Tuesday, 09 October 2012
-
Why Are Most Women So Hostile Towards Guys with Social Anxiety?
Most women are charitable. You will see them participating in Habitat for Humanity projects, partaking in ministry efforts to feed the homeless, and even traveling all the way to third world countries to help the less fortunate in the world. When it comes to guys with social anxiety however, they do a complete 180 and treat them like sub-humans - creatures that don't deserve to be loved and instead should be locked up in cages and treated like animals.
They make said guys feel like complete and total failures in life even though these guys may be successful in many other areas.Most women say they prefer tall men. There could be a tall guy out there who is good-looking and is even a great dancer, but if he's not a big talker and can't make her laugh or come up with witty zingers in response to what she says, then women will lump him in the same category as the short "fatass" loser sitting by himself when he could very well be the best guy a woman could have.
Many guys will even commit suicide over women treating them so horribly over a long period of time for not living up to their social expectations. Why can't said women be more cognitive of guys with these problems, especially if they are on the autistic spectrum? Why do they expect every guy they interact with to be a perfect communicator in order to be worth their time, let alone deserve to be loved?
If most women were only a little more accepting toward guys with social anxiety, there would be no need for pick-up artistry or any of this bogus crap said guys put themselves through just to meet women they may be interested in dating. Most guys in general don't want to play "The Game," but are forced to because women expect too much out of guys.
Women, what are your thoughts? Men, have you ever felt this way?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Dr_Jeecheroo@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 15129 Comments: 0 359 View all posts by Dr_Jeecheroo@xanga
Comments (88)
not everyone wants to deal with that kind of baggage. who are you to blame them?
Bit extreme, but tidbits of truth.
This doesn't strike me as a case of social anxiety but rather a case of social ineptitude.
...I'm not sure what kinds of women you're trying to talk to. Sure, I think extroverts and people skilled with people do better in social situations, but the extremes you're speaking of ("creatures that don't deserve to be loved and instead should be locked up in cages and treated like animals" and "will even commit suicide over women treating them so horribly over a long period of time") make me think it's one of three things:
1. The poster is consistently going after the wrong kind of women.
2. The poster is taking reactions that are slightly negative and/or just not positive and making more out of them than there is.
3. The poster isn't just suffering from social anxiety, but also is doing behavior that is almost ALWAYS going to be viewed poorly and just doesn't realize it.
The good news is, if I'm right and it's one of those, the poster has the ability to change the way he's acting.
I want to know why men, rather little boys trapped in men's bodies treat women the way the woman OP was treated in this story:
http://www.datingish.com/768561498/the-cheating-ex-who-got-another-woman-pregnant/
I actually like quiet guys. My husband is quiet. But there is a difference between being quiet or not always having a "zinger", and being uninteresting or boring. You can be quiet and introverted and a blast to talk to.
Social anxiety translated to awkward. I like awkward guys, they're endearing. My fb's very awkward, as am I... maybe I'm just not of those women you're talking about. Shrug.
Conversation is good. "Witty zingers" are a plus, but being able to talk is a necessity. Granted people are often too quick to write someone off, but you wouldn't date someone you can't talk to. You certainly wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who can't converse with you. Just because a woman doesn't talk to you at a bar, or entertain the idea of a date, does not mean she thinks you're a sub-human creature.
If there was a post asking why women go after "tall guys who can dance" but can't hold a conversation/come across as slightly unintelligent, they'd be called shallow for that too.
I like talking to people. I like people with a dry sarcastic sense of humour. People who can take a joke or pun and run with it. But some of guys I've had the most chemistry with were the ones dubbed "awkward" with women.
Many women are instinctively attracted to men who exhibit certain characteristics. Confidence is a big one among those characteristics. If you are a man who exhibits a lack of confidence, it's very likely that you will frequently be treated as a low-value beta male, it's true. That's just normal primate behavior.
Is it fair? Maybe not. It it surprising? Definitely not.
My advice to anyone with social anxiety, male or otherwise, is to use exposure therapy to gradually acclimate yourself to difficult social circumstances.
This unfortunately makes sense. Most women (the way I see it), if they come across someone who is not geared in the social graces, they take it upon themselves to let them know they are NOT men. Not the kind of man a woman wants, and they have even more social anxiety.
