Let me just start out by saying that this blog is going to be a long one.
My boyfriend (well, ex boyfriend now) and I met in college a little over 5 years ago. I thought for sure he was going to be the guy I would marry and be with the rest of my life! I became so comfortable with him; more comfortable than I ever have been with anyone else before. I instantly fell in love with him. He would always tell me how crazy he was about me, and how much he loved me.
I guess once we got comfortable, things changed.
He became very selfish and I never wanted to see the tell-tale red flags.
About a year or so after we started dating, he decided to make a decision without even talking to me or mentioning it.
He was going to quit the college we were going to and
attend another one 3 hours away. This is when I believe the relationship turned for the worse. We broke up 3 weeks after we left. However, we ended up getting back together a couple of months later.
I should have left then, but I didn't because I loved him. I still love him. This past summer we survived... or so I thought! We were both done with school, we graduated college, and I was ready to get the rest of my life started. When he got home from school, he was finally ready to start talking about marriage and moving in together and I was so excited because I had been pushing for this for a couple of years.
Well in July after I had my graduation party, we broke up. We got into a really big fight about something that didn't even matter, but this was not out of the ordinary since we would bicker about the dumbest things.
He told me he needed space and time to think. I was so confused!
He was just talking to me about getting engaged and now he needs space? He told me that I was too controlling and that I had a lot of things that I needed to change about myself before we tried again, because he didn't want to get back together and then break up once more. I started seeing two different therapists thinking that there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was controlling and maybe I did freak out too much; maybe I did need help with my anger.
We hung out every day during this time from July until September. We were still sleeping together, and when I would bring up the relationship, he would say that he didn't want to talk about it and that I needed to just, "go with the flow."
He said that he wanted to date other people and that I should, too. So me being an idiot, I just let him do what he wanted. I told him if he slept with anyone else I would never talk to him again.
He swore he didn't have sex with anyone else and that I was the only one. Well, he had been "kind of" seeing this girl that went to the college he went to. None of this made sense to me. He said she was going to be moving to Florida, which is like 3000 miles away from where we live. It just didn't make any sense to me. Why would he date someone who wasn't even going to be around?
One day, he left his Facebook up and I went to her page. Mind you, we had hung out before my boyfriend and I broke up, and we were friends on Facebook. (After the break-up, she removed me.) Anyway, I went to her page to check it out.
I scrolled all the way down to August, and noticed it said she was pregnant! I was like no way could this be his kid. He has never had sex with her, right?
I asked him, "Why are you dating someone who is pregnant?" He said he had no idea she was pregnant, then asked how I found out. He then got mad at me because I wouldn't tell him how I found out. He said he doesn't know who the kid's dad is. Again, I questioned him, "Why would you date her? I just don't get it..."
He said he just liked hanging out with her and that he had never slept with her. I believed him. This was a person I thought I could trust with my life!
Well, a couple of weeks later I was on Facebook again and I saw on a mutual friend's page that she had posted, "Happy bday from me and (hisname)! Oh and baby, too." I knew then that it was his kid and that he was lying to me. I called and asked him again, but he still denied it. After another attempt the next day,
he finally admitted it to me and said he was sorry.
That was it! I totally lost it! Screaming, crying, freaking out, everything! How could he give what he had once promised me to another woman?
He wont even talk to me in person. I told him, "I thought you loved me... how could you?" He said, "How could I have loved you if I never told you?" I still haven't gotten a conversation in person. To top it all off, he then accuses me of having cheated on him before! Is he fucking kidding me? He's going to try to turn this on me?
Then he says he just needs lots of space from me. Space from me? Again, he did this! He should owe -me- something!
He said he was confused because he was trying to negotiate with her all summer to get an abortion or to put it up for adoption and she wouldn't, so now he has to take responsibility.
Why would she want to be with someone who doesn't want the baby?
Why would I want someone who lied to me? Why do I still love him? Why am I trying to find all of these answers that I am never going to get?
