Tuesday, 16 October 2012
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I Cheated on Him & He Isn't Angry? Part Two
This post was submitted by Mary.
This is in response to a lot of the comments on my previous post.I understand why most of you refer to me as a "whore." That's fine. I didn't cheat to get a response or reaction out of him. I honestly have no excuse for why I did it.
1. "So you've been engaged before, have a child with a guy you've only been with for a year, and you've cheated on him a few times... go on Jeremy Kyle."
- I was with my ex-fiance for three years and the pregnancy was a surprise. My current boyfriend and I had only been together two months when I found out. The way this comment comes off just irritates me; it sounds like you are trying to say all I do is make mistakes? I could be wrong about that, but I don't. My daughter is a blessing and that's all there is to it.
2. "Your ex-fiance should be irrelevant and completely out of the picture."
- My ex-fiance is our neighbor, our friend, and our mechanic. We live in a town with a population of about 500. It's kind of hard for him to be completely out of the picture.
3. "So I'm hearing, 'He's a great guy, I SWEAR. But I want to leave him because he's too nice.' You're one of those chicks that thinks she doesn't deserve a nice guy, which is why you're going back to your ex. Let me guess; your ex is an asshole? He treats you the way you think you deserve? I don't see why everyone thinking him being a nice guy, means he's a pushover. Maybe he just doesn't portray his anger that way."
- I don't want to leave him because he is too nice. My ex has been an asshole, yes. Show me a guy that hasn't been at one time or another, including my current SO.
4. "I have a question no one seems to have addressed. Now that you are staying with a friend, where is your daughter?"
- My daughter has been with me, and my SO comes to see her every day before he goes to work.
A lot of the comments suggest counseling. I suggested that to my SO, he said no. And it also seems most of you don't think I know what I have. I do know what I have, and I know that I am very lucky. It's not that I think I don't deserve it, so I go and fuck up on purpose... I had a few momentary lapses of judgment. Show me one person that hasn't.I just thought I'd clear a few things up for those of you that were curious.
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Comments (58)
"It's not that I think I don't deserve it, so I go and fuck up on purpose... I had a few momentary lapses of judgment. Show me one person that hasn't."
*raises hand*
I've never cheated in a relationship. Don't make excuses. Own it. Say you did it because you fucking wanted to and you enjoyed it but it doesn't matter because you only want him. That's hot. Don't play the victim when you're not the victim. Take charge of the situation. Show him you care (and not only when it's to your advantage to do so) and maybe he'll do the same. Seek counseling on your own. Stay with him and work it out because you WANT to, not because you feel obligated to.
It is entirely possible to NOT cheat. I don't know what the fuck you want people to say since every response you got seems not to fit your criteria.
Maybe talk to your boyfriend? Tell him you won't feel better until he has flipped out on you. Or you'll do it again. But hey, you just might do that no matter what. People make mistakes right?
I still don't understand why you moved out. You cheat->he immediately forgives you->you don't like his reaction to your cheating (because he is TOO nice about it)-> you leave him. Do I have that right?????
If he won't go to counselling, go alone.
Wooooow, you shouldn't be in a relationship. that poor guy
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Maybe your lapses in judgement haven't been with cheating, but I'm sure it's been in other places. I've never cheated either, but I don't judge this woman any more than I would someone else who hasn't.
To the OP, I read your original post and I just think you made a mistake and need to just move the hell on. If he isn't upset you cheated on him, and he isn't even willing to go to counseling to work on the feelings you both obviously have about the situation then he isn't worth the effort you want to put into it. You aren't the only bad person here. Yes, you messed up but he isn't trying to make it better like you are now. Move. On. End of story.
I didn't post the first time around. I know if I was to comment on
something, I suggest that you proofread what you wrote, not for grammar
or typos, but that I felt pretty confused with your situation in
particular, which guy was which. Since I don't really know what happen,
it's not my place to comment.
With this post to answer back to
the comments you had received from the first post, I can see just a bit
better about your situation and but am still confused about some of the
details. None-the-less, did you ever ask him why he wasn't angry or
acting angry? If him not being angry bothers you so much, maybe it's a
good idea to ask him why. You wouldn't find the answer amongst the
commenters because we are not him. The answer you want comes from him
and not us. On top of that, It seems like because he's not angry at
you, so he probably won't be angry at you asking him why he isn't angry.
@xcrownedhopeless - "Maybe your lapses in judgement haven't been with cheating, but I'm sure it's been in other places."
