Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Are you having trouble getting the girl of your dreams? Of course you are. Why? 'Cause you're not me. Well, my failing friend, I have good news and bad news. The BAD news is that you will never be me. The GOOD news is that I'm a brilliant lover, and can give you a few tips to get you going in the right direction. Let's get started.
1) Girls Like Assholes
That's right. Nothing gets a girl's heart pounding more than an asshole. So, here's what you do. The next time you see a beautiful little tart on the street, walk up to her, pull down your pants, spread your butt cheeks, and show that lady your asshole! For extra impact, you can draw an arrow on each of your ass cheeks pointing right to the hole.
Now, she may seem offended at first and walk away; perhaps, even run. That's okay. You just wiggle your way down the street screaming, "Look at it! You look at it now!" Believe me; you chase her down for a couple blocks, and her heart will be putty in your hands!
2) Girls Love Bad Boys
Believe me, the rumor is true. But don't take my word for it, try it out yourself! Next time you pick up a girl for a date, instead of bringing her flowers, bring her a brick. Ring the door bell, and when she opens up the door, hit her right in the fucking face with that brick. Not TOO hard, though. Just enough to confuse her. Now that you have her all dazed and punchy, tie her up and rob her ass blind! Wave a gun around too... if you have one.
Spray paint her walls, break some shit, and log onto her computer and illegally download some music! Yeah! Now you're rollin' like a bad boy, baby! This girl is gonna love you like sunshine!
3) Play Hard to Get
Everyone knows that a woman wants what she can't have! If a woman thinks you are "unattainable" she will be all over you. How do you give off the impression that you are unattainable? Worry not! This process is easy like Sunday morning! Simply buy a ticket to Peru, purchase 25 kilos of hardcore, uncut Peruvian black tar heroin, tape the heroin on the outside of your clothing, go to the nearest airport, then attempt to walk through customs.
At that point, the friendly customs personnel will take care of the rest! Before you know it, you will be so far off the fucking grid, Carmen San Diego will be wondering where in the world YOU are! Talk about unattainable! Her panties well be DRIPPING like Niagara fucking Falls for you! And, the more time you spend locked away in a Peruvian prison, getting ass raped and sucking cock for cigarettes, the STRONGER her desire for you will grow! How AMAZING does THAT sound?
Alright, winners. I'm afraid I have given you all the help I can. I would love to keep going, but I need to keep a few tricks of the trade for myself. I have faith in you. Take this information, give it your own little spin, and you will find that in no time at all YOU TOO can be a smooth, slick lady killer just like me. Best of luck!
So what do you think, ladies? Pretty phenomenal advice, right?