Why do I keep holding on waiting for him to come back to me? Is there something wrong with me? I am so confused; so lost! I feel so destroyed, like I have wasted many years of my life!
I am 25 and was hoping I had found the one that I was finally going to marry and start a family with! Now he's stuck with someone he doesn't even know well. I just don't understand any of this... my heart is shattered. I wake up every morning with the most intense anxiety I have ever had in my life. It's dreadful! And I still keep trying to get him to make me feel better about it, when there is nothing he can do.
I could use some insight.
I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel that I will never be able to trust again, and that scares me. Or that I will never be able to have children. It all scares me so much!
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Comments (51)
Leave this douche bag behind. Unless you want to deal with baby mamma drama. Even if he gets back together with you what makes you think he'll stay faithful to you? Did this really need to be posted?
Why would you want a guy that got someone else pregnant while he was still very much on with you? Good lord have some self respect. I hate the excuse because you're used to everything you had with this guy that makes you want to still stay. There are other fish in the sea. You're lucky you dodged a bullet the other woman will now have to deal with his cheating ways and with him possibly being a dead beat dad. Sounds like she kept the baby to try to keep him around.
I am not sure why she kept the baby he tells me nothing. He is a complete asshole and has tried making me think that this is my fault. He now calls my friends to relay messages to me about things on my facebook. Its very immature! I will never understand it! I just hope he gets his karma
@alisha06 - Don't worry, he will! Just sit back and live your life without him. With the way he's behaving he'll get his. He'll probably end up leaving that woman he got pregnant and she will sue him for child support. Ignore any messages from him through your friends or anyone he tries to reach you with. Don't let him get to you.
Its hard not to let him get to me. I am trying but it makes me so angry that my friends even talk to him. They need to keep our friendships separate now. He probably treats her really well. I am not sure, but he treats me like shit and makes me feel bad about the situation when he screwed up. All I want is an apology that I will never get. I guess my fear is that he will turn into the guy I always wanted him to be, he has already given away what I have always wanted. I know I sound pathetic.
@alisha06 - If you have "friends" that are still talking to him even though they know what he did to you then they are not your friends. It may seem hard right now but drop those friends that are talking to him as well. I was by myself for a while after I dropped some bad friends. Then I met new people, even if it may be one or two at a time and got better friends. You don't need his toxic kind of lifestyle in your life. It's not worth it. He won't be able to give you the full attention that you want/need, especially since he has another woman's baby and is with another woman.
Minus the baby part this sounds exactly like my ex and I. We dated for five years, we continued to hang out after we broke up which he claimed was due to distance, freaked out if I started to date anyone else, told me I was controlling, to go with the flow, etc etc. We weren't friends on Facebook. He lived in Texas and I live in California (which wasn't the case the entire relationship) and we went to Boston together over summer. The day after we came back I snooped on his Facebook and it turned out he had been in a relationship months before we had even broken up, and it had been almost a year since we had broken up. The best thing to do is just to say good riddance and move on. It sucks to have put that much into a person that you love that much, but you have to know that if he loved you he would not have put you through all that. My ex claimed he hadn't wanted to hurt me so he hadn't told me, but he had continued to visit me and went on a vacation with me. He also tried to blame everything on me. People like that are disgusting. You do not need him in your life. You're hurt which is why you have all those feelings, but time really does heal all wounds. I found out everything in July and once I let it go I was amazed at how quickly I was able to get over him.
