My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We broke up once during that stretch and got back together after a few days. About two weeks ago, we got in a big fight and broke up. We got back together again for about a week and then I sensed she was unhappy. She told me she lost the spark. She loves being with me and loves me; she just isn't in love with me, and there are things about me that annoy her.
We agreed to take some time off but yesterday, she came over and it was kind of like we never broke up. She still says she isn't in love and doesn't want to be with me right now. She said she wants to hang out to see if things will change and if she can be happy again. She also doesn't want her friends to know we are hanging out because she doesn't want to look weak.
I really need some advice. Is this just a bump in the road? Does she just need some time away from calling me her boyfriend to realize she really does love me?
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need more details.
I broke up/got back with someone seven times back in 2003-2005. I've come to find whatever reasons you had for splitting in the first place don't disappear, especially if you are arguing often. It might be that your relationship just won't work. After nine months you should have a pretty good idea of what's going on but if you're fighting and breaking up all the time, it's not a good thing.
The whole I love you but I'm not IN love with you is an old excuse even if it's true and it's a big sign that you've reached the limits of this relationship.
Honestly, I don't think this is enough information to really give proper advice, but I do feel the fact that she depends on you to make her happy (true happiness comes from within), and keeping this relationship, whether romantic or just a friendship, a secret isn't good news in my opinion. It seems like she may not be interested in you any longer but she doesn't really know how to let you go. Wouldn't you want the world to know you are with someone you love with all your heart, and is all sorts of wonderful and awesome? Best wishes.
Don't hold onto her and prepare yourself for the possibility that you may need to let her go. I think what people fail to realize is that (true) love isn't something that always excites, that's always fiery and passionate and sparkly and magical. Once the initial flames of passion dim down, love enters a phase where it's more of a consistent and enduring force, feelings that you have for the other person deep within your soul. Someone once described it as "carrying the other person in your spirit."
From what she told you, it sounds as if she leapt headlong into the fiery emotions she was feeling 9 months ago when you first began the relationship, but wants to give up on it now that those same feelings have dimmed.
Relationships take A LOT OF WORK. And the best relationships take A LOT OF WORK. 'Relationships being easy if you're in love' is a complete myth, trust me. So I'm confused when she says that she 'loves' you but is not 'in love' with you; I'm assuming she loves you like a brother or a friend, then???
Obviously the initial sparks that kept her in this relationship have faded and she feels there's nothing to keep her going in the relationship. Now, I am NOT saying there is no hope--sometimes, one or more partners will ask for space in the relationship and eventually return to one another, reinforcing the relationship and making it stronger. However, I advise that you don't keep your hopes up too high, because this may or may not happen.
Give her space. As hard as it is, tell her to take her time and think about the relationship. BUT I completely disagree with the idea that she wants to hang out when she wants to hang out and talk to you whenever she feels like talking to you--that's just her taking you for granted, maybe even taking advantage of this situation, and even being a bit selfish. If she needs some time to rethink this relationship with you, she should take a week or two and really invest some time to think about her and you. This typically means minimal to no contact until the space or the break is over. In the meantime, you should go out with your friends, family, and meet new people/make new friends. Boost your ego while you're going through this confusing time. Ultimately, if she decides she really does want to remain together with you--great! If not, you'll be prepared for what she has to say, and eventually be able to move on to someone wonderful waiting to find a guy like you. Hopefully :)
Good luck.
lessons for the future: never take back someone who broke up with you. that's a rookie mistake. (maybe you're a rookie.) and it's clear that she doesn't want to be with you. i don't know why you'd want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. she is not going to fall back in love with you. so, it will be painful for you now, but good for you in the long run: just make it a clean break now, remove her from your phone/fb/etc so you don't have to talk to her (for some time at least), and be single for a while.
that being said, relationships are not my forte. ask me when you want advice on how to bang the girl you met on the train.
"She also doesn't want her friends to know we are hanging out because she doesn't want to look weak."
