This post was submitted anonymously.
My boyfriend broke up with me this weekend. We'd been together for 5 1/2 months and it was really great, but when we fought, it was really bad. We argued more often than most couples should - about three times a month on average. But we learned from each fight and things got better. We moved very quickly and the stress really started developing when we tried to discuss moving in together into a new apartment when my lease ends in December.
As volatile as it was, I love him deeply and am sad it has ended. Yesterday we exchanged all of our personal belongings, he gave me back my house keys, I gave him back the promise ring he gave me.
I don't know what to do. In the grand scheme of things 5 months isn't a long time, but I really did love him and think we could have continued to work our issues out together. Yes there are things we don't like about each other but when you love someone, shouldn't that help with compromising for each other?
The main issues that he had with me include:
1. My finances - I didn't save as much as I should have but he taught me how to.
2. My workout ethic - I do a lot of yoga and am very happy with my physique and he is as well, but the issue is that I'm not so much into running but he wants to run with me and I don't really enjoy running.
The main issues that I had with him are:
1. The way he gets angry easily - It's part of his personality.
2. The impatience he has when I am upset about something and want him to comfort me - He wants to offer solutions, not just hear me vent and sometimes that's all I need.
3. He just started a new job and is very stressed - He gets stressed out a LOT.
4. He doesn't enjoy hanging out with my mother (she's totally overbearing so I get it) but uses her as an excuse for his stress even though we only see her at dinner with my whole family once a month. After dinner, he always tells me that he actually had a really good time, so I don't buy it.
Towards the end, the fights became more frequent and less constructive.
But I still love him and he said that in a month or two we can reconnect to see how the other is doing. I want him back even though things were tough, I do love him. But I also don't know if I am saying this because we JUST broke up or if I believe we are really meant to be together.
I'm scared to be lonely and have been crying my eyes out for the last 24 hours. I just don't know what to do. In a moment of anger last night I jumped onto a dating website and am already getting responses from guys. It kills me to be lonely but the thought of getting intimate (emotionally or physically) with anyone makes me feel sad and I miss my ex even more. We had so many plans for the future. My family really liked him, he is great with my nieces and I always thought he would be there to protect me.
Please advise, I'm having a really rough time right now.
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Comments (34)
Oh dear...it pains me to see this. I went through a similar whirlwind romance earlier this year. The guy even went so far as to make plans for the future with me and now that I think back on it, there were so many red flags that I managed to subconsciously process and not really buy into his nonsense.
Here's what I learned: I was the guy's "love of his life" for about 7 months and it went too fast. Five months is an even shorter amount of time and what ends up happening is that you don't properly get to know the other person. You mentioned grievances, but I can't help thinking he's got more issues than those you listed (the guy I was seeing had way more than he let on and they started surfacing towards the end). You mentioned love is about compromise, but there are dealbreakers and you can't sacrifice every bit of yourself to become someone you're not.
I know you feel lonely. It's okay to cry. I know you probably feel like you'll never meet any other guy that's even half as amazing as this one is should it never work out. I know it's revolting to even think about getting intimate with any other guy. I really hope for you that this is just a snag and that you two took things way too fast and life's stresses caught up with you, but I want to warn you that he could be hiding more reasons, as the guy I was seeing did. He also told me we'd reconnect in a month or two and when we did I was extremely cautious, and was very reluctant to get back together with him at all. It turned out I was completely right, and patting myself on the back for being vigilant.
I suggest you use this time for yourself and try to keep yourself busy with friends (or reconnecting with them if you neglected them during this relationship), work, school, family, etc. Also reflect on all the problems you had in your relationship, how you felt. You could be dodging a big bullet here, like I did. It'll be really hard for the first week or so, but it will get better, I promise you that :)
Oh, break ups are so hard, especially after hard, fast whirlwind romances. My advice would be: 1) don't be afraid to cry it out , BUT don't let yourself wallow in your memories. Cry if you have to, but don't be afraid to go out and distract yourself. Get a new hobby, start watching a new TV show or read a new book, or go out with your friends. Distract yourself and get new interests so you're not constantly reminded of him.
2) If you have things that remind you of him (photos, gifts, mementos, souvenirs), take them all, put them in a shoebox and shove it under a pile of clothes in your closet. Don't leave them in places where you'll constantly see them and be reminded of him.
3) DON'T contact him. I know that's so hard but don't. If you have to, delete his number, delete him (or hide him) on Facebook/social networks until you feel like you can be rational, otherwise you'll just over-analyse things, get upset and fight with him even more.
Believe me, I know it's hard and I know it hurts, but just take it one day at a time and soon you'll do better and you'll look back and wonder why you're so upset. Good luck :)
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"I just don't know what to do. In a moment of anger last night I jumped onto a dating website and am already getting responses from guys."
That's generally how it goes.
