This post was submitted by Kelly.
Over the summer, I met a really great guy while doing a project overseas. I am an undergraduate student and he is currently in his second year of medical school. It wasn't a love at first sight thing, but the more time we spent together, the more he grew on me. After being in too many unhealthy relationships, there was something just so natural with him.
He's kind with his actions, he's responsible, smart, and most importantly, he makes me laugh, all the time. There is nothing dishonest about him, I feel like I can completely be myself, and he would respect me. But because he is such a straight edge and honest guy, it's hard to read his true emotions. He takes care of everyone, and so when he is especially caring with me, I get mixed signals.
Long story short, after the summer, I got back into school and with my also busy schedule, we rarely spoke. He is extremely busy with medical school, but whenever I needed him or needed to talk to him, he was willing to drop everything to do so. Recently, he had a long weekend and decided to drive about five hours to visit me at school.
It was an amazing weekend. He cooked for me, took me out to eat, and we had so much fun together. He is so respectful too, and although he spent nights with me, we kept our boundaries. Never have I ever been so comfortable with anyone. And never have I wanted so badly to open up my heart to someone. He's different. With other guys, I doubt and question their motives, and I have not been in a long-term relationship for a long time.
When he first came, I took this visit as a friendly one--just one friend visiting the other. But I swear, with all the female intuition in me, that there is something more. And when I sat by the river that night with him, I swear, he felt the same way about me.
The thing is, neither of us acts on it. I know my feelings, but I do know the circumstance. We would be in a LDR...and he's in medical school. I know he knows it too, even though I still can't confirm if he sees me more than a friend. But he keeps saying that medical school is so hard, and he doesn't have time for anything. And to clarify I really don't see this as him keeping me hanging or lying, he's very honest. I know he means it when he says he's busy.
I think I'm writing this post... because I just feel helpless. I also am aiming for medical school, and I know what sacrifices are to be made in terms of relationships. He's such a great guy, and I wonder, were it not for medical school, if he would try. And why circumstances make things so difficult. He has left now, and we only exchange one or two texts a day... and I just miss him. I really just miss him.
I know if I don't act on my feelings, I could be losing out on a really great guy. But then again, my intuition could backfire, and he doesn't feel the same way at all.
Is medical school that bad, that a relationship can't ensue?
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Comments (39)
okay, sooo this is what i got from this:
"he's a busy guy (because med students are naturally busy people), and i'm a busy girl, so the combination of our schedules clearly don't allow for any normal relationship between us. yet, just for my ego, i want to know that in a theoretical world, he would drop his entire career for me."
did i get that right? even if not, here's my best read on the situation: he's probably into you. i know this because i do some crazy shit for my friends, but i would not drive 5 hours (mostly for carbon footprint reasons) and then cook dinner for any of them unless something super serious just happened. he isn't having sex with you because he knows you're into him yet doesn't want to fuck with your emotions. in fact, he is quite a good guy.
for your own sanity, i think you might need to let this one go.
p.s. with only one exception, i'm pretty sure the only effective doctors i've ever had have been indian, so maybe we should leave med school to them. the one exception was a white guy who got into all 6 of the md-phd programs to which he applied, so he was kind of on the ball. (turns out brown people are good for something besides hiding their ugly women in burqas.)
No. Medical school does not prevent you from having a normal relationship.
Why don't you just throw it out there, see if you guys can work it. And if it fails then at least you tried...better knowing that you tried than thinking 'what if' for the rest of your life!
I sorta agree with the comment before mine. No one is driving 5 hours, cooking dinner, and spending the night for someone they're not into. It just doesn't happen. As for him not having enough time for you (each other), you both seem to be willing to make some sacrifices. The thing is, if you don't convey to HIM what you've conveyed to random strangers on a blog website, how he is going to know? This is something you need to discuss with him. He cant read your mind and you clearly can't read his. I know long distance's can be trouble in the making, but I just don't see an issue with trying. It'd be way worse than wondering.
try. i think you should just talk to him about it, and try it out. if it can't work out, at least you'll know. but not knowing what could be is a terrible feeling. so go for it.
Background on my comment: I worked for 10 years in healthcare. I know the field. I personally know the dating dilemma when it comes to doctors.
Med school is just the beginning. I'm sorry but it's true. Residency is going to be EVEN busier and more stressful, believe it or not. No, there is not going to be time for a nurturing relationship. This is not the advice you want. I think you know it's the truth, though. If you know the field, you know it is.
I'm not saying that you should avoid each other, but why do things have to be defined or sought after when the reality is it can't be what you're ultimately looking for right now.
An example: When I was working in Radiology, one of the Residents and I really hit it off. He asked for my number, I gave it to him. He called...3 months later when he had time. See what I'm saying? The mutual interest was there and expressed, and it still took 3 months for him to make the time to call for a date.
Yes, medical school is that bad. And residency will be worse. I'm sorry.
Yes, medical school is bad. Almost all graduate programs require intense concentration and focus, but law and med schools are the notorious time killers. Your dilemma sounds terrible, but at some point in life you have to make a big sacrifice to get somewhere great. Let him go, and focus on your career path.
Grad school is INSANELY difficult. If he did not feel the same way about you, he for damn sure would have spent that five hour drive studying in the library instead.
