Saturday, 06 October 2012
Looking through the window of your past is never easy, especially if it has changed you or hurt you in anyway.
When I was 16 I met "A." At first he seemed like such a great guy. Always laughing and being silly; a very happy dude. Only when I got into a relationship with him did I realize the truth and he immediately presented his other side. He began to show signs of depression. Lots of red flags should have been blinding me, but I was infatuated believing myself to be in love. He was my first boyfriend and at the time I was going through a lonely phase, with my parents' separation.
Four months into our relationship, he began talking of suicide. At the time I was going to visit my mom out-of-state for the summer. He began talking about how he couldn't live without me. Over the next few years I began to hate those words. They were chains to me and I was terrified that if I broke up with him he would hurt himself. I knew he was capable of it. I can't explain it, but I just knew. He manipulated me in so many different ways. That summer was only the beginning.
The day before my flight we said our goodbyes over the phone. I cried and begged him not to hurt himself. He hung up on me. I called and called and called, afraid that if I stopped he would think I didn't care. Eventually when he finally picked up, somehow everything turned against me. He suddenly said if I wanted him to live I had to change. As naive as I was, I agreed in tears. His voice was different at the time. No sympathy. He didn't care that I was crying, he didn't care that he was hurting me.
Over the course of that summer nothing changed. He kept playing the suicide card and I kept falling into the same hole over and over again. My mom didn't know anything about the suicide, but she knew that I cried almost every day and that created instant rivalry between the two of them.
On one phone call he claimed that he loved me more then my mother and was willing to die for me. My mother not being one to back down, said she was willing to kill for me and that he could never compete with a mothers love. The fact that he even tried, made my mom's blood boil. But she couldn't convince me to break up with him. I kept believing I was in love. But I knew what I was really doing was making him out to be something he was not. But the moment he cheated on me that ideal shattered.
When that happened I was hurt and lost not knowing what to do. I forgave him, but it was never the same. After that, the suicide talk grew and his guilt over what he had done seemed to overwhelm him. I began cutting class trying to help him, trying to convince him that life was worth living. I honestly, til this day, can't say what he was so tormented about.
His problem seemed to be that he didn't appreciate life, took it for granted, making everything bigger then what it was. He had mental and emotional problems. My biggest mistake was thinking I could help him and not letting anyone know what I was going through. I shut the whole world out of my life. I distanced myself from family, friends and even social networking sites.
A. would have moments where the suicide talk would reach over the top and I would break down completely. I would get serious anxiety, cry my eyes out and beg him not to hurt myself. I think that boosted his ego and he would change. He became heartless and turned everything around so that it was my fault. Those moments were the worst and drove me insane.
Being with a suicidal boyfriend changed me. I never told anyone at first because I was afraid of breaking the infamous "trust issue" that most suicidals throw at their helpers. I was with A. for 3 years and over the course of those years many things happened that I can never explain in one article. I was manipulated, lied to and hurt in more ways then I ever thought possible.
It got so bad that I would start thinking that if he did commit suicide, then at least it would be over. These ugly thoughts scared me. How could someone think like that, right? I believed from the bottom of my heart that I would never escape this.
But finally I couldn't take it anymore, I held in as much as I could and opened up to my friends and family. I began to plan how I would break up with him, but planning didn't work. He began throwing one of his tantrums, wanting things his way; I gave up. I stood up and walked out the door. He was furious, I was shaking. He slammed the door in my face and in that moment everything hit me. I finally saw the man I had been with for 3 years.
On my way home he began sending me very ugly texts claiming that if I didn't turn back he would kill himself, but I just didn't care anymore. I was done caring for a man who didn't care for me or himself. That night he went everywhere looking for me. After he realized it was over, he tried overdosing himself and was admitted to the hospital four times.
Finally the world knew what I had known for years. His family and friends got him into therapy and antidepressants. I don't know what happened to him, just that hes still breathing. I guess he could live without me after all.
Today, a year later, I'm a different woman. A stronger 20-year-old woman. I don't tell this story for anyone to feel pity for me or even admiration. I want the world to know that even though suicide doesn't make the headline news, it is still a serious problem. For those that are in my position, please don't repeat my mistakes. If you know someone who is suicidal, you can't help them, don't try.
You are not a professional and no one deserves to hold the burden of someone else's life. If you truly love them then get them the help they need. You're only gonna hurt yourself trying to do it by yourself.
As for those in A's position, don't be afraid to ask for help and let others know, but don't make your loved one promise not to tell. If you want help, let them help. Suicide should never be the answer you seek. Life is beautiful and sometimes ugly. If you search for the bad, you will find it. If you search for the good, you will find it. But nothing is ever 100% hopeless. Everyone has in them the power to change their future. Don't wait as long as I did to do it.
Do you know anyone who is suicidal? Or have you been suicidal at one point in your life?