Do whatever works best for you, but I can't stress this enough: DO NOT attempt to replace him or it will become a habit that you'll be able to effectively keep yourself in a lifelong denial about.
A guy you're interested in (a good one, who actually cares about your emotional well-being) will try to call you out on it and be like "You're just trying to emotionally replace your BF..." and you'll be like "NO I'M NOT!", he'll try to argue back but you'll have 50 million women on Datingish with the same problem sympathizing with you telling you to "move on" and "dump him" because the vast majority of them are detached, jaded, impatient drama queens with no stake in your relationship and 50 million men on Datingish telling you to "move on" and "dump him" because there's no denying that doing so increases their chances of getting a different piece of ass if you're out playing the field (as the dating website should have showed you) and *bam*, you replace him and the shitty vicious circle continues and you will "move on" to date all the wrong guys who will embrace your self-sabotage and not call you out on it because it's to their advantage that you remain in denial and you'll enjoy those relationships until it becomes obvious the guy really couldn't care less about you but the fact that they tell you what you want to hear keeps you going back to the same type of guys... until you're on here posting things like "Does the fact that I slept with (x) guys make me a slut?" and you'll have 50 million women on Datingish telling you "No, it doesn't" because they're in denial as well and 50 million men on Datingish telling you "No, it doesn't" because again, there's no denying that doing so increases their chances of getting a different piece of ass if you don't think you're a slut and remain in denial playing the field, and the shitty vicious circle continues...
I don't see why you doing yoga and him wanting to run should have been a big issue. Just because you are with someone and even if you live with them doesn't mean you have to do EVERYTHING together.
If you are arguing with someone that much it's probably a sign that it's not going to work. I'm not saying it can't but being in fights all the time is never a good thing and never really gets you anywhere. Some people just aren't compatible and all the love in the world won't change that.
I would suggest staying single for a little while at least, to give yourself a chance to adjust to the change. Jumping into another relationship will probably just end in disaster.
Losing someone you love is the worst feeling in the world. It does get better with time but it's not an easy thing so don't be surprised if it takes awhile to start feeling better.
Best of luck to you.
Seems like both of you need to focus on making yourselves happy, though I must say that he needs to learn how to adjust to his new stressful work environment without letting it get in the way of your relationship. For the time you have now to yourself, make yourself happy, make new friends and do the things you love. It's hard to make a relationship work when either party is broken.
"2. The impatience he has when I am upset about something and want him to comfort me - He wants to offer solutions, not just hear me vent and sometimes that's all I need."
when he offered solutions to your relationship, you didn't really want to hear him out, then later things go down hill more and you're here asking us, who have no real personal involvement to know enough details to advise. it should've been the other way around, where you asked your bf for advice when you were still together, and then vent on your personal blog later.
Rejection is never easy, but it will get better. There are some terrific internet articles on how to deal with break-ups.. Read them all. Allow yourself some time to grieve over this relationship, but move forward. Rarely do relationships work when they get back together again.. It's just harder the second or third time around.
The rejection wound is raw right now, but the wound will slowly heal.
There are some fantabulous people out there just waiting for you.
In the meantime, read what can break up a marriage or relationship...one of the best books I've ever read. It's by John Gottman. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You will learn a lot from this book. Well worth your time.
Good luck to you!
Christy
Break ups are very painful. However I think you went in too deep, too quickly. Also to clarify..love is not a feeling, but an action. The fact you guys fought so much shows how much you both didn't know how to love. It was all emotions. I actually had a similar relationship. However we didn't fight a lot till our 3rd year, and the fact that it was only 5 months and you fought so much is kinda concerning and sounds like it was a unhealthy relationship to begin with. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but look up 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and that will explainw hy I believe love is an action. I say move on and get close to God. That's what I did..I didn't care for the bible or God at all, but now I feel absolutely brand new. Yes I'm in a relationship now..it's still tough, but God helps me face my mistakes, and and have grace towards my boyfriends. I also learn to find comfort in God, who is perfect. I hope your heart heals, and know I've went through the same. You'll get through this though..:)
wait what? arguing less then 3 times a month? Heck maybe thats why so many couple are in trouble! Good, healthy FAIR fighting is normal. It helps clear the air! and then there is make up sex.. anyway NM.
As to your issues with him... #1.. Tempers are NOT part of a person's personality. If he gets angry easily he needs to grow up some and learn to control his temper.. and for #2.. Next time you just need to vent, start the conversation with "I need you to just listen to me. I know you will want to fix this, and give me advice on what to do, and i love that about you. But this time I really need you to just listen to me ok?" Men are fixers, problem solvers. So if you just need to vent, You need to make that clear to him. and finally for #3. if he gets stressed out a lot, maybe there is more going on then he is saying.
For his issues with you... Work out ethic?? Really? There is a lot more to working out then going for a run.. maybe compromise and hit the gym together instead.
