This post was submitted by Amy.
Well there is this guy who I'm quite good friends with. We hang out often and I can tell him anything. A few days ago he asked me out, and I said I'd think about it. I do really like him, but I just don't feel that "spark."
He's everything I want in a boyfriend but for some reason, I only see him as a best friend or like a brother. I don't want to hurt his feelings because he's a sensitive guy and I don't want anything to happen to our friendship, but I don't know what to say to him so I don't hurt his feelings.
Any ideas?
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Comments (31)
I had an issue like this a few years back. The best thing you can do is explain to him that you love him as a friend, but that you just don't feel "that" way about him. It's awkward, yes, but what would hurt him more would be to have a relationship that you just don't feel.
Agreed with the first comment. I had a friend who was in love with me and asked me out. I felt weird because I cared for him only as a friend! I had to say no and he didn't talk to me for a while. Then he did talk to me again and we continued being good friends.... til he said he was still in love with me and couldn't be my friend. So beware! Good luck.
So say no that you care for him as a friend only. Be honest.Honesty is more important than sensitivity in this case. If he's hurt, he's hurt. You are not in charge of his emotional state, and unless you're trying to play it nice so you can keep him around as a fallback option, it's best if you just be clear and do what @manic_lizard@xanga said.
Projecting. You're sparing your own feelings otherwise you'd just turn him down no questions asked. Go out with him or turn him down like a heartless bitch and become one. You don't have my sympathy regardless.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
Lust starts with a spark, love with a glowing ember. If you want so badly to not hurt his feelings, you do in-fact have feelings for him. Let me guess:
"But not those feelings!"
When have "those feelings" ever led to you having a successful life-long romantic relationship? Thought so. You're acting on all the wrong feelings. Grow up. Give him (and yourself) a chance.
I hear all this hypocritical bullshit about how dating so many people and getting to know oneself and what one wants is a good thing; date him.
If the 'spark' isn't there then going out with him wouldn't help either of you; you'd probably feel more guilty and he'd get his hopes us.
I agree with the first comments; be honest with him and tell him you don't feel that way and it's not right to risk your friendship.
You need to be honest with him. It would be better if he knows how you feel than for you to lead him on.
@modernthief@xanga - By having a friendship you are risking a friendship.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - Honesty is irrelevant. If how he feels about her doesn't matter, how she feels about him doesn't matter. What we have here is a simple case of projection exacerbated by salience.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Hmm, that would mean everything is a risk then, your whole life. Some risks you should take, some you shouldn't.
@modernthief@xanga - "Hmm, that would mean everything is a risk then, your whole life."
Um... yeah. In an infinite universe, such is the case.
"Some risks you should take, some you shouldn't."
All risks are risks whether you 'take them' or not. Like you just said, everything is a risk.
the guys, who have told me their feelings, and we were friends, but he wanted more...didn't turn out well. it became awkward and I think he felt so rejected that he couldn't face me anymore or something. or he hates my guts. so he wouldn't call me to hang out anymore or call to talk to me on the phone like before. I didn't really bother to do much either
not like he was my best friend. good thing my closest friends are tomboys, who have their own bfs and likely wouldn't have a crush on me or not that I know of. in this case of him being a good friend...hmm...did he specifically ask you out on a date to a restaurant? or just casually asked you to hang out and was vague as to where/what you were going to do on the date? what if he didn't mean a romantic date and you read into as a date because you like him, too? sometime the "spark" happens later. other times...the "spark" never really happens before or after or in between.
You have to be honest with him and really, don't worry about hurting his feelings. Trust me, you'll endup hurting him more. Once a friend has romantic feelings for you they are no longer a friend. I was in the same situation and tried to be polite but honestly, it ended up dragging on for so long - he would vary between saying he loved me to questioning as to whether I was worth his friendship, stupid me put up with it because I cared about him but I was just hurting him more - with the outcome being that we are no longer friends.
Tell him the truth. It'll sting but hopefully he'll come to respect you.
Everything you want in a boyfriend, huh? Just don't feel that spark, eh? So, from what I've gathered, this dude is the perfect personality for you and you'd totally date him... if he wasn't unattractive and you actually wanted to bone him. Seriously, the only opposite gender friends I have that I wouldn't want to date or bed are either unattractive to me physically in every way or I've known them for 10+ years and they've dated at least one of my best friends.
Now, you can't just go and call the guy fugly and expect the friendship to continue. In fact, there's no good way of telling anyone that their physical nature is the reason you don't want to date them. Might as well tell them you'd rather have an alien rip out of your chest. Anyway, how to tell the dude you just want to hangout without his wang out. You just have to tell him that you don't want to date him because you don't see him that way. Yup, you have to put his ass in the friendzone. He did his thing and tried to get out, bravo to him, but he belongs there. Derp.@modernthief@xanga - "Hmm, that would mean everything is a risk then, your whole life."
Such is also the case for everyone's life when contraception fails. Risk isn't necessarily a bad thing. Again, pseudo-salience.
for what it's worth, i once accepted a girl's advances even though i didn't think anything of her, and she is one of the best girls with whom i ever hooked up. ever since then, unless i have found a girl 100% unsociable, i have given her a chance.
i'm not saying you have this in your head, but in case you do: looks aren't everything. i thought the aforementioned girl was beautiful even though my friends laughed at me. you never know.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Yeah I was going to say, risk isn't a bad thing...You have to RISK things to be able to experience.
PROTIP: Guys, if you ask a girl out and she has to "think about it", just move on.
I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. I met this handsome guy who, on paper, is perfect for me and I thought for sure that I would fall in love with him, but there's no "spark." It's frustrating when you know you "should" like somebody but can't because there's just some elusive puzzle piece that's missing.
The best thing you can do for both him and yourself is to just be totally honest. Girls tend to like to make up excuses like, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now," etc, but I think this is one of the worst things you can do as it gives a false sense of hope. Tell him straight up that you're just not attracted to him romantically. It'll be awkward, but it can't be avoided.
"It's frustrating when you know you "should" like somebody but can't because there's just some elusive puzzle piece that's missing."
Lol. Your heart?
I'm guessing you prefer someone more abusive?
If the "spark" is not there then it's not very likely that it will happen later on. And the spark is decided by a bunch of factors- physical attraction, intelligence, smell, voice? If a guy rejects me, well he rejects me. I cry or I take it face value and make the best of it, become his good friend.
Well, what can I do? At least he was honest and didn't lead me on. We tell someone how we feel and it's up to them. We can't force someone to have feelings for us. And I would hate for a guy to say "well there was no spark but I gave her a shot" ouch!I honestly don't understand how you can love him & feel like he's your best friend but not feel that "spark"...It he just not physically attractive to you? Maybe you should give it a try. Tell him from the get go that you don't know how you feel about him & you're not sure how this is going to go. If you put your mindset into going from love to in love, you never know what could happen..
I think you may want to give it a try. If after a few weeks of dating you still feel no attraction to him romantically, then let him be just a friend, and hopefully he will be okay with that. (Also try to understand if he isn't; imagine how you would feel if you were in love with someone and they just wanted to be friends.)
It may be that as you try being closer to him, you find that that a spark of attraction does begin to appear even though you didn't think it would. I had this happen with a friend of mine who is now my boyfriend.