Saturday, 20 October 2012
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Jaded Love?
This post was submitted anonymously.
I've been with my boyfriend for a while and he always tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Well, I normally tell him I love him too 'cause I think I love him... I want to love him. He's perfect for me.
He's the nicest guy I've ever been with, he respects me, treats me right, listens to me, puts me first, does pretty much everything a picture-perfect boyfriend should do. The problem is, I feel guilty because I can't seem to find it in me to love him like he should be loved. I know I care about him deeply and I'd be devastated if I ever lost him. However, a past breakup is ALWAYS in the back of my mind.I dated this one guy before I even met my current boyfriend and I was head over heels in love with him. I mean HEAD OVER HEELS in love. He treated me decently for a boy I wasn't even supposed to be talking to (family and friend had conflicts with him prior to us meeting). He made me feel special like no one ever did before. I think the reason I was so in love with him was because he was my best friend before we even had thoughts about being together.
He helped with past relationships, family problems, everything. We used to joke about how he was like my own personal Dr. Phil and he knew me better than I knew myself. I could go on forever about him which is sad to say. Anyway, after dating for a while, things went south. Long story short, he raped me and after doing so, he told me he loved me and acted like everything was fine.
We stopped talking for a period of time, and some other problems occurred. He told me he stopped loving me after a while, and he even started trying to get with one my really good friends. Basically, I was heartbroken after it. The first boy I ever loved and the one person I trusted completely broke me. I was terrible after it all. I stopped talking to my friends, I withdrew from the world, my family, everything.
I started doing lots of drugs and I was just completely pathetic. I was thankfully able to pull myself together after some time.I think the reason I'm having so much trouble loving my boyfriend now is because I'm jaded in a way due to that past relationship. I know if that had never happened, I would have no doubts because my current boyfriend is everything I've loved and wanted all wrapped up into one person.
Do you think I'll ever be able to love my boyfriend the way he should be & the way I know I could if this wasn't constantly weighing me down?
Do you think it would help if maybe I opened up to my boyfriend about my past heartbreak? (I haven't really told ANYONE about it). Am I really jaded or just being stupid?
Any advice would be helpful.
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Comments (16)
I think it'd be best if you both went to counseling and told your boyfriend. There are a lot of resources out there for survivors (http://www.rainn.org/ comes to mind), and I highly encourage you to use them - I really think they could help you. Also, if your boyfriend is as fantastic as you say he is, he very well may be a wonderful source of support for you in the healing process.
it could go either way; the person could become jaded and bitter OR appreciative and more loving. I appreciate my guy more after comparing with the guys in the past and I have a drive to improve myself even more
after being taken for granted, my attitude has reversed and instead of thinking that I'm not good enough for them, nowadays, I think they aren't good enough for me. so I've become an elitist, so having flings or dating random guys from dating sites is the last place that I'll be or I won't give offline guys, who are basically the same people online, the chance to take advantage of lonely, rebounding people, but they are probably also lonely/rebounding, too or whatever. become stronger and have higher expectations. don't just be with any guy just because you're lonely.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "it could go either way; the person could become jaded and bitter OR appreciative and more loving. I appreciate my guy more after comparing with the guys in the past and I have a drive to improve myself even more"
You're one of the rare ones.
that sucks :\ I hope you reported the rapist.
You do sound like you're jaded, but it's not really your fault for what happened. It's actually admirable that you had the courage to pull yourself together and asked for advice. Definitely open up to your current boyfriend about your past; it'll bond you two closer together. As for personally dealing with the baggage, I think you should seek professional help if you seriously want to recover from your past.
must try not to pre-judge someone based on your own past. Very unfair (as you know) to your new guy who is treating you right.
Talking to a therapist may help before your insecurity breaks up this very healthy relationship..
good luck, dear!
Christy
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - What she said.
