Sunday, 07 October 2012
I am 28 and I have been with my partner for one year. Yes, I am gay. We have had an amazing relationship and we both agree that we are compatible on so many levels. However, my boyfriend woke up one day last week and asked, "Why do I not want to be around this guy any longer?"
When we met I was working out 6 days a week, had quit smoking, and I had friends and things to do, even though I always wanted to be with him. We decided to try living together and it worked out for a while, but it became too stressful. Over time we both stopped taking care of ourselves physically. We both agreed it was because we were getting comfortable in this relationship and sooner or later we would have to get back on track. We never really did....
I admit, I am the insecure one. The home body. The one who is satisfied with not going out 90% of the time. He is the social butterfly. Friends everywhere, and a million people always wanting to spend time with him. For a long while he rejected his social life to work on things with us, and because we genuinely had fun being together. You know, the kind of relationship where we would say the most random things and we would feel like only we were dumb enough to come up with it.
It was easy to laugh, and when we did fight, we talked about it and moved on. I began to get jealous when he went out without me though, or when we would be at a bar and some guy would flirt with him and he felt flattered but would then introduce me, almost like an afterthought. I just never felt flattered, more possessive than anything. And those are ugly qualities that I was wrong for.
He has more or less said that he just gets irritated by stupid things now, and he wants to see that I can provide for myself. And on that same breath, he needs to go out and have fun with his friends, and come home and be able to say, "I wish he was here to come home to." At this point I want it to work, and he hopes it does, because he really thinks our relationship is there, but we just need to be more independent of each other and not look so desperate or needy for a relationship. And that's just it, love is more than a feeling. It is a concept, a union, and something that should, and will have to be worked on in order to maintain it.
So we have decided to move apart for now. We both agreed to see a couple's counselor to try and pin-point what exactly it is we can do to accept the situation and make steps to move forward from it. In general, we both agree we don't want to lose what we have, we just need to feel that want of having it again.
We also need to take more time to focus on our individual needs that we have slacked on, because who wants to be with someone when it's too hard to imagine that they could ever be a good provider for themselves, let alone you?
More or less, I find it hard to allow the space at times, because I just want everything to be better, but I've realized that in order for us to start hanging out, having fun, and remembering why we fell in love, we can't cry and bring emotions and feelings to the table every time. It makes us keep distance because we want to get over this time period. For now, I am just leaving it in his hands to text or call, which he does. At least every other day he will tell me he loves me and he's thinking about me.
Love hurts sometimes.
What do you think? Have you been through similar rough patches? What did you do to make things right?