Monday, 08 October 2012
I have a typical case of, "The people I like don't like me, and I don't like the people that like me," syndrome. I know this sounds so full of it, but you actually really cannot force love.
Two of my ex boyfriends left me with the reason of, "I don't love you anymore," and I have always wondered why they couldn't try to love me again. I was quite upset that they wouldn't give me another chance, but I actually never saw where they came from because I always felt that if you decide to be in a relationship with someone, you should be responsible enough to try to love them. But recently, I finally realized that the right thing to do is not to try and love someone, but to let them go all in all.
Mr. Zero (I'll call him Mr. Zero for now since I have no better name to call him) had been expressing his interest in me for a while and I have turned him down a couple of times. But because of his persistence, well....
Long story short, I tried really hard to care and I tried really hard to like him by telling myself that he is good for me and he is good to me. I thought it was working at first because I could be really touched by the things he does, and I really enjoyed his company because in general, I thought he had a great sense of humour. But eventually, I realized the only emotions I could feel for him were never heartfelt.
Sure, he touched my heart with the amazing things he would do to make me smile, like giving me the best present of my life and coming to Vancouver to see me, but deep inside I knew that smiles were never enough to turn something into a relationship. I care for him, and I want the best for him, but I didn't see me in this equation.
I know this sounds a little crazy seeing that we all want to be really happy in a relationship, but I don't believe in relationships without hardships, and I definitely do not believe in relationships where there are absolutely no hard feelings. Mr. Zero has done a couple of things that could really hurt me to the core, but instead of taking complete offense and being upset by it for a really long time, I actually didn't mind and I brushed it off really quickly.
I mean, I won't deny that in the moment I wasn't upset, but whatever this sadness was became my wake-up call: I don't like him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him, I need to stop this from going any further.
If I love someone I will embrace his flaws. I wasn't embracing Mr. Zero's flaws, I was simply not bothered. Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you'd miss them, and honestly, I wouldn't want to kill him. He had not done anything to break my heart, and from the second day of knowing him I somehow already "friend zoned" him. I was blinded by all the happy thoughts and decided I made a mistake by friend-zoning him. Thank goodness I woke up quick.
What I am trying to say is, people love in their own manner, and the way I love is that I give the other person the most vulnerable part of me that they can break with the tiniest actions. If Mr. Zero could call me names and physically harm me and my heart still wouldn't break, it means quite literally - his actions did not leave a scar. Which means I can forgive him and move on extremely quickly. But if it was someone I loved, he could probably sadden me by just forgetting to say goodnight. Okay, I may have exaggerated on that part...or not.
I am not sure if I have mapped my thoughts out clearly. Do you guys understand what I mean? Do you feel similarly?