It's not always this way but in my experience some women look for timid men, and some women look for aggressive men. If a woman looking for an aggressive man comes across a timid man, she may unleash on him, especially in the workplace.
Or it could also be that she has a chance to vent on someone when she can't with her spouse or at home because he is hostile to her, and people, not just women, pick up on who they can do this to.
The last of our great social prejudices is that oftentimes we cannot see others as we would like them to see us. Φ ≡
Recommend nous-apeiron's comment.
Some women may be afraid of making the first move. They aren't going to know about this guy's social anxiety unless he comes out and says so at the beginning. If he doesn't, she'll take the lack of conversation as though he's not into her. I do think you're generalizing and being extreme quite a bit, though.
I really haven't seen a huge amount of evidence of this (granted, I do hang around with nice people).
What I have seen is that a lot of women (myself sometimes included) don't always know what a guy will find scary. We're raised to see boys as "strong" in this society, and we don't necessarily know instinctively what a man is going to find hurtful.
Here's the way this cycle goes:
Guy has social anxiety.Girl treats guy a little too aggressively because she has no idea it will bother him.Guy already has anxiety, so he interprets the girl's over-the-topness as outright meanness, and it starts the cycle all over again.
As a girl with social anxiety, I could turn this around and ask why guys are not nicer to me. The truth is, though, that I sometimes interpret their actions through my social anxiety and assume that they think I'm a loser when in reality they didn't mean anything malicious by what they did or didn't do.
This seems like a male equivalent of "Why are all guys male chauvinist pigs, cheaters, jerks, ...?"
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - gave good advice. If you keep running into the same kind of person, it's time to some introspection.
"Why Are Most Women So Hostile Towards Guys with Social Anxiety?"
Because most women are hostile towards guys with social anxiety.
Females are all about doing what is best for everyone when doing what is best for everyone often conflicts with what is best for an individual, even when that individual knows what is best for everyone (including both of them) and that individual is otherwise forced to go along with whatever the female decides is 'best' and even when it clearly isn't.
"Most guys in general don't want to play "The Game," but are forced to because women expect too much out of guys."
That's just it... they don't expect too much out of guys, they horribly underestimate them in every facet. I'm sure if most females (x) were just a little bit more accepting of guys with social anxiety there would be far fewer guys with social anxiety (relative to x) who are more confident/better communicators. I added the variable (x) to help illustrate that this is a self-perpetuating problem.
Like @Nous_Apeiron@xanga said, "If you are a man who exhibits a lack of confidence, it's very likely that you will frequently be treated as a low-value beta male, it's true. That's just normal primate behavior.".
This also goes back to the whole 'why are women attracted to assholes?' subject. Trait mimicry has made confident behavior desirable over confident males and has driven female expectations far out of bounds to such a point that females would prefer a male who acts confident over a male who doesn't feel the need to do so (i.e. a male that is confident).
Women don't have to marry charities. When dating, women usually want a partner they feel be equal to them through life and not one they will have to take care of like a child for the rest of their life. If a guy seems like he cannot stand on his own two feet, most women don't find it desirable. If a guy is a great guy, has things going for him but just doesn't know how to talk well, I think a lot of girls can overlook it.
However, if a guy is extremely quiet, never says anything or says things that come off as maybe rude (even if it was not the intent), the girl can take it as him not liking her. Most women want a very clear signal from a guy for her to accept that he likes her...and that takes talking and expressing feelings in a clear manner which can be difficult if you have anxiety.
Cuz women be bitches? (As soon as you bring autism into it, that's about the best response you'll get out of me.)
@xxfl1@xanga - You're a joke.
@heythereJOANN@xanga - "They aren't going to know about this guy's social anxiety unless he comes out and says so at the beginning."
Can you give me the probability (as a percent) of a guy with SOCIAL ANXIETY coming out and saying it at the beginning?
Better yet, can you go ahead and compare it to the percentage of guys WITHOUT SOCIAL ANXIETY who would come out and say so at the beginning?