Yeah, right... and if not I was probably "too nice" or some other bullshit, huh?
Instead of making excuses for cheating and attempting to cast equal blame, why not PROACTIVELY seek to improve the situation by suggesting she take equal responsibility? On that note, from what I've read, he's already done his part by forgiving her.
"Move. On. End of story."
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffff. For her, yeah. What you fail to comprehend is that there's still a(n) (relatively) innocent guy in the situation who didn't cheat and he gets fucked over whether she "moves on" and forgets about what she did or not.
@tictact0e0@xanga - I've gotta say, you always seem to come out of nowhere with a fresh perspective and really helpful comments.
@xcrownedhopeless - "You aren't the only bad person here. Yes, you messed up but he isn't trying to make it better like you are now."
Um, yes. She is. And it's not his job to fix shit. There wouldn't even be anything to fix had she just not been a cheating bitch.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Too nice? lol You don't seem like a nice guy at all. Just bitter. Very, very bitter.
@ahha - You're missing the point entirely.
"Maybe your lapses in judgement haven't been with cheating, but I'm sure it's been in other places."
"Yeah, right... and if not I was probably "too nice" or some other bullshit, huh?"
I have my reasons for being a hell of a lot more than just bitter.
I commented! Actually, I don't really have anything to say except this, which I hadn't said before: Kudos to you for actually telling your boyfriend, as opposed to letting him find out on his own. I'm wondering, and I have zero experience on the topic of relationships, if he's not mad because you did own up to it. I mean, I personally respect honesty. I don't know and can't say if I'd stay with my girlfriend (assuming I had one) if she told me, but the basic respect of honesty would still be there. Anyone else get my drift, or am I coming off as a fool? Either way, props.
You're like that woman who filed for a divorce because "he loved me too much" and "whenever I was hungry, even if it was at 2 a.m., he would get himself out of bed and make me a full meal.That ain't normal."
Stop defending yourself because you're embarrassed that people didn't back you up for cheating on a good man THREE TIMES. Own up to your mistakes and stop taking your fiance for granted.
One person will ruin the others life, in any relation, at any given, or all the, time.
The is no perfect relationship. There is probably no good relationship
You'll admit it when you realize what you can't do anymore, or what hate you try to bury, about them, what you never mention, etc. etc... Relationships pretty much mean "What I will settle for to pretend I'm happy" Remember the teenage you used to be? so powerful and determined? now you're grasping at straws... hang on, its gonne be a shitty fuckin ride...
ps, if you're life hasn't been ruined, or you don't think you've had to give up anything - You're the one ruining the other persons life... They'll never admit it, because its happiness to them... or what they're trying to pass off as...
@SuicidalKittenNuggets@xanga - No, you're not coming off as a fool. You bring up a good point.
I think the major problem here is that she keeps "retreating" in a sense. It shouldn't always be the man's responsibility to pursue and show interest and fight for a relationship especially if the woman cheats because she's leaving him with nothing to win and nothing to lose.
Like WaitingToShrug said in the first part of this post, "You are using his weakness as an excuse for your own lack of self-control and morals.". She cheated... what is he supposed to do? If he loves her and cares about her what can he do other than forgive her and ask her to not cheat again? He can't force her to remain faithful and trying to would only make the situation worse because she'll feel 'trapped' or whatever and that would just be used as yet another reason (excuse) to cheat again.
Sure, he can get angry and show some passion, but that's part of the pursuit... and that's not going to keep the relationship going for very long. There needs to be a deeper commitment there that underlies whatever transient or spur of the moment feelings may come and go over time. I can agree with popular sentiment that it's his job to impress her and to win her attention, but once a relationship is in full swing (I mean, damn... they have a daughter together) it's equally her responsibility to maintain her own interest in him for the benefit of everyone involved.
The easiest route isn't always the best one. She's the one who took a step back, she needs to take responsibility and move FORWARD with the relationship, not "move on".
Thanks for answering my question. Again, it might be that he's overlooking his anger so he can make sure that he has access to see his daughter. If you have your daughter living with you, he might think if he gets angry with you or breaks up with you, he might not be able to see his daughter as much.
