Saturday, 06 October 2012
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I Had a Suicidal Boyfriend
Looking through the window of your past is never easy, especially if it has changed you or hurt you in anyway.
When I was 16 I met "A." At first he seemed like such a great guy. Always laughing and being silly; a very happy dude. Only when I got into a relationship with him did I realize the truth and he immediately presented his other side. He began to show signs of depression. Lots of red flags should have been blinding me, but I was infatuated believing myself to be in love. He was my first boyfriend and at the time I was going through a lonely phase, with my parents' separation.
Four months into our relationship, he began talking of suicide. At the time I was going to visit my mom out-of-state for the summer. He began talking about how he couldn't live without me. Over the next few years I began to hate those words. They were chains to me and I was terrified that if I broke up with him he would hurt himself. I knew he was capable of it. I can't explain it, but I just knew. He manipulated me in so many different ways. That summer was only the beginning.
The day before my flight we said our goodbyes over the phone. I cried and begged him not to hurt himself. He hung up on me. I called and called and called, afraid that if I stopped he would think I didn't care. Eventually when he finally picked up, somehow everything turned against me. He suddenly said if I wanted him to live I had to change. As naive as I was, I agreed in tears. His voice was different at the time. No sympathy. He didn't care that I was crying, he didn't care that he was hurting me.
Over the course of that summer nothing changed. He kept playing the suicide card and I kept falling into the same hole over and over again. My mom didn't know anything about the suicide, but she knew that I cried almost every day and that created instant rivalry between the two of them.
On one phone call he claimed that he loved me more then my mother and was willing to die for me. My mother not being one to back down, said she was willing to kill for me and that he could never compete with a mothers love. The fact that he even tried, made my mom's blood boil. But she couldn't convince me to break up with him. I kept believing I was in love. But I knew what I was really doing was making him out to be something he was not. But the moment he cheated on me that ideal shattered.
When that happened I was hurt and lost not knowing what to do. I forgave him, but it was never the same. After that, the suicide talk grew and his guilt over what he had done seemed to overwhelm him. I began cutting class trying to help him, trying to convince him that life was worth living. I honestly, til this day, can't say what he was so tormented about.
His problem seemed to be that he didn't appreciate life, took it for granted, making everything bigger then what it was. He had mental and emotional problems. My biggest mistake was thinking I could help him and not letting anyone know what I was going through. I shut the whole world out of my life. I distanced myself from family, friends and even social networking sites.
A. would have moments where the suicide talk would reach over the top and I would break down completely. I would get serious anxiety, cry my eyes out and beg him not to hurt myself. I think that boosted his ego and he would change. He became heartless and turned everything around so that it was my fault. Those moments were the worst and drove me insane.
Being with a suicidal boyfriend changed me. I never told anyone at first because I was afraid of breaking the infamous "trust issue" that most suicidals throw at their helpers. I was with A. for 3 years and over the course of those years many things happened that I can never explain in one article. I was manipulated, lied to and hurt in more ways then I ever thought possible.
It got so bad that I would start thinking that if he did commit suicide, then at least it would be over. These ugly thoughts scared me. How could someone think like that, right? I believed from the bottom of my heart that I would never escape this.
But finally I couldn't take it anymore, I held in as much as I could and opened up to my friends and family. I began to plan how I would break up with him, but planning didn't work. He began throwing one of his tantrums, wanting things his way; I gave up. I stood up and walked out the door. He was furious, I was shaking. He slammed the door in my face and in that moment everything hit me. I finally saw the man I had been with for 3 years.
On my way home he began sending me very ugly texts claiming that if I didn't turn back he would kill himself, but I just didn't care anymore. I was done caring for a man who didn't care for me or himself. That night he went everywhere looking for me. After he realized it was over, he tried overdosing himself and was admitted to the hospital four times.
Finally the world knew what I had known for years. His family and friends got him into therapy and antidepressants. I don't know what happened to him, just that hes still breathing. I guess he could live without me after all.
Today, a year later, I'm a different woman. A stronger 20-year-old woman. I don't tell this story for anyone to feel pity for me or even admiration. I want the world to know that even though suicide doesn't make the headline news, it is still a serious problem. For those that are in my position, please don't repeat my mistakes. If you know someone who is suicidal, you can't help them, don't try.
You are not a professional and no one deserves to hold the burden of someone else's life. If you truly love them then get them the help they need. You're only gonna hurt yourself trying to do it by yourself.
