Sunday, 14 October 2012
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The Open Relationship
I mean heck- it is even an option on the coveted Facebook relationship status the last time I checked! But have you ever seen anyone use it? I have seen it only once and it was a married couple that I knew in a situation where the husband got a job in a different state and moved away for an extended period of time while the wife stayed home with the kids. So they went "open." I was in an honest to goodness open relationship once, but it was long enough ago that Facebook was not around so we didn't have to try to figure out what to call it.In my open relationship, it was not about a lack of commitment at all. In fact, knowing that I was the emotional apple of my partner's eye made me comfortable with being in an open relationship. I did not feel threatened when he saw other women (primary one happened to be a very good friend of mine) and it seemed to help keep things exciting as time went on.
I think he was very pleased with my lack of insecurity, not that I didn't care, it's just that even if he spent time with someone else, at the end of the day, I knew he'd be coming back for me. We had a fairly short relationship, about a summer long, and I ended up leaving him for reasons that had nothing to do with our open status. He was pretty broken up about it because he claimed to be in love with me, but in the end separating was for the best. No hard feelings.Skip to some time in the future- I meet another charming fellow in my hometown while I am there on Christmas break. We have a couple romantic weeks together and when the time came for me to pack up and head back to university, we decide that we wanted to be together as a couple.
On my way out of town, I tried to give him a talk similar to the one I had once before: "It's okay if you want to see other people in the meantime, we are trying to do this long distance and I don't mind if you want to have some fun as long as you are safe and happy to spend time with me whenever I come back to visit." In this case I thought that I was doing the coolest thing that any girlfriend could do by proposing an open relationship, but he strongly objected."Why would I be with you if I wanted to get with other women? If I wanted to get with other women still, I wouldn't want to be with you!" He claimed. It made sense and I didn't mind. I was not looking to get involved with anyone simultaneously, so at that we made ourselves exclusive. Having gone either way before, I didn't have any hurt feelings or anything, and his viewpoint began to change my mind too.
Why be in a relationship with someone at all if you aren't interested in being with them and only them? Since then I feel like I have somewhat changed my mind about the way to do relationships and I haven't been in an open relationship since nor have I had anyone I dated propose that idea to me.However, my mind has changed further yet. I have realized that the line shouldn't be abruptly drawn between open vs exclusive relationships- it is really just about both partners being on the same page. In the distant future should I decide that I want to enter a relationship but keep it open and my partner is looking for the same thing, then that sounds like a match made in heaven.
Same thing for an exclusive relationship; I only want to be in an exclusive relationship if my partner wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me. It is hardly about the titles at all, just making sure you are with someone who is looking for the same thing as you are. Obviously there is a lot of gray area between dating and relationships, boyfriend/girlfriend, seeing other people casually and whatever else, so I have learned through experience that no matter what you're looking for, it's best that both people are seeking the same thing.
It's not that any of the above are bad or the wrong choice, but trouble tends to happen when two people aren't looking for the same thing and still try to force it to work. Been there done that.I have been very happily seeing a guy for several months now and we still haven't felt the need to sit down and have a State of the Union Address (as we jokingly call it) or go to a lot of trouble to mark territory. Through spending a lot of time with him and learning about one another, it was glaringly obvious that we were looking for the same thing and it has been smooth sailing the entire time.
I don't know if it has more to do with maturity or just dumb luck of finding someone that actually understands me and vice versa, but whatever the reason, I have been quite happy and I know it has a lot to do with us starting out on the same page.So, have you ever taken part in an open relationship? Have you ever been stuck in a certain type of relationship wishing that things could run a little differently? Do you have a definite restriction on the types of relationships you seek out or does it depend on timing and/or the person you're after?
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- From: blonde_vampire@xanga
- Name: Jodie...
- Location: Pensacola, Florida, United States
- About Me: I can't decide if time is linear or cyclical. I guess I'm not supposed to know. I want a sea-space-submarine.
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Comments (37)
Only talked it... agreed... but didn't really do anything. Oh YES. Not sure.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to be in an open relationship and actually agree with the guy you were seeing before.
I think it depends on the person that you are, and the person you are with; maybe not much about timing but what you are after. If you don't mind having an open relationship and neither of you is getting to the point where they want to be exclusive, then that's great, but a lot of the times it ends up not working out for whatever reason.
Not sure how I'd react if my girlfriend asked for one, I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to watch her go date other guys.
Would it bother you if the guy you're seeing now wanted to be exclusive?
No to the first question. Yes to the second. And to the third, if given the choice, I think I rather have "no labels"...and just enjoy each others' company and not worry about the pressure of "what are we?"..that is until we both are ready to put that label on. :)
No. In a way, yes. Definite.
"I can't decide if time is linear or cyclical." - Your 'About Me'
It can (usually) be either, depending on which works better at the time.
"If the Universe came to an end every time there was some uncertainty about what had happened in it, it would never have got beyond the first picosecond. And many of course don’t. It’s like a human body, you see. A few cuts and bruises here and there don’t hurt it. Not even major surgery if it’s done properly. Paradoxes are just the scar tissue. Time and space heal themselves up around them and people simply remember a version of events which makes as much sense as they require it to make."