That said, if you would not be happy with what level of communication, love, and support he would be willing and able to give you from the long distance between where you are now and the place where he is likely memorizing latinate words and snorting ground-up coffee through a straw to stay awake, you have to face that fact.
Good luck!
"But he keeps saying that medical school is so hard, and he doesn't have time for anything."
That may be a signal that, though he likes you, he may be too busy for anything more than friendship right now. But to find out, you are just going to have to ask him.
Good Luck!
I'd say to clear the air, good or bad, if for both your sanity. But yeah, graduate school is hard so the other person has to be pretty understanding but there also comes a point in that schooling when they need a break, some social interaction, away from it so relationships aren't a lost cause.
Uh have you not seen Grey's Anatomy? They are bopping and banging more than a little bit and they work too! Whether he would have enough time for you is up to him, so just talk to him about it. If he says he'll try to make time for you then it is worth a try, you'll never know if you don't try. If the relationship doesn't work out then it's not meant to be.
I spotted two more slim tall hot men at work and that brings my crush count to 4 men, who all look about the same height at 6'4." I know one of them is married with kids and he did a bit of higher schooling and had jobs at different areas. I know because I read his business profile online
he managed to find time to start a family, but just because it works for him, it doesn't mean that others will have good time management or if he does have time, there's still the personality compatibility factor. I mainly just wanted to oogle about my crush yet again
I ran into him a few days ago and he made me feel floaty
he's like a real life walking heroin
I'm straightedge but he's my drug
oh yeah what I was saying is that after school and you're in the work world, then maybe there'll be more like him around. then you won't know who to choose, because you'll probably have 4 crushes like me and have a little love for all:D I have a bf, but some eyecandy at work for lunch keeps me sexy, too
Thanks all for taking the time to write back!
I think my big hesitation with letting him know my feelings is again -- the whole risking friendship thing. I really love our friendship, and I think if I were to tell him:
(1) He might not actually feel that way for me, but I took it as something more, simply because he takes care of everyone and is nice to everyone.. so it's nearly impossible to read his mind. But I feel something. (2) Even if he did reciprocate his feelings, I don't know how to make things work with our circumstance. I am willing to work for it, but I know that he's stressed out enough. I don't know if he would try, simply because it would be so new. If we had been dating before medical school and known each other well, I think it would be easier for him to want to try.
And either way, it might damage such a great friendship. You know? I just don't want to miss out on this chance, though. Because who knows if we'll still hang out like this next year?
I think you guys just got unlucky. He obviously likes you because he wouldn't drive five hours to see you and cook for you if he didn't, but the distance combined with him being in medical school just isn't a good combination. My parents met when my dad was in Residency and they very nearly broke up because of the stress of it all, and they were living in the same house. Medical school is insane and Residency is even worse, but I think you should at least tell him how you feel - if you want to try and give it a go, great, but if not, at least he knows how you feel and you won't regret not telling him in five years time.
In medicine, you only get busier as you go up in the years. Still, if you really want a relationship, you can make it work but time is limited and sacrifices have to come some where.
he's too busy for you.
I say, go with it. Tell him how you feel. You know, I have never kept my feelings to myself. If I like a guy I tell him. It's so much simpler. Though I know some guys are into the games, I don't appreciate it.
If he says he likes you it will be cool. If not, you can continue to be friends. :) If you can be together, that'd be awesome since you could both understand why the other doesn't have that much spare time,etc. and well, LDR are fine if someday you move closer, but that comes with time. I dunno, give it a shot. Good luck :)
@Kelly - i think it is safe to say that he's not going to take it the wrong way if you take any risks with regard to this, though i also think you shouldn't put all your chips in and do a whole big confession like in the movies. (losing friendships over this seems to be a phenomenon in the opposite gender direction.) just be prepared to hear the response you don't want to hear. he did already say he's too busy for anything, right?
for what it's worth though, think about it--all med students end up getting some, so obviously they *do* have time to date. and, my aunt married her husband as he went through years of ER medicine, so there is hope.
people make and find time in their lives for the things that are of critical importance. It's the bottom line truth. That may or may not mean a relationship with you, BUT, he's bothered to maintain this friendship, if it's more than friendship, he will find some time and effort for that. If you can't deal with the demands of his chosen (and your chosen) careers and want a partner who has more time for a relationship, then do yourselves a favor and find someone with different time demands and priorities. But if this is THE guy, then tell him and do what it takes to have him in your life.
@Kelly - If I were you, I would have brought it up by now asking where is this going to go. If it's nowhere, then move on for now and if you're meant to be he'll come back as cliche as this all sounds, it's true. I just hate the suspense of not knowing.
He drove 5 hours to cook, take you out to dinner, be with you but "respected your boundaries" in the same bed?
pffft...he's expecting sex but he's too wimpy to put on the moves (but seems like a genuinely great guy) and you are stringing him along.
That's a waste of his time and yours but apparently you are getting a good deal out of this.
You want to be in med school, while he's doing residency?
That only works in television dramas... wait, it doesn't even really work in those.
When you pick careers like these, you can and MUST sacrifice relationships and family for a decade, and then hope upon hope you come out the other side without trailing lawsuits. Get his number, and then check back when you are 35.
Go for it
If he says hes busy then that typically means he's not willing to commit. I feel like you should keep it on good terms instead of risking the relationship by going LD. Think about it, if you guys do become a couple and it doesn't work out, it might not be the same as it was before you were a couple.