Weather you get back together with him or not, my last piece of advice is this. Never settle. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are all the time. Hope you get your happily ever after =)
You have much to learn. Don't be in a relationship. Anyone that NEEDS to be in a relationship doesn't deserve to be in one. It's only when you can go without one that you are truly ready to be in a healthy relationship. imo, you are not ready for a relationship and you just need to be by yourself and grow as an individual. People in relationships get so blinded by their infatuation with that person that they lose sense of all their logic. Not all, but many young couples do because of their lack of understanding. To put it plain and simple - move on and get over it.
so many lulz
thanks for the laugh.
You live and learn. There will be more guys down the road. Just let this guy fade into your memory and remember him with a smile when you hear your song. I wish you quick healing.
My fiance called off our wedding after we had everything planned(no deposits thank god bc I insisted we had to pay for everything outright) but it was tough for a long time especially when he jumped into moving in with someone new just weeks after the split. Looking back with a clear head these are the steps I took to stay sane and really reconnect with myself, realizing I DO NOT need a man in my life to make me feel a certain way and sometimes you dont realize its not meant to be until much later.
1. make 3 lists:
a. the "good riddance" list. I listed everything about our relationship that had gone wrong, every nasty fight, the times I felt bad about myself bc of something he said, the bad times, every mini breakup, harsh words etc.
b. the short and long term goal list. I put everything from going out dancing with friends for the first time to flying out to california to hike through redwoods. I did MANY of the things I had set out to do. Donated my hair, tried pumpkin ale, reconnected with old friends, re-did my room, saw my family, hiked a lot etc.
c. the list of things that make you happy. It can be as small as how comfy your bed is, having a hot shower, your favorite food, or people in your life. Just write down anything about your life without him you are thankful for. Never take it for granted.
Then remove all of the "nice lovey" texts, emails, letters, poems and pictures. I gave my ex everything in a garbage bag so even on the days I was tempted to look at it I didnt have any of them. Its too easy when theyre gone to "glorify" the relationship and only stick with the highlight reels in your head. Remove those things that will create a barrier from moving on with your life. Concentrate on something like school or work. You lived your life before him and you can do it after.
Reconnect with old friends, go out with your girlfriends, get a haircut or hike a trail, get a mani pedi some comfy clothes or dress up and go out for dinner/a movie with family. STAY BUSY. there is no rewind button to life, you end up facing the same problems on repeat until you do something about it. Life is summed up in three words "It goes on...."
Hey girl,
Break ups are hard. You might not be able to sleep tonight or a lot of nights for some time, that's the honest truth, but things will get better. You will heal, you just have to give yourself time. Don't go seeking for him because you're lonely and sad. Don't sit and think about what he could be doing or who he is with. Don't go seeking attention because you feel deprived - you end up feeling worst, trust me. This is toxic to you. Love yourself first and good things will come. I hope you feel better.
Oh you poor thing :(
Just know this... people have gotten over breakups, it is possible. All you need is time. Accept that you'll be feeling sad, that you'll be missing him, that it'll be difficult. But know that one day this will just seem like a distant memory.Distract yourself with other things, surround yourself with friends, and try to get through this difficult time. Which you will get through. Guaranteed.Did you tell him all this when you two brokeup? Maybe send this to him in a letter form and let him know you respect his space but you don't feel right about the break up. Then leave it at that. If its meant toworkout and he wants you he will come back. Maybe it's all for the best though.
Surely your an issue you have with him is that he's a control freak, who want's to dictate what their gf does for exercise?!
Fighting within 5 months is a bad sign too isn't it? Like that's supposed to be the honey moon period. Move on get over him.Awww poor baby :( -sending internet hugs- lots of icecream and chocolate are needed!
Hey,
I hope this piece of advice helps you out.
I went through something similar if not almost identical.
Life is funny and ironic especially in the timing category. Something
that is wrong for you that is presented at the right time can cause harm and
self-destruction. Alternatively, something that is right for you but
presented at the wrong time can be just as detrimental if not worse as we have
to watch as the right thing slip from our hands even when we felt that we had a
firm grip on it and were given a taste of paradise.
I used to believe that if something was right for you then you will find the
time or room in your life for it no matter how intense or overwhelming it is
for you. Imagine trying to have Usain
Bolt achieve the record he currently holds when he was 12, we clearly now see
that he had all the potential to blossom and flourish however, it was the wrong
time and it simply would not have happen as he was not ready.
I’m not trying to throw religious connotations into here whereby stating “there’s
a plan for you” because you do have free will and you can make choices, thus,
your currently predicament may be temporary but is currently out of your
control. If you two currently love each
other as much as you say then this relationship will not be that easy to shake
no matter how long the time passes or the different people you may meet or date
(I know it’s hard to think but it’s
reality and it will happen to both of you).
