Saturday, 06 October 2012
I believe it was Yerxa, from 1 Girl 5 Gays, who said, "If you don't know your sexuality by the time you are 30, then you will never know." All I know is that when I was in my youth, I spent plenty of time trying to clear the air with myself.
Someone on my post "What Usher Meant By 'Not Enough Men'" wrote that they don't get what I meant by my differentiating between being bi and turning bi. I explained that it must have been my no-nonsense behavior in figuring out who you are, what you like and how to go about it. Here is what I believed: As soon as you get your first few thrusts of your penis or the first time you get wet, not only do you start to come into your own as a sexual being, but you know who you like.
You can come to terms with it, deny it, or whatever, but you know damn well who you are and what you like. At least, I think you should by that time.
Anyway, this kind of thinking gravitated to when I was around... 16 or 17 and two teenage men, who identified themselves as gay, came over to my high school. One of them said that he always kind of knew, but continued having sex with women or had a girlfriend to keep up appearances of whom people thought he was. I don't know what this meant to the rest of my school peers, but it did get me wondering if I had any homosexual tendencies.
Immediately, was as good a time as any, to figure yourself out before unleashing yourself onto the world. After all, I thought it was incredibly dangerous and foolish to dismiss it and say you are simply straight just because you like women, when there is a possibility of there also being something more. You know? That's how I think we got to the "down low" phenomenon.
I walked away with nothing more than the ability to simply say, "Whatever I am is what I am. Whatever I like is what I like. If you don't like it, you know exactly what you can do." I never thought too hard about it and I never struggled over it because it was what it was.
Anyway, this ability to search myself, quickly embrace what I find and keep on stepping has saved me a life of misery, fear and jealousy over the matters. I've also saved the heartbreak of those I've dated and the cheating out of my own identity. Never did I have to sneak around a gender to be curious about it. Never did I have to threaten someone using sexuality.
I just embraced who I was: A guy who likes women and openly had an attraction to transgendered women as well (they call that being pansexual, but since I am not sexually attracted to, for the lack of a less loaded term, "real" men, I'm not entirely sure if it fits) and if no one liked it--oh well!
Isn't a bit of punk rock influence on your personality nice?
This ability to simply research who I was and deal with what I found is probably why I am so "no-nonsense" about how people should know what they like and who they are. When one woman says they no longer like men and move to women, I say if you still like men sexually, you are either bisexual or pansexual. Point blank.
If you hadn't figured out who you are by now, you will probably never figure it out.
Have you gone through a similar process?