This post was submitted by Renae.
Recently, my boyfriend and I had an interesting and conversation-provoking dilemma.
Some facts: We have only been dating for two months and I wouldn't describe it as a super serious relationship, however we have a long distance relationship of over 100 miles and I stay at his place almost every weekend.
This weekend we were supposed to hang out from Saturday afternoon until early Tuesday morning. In other words, he was supposed to have Monday off or at least just work from home. But when a last minute call from his boss pulled him into work, this brought up the question of what I would do while he was gone.
Now, all of my previous boyfriends would have just said, "Hang out here while I go into work." Not really much to my surprise as this had been hinted at before,
he was uncomfortable with leaving me at his house alone while he was at work. When I had first been made aware of this I assumed he was hiding something (most likely due to my rough past). However, this really didn't seem like the answer. So when the issue arose, I asked him to explain.
He said something to the effect of it being a control thing, like me being there without him was giving up some sort of control. I even offered to clean his entire condo while he was at work, and he was still extremely uncomfortable with the idea. We sat around for about 20 minutes while he quietly debated what to do. Finally, after becoming extremely uncomfortable myself, I told him that I was just going to leave because clearly he wasn't ready to make that decision.
I just don't understand! I think I need a man's opinion.
I have a few questions:
1. Is this normal? Has this happened to anybody else?
2. Can someone explain this to me in a better way?
3. Is this a bad thing/should I be worried?
4. Is it because he's afraid it would make things too serious?
Recommend
Comments (13)
to answer your 2nd question: no one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
in all seriousness, i didn't really read into this until i saw his response. (you did the right thing by asking before consulting a bunch of idiots on the internet, by the way.) control? what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
but, since you haven't given us any other red flags, i'd just keep a mental note of this one until something else strange happens.
I was that way with my last boyfriend for a long time. I didn't like the idea of him maybe messing through my stuff. I didn't feel like we were at that level in our relationship. Were there things I didn't want him to see? Yes.
Later, after things had progressed with us, I didn't really feel like that. I was ready to expose more to him. There was an opportunity, when my room mate moved out, for him to move in, and he turned it down, but a few months later he was ready to live together.
so, two months of a not super serious relationship? No way am I letting that person hang out alone in my house all day.
I don't know about other people's experiences but when I came to see my SO for the first time who was also long distance, before I moved in with him, I stayed in his home alone while he was at work for 9 hrs a day (minus an hr for lunch?). We were both totally okay with it and knew that's how it would have to be.
Well, to correct myself, we spent about two or three days together that he had taken vacation for but it couldn't last forever. Then I stayed at his place and actually stayed for about four days longer than I intended to. As far as I know, there was no discomfort on his part, which ended up helping me be comfortable with the situation too. Had he treated me the way your SO treated you, I would've felt very awkward too though.
Thanks to the easy first meet though, and getting along so well, we ended up moving in together three months later to close the 8 hour gap between us. That was just over a year ago and we're still going strong.
I think I get what he means by control. This isn't something you would come upon normally but it's probably not completely psycho (depending on the person).
"The man of the house". In one sense, that's how he subconsciously feels. It's his place, everything in it is his, all things in a way becomes an extension of him. But if he's away and you're at his house alone, it can be like you've taken over him, and he probably doesn't like the feeling of being taken over, to not be in control, an anxiety.
If he's a decent guy aside from this, then give it time. What would happen is that he'll be more comfy with you and you would be able to stay at his place alone, as he would then subconsciously feel like he still have control of things.
This is a bit like trust issues, in which it may take time for him to trust you, and to trust you with his place alone. The difference I think though is that with trust, you'd be free to do whatever in his place and he'll trust that his place will be find. With control, it's like you can stay at his place but he'll still be able to control the situation if something was to happen.
Maybe there's not a different with trust and control, but this is at least a good shot at trying to explain what he meant by "control." Hope this helps.
He's worried that you'll find his stack of porn. Especially after you asked to clean the place which means you would most likelly find his stack of porn. That's probably all it is. Don't worry about it too much.
