Let me just start out by saying that this blog is going to be a long one.
My boyfriend (well, ex boyfriend now) and I met in college a little over 5 years ago. I thought for sure he was going to be the guy I would marry and be with the rest of my life! I became so comfortable with him; more comfortable than I ever have been with anyone else before. I instantly fell in love with him. He would always tell me how crazy he was about me, and how much he loved me.
I guess once we got comfortable, things changed.
He became very selfish and I never wanted to see the tell-tale red flags.
About a year or so after we started dating, he decided to make a decision without even talking to me or mentioning it. He was going to quit the college
we were going to and attend another one 3 hours away
. This is when I believe the relationship turned for the worse. We broke up 3 weeks after we left. However, we ended up getting back together a couple of months later.
I should have left then, but I didn't because I loved him. I still love him. This past summer we survived... or so I thought! We were both done with school, we graduated college, and I was ready to get the rest of my life started. When he got home from school, he was finally ready to start talking about marriage and moving in together and I was so excited because I had been pushing for this for a couple of years.
Well in July after I had my graduation party, we broke up. We got into a really big fight about something that didn't even matter, but this was not out of the ordinary since we would bicker about the dumbest things. He told me he needed space and time to think
. I was so confused! He was just talking to me about getting engaged and now he needs space?
He told me that I was too controlling and that I had a lot of things that I needed to change about myself before we tried again, because he didn't want to get back together and then break up once more. I started seeing two different therapists thinking that there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was controlling and maybe I did freak out too much; maybe I did need help with my anger.
We hung out every day during this time from July until September. We were still sleeping together, and when I would bring up the relationship, he would say that he didn't want to talk about it and that I needed to just, "go with the flow." He said that he wanted to date other people and that I should, too
. So me being an idiot, I just let him do what he wanted. I told him if he slept with anyone else I would never talk to him again.
He swore he didn't have sex with anyone else and that I was the only one. Well, he had been "kind of" seeing this girl that went to the college he went to. None of this made sense to me. He said she was going to be moving to Florida, which is like 3000 miles away from where we live. It just didn't make any sense to me. Why would he date someone who wasn't even going to be around?
One day, he left his Facebook up and I went to her page. Mind you, we had hung out before my boyfriend and I broke up, and we were friends on Facebook. (After the break-up, she removed me.) Anyway, I went to her page to check it out. I scrolled all the way down to August, and noticed it said she was pregnant!
I was like no way could this be his kid. He has never had sex with her, right?
I asked him, "Why are you dating someone who is pregnant?" He said he had no idea she was pregnant, then asked how I found out. He then got mad at me because I wouldn't tell him how I found out. He said he doesn't know who the kid's dad is. Again, I questioned him, "Why would you date her? I just don't get it..." He said he just liked hanging out with her and that he had never slept with her
. I believed him. This was a person I thought I could trust with my life!
Well, a couple of weeks later I was on Facebook again and I saw on a mutual friend's page that she had posted, "Happy bday from me and (hisname)! Oh and baby, too." I knew then that it was his kid and that he was lying to me. I called and asked him again, but he still denied it. After another attempt the next day, he finally admitted it to me and said he was sorry
That was it! I totally lost it! Screaming, crying, freaking out, everything! How could he give what he had once promised me to another woman? He wont even talk to me in person
. I told him, "I thought you loved me... how could you?" He said, "How could I have loved you if I never told you?" I still haven't gotten a conversation in person. To top it all off, he then accuses me of having cheated on him before! Is he fucking kidding me? He's going to try to turn this on me?
Then he says he just needs lots of space from me. Space from me? Again, he did this! He should owe -me- something! He said he was confused because he was trying to negotiate with her all summer to get an abortion or to put it up for adoption and she wouldn't
, so now he has to take responsibility.
Why would she want to be with someone who doesn't want the baby? Why would I want someone who lied to me? Why do I still love him?
Why am I trying to find all of these answers that I am never going to get? Why do I keep holding on waiting for him to come back to me? Is there something wrong with me?
I am so confused; so lost! I feel so destroyed, like I have wasted many years of my life!
I am 25 and was hoping I had found the one that I was finally going to marry and start a family with! Now he's stuck with someone he doesn't even know well. I just don't understand any of this... my heart is shattered. I wake up every morning with the most intense anxiety I have ever had in my life. It's dreadful! And I still keep trying to get him to make me feel better about it, when there is nothing he can do.
I could use some insight. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel that I will never be able to trust again, and that scares me. Or that I will never be able to have children. It all scares me so much!