As for those in A's position, don't be afraid to ask for help and let others know, but don't make your loved one promise not to tell. If you want help, let them help. Suicide should never be the answer you seek. Life is beautiful and sometimes ugly. If you search for the bad, you will find it. If you search for the good, you will find it. But nothing is ever 100% hopeless. Everyone has in them the power to change their future. Don't wait as long as I did to do it.Do you know anyone who is suicidal? Or have you been suicidal at one point in your life?
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- From: RomanticFantasyGirl@xanga
- Name: RomanticFantasyGirl
- About Me: I'm this really silly sometimes innocent super hyperactive maybe quirky girl. I can be extremely random, I have really weird dreams. I like coconuts a lot. I'm a Caribbean girl who loves soaking in the deep blue waters. Writing is my passion, my dream. Reading is my guilty pleasure. I like to go on rants from time to time, but overall I'm a sweet person who loves making new friends.
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Comments (63)
People who cry suicide are just looking for attention. They don't have the guts to do it. If they were serious about suicide they would have killed themselves by now. Don't let that idiot pressure you. Tell his mom what he's doing. I've felt like I wanted to kill myself when one of my relationships ended, but the difference is, I didn't pin it on the guy I just kept it to myself. It's so horrible how people hold their lives over your head. Next time they say shit like that just report them to their parents. It's that serious.
I had a friend who was bipolar and lived a very depressed life, she didn't pin it on me, but she ended up OD'ing and died. Her ex was a douche and started dating her so called best friend and took the kids away from her and it just went downhill from there. She could never recover. I forgave her every time she would lash out on me because I knew she needed a friend and I was that friend, but unfortunately I couldn't help her. She couldn't help herself.
When I was in my late 16s, i had an LDr relationship with a guy who was kind of like that, but he was more passive. I tried breaking up with him once and he said that "life isn't worth living anymore' and he cut his arm open while on the phone with me (well, he said he did but i can't confirm it). I stayed with him but a few days later i wrote him an e-mail saying i couldn't do it anymore then i blocked him from everything.
I had an ex who was long distance when we were dating. Her sense of suicidal tendencies stemmed from her friend actually committing suicide earlier that year. And because she also knew that I tend to be someone who always accepted responsibility for my actions, she took advantage of it. She would also tell me that she would just off herself at any moment; because of that, if for some reason she got pissed or upset, I always had her two best friends on speed dial. I was never sure if she would actually do it or not (she has attempted before I met her), but as anyone would feel, I didn't want that on my conscience seeing that she committed suicide because I broke up with her. Eventually, she was encouraged to get therapy and when she started showing signs of improvement, it was little too late and I told her I couldn't take that relationship anymore. From what I know now, she's with another guy. So, it' all ended alright.
Next time force them to call a hotline. Do whatever you have to do to get them to seek help.
my grandma cries wolf all the time. she doesn't have a job because she's disabled and old. I think she's a hypochondriac than suicider. she sees the doctor all day, everyday. that's like her actual "job" because she goes to different doctors almost daily or at least 2-3 times a week and then goes to the grocery store. she should also probably be banned from some stores, because she is a serial merchandise exchange/returner-that's like her second "job" because she has nothing else to do. she tends to start drama with people wherever she goes, too. I used to live with her when I was younger. it was like living in those reality tv show big brother houses, except it is the drama queen grandma show. she somehow starts verbal fights with people at the bus stop and even at the hospital with the bedridden granny next to her. drama won't ever evade her. I think she lives for drama! I'm glad that I have my own place and can have my own peaceful sanctuary nowadays. financial independence is wondrous
I don't know anyone at the moment who is suicidal. I was definitely suicidal at one point in my life, but luckily I had super supportive and understanding people in my life. I am sorry that he manipulated you and your emotions. I know that it must have been scary. This was a great post. I think the only thing I would add to it is that if anyone is in a relationship like this, they should get the person help. They shouldn't bear the burden and guilt alone. It is too much for one person to feel responsible for the life of another. If I had to relive my life, I wouldn't have kept what I was going through a secret.
there was a guy i knew in highschool who would always play the "im gonna go kill myself no one cares" game.. We were social friends, I didn't get to close to him because he liked playing mind games with people. We were hanging out one night when he started pouting over loosing a game of pool. Half an hour later he was in his little mood, and i had had enough of him. I looked him straight in the eye and said "Look B, if you are going to kill yourself, just get on it with it. If not, Shut up. We are sick and tired of hearing it." He got red in the face and took off. I didn't hear from him for a week (this was over march break).. but when I saw him at school I could tell something had changed. He took me aside and thanked me for yelling at him. Everyone else had always played his way, feeling sorry for him. I was the first one to stand up for him. He is a teacher and counselor at a highschool now.
