Tuesday, 09 October 2012
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Perfect on Paper but No Attraction
This post was submitted anonymously.
I have been with my boyfriend for two months now. We dated for eight months before we committed. I said yes to being his girlfriend because on paper, he is a really nice guy. He listens, he really likes me, he gets me things, he is respectful, and he has the same values and culture. However, I have never felt attracted to him.
I originally thought I said yes because I might get to like him and the attraction would grow, then I thought I was only settling because I really want to get married and have kids. Now, I don't know.
He's trying so hard to be a boyfriend (he has never gone out with anyone before me). We haven't kissed and I'm reluctant to do so, but he is such a nice person!What should I do?
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Comments (51)
"Perfect on paper but no attraction"
It's called 'spoiled'. How could you know that you're not attracted to him unless you are (or were) attracted to someone else and why aren't you with them instead?
I hear this a lot when inaccurately said to me by others, but get over yourself. If you're not attracted to him then why is he your boyfriend?
Words are meant to describe the feelings involved, titles to reflect them.
Don't date until you understand this (i.e. don't date a person just because you can, date them because you want to) otherwise you're going to fall to the belief that you're some sort of prize then whine about it when men objectify you accordingly.
- Dr. Datingish
I can't say what you should or shouldn't do, because it is not my place and I do not know the circumstance of your relationship. But, if I were in your position, even though the guy is great but there is no chemistry, I would have to say that I feel the relationship wouldn't last because you're going to expect a little more than just a nice, respectable guy--he may or may not be able fulfill your expectations. I do not know you personally, but since you are asking, it leads me to believe that he is lacking something (the spark). I say, give him a kiss and see what happens, especially since the relationship is relatively new. Best wishes!
Just break up with him if you feel no romantic connection, it's the least you can do for him.
@CrocodileTearsx@xanga - "it's the least you can do for him."
No... that's the equivalent of doing nothing for him at all. Doing nothing for him isn't "for him", it's for her.
I hate how women mindfuck themselves into believing they're responsible for the happiness of others only to outright deny the fact when it's actually wanted or needed.
If you're going to be selfish it is for your benefit to know it and to admit it to yourself.
The least she can do for him is not be his girlfriend in the first place. The only way to maximize profit off of love is for both parties to be non-profit because the harder you try to break even the more you end up giving (and getting in return).
Don't project what you can't expect.
That is to say, if you believe you have a responsibility to others don't project (to give 'someone') what you can't expect (to receive from that individual) otherwise you're passing your responsibility off to someone else (that person in this case being her current boyfriend if she breaks up with him because he is clearly 'perfect on paper', i.e. his loss for doing nothing wrong).
If he doesn't deserve her effort, who does? Why isn't she with that guy instead of him? If she were with that guy, would she owe him her effort?
Perpetual self-sabotaging bullshit.
Just tell him the truth as quickly as possible. I think he would much rather you be up front than make it drag out and waste his time...like waiting 8 months to try to feel attraction. If it's not there during the friendly/get to know you phase, don't date someone until you do feel something for them.
It might sting him at first but it's so much better than being with someone who doesn't love you.
there's a bunch of "perfect on paper" guys at my work, but they are mostly geeks. I prefer sexy(
) AND perfect on paper.
"like waiting 8 months to try to feel attraction."
To "try" to feel attraction? If you're so desperate as to try to feel attracted to someone when you're already with someone you are ridiculously spoiled and in no way are you desperate. Victim complex much? Not receiving something ≠ losing something (i.e. "Don't project what you can't expect"). Try waiting 23 years to be attracted to someone.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - The exception proves the rule.
If being sexy isn't requisite to being "perfect on paper" you should write it down.
If you're going to be selfish it is for your benefit to know it and to admit it to yourself (and others, so they can help you be selfish).
