Monday, 08 October 2012
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Forced Love
I have a typical case of, "The people I like don't like me, and I don't like the people that like me," syndrome. I know this sounds so full of it, but you actually really cannot force love.
Two of my ex boyfriends left me with the reason of, "I don't love you anymore," and I have always wondered why they couldn't try to love me again. I was quite upset that they wouldn't give me another chance, but I actually never saw where they came from because I always felt that if you decide to be in a relationship with someone, you should be responsible enough to try to love them. But recently, I finally realized that the right thing to do is not to try and love someone, but to let them go all in all.Mr. Zero (I'll call him Mr. Zero for now since I have no better name to call him) had been expressing his interest in me for a while and I have turned him down a couple of times. But because of his persistence, well....
Long story short, I tried really hard to care and I tried really hard to like him by telling myself that he is good for me and he is good to me. I thought it was working at first because I could be really touched by the things he does, and I really enjoyed his company because in general, I thought he had a great sense of humour. But eventually, I realized the only emotions I could feel for him were never heartfelt.
Sure, he touched my heart with the amazing things he would do to make me smile, like giving me the best present of my life and coming to Vancouver to see me, but deep inside I knew that smiles were never enough to turn something into a relationship. I care for him, and I want the best for him, but I didn't see me in this equation.I know this sounds a little crazy seeing that we all want to be really happy in a relationship, but I don't believe in relationships without hardships, and I definitely do not believe in relationships where there are absolutely no hard feelings. Mr. Zero has done a couple of things that could really hurt me to the core, but instead of taking complete offense and being upset by it for a really long time, I actually didn't mind and I brushed it off really quickly.
I mean, I won't deny that in the moment I wasn't upset, but whatever this sadness was became my wake-up call: I don't like him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him, I need to stop this from going any further.If I love someone I will embrace his flaws. I wasn't embracing Mr. Zero's flaws, I was simply not bothered. Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you'd miss them, and honestly, I wouldn't want to kill him. He had not done anything to break my heart, and from the second day of knowing him I somehow already "friend zoned" him. I was blinded by all the happy thoughts and decided I made a mistake by friend-zoning him. Thank goodness I woke up quick.
What I am trying to say is, people love in their own manner, and the way I love is that I give the other person the most vulnerable part of me that they can break with the tiniest actions. If Mr. Zero could call me names and physically harm me and my heart still wouldn't break, it means quite literally - his actions did not leave a scar. Which means I can forgive him and move on extremely quickly. But if it was someone I loved, he could probably sadden me by just forgetting to say goodnight. Okay, I may have exaggerated on that part...or not.
I am not sure if I have mapped my thoughts out clearly. Do you guys understand what I mean? Do you feel similarly?
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About the Author
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- From: joeykwan
- Name: Joey Kwan
- About Me: Forgiving girl, unforgiving world ♥ Born in Hong Kong, educated in Canada and the United Kingdom. BA-Communications holder (Minor in Publishing), MSc International Relations and Political Science Candidate, silly, and a hopeless romantic. Dedicated to blogging about anything and everything, because everything and anything can be accomplished with and through love, just as love is can be found throughout every aspect of life. Please feel free to follow me on my blog, or my other sites if you are interested: Instagram: @joeyykwann Twitter: @joeyykwann Weibo: http://www.weibo.com/JoeyyKwann
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Comments (26)
"Mr. Zero has done a couple of things that could really hurt me to the core, but instead of taking complete offense and being upset by it for a really long time, I actually didn't mind and I brushed it off really quickly."
Apparently you were bothered as this was in the next paragraph:
"I mean, I won't deny that in the moment I wasn't upset, but whatever this sadness was became my wake-up call: I don't like him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him, I need to stop this from going any further."
Just saying.
"I know this sounds a little crazy seeing that we all want to be really happy in a relationship, butI don't believe in relationships without hardships, and I definitely do not believe in relationships where there are absolutely no hard feelings."
"Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you'd miss them, and honestly, I wouldn't want to kill him."
Your logic seems flawed here (or, at least, flawed if you're speaking in general terms, as you seem to be).
Most relationships have some bad moments. There's nothing wrong with that. People get irritated with and/or infuriated with each other, and that doesn't detract from their love.
But... defining love in terms of those moments of hardships and anger simply does not mesh with my conception of what love is. Certainly those in love are more willing to endure for one another, but I don't feel like wanting to kill them is a prerequisite for love. It might just be me, but I connect love much more with caring about someone, wanting to be with them, connecting with them, and being happier because they're in your life. Sure, moments that aren't rose petals and rainbows happen, but even in those moments, I think feeling "love" is feeling the care for the other person regardless of what the struggle is.