On another note, I have had a very dear friend commit suicide.. the young man had been through hell and back, and he just finally couldn't do it anymore. I will always miss him, I understand why he did it though.. it was the only way he could have peace.
Suicide is an ugly, ugly thing. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and I tried to take my own life. That was 3 months ago. I never once told anyone what I was going to do...I just wanted all my pain to stop. It had nothing to do with anyone else but myself; no one person triggered it. I truly just became tired of smiling on the outside and caring for everyone else and never getting anything in return.
Obviously since I'm writing this, I'm alright. It was a wake up call for myself and those who have become my support system...I'm getting the help that I need to learn how to deal with my anxiety, and I still wrestle with the darkness of the depression every day.
Regardless of your personal stance on suicide, I just want to say one thing: it's not something you will ever truly understand until you've been there. I really hope you never can understand it; wanting to (and acting on) kill yourself is not something you can just erase. No matter what, I'll be carrying this with me forever. I have no physical scars, but I have a giant emotional one that won't necessarily fade with time. I'm mortified by it.
I'm not excusing what our poster's ex boyfriend did by any means, and I'm happy that she removed herself from the situation, but if she made him feel better even in the slightest bit, he would have done pretty much anything to keep her around. When you constantly feel the way a suicidal person does, you just want relief. That's all he wanted. Was it wrong? Absolutely. He needed real help - a therapist, maybe some antidepressants...but he also needed a support system made of people who cared about him, and a girlfriend kinda fits that bill.
@xinq@xanga - @LadyGwenivere@xanga -
wow, I'm enraged by both your comments, and this post in general.
It's making people who feel suicidal sound like "pussies" because they haven't attempted. Or so you think.
Just because a person hasn't done it yet doesn't mean they're serious. They may be waiting for the right time, or just waiting for one person to take notice and care.
This post in general makes it seem like the person with suicidal thoughts is the one to blame, like they're selfish, manipulative, angry liars.
I've been on both sides, and it's not fun. But imagine telling someone "if you're going to do it, just do it. you're not suicidal or else you would have gone through with it" ... and then they DO.
that's just awful. even if they're not serious about it, obviously they still need help and for someone to care about them, because they may not want to die, but they're looking for attention for SOME reason. Maybe they just want to see who cares. And it can turn in to a serious threat if people don't give a shit.
@cheesecakeloverk@xanga - and i'm enraged by your holier-than-thou comment. it is utterly disgusting how people try to hold their lives over someone else's head giving them an ultimatum saying be with me or i'll kill myself.
i'm not going to tolerate that kind of shit so you can get over it. if they are going to give me that kind of ultimatum i will stop being their friend.
@cheesecakeloverk@xanga - Also I have felt suicidal before but what separates me from some others is that i don't pin this on people. i know this is only just a moment feeling and that things will get better so i don't do anything and i eventually get out of it, but i don't go giving people ultimatums saying if they don't do something then i'm going to kill myself. that is incredibly self-centered and selfish.
I think reading your story was really inspirational and I can only imagine the amount of courage it took not to reply. A lot of people try to downplay the effects of a suicide threat but I know from experience it's hard to put down that phone or not to rush by their side - just the idea that someone's life may end because of you is guilt enough. Thanks for sharing your story!
@xinq@xanga -
I don't know if that's completely true, but I do believe that it is, of course always a possibility.For example, in first grade(yes,first grade) I went to the bathroom where I saw my twin neighbors. They weren't suicidal or doing anything to make anyone think so really, but they were scratching each other's wrists and blatantly said "this will make *so and so* feel bad for us." I remember that even being as shy as I was, I was so disgusted with them that I told them both how wrong that was of them.That's the only time I've ever known of anyone doing/saying anything terrible to/of themselves simply for attention.
