Saturday, 20 October 2012
This post was submitted anonymously.
I've been with my boyfriend for a while and he always tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Well, I normally tell him I love him too 'cause I think I love him... I want to love him. He's perfect for me.
He's the nicest guy I've ever been with, he respects me, treats me right, listens to me, puts me first, does pretty much everything a picture-perfect boyfriend should do. The problem is, I feel guilty because I can't seem to find it in me to love him like he should be loved. I know I care about him deeply and I'd be devastated if I ever lost him. However, a past breakup is ALWAYS in the back of my mind.
I dated this one guy before I even met my current boyfriend and I was head over heels in love with him. I mean HEAD OVER HEELS in love. He treated me decently for a boy I wasn't even supposed to be talking to (family and friend had conflicts with him prior to us meeting). He made me feel special like no one ever did before. I think the reason I was so in love with him was because he was my best friend before we even had thoughts about being together.
He helped with past relationships, family problems, everything. We used to joke about how he was like my own personal Dr. Phil and he knew me better than I knew myself. I could go on forever about him which is sad to say. Anyway, after dating for a while, things went south. Long story short, he raped me and after doing so, he told me he loved me and acted like everything was fine.
We stopped talking for a period of time, and some other problems occurred. He told me he stopped loving me after a while, and he even started trying to get with one my really good friends. Basically, I was heartbroken after it. The first boy I ever loved and the one person I trusted completely broke me. I was terrible after it all. I stopped talking to my friends, I withdrew from the world, my family, everything.
I started doing lots of drugs and I was just completely pathetic. I was thankfully able to pull myself together after some time.
I think the reason I'm having so much trouble loving my boyfriend now is because I'm jaded in a way due to that past relationship. I know if that had never happened, I would have no doubts because my current boyfriend is everything I've loved and wanted all wrapped up into one person.
Do you think I'll ever be able to love my boyfriend the way he should be & the way I know I could if this wasn't constantly weighing me down?
Do you think it would help if maybe I opened up to my boyfriend about my past heartbreak? (I haven't really told ANYONE about it). Am I really jaded or just being stupid?
Any advice would be helpful.