It does take a sensitive, patient person to deal with someone with social anxiety. My best friend (that I happen to be in love with) has social anxiety. If we talk one-on-one he is witty & very relaxed, but he has told me that is not usually the case with most people. He is basically unable to function in groups bigger than 10 people or crowded places like a mall or a bar. When he came to my NYE party last year he ended up bolting out of the house because it became too much for him (not in a claustrophobic way but a "OMG I only know like 2 people and I have nothing to say" kind of way). After walking around with him for about an hour he had calmed down.
Anyway, with patience I've come to know and love him despite his social issues. I'm not scared of social situations like he is but I can be awkward on occasion and have anxiety/depression issues. It takes time but he's worth it and he's finally starting to trust me. Awkward people don't bother me, because I know that most of the time an incredible person is hidden underneath the fear of social situations.
And BTW, guys hate on quiet, awkward girls & those with social anxiety. It's not just a guy thing.
I'm very chatty, and I need someone who can talk with me and text me and call.....communication is just a big thing for me so how am I supposed to be happy with someone that isn't the same? If I could change that I would, but it's just the way I am. I think awkward guys are cute but I can't date them, the relationship would never work.
@isitreal_no@xanga - "...communication is just a big thing for me so how am I supposed to be happy with someone that isn't the same?"
You are responsible for creating your own happiness; not the guy, not anyone else.
I'm an introvert myself, so I have no issues with other introverts. I like shy guys. But I also scare the piss out of shy guys and that's simply not my fault. Look within, if I say no to a date with a shy guy that has nothing to do with his shyness at all.
Social anxiety is not analogous to an Autism diagnosis, though one can amplify the other.
Women are not responsible for men killing themselves. A personality is what matters, and a confident one especially at that. If a man's character is flawed and he also has social anxiety, that explains that. But social anxiety in itself does not precipitate dislike in others. Self-pity does (keep that in mind. Pretty sure I know who the OP is, and I'm not surprised at all). Telling someone that she, as one member of a group which consists of half the world, makes you suicidal, is off-putting, to say the least.
If I didn't know better I'd think this was written by a whiny 5 year old girl. You need a huge attitude adjustment.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - "Women are not responsible for men killing themselves."
No... they only give birth to them, that's all.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga summed it up extremely well:
"Women don't have to marry charities. When
dating, women usually want a partner they feel be equal to them through
life and not one they will have to take care of like a child for the
rest of their life."
Exactly. Women have to be strong in so many areas of life. Most of us want a man who makes us feel safe, emotionally and physically. A man who does not even have the confidence to know that he could is not one we can trust to do so.
"If a guy is a great guy, has
things going for him but just doesn't know how to talk well, I think a
lot of girls can overlook it." Exactly. If social anxiety is your only bad quality, it's overlookable. But if YOU choose to let it take over your life, then your lack of ambition is what turns us off, not your minor character flaw.
Also,
"However, if a guy is extremely quiet, never
says anything or says things that come off as maybe rude (even if it was
not the intent), the girl can take it as him not liking her."
Is who a lot of guys with Asperger's come off. Asperger's syndrome deals with legitimate social skills deficiencies. This should not be used interchangeably with social anxiety. Anxiety is not equal to ineptitude.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - The two facts are completely irrelevant to one another, especially considering a female romantic interest is probably not going to be a guy's mother.
"I like alligators but I refuse to eat solids." Okayy then.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - "The two facts are completely irrelevant to one another, especially considering a female romantic interest is probably not going to be a guy's mother."
The two facts are completely relevant to one another, especially when considering a female romantic interest is probably going to be the mother of a guy's children.
My words = "I like alligators but I refuse to eat solids."
Your actions = "I like solids but I refuse to eat alligators."
"Because, whatever I ask, you seem to do the exact opposite." - Castiel, Supernatural (Season 4, Episode 15)
Just because it isn't the case for an individual that doesn't mean it isn't good policy. That might seem to be in sharp contrast to my previous statement "A policy that is fair 'on average' isn't fair at all", but if it isn't good policy for an for an individual and they explicitly tell you it is not good policy for them, SURPRISE! Make an exception for that individual if it isn't hurting you (again, not gaining something ≠ losing something).
That is also why I believe your "standards" are bullshit.
I don't force antiquated policies on women for my own selfish gain (as an individual or as a male), they have no right to force new ones on me for theirs (as an individual or as a female).
http://youtu.be/nS246KKU5Dw