It doesn't feel this way now, but believe me, you will look back later and realize you dodged a huge bullet. And maybe he will be the guy you wanted him to be with someone else, but that's kinda just more proof that you shouldn't be together. And that there's someone better for you out there who will respect you, be honest with you, and not fail to mention they've gotten someone else pregnant. I wouldn't wait around for an apology, I'd try to move on.
you have to move on. my boyfriend promised me all those things, cheated,
and tried to blame it on me. I said it the exact same way as you "my
heart is shattered"
its really a shame that something that started out so good came to this.
but after years of trying with someone everyone tells me isnt good for
me, srsly even i know i just couldnt admit it, im moving on. hardest
decision of my life because i love/loved him so much. its such an easy
thing to say but i meant it everytime i said it and everytime we made
love.
moving on is hard, but i think putting myself back out there with
friends and making new memories so i stop thinking about the old ones
help. good luck =/
don't hang on to him for the sake of marriage... but yeah, he doesn't owe you anything - you owe yourself to leave him behind.
and your urge for revenge is possibly very overwhelming right now, but the best revenge is no revenge, or you might accidentally end up screwing yourself over. you're still young and theres plenty of time to find a better man
I am really trying to move on trust me! I have been hanging out with friends and not staying home alone. Its just hard because I am afraid I wont find that comfort with someone else. I am so afraid of soo many things! I just keep replaying it in my head of what happened and I know that it doesnt make it any easier when I do that. I just pray that things work out for me!
I'm sorry you had to deal with such a lying cheating piece of shit. I hope I am to never meet someone like him, its hard to fathom how anyway can have such disregard for a person. I feel you were ignorant in some of your decisions with him and he played off your weaknesses. I understand though, when you love someone and want to be with them its easy to look past faults. View this as a learning experience and be glad its not you with his baby. In a way, fate has granted you from wasting anymore time on this person. Find someone worthy, that appreciates what you want and who you are. Best of luck in the future!
I am really sorry this happened to you, but you are going to have to move on. Dwelling on what you had, what could have been, and what he has now only lets you hang on to the pain. Let him go. You can find someone that will treat you well and want the same things in life that you do.
Nobody's stuck with anybody. If he doesn't want to deal with her or the kid, all he has to do is give up his rights to the child. He won't be paying her any child support, and she won't be obligated to let him see the baby. If he really wanted out of the situation, he'd get out of it. It sounds like they're both loving the drama that this has caused.
The only thing about this story that makes no sense is why you even still want to associate with him. He sounds like an irresponsible, dishonest jackass. You best turn around and look elsewhere. You won't find what you want with him. Unless you've got a thing for drama, too.
I know it sounds cliche, but give it time. it's going to SUCK for a long, long time. but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
I was with my ex for 4yrs. started dating senior year of hs, broke up freshman year of college, got back together and stayed together until I graduated. he was a year older than me so he started college the year before me and in the midst of all of this he got kicked out of school so many times, he was technically a sophomore when I graduated. but I didn't care bc I loved him and I was going to help him figure out his life and we would get married and live happily ever after.anyway leading up to my graduation he started acting very weird. he actually didn't even come to my graduation. and that hurt my feelings but I thought, ok maybe he's feeling insecure. I'll be a good girlfriend and be supportive, etc. I started my fellowship and my grad classes a month after graduation so I had 14 hour days Monday - Friday but he made me feel like shit that I didn't come visit him on the weekends (btw never once came to visit me).we ended up breaking up a month later. I cried and cried. I thought my world was ending, but then I decided ok maybe we should be friends because I still cared about him. all fine then i find out a WEEK after we break up that he moved to Florida. I was like whoa wtf how did you manage to move within a week, clearly you were planning this when we were still together. but I even let that slide and still stayed friends with him. he was constantly telling me he missed me. and that he was doing this to be a better man for me so that we could have a future someday and I believed him.
fast forward 4 months and I get a nasty email from some girl telling me to leave her man alone. we go back and forth with me telling her we're just exes who are trying to remain friends (but in my head thinking, how the hell do you have a girlfriend when you're telling me you want a future for us). finally this girl says well I'm tired of you talking to him because we've been together for almost a year now so you need to let it go. I politely corrected her and said no that was impossible because we only broke up in July and it was now November. but turns out I was wrong! he was full on dating this girl for the last SIX MONTHS of our relationship and MOVED TO FLORIDA with her. ...yea.