Having undefined standards ≠ having no standards. Are all women unfamiliar with the concept of a variable?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "Don't date until you understand this (i.e.don't date a person just because you can, date them because you want to)"
Which is why she should break up with him. Who wants to be with someone who isn't even attracted to you or struggles to be attracted to you? She does owe it to him to be honest and let him find someone who is just as attracted to him as he is to them.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - "Which is why she should break up with him. Who wants to be with someone who isn't even attracted to you or struggles to be attracted to you?"
Maybe HE does. She is not his legal guardian which is why she shouldn't break up with him.
If you're going to spew the same bullshit I hear all the time ("You're responsible for creating your own happiness") don't give me that shit 'she's only doing what's best for him'.
"She does owe it to him to be honest and let him find someone who is just as attracted to him as he is to them."
Maybe HE did but now SHE is doubting herself and sabotaging HER relationship.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You said it best: "Don't date a person just because you can, date them because you want to."
That would mean that she shouldn't date him.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - That would mean she shouldn't have dated him and shouldn't date.
Get your tenses straight. If she wants a do-over she has the opportunity for that do-over to be with him (umm... can you say RELATIONSHIP or are you unfamiliar with the concept)?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I did get my tenses straight. I said, that means she shouldn't date him. As in, continue to date him.
It makes absolutely no sense for you to think she should keep dating him if she never should have dated him in the first place. There's your past tense for ya.
So that's ten months and no kissing? Let the poor guy go! You'll be doing yourself and him a favour. He can go find someone that actually loves and is attracted to him, rather than just settling for him, I think that is so cruel :(
What a lucky guy. Buy him a fleshlight and give it to him when you break up with him. It's the least you can do. Also, don't jump into a relationship ever again. It's a sign of weak character.
Is this blog a joke?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - So, because she made a mistake (as we all agree it was a mistake, and a stupidly selfish one) she should STAY with someone she is not attracted to? That makes no fucking sense. If she and he are not a good couple they should break up so he may find someone whom actually LIKES HIM FOR HIM. Forcing herself to stay with him does HIM a massive disservice and the relationship will inevitably crumble--at a worse time with farther reaching consequences.
Stop giving advice. You're on par with Dr. Oz and Phil, and just as credible.
You're an emotional prostitute, and he's a whopping pussy. I have no pitty for either of you.
if he hasn't made a move on you, it's no wonder you're not into him.
lesson for all the guys reading this: despite what girls want you to think, they *do* need that physical connection for them to be attracted to you.
....dafuq did I just read?
@isitreal_no@xanga - What she said.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "lesson for all the guys reading this: despite what girls want you to think, they *do* need that physical connection for them to be attracted to you."
Oh? But I thought guys were the ones who were pigs because love goes beyond the realm of physical attraction?
I agree with The notorious good. I felt 0% physical attraction for my current boyfriend until he kissed me. I went out with him for the same reason, he was "perfect on paper" but kind of a geek/nerd too ... I never thought that he would make a move that why I kept on dating other guys at the same time... but to my surprise ... he did, even thought a really didn't want him too at the beginning lol
Long story short, we are still together and we are close to our two year anniversary. I think the moral of the story here is that you never know if you have a physical connection with him or not until actually give him a chance. But if you really have no attraction, feel love or whatever for him, you should leave him and stop losing both your and his time. There is no point in continuing something that is already over.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - haha. like i said, "despite what girls want you to think."
i liked today's posts--most of them illustrated in several different ways why i fucking hate girls.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - That is where we disagree.
I don't hate girls. I hate how many of them often behave "because they're girls" (that being their excuse for their own behaviors, not one that I'm making up as a general justification for my (non-existent) distaste of them for specific behaviors I'm collectively referring to). It doesn't take a religious person to understand that you should 'hate the sin, not the sinner'.
I fucking hate inequality with a passion and I was being ironic, not sarcastic. There is a huge difference between arrogantly being an asshole and deliberately acting like an asshole in a way that you clearly want the other person to pick up on as only acting.
In other words, I understand why you might feel that way, but none of the posts today are any excuse to continue to hate anyone.