I've told my boyfriend about my own feelings concerning suicide before to prevent fighting because I knew that if I made a comment and it caused an argument, it might have sent me over the edge. I've never ONCE done it for attention. There have been times that he wouldn't leave when I told him to because he had been acting outlandish and I brought it up, because I wanted him to know how badly he was affecting me and that I needed him to leave before I felt worse. Granted, he didn't leave any of those times, but would sit on me or something to keep me from getting up and doing anything.
In most cases, I try to hide it because it's embarrassing to me, rather than say something, but if I know that your screaming in my face is going to be what sets me off, I likely will absolutely not hesitate to let you know.
It's not that I don't "have the guts" to do it; I've been close and have even made up my mind enough to attempt- and believe wholeheartedly that it would work-plenty of times. I could do it if I was in the state of mind that you need to be in, however, I don't want to do it, ever.Sometimes I think that there is no point in living life, but I don't want to do it because I know there are people who love me. I don't want to make them feel the way I feel when I am suicidal. If I feel like they are willing to play with my life and continue pushing me, then I feel absolutely fine- In that moment- to go through with it.
On a different note, I agree that this boy was manipulative. Maybe he didn't realize it, he definitely needed help, and was obviously serious about what he said considering the attempted suicide, but even so, he was wrong.
@xinq@xanga - This is an unusually cruel and not-very-knowledgeable comment.
People who often "cry suicide" are usually messed up in other very real and very scary ways. Having dated a person with that tendency and having gone through over 15 years of crippling depression myself, I've seen both sides of the suicide coin.
Typically people who act like this are not any more or less likely to try to commit suicide (as proven in this case by the fact that he actually tried when she left) as someone who quietly suffers alone. Usually people like this come from codependent households and have very interesting and unhealthy views of relationship dynamics.
People like this often feel as though they are in control of nothing in their world, which depresses them, and claw for control in many ways, one of which dating someone and trying to force that person to be with them by any means possible. Psychologically speaking, people like this aren't any more selfish than the next person at the base of their needs; the fact is, they have no way to cope with feelings and don't know how to properly interact with others, whereas the average person who is not codependent understands how a healthy relationship may look and try to model their relationships after that ideal.
The more I read the comments on this post, the more I am understanding why so many people commit suicide a year. At the base of it, quiet sufferers commit suicide, and that in itself is the basis for a lot of shunning and false info. Mix in a little bit of codependency and the inability to make beneficial decisions for oneself, and apparently you have the devil on your hands?
What suicidal people need is understanding. Not coddling. Not a malleable relationship or friendship. They need someone to understand, and that's all. It's so obvious that someone who has not experienced the depths of depression will never understand what it's like to live every day without purpose.
thanks for this post.
@cheesecakeloverk@xanga - Enraged??? Wow.
FYI one of my best friends DID commit suicide. He was 16, abused by both his parents since birth and sent back by children's services told to just "tough it out" until he could leave home. His dad beat the crap out of him with a BAT, breaking half the bones in his body! His mom made him drink bleach!! And they STILL made him go back. Through it all he held it together. He never said "im going to kill myself". One day, on the way home from his 12th hospital stay, where the nurses and doctors were desperate to find a reason to keep him, he ended his life.
The other guy i knew, played the game for 2 years. Every.Day. All we'd hear from him is "my life sucks, no one likes me, no one cares, just gonna go kill myself". Did i want him to? No. Especially not 2 weeks after our other friend did it. But I had just had enough of it. And he DID get help.
Yea, Ive thought about it too. I was bullied and tormented every day of my life from JK to grade 8. I had it planned out and everything. I just didnt want my Mum to have to clean up the mess. SO I decided to I only had one other option. Fight the bullies back. And thats what I did.
So dont give me that bull comment. I know EXACTLY how it feels.
I was suicidal for many, many months before I made 3 attempts. Trust me they weren't for attention or I would have committed the acts when someone was around. I remember waking up after my second overdose (wasn't suppose to be found) and telling the doctor "you fucker! I wanted to die"
It's true if you know someone who is suicidal you cannot help them. A friend finally took the bull by the horns, had me formed and I got treatment.
For those who believe it's a "cry wolf" situation...think again! Until you've lived it you can't speak to it!
@Mangonese@xanga - I was ridiculed often made fun of in high school and people threw racist comments at me every day for being Chinese. That made me want to kill myself, but I didn't say it in a way where I wanted attention, I kept it to myself. The bullying in high school was so horrid that I'm shocked I even lasted out of it because I knew after 2004 -- I would never see most of these people ever again. I can let friends vent to me about feeling a certain way, but if they say if you don't do this or that for me I'm going to kill myself, you can bet I'm not going to be around that sort of negativity.