needless to say I cut off all contact but he wouldn't let it go. he even contacted my parents to send me a surprise Christmas gift, which I promptly mailed back addressed to her with a note saying, "I think your boyfriend accidentally sent me your Christmas gift".I don't think I ever cried like that...ever. and the worst part was not having the closure. I had all these questions why. like why stay with me if you were planning on moving in with someone else? why tell me you want a future with me while you had a live-in girlfriend? why cheat after 4yrs of being together? it took me TWO years to finally get an answer out of him. he just couldn't be honest and own up to his responsibilities.
he still calls/texts/emails me about 3x a year, trying to get back in my good graces. the last text said, "I guess I'm just stubborn babe..." -__- ..yea. anyway it took me two years to learn to just ignore him and now, 4yrs later I look back and think wow what a colossal waste of time. I'm so disgusted by the thought of him and if anyone with those qualities ever approached me now they wouldn't get within 5 feet.
so yea it took 3 years. that's real life. and it will suck. and you will feel weak and you'll want to go back and make excuses and hope he'll change. but he won't because he's a liar and manipulator. and that level of deception doesn't dissipate with age or experience, it just gets worse. so stick in there. you'll make some mistakes. you might even entertain taking him back. but eventually you'll look back and your only thought will be, "geez, what a douche".
This is so sad. He is such an asshole! This is why it's hard to believe people when they say "no, I would never do that, I love you." Cuz then you're slapped in the face with them doing exactly what they said they wouldn't do! Disgusting. I too wanted to be wed by now. Be finished with school, have a career! But life does't work like that. Appreciate the fact that this insensitive, unappreciative man is out of your life and run!!! Never talk to him again. Be with a man who isn't a jack ass. -___- Ugh. This guys an asshole. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You deserve way better.
Well that is just awful. I'm sorry you had all your love and hope tied into someone that ended up hurting you and wasting your time, especially since you put out so much effort to try and make things work. You actually went and saw therapists to try and figure things out...that's quite a measure of loyalty.
It's also too bad the internet creates so many problems with drama and dragging out of things as well as easy outs for people who don't have the moxie to talk to someone in person, like you aren't even worth a good explanation. You don't even have to break up with someone anymore you can just message them or change your relationship status.
It will probably take awhile but you'll start feeling better eventually. Someone else will come along and you may be guarded and unsure about trust but these things take time. You're only 25...you have plenty of time for new romance and starting a family but the sooner you stop blaming yourself and worrying about things you can't control, the sooner you can deal with what you can.
Going after the title alone here: "Cheating ex who got another woman pregnant". Whatever you're wanting to do with him, DON'T. There's no reason to speak to someone who does that. Your life will be better without him.
@::sigh:: - Yea that is terrible!! So you know exactly what I am going through! He wants absolutely nothing to do with me though nothing! I went off on the girl he got pregnant, she tried telling me that I left him when this happened. I was like ummm no I dont think so!! We didnt break up until July and you guys hooked up in MAY!! We were together and she knew we were together! Then she said well I know you were here all summer! I wouldnt let her get a word in I just went balistic! Asking her how it felt to ruin a relationship, she said we werent together that bitch! I went nuts on him too because he called my friend to relay a message to me! I was so mad that my friend would even tell me about it! I am so mad at myself for even talking to him for even calling him, because it did no good, all it did was make him hate me more for what he did! Then he tried telling me that he never said he wanted an abortion or to give the baby up he said he didnt say it that way which is BULLSHIT!!! So I told her just remember you are having a baby THAT HE DIDNT WANT!! We fought about kids for years! He never wanted them! And it makes me soooooooo sick that he gave everything I wanted to someone else! I know I should just get over it, but its so hard when things just re play in my head! I cant even look at babies right now, I cant even talk about them. And when I think about being with someone else and being comfortable it makes me extremely nervous!