Seriously, move on unless you want to continue being in an on again off again relationship with someone who is still trying to figure things out (trying to be happy) and doesn't want anyone to know about your relationship. You can wait or you can find someone who wants the same thing you want.
aw, this post makes me sad. I hate the make up break up thing. I used to have a tried and true policy of no get-back-togethers after a break up because, hey, you broke up that first time for a reason.
I did make up break up thing once with guy for a while and obviously seeing as we can no longer speak to each other much less still together it didn't help one bit. Once, I also saw a guy for a while, stop and date around, and then eventually see him again for a while quite some time later but it was by no means a every other week on again off again type thing. Second to last person I dated was an absolute train wreck- as soon as he proposed taking a break I told him I was out. I was not going to spend time being committed but on "break" whatever the hell that is; if you're doing an exclusive thing I think you are either all in or out with no inbetween- isn't that the point of being exclusive?
In your case it sounds like a lot of "forcing it" is going on. If you need time to slow down and reclaim yourselves before picking back up again I have heard of such a thing working, but such small amounts of time like a single week are probably more stressful than helpful.
Never in my life have I thought that I left a relationship too soon later down the road, but I have realized in retrospect that I should have left some of them way sooner. You've got to decide when it would be best to put it to rest rather than dragging it out, I'm afraid :/
it seems like just a fight, just a bump in the road. if it continues to happen, maybe it's time to call it quits. i've learned in life there are things that aren't meant to be.
Sometimes that person is lonely and makes up reasons why it'll work now.
I will be totally honest and say that I have done this, and it's not good. I wanted to experience life without my then-SO, see what it was like to be single and see who/what else was out there. But, at the same time, I wanted the attention and affection I knew I would get from the SO, so I kept him around. It was someone who loved me when I couldn't find anyone else to.
To me, this sounds like the same thing. My advice is just cut her loose...don't hang out, don't talk. Clean break so she knows that you won't be the back up. And then you can move on and find someone who loves you and is also in love with you. I'm sorry but this girl just isn't it, and she's toying with you. And she won't come back for good.ok..so love..it's an action. the spark is gone, because when she got hurt she put her guard up..and put thick walls on your heart it's hard to feel the love. i know..i did this recently with my bf and i lost the spark. what needs to be done is some deep talks..about feelings and to both be vulnerable. and honestly to hide you guys are hanging out due to her friends is really sad and very un loving. if she continues to not want to work it out and really dig deep and keep her friends out of it..maybe this isn't the best relationship and you should just let it go. and to break up everytime things get's tough shows weakness in both your character to just work things out.
Don't pressure her into loving you. Just be there for her however she needs until you are past this bump in the road. There is no certainty that this strategy will make her love you, fall in love with you, or even want to be around you. But if it's meant to be, just let it happen on its own.
Good Luck
what specific things about you annoy her?
there are a few guys, whom I'm friends with as just friends, but I can't be anything more with them, because they previously said some things that annoyed me and I just can't see myself with someone, who actually believes in/says those things. they can change their opinion about things later, but it just irked me so much that I friendzoned them forever:D
Generally, there's no point in breaking up and getting back together repetitively. If you guys can't stay together and make it work, just end it and try and move on. You'll just get more and more hurt if you try and fix someone that can't be mended.
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It sounds to me like there is someone else involved... She is interested in someone else but not sure if its going to work so she is going to string you along "just in case"..
that or she still does care about you, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.. so you have to decide if you can just be friends, or if you need to tell her to sodd off for awhile while you put your heart back together.
Either way, if she says she doesn't love you then let her go. The more you drag it out, the more its going to hurt. Take some time to get over her, and find someone who loves you for who you are..
and about the annoying thing.. i have been married to my hubby for 8yrs.,. and there are things he does that drive me up the wall.. but I love him.
"Love is a battefield" is my favorite quote about love. It seems like she's taking you for granted, and maybe you're both taking each other for granted.