I can't give you much advice whether you'd ever love your bf the way he deserves..I'm in the same position as in I've also become jaded due to the heartbreak from my previous relationship. I think we all feel that way after a major breakup from someone who meant so much to us..but I think perhaps if you talked to your bf and open up to him about what happened then it'll help your heart heal. Hopefully you'll be able to truly move on from the past..
Honesty can be really powerful in a relationship, I highly recommend it. Tell him. It will give him insight to any questions he may be having. You might love him for real someday, but if the spark isn't there, it isn't there. Even if he's "picture perfect" the spark is very very very important. :)
Oh sweetheart...I was in the SAME situation with having been raped, then told he loved me...I hadn't told anyone either.
I wound up coming clean to my mother many months after. We fought a lot before I did.
On top of which, I then hopped into another relationship. About 4 or 5 months in, summer vacation during my Junior year of highschool, I wound up telling my new boyfriend about it. We'd sat up very late, probably two or three am and I just had to. I felt like it should be known what happened, because I was being very cautious and detached.
He told me he considered breaking up with me, not because he didn't care about me, but because he didn't know how to handle the situation. He took an hour long walk around his area, before coming back and telling me he was going to be there for me. No matter what.
Our one year, he then told me he promised to make things right for me, emotionally. He wanted to prove to me things can be better than what happened then. We lasted 3.5 years, it was a good run, and it was not due to that previous incident. Our break up.
The point is, you should tell him. Sit him down and talk to him about it, let him know what's going on in your head.
Chances are...he's going to be very understanding, especially if he cares and loves you as much as you say he expresses he does.
:)
Counseling would be good too, like someone else mentioned. I never went to counseling for my incident, but. It doesn't hurt to try.
U r lucky to get someone love u more than u love him! Treasure him, put down your past n concentrate on this perfect guy : )
you should definitely tell him and try to figure something out. I'm sure he'll understand and be nothing but helpful
No...so leave him now before you break his heart even worse than you will soon anyway.
Wow. That's terrible. The fact that your "best friend" raped you and that he had the audacity to even tell you that he loved you. Gross. What an idiot. I wouldn't even consider him my best friend to begin with if I knew he was possibly capable of raping me. Gosh, gotta despise jerks like that.
But being your shoes, I guess you didn't know any better. We all didn't know that he was gonna hurt you like that. I understand that the pain he caused will never go away, but I believe that at this point, it's become a scar on your heart that will always be with you to remind you of the hurt you went through, but at the same time, it's a reminder that you got past that and you don't have to always look at it with him in the back of your mind. You should now be able to look at it as a battle wound that led to your perfect bf right now. And that if he really is the perfect bf that you say he is to you, then you would think that your bf would understand that it's the past and he's so much better than that past. (:
I went through something similar. My past relationship got a hold of me, and I pushed everyone away. My feelings for my last was stronger than my feelings for my current. But the reason why I was jaded, was because I haven't completely tore down the walls in my heart. There was a lot of fear from my past relationship that I couldn't love my current boyfreind. This is a scripture that helped me "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, becaue fear has to do with punhisment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 Maybe talking to him would be a good idea. It depends. See some guys hear that, and they get insecure..they might even compare themselves to the last boyfriend. So maybe if you do get open with your current boyfriend..choose your words wisely..don't spill the whole nitty gritty. Guard his heart. So keep it short, simple and see what he says. Maybe what he says could change your heart. I encourage you to soften your heart..let down the walls, and let yourself love him. It's you keeping yourself from loving, because you could be afraid to get hurt.
You are jaded but you're not stupid, I am also jaded. I don't believe it when men tell me that they care about me because my past bf cheated on me and never really loved me even though he would say that he did, he'd say that I was his everything, one night he said that I had stolen his heart. The same night he got with some other woman. Since then, I have been so jaded that I hurt someone who had clearly fallen for me but I was just not believing. I look back on that with regret because his actions showed that he cared but I was too blind to see at the time. I hope that one day you aren't so jaded. It's something that I'm working on too, trust issues I suppose.
You just don't want to get hurt again by showing your feelings.