this guy has shown complete disrespect for you and he is NOT the kind of person you want to be spending the rest of your life with. in my mind, the fact that he slept with another girl, got her pregnant, and then continually lied about it isn't even the big issue, it's the fact that once confronted with it, he doesn't even show you enough respect to explain his thoughts/feelings/situation, and hear your opinion, in person. his attempts to turn the blame on you shows his immaturity, and his lack of regard for your feelings.
you still love this guy and want to be with him because its something familiar, and because you're scared to start over from square one with someone else. 25 isn't that old, and you have plenty of time to start worrying about a family with someone who is going to love and respect you and your future family. starting a family with this guy will be a terrible decision, and you deserve better. don't let your emotions overtake your reasoning- this guy will bring you nothing in the future, so it's best to be the bigger person, wish him the best with his future child, and start anew.
also, if you're having anxiety and stress, look into seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. i've seen a psychiatrist for years for adhd and generalized anxiety and i can't emphasize how great it is to have someone listen to your problems and situation that has no stake in the outcome. they can truly provide an outlook that will be best for you, without letting history or emotions get involved. best of luck to you, and stay strong.
Let me tell you my story. I think that hearing the stories of others who have been through similar things and seeing the lessons they've learned can help you through the hardest parts. Still, what you do with your life is up to you. I hope you try to learn from our mistakes and do what's best for you, no matter how hard it is right now.
I fell head over heels for this guy my senior year of high school. He was dangerous. He was exciting. He was good to me. He was passionate. I loved him. I fell hard for him. When i graduated and went to college, I was living 3 1/2 hours away. He didn't like it. It was hard. He wanted to see me, to be with me, but he was too broke to ever reach me. I went to him when I could and we talked often. Over summer, I was with him nearly every day. We were such good friends.
When I went back to school, he once again begged me not to be so far away. I knew I had to go for my education's sake, so we remained long-distance. I knew it was hard for him.
He never had much money and was living with several other people in a house they were renting at the time. He told me that they were adding a new roommate to help with the bills and started telling me all about HER. Yes, a girl roommate. I was very trusting of him, but I said that as long as they didn't share a bed or do anything stupid, then I had no problem with her being there. He's got to make ends meet, right? At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
It turns out that she quickly became a replacement for me since I was so far away. He'd talk to me and snuggle with her. She was the type of woman who enjoys taking other people's men. She lived for the hunt and the chase. He said he loved me, but he was spending his nights with her. She knew his conflict and she knew his weakness. She exploited them and he gave in. He swore he didn't sleep with her, but it was only a matter of time before I got smart and realized that he was probably lying to me. I was still with him and I was still sleeping with him, because I loved him and I didn't want to lose him. I had fought so hard to be with him through it all, that I wasn't going to let her win.
In the end, though, she did win. She ended up twisting everything around so that it was all somehow my fault, talking to him every day about how difficult being with me was and magnifying all our relationship issues in his mind. He ended up leaving me, and I was crushed. For days, I could barely do anything at all. Because I was in college and so far away, my life had to go on and I eventually began to get over him, even though it still hurt.
He called me a few months later, saying that she wasn't all he though she would be and that he missed me. He started to think that he made a mistake by leaving me. Now that the thrill of the chase was over, this girl showed her true colors. They weren't pretty. My heart jumped at his words. I still loved him. I wanted him back. We never got the chance to talk about possibly getting back together though, because soon, she was pregnant. She saw that she was losing him and went off her birth control to keep him. He's the type of guy that would not ever walk away from his children. He resented her and wanted me, but he decided to try to work things out with her because of his daughter.
Fast forward a year, and they've moved to another state, gone into debt, gotten married under common law, moved back to Texas and in with his parents, and finally, got divorced after drugs and cheating made it clear that she was not going to be a good mother to their daughter. He was awarded custody of his daughter and lived at home while raising her with his parents' help. This is when he started talking to me once again. By this point, I was realizing what kind of person he was. Yes, not all of this was his fault, but he did make the decisions and he went along with it. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave me. He chose to believe her lies. He chose to be an awful person to me when we broke up. I decided that he was not worth the time anymore. I was happy. I had moved on.