Obviously, your mileage may vary. It's individualistic. Your logic on it just seems off to me in relation to my own experiences.
Way too many words. I was like, " huh?" Then I was like, "what?" an then, uh, I got a little bored. Something about zero.....
I know how you feel because when I was in college I started doing more than just touching n such. I started thinking about the relationship n stuff and it took all the fun out of it
"The opposite of love isn't hate... it's Apathy."
I'm a big believer in love developing over time, and not closing yourself off to potential partners who are just good friends right now, but the flip side of that is... you'll still need friends in the future, and it just would be too exhausting to fall in love with all of them. As far as struggling and trying hard go... in my experience, the struggle was never to love someone, it was to deal with all the things that made it difficult to stay together. If you are having to struggle to have feelings, then I think you are making the correct choice by not sticking with someone. If you've given it an honest shot and feelings never developed, that's an okay outcome. Shake hands and part ways, and smile at other boys. I really respect you for trying to stick with things even without a fairytale setting and fireworks going off... I think too many women look for that, and when they can't find it, just settle for the fattest wallet they can find. Much respect.
Keep smiling, I believe there's always people out there for thoughtful, considerate, educated, caring people.
don't define love by a quote....Wake up! if you want to kill someone, you don't love them.
oh wow, you're from vancouver? i'm semi-envious. i just went to visit a couple weeks ago and OH MY GOD the girls are almost new york quality! liquor is hella expensive in canadia though :(
"can't buy me love" as beatles strongly hinted back during the cold war (but not between sexes)
still true last time i checked..
it's simple - if he doesn't move u ==> don't move.. :)
Sounds like you are really saying that you didn't have sexual chemistry with this guy.
Oh, and, "Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you'd miss them"...No. You're doing it wrong. Any married person will tell you that when you get to the "rest of your life" part, you CAN NOT be wanting to kill them. I guess it looks good in movies though.@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - My step-grandmother is Canadian... my grandpa would warn you away... lol. Although, he sure does like to visit, so maybe there's something there. Lol.
"love" is actually a chemical reaction in the brain that wears off after approximately 18 months. Most people bail out when the buzz is gone. Real relationships happen when people are mature enough to realize some things are worth holding onto even after the love buzz fades. This is "real love".
So don't feel bad if someone dumps you because they "don't love you anymore". They probably never actually "loved" you, you just gave them a buzz. Not very romantic, but it's true.
I think I know what you're talking about, in a sense. When it really comes down to it, you need chemistry for a relationship to work. There has to be sparks between you and the person you're with or else being with that person can very well be like any other relationship--just ordinary. Reminds me of this quote:
"Unless it is a mad, passionate, extraordinary love--it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them." --Unknown
Really? You want to be in a relationship where you want to kill your partner? I know not literally... But still... The idea is dumb as fuck. If you feel this way, then I don't believe it's a relationship that you need... It's a therapist.
@bombshell_couture@xanga - Very true! This is why I only date girls with multiple personality dissorder. That way,every few days you get to "fall in love" with someone new!
You're right, you can't force love in the sense of emotional and physical attraction. In most new relationships, you do get a buzz of good chemistry and if you never get that in the beginning and are simply not attracted to that person in a sexual or emotional way, it's a good idea to say good bye. Sometimes attraction can grow after getting to know a person but I wouldn't recommend dating someone unless you do feel attraction to them. It won't be fulfilling to either person involved.
love is giving my favorite basket of cupcakes to him and he loves cupcakes with a passion, too, yet he saves at least one cupcake for me
if it is true love, then he won't chomp on the cupcakes by himself like a crazed monster, but wait for me, so that we may enjoy the cupcakes together
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - hmm maybe he's just trying to keep them to himself? hahaha.
@bombshell_couture@xanga - i'd be interested in seeing a source on this, if you have one.
p.s. i am like totally in love with your heels.
"Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you'd miss them, and honestly, I wouldn't want to kill him." what the fuck?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - thanks! I will try to find the original article I read this in as it was a reputable source, and I will visit you on your site and leave you a link!
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Lol, maybe. They're both weird, regardless of place of origin.
You put it very well actually. Stay true to your heart. Anything else would be artificial.
@bombshell_couture@xanga - awesome, looking forward to it :)
I feel exactly the same way. You really can't force yourself to have feelings for someone no matter how good for you you think that they might be, or how amazing they are and how much you wish you should like them. (I wish it worked that way, I'd be happily married right now.)
@amateurprose@xanga -ahahahahahahahahahaha ridic man just ridic
@amateurprose@xanga - heeheehee finally something that makes sense to me.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - what if he loves cupcakes so much he sits outside your window and watches you make them!?!?!
heeheehee