I find it a little strange. I've been left alone in a guy's place that I was barely even dating. That being said though, it doesn't mean anything fishy is going on. Some people are just uncomfortable leaving people alone in their places. I felt weird leaving my ex alone in my apartment. I still did it, but I didn't like it. It could be just that he's used to being alone. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but just keep a mental note of it in case anything else kind of weird pops up. Two months really isn't that long. My casual dating guy that let me stay there was mostly because I was just going to be sleeping and then getting ready before he got back from work. Maybe he feels weird having you wandering around his place by yourself while he's gone.
maybe he is a possessive neat freak like me. I hate it when anyone touches my things. don't move my things around while dusting and mess up my previous arrangement of my things
I also don't like it when people use the bathroom or kitchen and leave a mess. I don't like it when house guests use my bathroom and place their things there while moving my things to the side. although that's why I rarely invite anyone to my home. this sounds psycho but my bf thinks I'm adorable
that's what matters. someone, who you can tolerate/accept your little quirks and find them adorable than annoying. he loves how immaculate I am because he also has treasures of his own at his place. my house is my own museum
maybe he thinks you'll be nosy and go through his things. he might not necessarily have anything to hide, just doesn't like an invasion of privacy and doesn't trust you yet to not cross personal space boundaries since you're not in a serious relationship.' I personally wouldn't trust a well known slob if I've been to his place to stay at my place unattended. what if he spills chocolate ice cream all over my carpet and doesn't quickly clean it, so it leaves a caca stain?! good thing I have wooden flooring to safeguard that from happening probably other slobs or people, who don't care wouldn't mind.
he means that he doesn't have control or watch over his home aka territory if he isn't there as a guardian. he's territorial of his home
since I can relate, then I wouldn't find it awkward if a guy or anyone else was also territorial of their home. however, I wouldn't want to be alone at my guy's house because maybe I'd be bored and tour his place visually to see if he's organized or on the slob side. if he's organized, then I would understand and not touch his things. if he's slobby, then I'd probably still not touch his things, because I don't like cleaning up after other peoples' messes because I'm not an enabler and it just disgusts me to see a dirty bathroom with grime in the bathtub and walls, sink and/or toilet, so no way, I ain't nobody's maid. ugh:D
To be fair, I would be really uncomfortable if someone I'd been dating for two months told me they'd clean my house while I was away. That's pretty personal because it means you're going through his stuff and you might find personal, private things that he wants to keep to himself or that he's not ready to talk about yet.
Also, I wouldn't WANT to stay home at someone's house (who I'd only been dating two months) while they were gone - I'd feel uncomfortable and personally, if I was in your shoes and he'd been called into work, I'd have offered to leave and only stayed if he'd insisted otherwise. I know it sucks that you missed out on some time together, but it his space it's better to respect that than push his boundaries, especially this early on.
If I know he does not have a criminal history, I wouldn't mind the person I'm seeing stay at my place unattended. You could tell him the room are off-limits and he could stay in the living room or a guest room if you're not feeling too trusting.
Um, you guys have only been dating two months? lol I really wouldn't freak out about this. I wouldn't want someone in my house that I wasn't serious about yet and the way you freaked out and left because he couldn't make a decision shows how more mature he is then you are. Nobody wants to be forced to do something they aren't comfortable with. && the whole hiding thing? really? lol sounds like you need to deal with your issues from your past relationships if you think he is hiding something?
its like someone has your phone, just because there is nothing on there doesn't mean you want people going through it.
I get the guy's perspective. Some people are just very private people. I know I'm generally not comfortable just spending the day alone in someone else's house, and I'd certainly prefer not to have anyone spend all day alone in my house, whether it's my girlfriend or just one of my guy friends.
Funny, whenever I stay at a guy's place they always try to get me to clean. You're a lucky girl, you should hold onto this one.
What did you mean by "your rough past"? Did you used to do drugs and shoplift or something? I assume that's why he's uncomfortable with the idea of you being alone in his house, plus he doesn't really know you that well. You've basically hung out, like, 10 times? You're basically a stranger.
It doesn't seem like a bad sign, just a "he doesn't trust you because he doesn't know you" kind of a deal.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - haha you are SOOOOOOOO O.C.D.!!!! lmao Your comment totally made me lol! With Love, The Single Girl :)