He began being irresponsible again. He had very little money and a lot of debt. He partied too much and wanted physical pleasure without having to be tied down. He was a good father, yes, but not a good boyfriend. He ended up sleeping with a much younger woman, one that was very jealous and wanted to keep him to herself. So, she also got pregnant.
Now, he has two daughters by two different women. He is engaged to the second one even though, at the time we were talking, he swore that he did not love her and was only using her for sex. He explained that to her too, that it was physical only and there were no feelings. Of course, after she got pregnant, he suddenly claimed to love her. Maybe he does, but I've heard it before. I know that he will not change. He will always be (and always was) selfish and prone to cheating.
I have now been in a 4 year relationship and I live with a man who loves me and respects me. Looking back, I am so glad that I got out of it when I did. I'm so glad that it wasn't me that he got pregnant. I'm so glad that things ended up the way they did. He's in debt, still hasn't finished his ASSOCIATES degree (in Psychology), is divorced, has two children with different mothers, and is engaged. I am 24 and I have a bachelor's degree from a great school, continuing education with the Appraisal Institiute, a great entry-level job with potential to grow into a career, money in savings, a new car, and a great boyfriend who would never dream of treating me the way my ex did.
Life will turn around. Hold strong. Make it through the bad stuff. When your heart tells you you can't, just grit your teeth and push through anyway. You can do this. And it will be worth it. Time will show you exactly what you AREN'T missing out on by being without him.
This is something I feel for you on. Not often do I give out my sympathy but also empathy considering I have been through the ringer like this.
There comes a time in everyone's life that something this damaging occurs. You cling because it is all you have known for so long... you love him because you try to deny his bad intentions... you cry because you honestly know this has all fallen apart...
Now it is time for you to realize you have hit rock bottom. In terms of all the time you have spent with him... consider it now a big learning phase.
I think the hardest part is just realizing that you made a mistake... you chose a wrong guy because you thought he could give you everything you ever wanted. You are a victim here... and that may be a new concept to you depending on how strong you are as a person (I wouldn't for the longest time). Realize you have been hurt and find the strength to get away. Emotional abuse like this... is the worst because you never see it coming even though it is like a truck going 120 down the road.
Leave.... breathe.... heal... deal and then try again (someone new) with your new found information about yourself.
I wish you all the best.
Get revenge. Then drop him
@alisha06 - When you think about your feelings for him, just remember what he did and it will become easier to forget about him. If it were me and someone did that to me, I wouldn't give them a second thought because they don't deserve a second thought. Don't worry not all guys are like that and you will find somebody better for you. Do you really want to be with someone who got someone else pregnant? I hope not. Someone else will promise you the same things and they will actually treat you right. The best revenge is to live your life without him.
One day, you will be able to be in a relationship again. But right now, you need to take time to grieve and heal. It's not an easy road to walk but it is essential for your well-being. There are better guys out there who will not cheat on you and disrespect you like your ex did. Things may seem hopeless in the midst of all your pain but you will find love again. A healthier, reciprocated love.
I know what it's like to love someone who has done terrible things, but let me tell you, IT'S NOT LOVE when you feel something, but don't like all of his core principles.
Surely you don't love that he cheated.
Surely you don't love that he'd want to leave instead of staying near you.
Surely you don't love that he VERBALLY ABUSES YOU by telling you that all of your negative feelings toward him are somehow YOUR FAULT.
Surely you don't love that by him being a royal douche and a half you FELT THE NEED TO GO TO THERAPY.
Surely you don't love that when he knocked up some random girl he'd rather TELL HER TO KILL IT THAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
That is NOT love. You love who he COULD have been. Who you WANTED him to be. That man doesn't exist, and you need to cope with that.You need to respect yourself, because you aren't. No matter what HE'S MADE YOU THINK, you ARE worth your own respect. It's not your fault he's the scum of the earth, it's his, and he's way luckier than he should be that you've tried to stick it out.
FORGET HIM AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!