Again, you need to figure out if you can commit to him or not and if not, come up with a solution so the man can continue to feel like he's taking care of his family. He seems like a good guy.
if you're aware you messed up, and he's a great guy..why don't you just come back to him and talk things out. not run from the problem. you're making it worst..on both of you and your daugther.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - thanks for your comment and rec, it's greatly appreciated
I don't care what the size of your population is. If you're going to be with your boyfriend, keep your legs closed OR go be with your ex and not your current SO. You're so selfish. Like how does that even work? Hey ex fiance/ neighbor, lets have sex. WTF? totally disregarding and disrespecting your man now. He may not have the cojones to speak up but it doesn't mean you should disrespect him as you do. So unhealthy.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I don't think this is a fair comment. I don't think she was saying that everybody cheats and has a lapse of judgement in terms of that. She's saying that everyone does things that are stupid and they end up regret them or wishing they did something different. That is something everyone does. It's called being a human being.
Don't let other peoples comments get to you its not worth it no matter how you try to explain it. As long as you know the truth and don't see yourself as what others are calling you thats whats important. The world can be a mean place. So many people in society cheat or get cheated on and then they attack others based on those experiences. If you know what caused those lapse in judgement then work on fixing them individually and as a couple, but it shouldn't be ignored or else it can lead to worse problems or the same one. I find most people drift due to certain voids in their relationship voids they may not know exist, but unconsciously search for in another. Learn what they are and address them. Just talk it out communication is underestimated. Good luck really and dont take to heart others harsh words.
I think your s.o. is speechless because he busts his ass working to take care of you and child, yet you sneak to your ex-fiance/neighbor's house to cheat on him. huge slap in the face already. how many times does he need to be bitchslapped in order to leave and find someone, who respects him>_<
You just refuse to hear the truth. You see criticism but refuse to believe it might be true and accuse everyone of getting the wrong end of the stick.
Look, you CHEATED. That's a shitty thing to do. Yes, everyone has lapses in judgement but that does not mean that everyone cheats. It's not like you had an accidental kiss - you've cheated on this guy more than once. And claiming "Oh it's a small town I have to see him" is a real bad excuse. You clearly can't be trusted around your ex-fiancé because you've cheated with him three times. Your poor boyfriend deserves so much better than you. Do him a favour and let him be in a relationship with someone who actually gives a shit.
@lilslyfox15@xanga - "I don't think this is a fair comment. I don't think she was saying that everybody cheats and has a lapse of judgement in terms of that."
Yeah, well I don't think it's a fair comment to put me in the same group as someone who cheats when I would pour my heart and soul into a relationship if it meant I could be with the person I love. I know exactly what she was saying, thanks.
My biological father cheated on my mother more than once. I absolutely hate everything about the idea of cheating. The only way I would forgive this person is if she totally and completely owned her actions without trying to downplay the gravity of what she did with no excuses or euphemisms and explained it like her ex was just a toy she decided to use because she was bored and she would never do it again because she absolutely loves the man she is currently with.
"Good excuses make great confessions."
None of this "It's human nature" bullshit. I refuse to be put on the same playing field in relationships because I have lapses of judgment in my personal life that don't deeply effect someone I love and have a responsibility to.
All i see is
"herp derp everywun makes mistakes so dun judge me"
"herp derp my ex is my neighberrh - i can't not have sex wit him"
"my current boyfie is nice and let's me be a lazy bitch but he has also been an asshole in the past derhderh brb gunna go gob on some on ex fiances dick cuz he'z a 24/7 asshol"
in all entire honesty i would like to see you kill yourself now. you're a waste of space. a shit wife/gf and obviously a shit mother from your negligence. You obviously have commitment issues, are selfish, and have enough time to be fucking around with your past spouse rather than spending time and working on your current family. You're using his weaknesses and "everywun makes mistakes" as an excuse for your actions. it's disgusting.
he doesn't any of deserve this. I don't give a shit if you have personal problems. Everyone has their own fair share of problems too, but the way you handled it (whilst selfishly hurting others on the way) makes you the weak, brittle and despicable one.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, you still should. As the one who cheated, there are underlying issues you haven't dealt with. It's not even like you only cheated once. You've cheated multiple times. So again, find a counselor and go. Eventually maybe your SO will want to join you but until then get yourself straightened out. For your sake, his sake, and your daughter's.
Some people act as though you're weird for making mistakes... you're not, and you seem to know that, so good for you for not letting their accusations get to you.
Have you talked to him about why you do/why he doesn't want to do counseling? Bottom line is, you two need to talk, and as long as the situation is uncomfortable for one of you, you probably still have more to talk about. In or out of a session, whichever seems to work. The internet doesn't and can't know your relationship like the two of you do.