- Douglas Adams
if it is long distance and we barely get to see each other, then I'd rather that he just become a close guy friend, who I talk to and casually hang out with whenever we happen see each other or if it is sexual, too, then we'll be friends with benefits. if it was just a summer thing that lasted about 3months, then it isn't that serious yet, so being that attached or jealous isn't as likely, which makes the short lived open relationship work in some cases. as far as long term open relationships, this is similar to the concubines that kings had back in the day or polygamy, except it isn't since the concubines are all loyal to the king and don't see other men, but he can see all of his different concubines whenever he wants...and that type of king polygamy-I could more likely live with, but I'm the Queen
since it works in MY favor
a harem of jason momoas; YESIR. in open relationships, they can agree to their own specific terms, but it would defeat the purpose of the freedom of "open" relationships if there are boundaries, so in that case, why not just enjoy the single life since it already allows you to be uncommitted or obligated to anyone. whatever works and makes them happy.
@modernthief@xanga - things with the guy I'm seeing currently are exclusive, and I'm sure I wouldn't be keen on changing that at this point. I hadn't thought about the difference between starting out with an open relationship versus switching over to one after being exclusive for a while. Seems like going open after a while of being exclusive would be somewhat of a relationship downgrade. Don't know how I'd react to an upgrade :)
@blonde_vampire@xanga - Upgrade? More like a downgrade, what would you say if he now suggested he wanted an open relationship with you?
- Sorry just re-read that, suppose you're in a good place then.
There are going to be quite a few guys on this site trrying to friend you all of a sudden. Just understand that this post is why.
But to answer the question. Live and let live.
I'm in an open poly arrangement. We're not only allowed to sleep with other people, but also to date them and form strong romantic bonds with them. I currently have two partners and am in the dating stages with a third person.
I got into the arrangement somewhat accidentally (I developed a crush on someone who was already poly a few years into a mostly-monogamous relationship), but I'm starting to prefer it. I like people and I like forming relationships, and it gives me a way to do that with several people without disrespecting anyone.
Nah I am good. If I am with someone, I am with them to be with THEM. If I can't keep my pants on/ skirt down, then I do not need to be in a relationship. I do not devote my time to someone so they can stick their dicks in whatever they want on their spare time. It's disgusting.
BUT that is my opinion. Others can do what they want. It's their lifestyle.@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - cool, interesting set up. Different set ups like yours are exactly what I wanted to get some feedback on. Thanks for sharing!
Just out of curiosity, of the people you know in the arrangement are most of them within your age range or do the ages vary somewhat widely? I am interested to know about the approximate ages at which people have their particular views on this topic
I'm too jealous of a person to truly consider it. *shrugs*
@blonde_vampire@xanga - No problem. I'm happy to answer questions. :3
Of the people I know in my constellation (and whose ages I know), we range from 20-25ish. I think the oldest polyamorous person I interact with in person on a semi-regular basis is around 40, but I talk to some older than that on various online forums, so they're out there.
I think the only open relationship I've ever taken part in is when both people are fully aware that we are not committed to one another and it's okay to date other people at the same time. If I was in an actual relationship though I don't think I could handle that. I like being selfish and having all of a person when we want to date. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship if you aren't going to actually be in one?
I'm in a half open relationship but in those situations, it's really just called cheating.
I'm bad. I know it and it's not good.
But I'd be totally okay with an actual open relationship. I'm too young.
I couldn't cope with an open relationship. I'd find it too hard to see my partner with other people in a romantic sense. However, if all people know the circumstances, I don't see the problem.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I just wanted to say that I love your comments because they are always postive and cute! They make me smile and I always look forward to reading them. :)
I enjoy having an open set up at the beginning of a relationship and/or in a short-term relationship. Until someone has specifically told me that they want to be exclusive, I'll continue to see other men and assume that they're seeing other women. That said, when I've actually formed an emotional and romantic connection with somebody, I want to be monogamous.
I can definitely see the appeal of open relationships/polyamory and being free to love and form relationships with whoever you want. Then again, it's hard enough making it work with one person, I can't imagine juggling multiples!
yea no way. my hubby is MINE.
It has nothing to do with insecurity for me.. I just refuse to share him.
No to the question 1. Been married decades, and it's safe and secure to be that emotionally and physically intimate with a partner, and not think about any other stuff, like looking for other people to sleep with. No moralizing here, but it's become a dangerous world out there. I watch too much "In Session" t.v., with many many live trials going on, and I'm just glad I'm not part of hooking up with more than one person.
Open relationships are dumb, you might as well just date around. When I decide to be with someone, I want to be with them and they better want to be with just me.
I've never been in an open relationship & really don't understand them. It was funny because some close friends of mine were thinking about going that route. They sat there and hashed out all the details & their relationship even strengthened at the mere thought of going the open relationship route. Then when the guy thought about his girlfriend going out with another dude, he couldn't bare the thought and they stopped it. lol.
In theory, it makes sense. And for other couples, if it works- that's cool. But for me? I want to be my guy's only one, and he's my only one. And as far as the details are concerned, we're committed to each other and making it work, so when issues come up and one or both of us don't like it-- we fix it.
I could only ever be in an open relationship. Exclusive relationships just would not be fulfilling to me. I just can't be sexually satisfied by a single partner. I need multiple partners in order to meet my sexual needs, and anyone I'd potentially date (not that I would ever date anyone, I'm speaking in the hypothetical here) would have to understand that I'd be fucking other people and that I wouldn't stop, and if they weren't OK with that they'd have no business dating me. That's the bottom line.
I know people in an open relationship, and both seem happy with the arrangement.
I would only want to be in an exclusive relationship. Not necessarily looking for marriage or living together, or even anything long term. But if you're with me, you're only with me.