Putting myself in your shoes, I would simply remain friends and tell her that I don't want to go through all that drama and complication to be in the relationship. My opinion, so really you can do what you feel is right.
For her to be ashamed of going to your house and feeling that she will look "weak" in front of her friends is a dick move.
I like to honor other people's doubts by granting them definitive answers.
Here's what my responses would be.
"She told me she lost the spark."
Then I'll find someone who has it.
"She loves being with me and loves me;
she just isn't in love with me"
Cool, then I'll find someone who is.
"...and there are things about me that annoy
her."
I happen to like myself quite fine. In fact, I like myself so much that I would prefer to be with someone else who appreciates me as much as I know I deserve to be.
"She still says she isn't in love and doesn't want to be with me right now."
Okay, then. See ya.
" She said she wants to hang out to see if things will change and if she can be happy again."
I don't have time for that. Bye.
"She also doesn't want her friends to know we are hanging out because she doesn't want to look weak. "
You may not think you're weak, but I think you're a bitch.
This may sound harsh, but I am a female and I've known a lot of females throughout the years. If you have this attitude, she'll stop taking you for granted quickly. She may even spontaneously decide that you're the one and proceed to fantasize about wedding bells. Hold onto your balls and find someone who won't take you for granted once she knows she has you.
Quit wasting your time. It seems like she thinks only her feelings matter. Why are you giving her time to contemplate being with you or not? She should already know if she wants to be. It doesn't say what age you two are, but if you are young, make it easy on both of you and let her go. Forget the "friends" b.s. She needs to go on and live her life...find herself and you need to do the same. Who knows? In a few years when you are both ready for a relationship, you may find each other again. By that time, you would have matured and the relationship will be 100 times better than it used to be. If you don't cross paths again, hopefully you would have found someone else that you can be truly happy with. I'm sure after you do, you will realize you weren't really happy with the girl that's toying with you right now.
She doesn't like you, she just likes the security of being with you. Don't bother with her.
Are you both in highschool? Stop wasting our time.
Well personally I'd probably go with just hanging out for now. To me it seems that either A. you do get back together, or B. you don't, but you continue spending time with somebody you love. Some people might claim that B is too painful to be worth it, but personally I'll take the great friend, even if it means I might be a little disappointed that it didn't work out.
But maybe I just get over people well...
Sometimes you do need space to figure out what you want. Getting back together too soon after a fight may be difficult for her because she could still be really mad at you though she's trying to get over it. Aka she may start to resent you. So yeah, I would understand needing space in that sense to rekindle the love or just look at the situation more objectively and talk to friends to get some advice.
Now with her saying that she may not be IN love with you anymore.. that's bad. My boyfriend and I have had horrible fights and left each other for space for a week or two before for some breathing room (not breaking up), but we've never fallen out of love with each other. Sometimes our fights even made us stronger. It sounds like she's moved on, and maybe she feels terrible about it and has no idea how to tell you or how to end it, or she may not want to end it and is trying as hard as she can to fall back in love. I honestly don't think she'll fall back in love with you unless you put a huge block of space between the two of you and she releases how much she misses you. Or you break up and get another girlfriend and she realizes how jealous she is. But staying with someone and trying to force yourself to fall in love with them... it just aint gunna happen.
I think she might just be leading you on now. It also seems like she doesn't really know what she wants. If she's not in love with you, and she knows she isn't, then she shouldn't be acting as if you guys never broke up, it's unfair to you. If I were you, even though I know it hurts, I would just let her go. Try to find someone who makes you happy and won't do this make up/break up crap with you. :) You deserve better!!
@bloggicus_maximus@xanga - I don't think it really matters if they are in high school or not, he just wants advice. What does age have to do with that? I could see if they were only together for a week or two and this post popped up and you saying its a waste of time (because I'd agree with you) but, they've been together for nearly a year. So I don't think him asking for help is wasting our time. =\ Maybe yours, but then why did you take the time to comment?