit to me, a year later, after we worked our issues out.. Because whether I realized it or not, I guess I still had feelings for him on some level. Now, I am dealing with exactly what the author asked about.
In the end, I feel I am better off without him, I do wish him happiness, I will get over this, it's not the end of the world.
I try hard to be happy for an ex. I really do. I only have 2. The first one is a miserable bastard that can't even be happy about his own newer gf and life. The second one is still a really good friend and we can talk about everything except deep relationship issues. I've been lucky enough to have dated great guys. Even though things don't work out in the long run, they are good fun and we have great memories. I am definitely the jealous type though. As soon as they get a new gf after me, I get depressed and put the blame on me and where I went wrong. But maybe it's NOT you, it's THEM. My first ex has been with his current gf for "3 years". They're on and off a lot I heard. And before I met my current honey, it really bothered me that both my exes seemed to have found their perfect match AFTER me. Like the movie Good Luck Chuck. I have never told anyone because the feeling is petty and goes away pretty quick until I'm reminded of it.
Enough about me :P If a person can really maintain a friendly relationship with an ex, hurray for them. That's a good thing. But some people just can't handle it.I've let go of my first ex completely. I hope he's happy but a part of me hopes he is never happy again (he probably won't be because he became a miserable alcoholic after we split) but my second ex is still a very dear friend and I told my current bf that I was going to stay his friend no matter what (sounds terrible right?). So all in all, hate the first guy. Still friends with the second and hope he's genuinely happy one day :) Depending on the situation of the break up, I guess that would determine either bitter, resentment feelings or "go be happy" feelings for them xDI'll never have that problem because my ex lives in another state. I don't ever want to see him with anyone else but I am truly happy that he's now married and seems happy with his life.
My fiancee has told me very little about his exes but just that he didn't make them a priority as he does with me. It's taken him a while but he's learned.
"Every girl before me was a mistake and every girl after me is a downgrade." :3