If the
path that lead to your break up was simply external factors that shaped both of
your behaviours to be negative and angry, it is temporary and you may both not
be ready to fulfill and focus on a partnership.
Instead, it may have been a loud cry from your life that this is the
chance and time that you should take apart to focus yourself, re-build and
reflect.
I am not telling you any of this is easy because it will feel like hell, you
will feel like life is meaningless and you’re dead on the inside every day.
Here are some literal suggestions
a) You may seek solace in vices such as a rebound or friends (it is human
nature to eliminate our pain even if it is temporary).
b) “Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.” – Henry David Thoreau…if
you are feeling lost and failed, fear not, embrace failure and the setbacks of
life as they are the best teacher.
c) Help yourself. Ultimately if you are relying on some sort of sitcom
situation where hilarious and witty friends are going to show up at your
doorstep with a bucket of ice cream and good music, then boy are you delaying
the healing process. So go on, wallow in your bed for a while (but only for a
while), understand that you are more resilient than you think, then go out even
if you are feeling blue, don’t allow yourself to fall into a cycle of
repetitive pain and self-blame. Make new
friends, it is a learning opportunity.
Try new things (you have more time now don’t you?) and etc. etc.
My relationship that is very similar to yours took time apart where we thought
we would never be able to work things out, we took a very extended time apart,
we weren’t even in the same location, we each made new friends, went on casual
dates, tried new things…ultimately, on paper we changed and grew so much, we
were far from who we were when we broke up.
There is beauty in all of this,
growing away from the negative people that we were when we broke up gave
us a chance to re-evaluate positive and negative things objectively about each
other and after not being able to forget each other and thinking about one
another every day we finally gave it a shot with a phone call..and well we’ll
see where it goes from there. Don’t
force it.
Best of luck on your journey of self growth.
Oh, the trials and tribulations of a teenager...
Wait, you say you're not? You're all grown up? really... sounds like it...
You don't have a person to vent to and just listen, so you turn here. You really don't care about the advice given, you just want to vent. Sure, you'll skim through, perhaps respond to the ones that really stand out, make note of the finer points, but other than that, its just you, not being able to handle being happy with being yourself.
We all go through it (slash) have to deal with it.
I see myself doing the same.
But you do realize that its all in your head? every other animal just moves on with the next best decision for survival. Your not dead, you still have all your limbs, your brain, your health.
I don't care how much anyone tries to convince me, that love is a great thing, and the person they love is so special, and their entire world, makes all the dark clouds part to let the sun shine down.
Parents have the same sorta garbage to talk about their kids. but its just the brain, feeding them the same garbage they talk, so they don't shake the kids when they won't stop crying. the way so many people make excuses for such shitty behaviour and lack of respect by their other.
You were born complete. no one else in the world can make you happier than yourself.
People can compliment people, but thats about it. I hate to repeat the 'You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else' shit, but its just saying, If you love yourself, you're happy with or without.
Maybe its Your World, before you make someone else The World....
Quit being cliche... step outside the box.... use that brain
jumping on the dating site is cool, its great to get feedback from other men when your down and out, but you shouldnt be looking for comfort in the arms of another guy.
first thing try to find happiness in yourself, its always hard to do things without a significant other but try it out and keep working on it.
give yourself encouragement for the days you do things on your own, or that you dont cry. you never know he may walk right back into you life.. being a changed person
first of all, calm down, it sounds like he needs a break from you for his issues, like he needs to find out more of who he is. i'm seeing someone alot like this--he gets angry really easily and i hate it. honestly the only reason im seeing him is mainly because im lonely, but also because hes a friend and i can trust him, we both suffer depression, so we understand each other, but that doesnt mean that im happy)) Ive been telling him to see a psych for awhile, ive been seeing 1 for the first time ever b/c of my ex who i was with for 3 years and turned out to be an alcoholic/drug addict. he also doesnt like hearing me vent either, at all and i cant stand that..and we've been seeing each other since february. im still in love with my ex so im not looking and i must have bad luck, i know if i ever get married though i dont wanna do it til im in my 30s because i believe your still young til then and have to do things on your own/figure out what your going to do in life, , ex, well for me personally i dont like working or the whole philosophy of working to waste money, and yes you have to have money to live, unless you live at your grandmothers, lol
breakups are just hard, dude. so sorry you have to go through this. ive been there many a time! hope you feel better. hugs!! xoxo
It really doesn't seem like the reasons you listed are sufficient for all the fighting you guys were doing.
Maybe you should take a step back and think about things on a deeper level... for example... he doesn't care for your mother. So does your mother calling you tend to bring up your feelings of frustration with that situation and lead to you lashing out at him afterwards?
Idk - just something to think about I suppose.
Understanding that may help you decide whether or not you're actually still emotionally invested in him or just craving resolution, ect.