People like that tend to bring others down. Most people who do say that do want the attention, that's why they tell people, to see if someone will care enough to save them. If they weren't looking for attention they would have kept it to themselves and tried to over come it instead of trying to bring others down with it.
@dreamchaser66 - It may not have been for you but for some it is. So just because it wasn't for you doesn't mean it wasn't a cry for attention for others. I knew a classmate who killed himself, but he didn't broadcast it to the world. I was shocked when he did it.
If people actually attempt to do it, then hopefully you will seek the treatment you need. Life is all about over coming the hardships, not trying to find a shortcut way out. You have no idea how much I was bullied in high school and how much I felt like wanting to end myself for it. I over comed it, and didn't even mutilate myself, didn't even try to cut myself either for it.
They say you will just be reborn again with the same problems until you face them.
@cheesecakeloverk@xanga - By the way get off your fuckin high horse. You have no God damn clue how my life was like. Bet you couldn't fuckin' last if you had the life I did in middle school and high school. You sound like a person that would have gave up if you were in my shoes. Don't bring your negativity around me.
I was there for a friend who cried wolf a lot until she finally OD'd unintentionally so you can shut the hell up thinking you can judge my life as well. Matter of fact it is true for those who do tell others they want to kill themselves they do want to see if anyone finds them worth saving and if there is something worth living left. You wouldn't be so butthurt about what I said if you didn't find yourself that way. Like I always say if you're that offended about something I say, then perhaps maybe you are that type of person. And enraged? You're laughable. Get a life if you're enraged by some comments on xanga.
@dreamchaser66 - Three times and you didn't succeed? Obviously you weren't serious about it otherwise you would have made sure it succeeded. Hope you seek help because you're just going to be reborn again with the same problems until you overcome them.
Oh hunny, and I've lived through it, I can definitely judge because I've been on the other side of the fence of people crying wolf and living through it myself. So yes, I can judge it. ;)
I'm not the type of person that judges things I've never done or have no experience with so you can back off.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - my best friend committed suicide, too. i used to hang out with her a lot and she was the one i could turn to when everyone else would give me a cold shoulder. i was pissed when she od'd because we were talking about going to the beaches and disney world this summer and she died earlier this year. i thought she was finally bouncing back. she also still left two little girls without a mother. i feel sad for the girls the most. i couldn't care less about the douche bag ex who has been dating my friends other so-called best friend. that wench will never be the kids' mother.
it really ticks me off when ppl think that we actually have to go through something like this to comment. if someone actually attempted suicide then they definitely need to seek therapy. i was just sane enough to talk myself out of it. doesn't mean i don't have the rights to comment, ugh. people and their experience talk, u know?
Wow the amount of hatred in these comments sicken me. Depression and suicidal thoughts are ALWAYS a serious matter, and ALWAYS different from case to case. No person experiences mental illness or suicidal thoughts the same way. Some people who suffer from depression can be very manipulative; others are full of shame and close themselves off from the world. It depends on the person's environment, genetics, personality, and a million other factors.
I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago-I was fourteen. Luckily my family took my symptoms very seriously. In my case, I was the "suicidal girlfriend". My boyfriend stuck by me through the toughest times, but he eventually left me after almost 2 yrs. We started dating before I was diagnosed but was instrumental in getting me to begin treatment. Looking back he was a tough guy for staying around for so long! People still occasionally say we were meant to be, but after going through such a long difficult thing like he did I just can't see us ever rekindling (even 10 years later).
I was such a wreck during that time-my poor boyfriend went through a lot for me. He helped me talk to my parents, went to session w/ my therapist and later my psychiatrist, and tried to make sure I took my medication as directed. But he also dealt with MANY late night cry-fests, me yelling that I didn't want him to love me anymore, and a lot of screaming matches. He knew that none of that was me talking, but the depression talking.
ANYWAY, all this bickering is stupid. Depression is different for everyone. Don't hate on people for how they handled theirs. It's not for anyone to decide if another person truly "suffers" or meant to commit suicide or not. The OP was right to think of herself & leave her bf in this situation because he was seriously hurting and manipulating her. But every person w/ depression &/or suicidal thoughts is unique, just like every relationship (w/ or w/out a suicidal person involved) is unique.