Dear Datingish,
I just broke up with my boyfriend. The reason is I just don't like his character. He seems controlling, and I definitely find that unappealing. We talked about me wanting to put up an artwork in his new home. I mean, I don't even know if I want to paint; it has been so long. It was just a fun idea to think about. I don't even know if I would go through with it. I don't even know what to paint. It would probably take a year or so to think of something interesting to paint.
Anyway, he told me that the living room is off-limits and that he would have to judge my painting. You know, I hate restriction. The more restricted something is, the more I want to do it just to get back at that person.
It has occurred to me that this is not love because
if you love someone, you would allow them to hang up anything on your wall no matter how crappy it looks. I mean it's just a wall. It's not like I wanted something big. I mean, if he can't even do this then I don't know how we can fit together. This is a big deal breaker.
He even compared me to the previous owner that still lives there where the husband allows his wife who is an artist to put her paintings on the wall.
He said it's because I am not like her, who happens to be an artist. Gee... thanks a lot. That is a real heart warming comment.
Is he being controlling? Have you ever been in a similar situation?
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Comments (36)
Not necessarily controlling, but definitely an insensitive d-bag!
Sounds like he is very insensitive to things you value. I would tread lightly you may need to make a quick get a way
I don't see how this is controlling. If a guy is being controlling, believe me you wouldn't have to ask. The two of you don't agree on something. Big deal unless of course you make into one.
"if you love someone, you would allow them to hang up anything on your wall no matter how crappy it looks." LOL. I guess I hate my husband's guts 'cause if he seriously wanted to hang a dogs playing poker poster/painting/velvet anywhere in the house...those are fighting words likewise, if I wanted to decorate in some way that he hated, I would respect his wishes. I am sure the two of you can reach a compromise.
I'm not sure I'd call him "controlling," but he's being an insensitive douchebag and undermining your sense of self-worth by saying you're "not an artist" like she is and not allowing you to put something you're proud of on display because it might not be "good enough" (I'm assuming you wouldn't want to put a piece you don't like up anyway).
I also do art. It's not the best thing ever, but if my live-in significant other pulled this on me regarding our apartment, there'd be a major fight at best.
There's a difference between @Erika_Steele@xanga's example of an SO wanting to hang something random up and disagreeing about that. If this was, say, a poster you picked up, I'd suggest talking about it and compromising. But... it's not. To me, your art is a lot more personal and a lot more important.
Now... it is his home, and you don't indicate that you live there or pay rent on it, so I do think that makes it a little less of an issue. If you don't live together, the decorations aren't up to you to decide - but even then, he's being an insensitive douchebag in the way he's stating his rejection/apprehension about it. It's possible to say "I don't want to hang that up" without putting you down as an artist, which is what he seems to be doing.
I don't think he even appreciates you less of all loves you...doesn't sounds very controlling as he sounds like someone who would say deminishing things to you and will certainly put you down to feel good about him.
What this IS actually would be you are a spoiled and possessive brat.
(" You know, I hate restriction. The more restricted something is, the more I want to do it just to get back at that person." ) and you are throwing a tantrum bc you didn't get your way.
what's wrong with your relationship?
...you.
Yes, break up with him. Please! Do him that favor.
The "not an artist" comment was insensitive. However, from you post, I do not see how he is controlling.
It has occurred to me that this isn't love, because when you love someone, you don't break up with them over decorating decisions.
He didn't try to stop you from painting (controlling you); he said he'd have to see your work before he put it up in HIS house (controlling HIS HOUSE).
OP says it would take her "a year to think of something to paint." Um... She ISN'T an artist. Out wasn't douchebag insults, he told her the truth.
lol....you are a psycho...
Maybe not said in the most sensitive way, but what's the story behind the story? What are the things you have said to him that were insensitive? This is only half the story, and he's not ipso facto the one at fault here. If he has a really nice place, should he clutter it up with paintings that are not very good? People are very careful about the paintings they put up, and don't put up whatever someone slaps together after not painting for years.
there has to be a back story somewhere
@Erika_Steele@xanga - I'm in agreement with Erika.
There is probably more to this story, though.
What's wrong with wanting to see what would be hanging on his wall before he approves it? It's one thing if it's your home, but if he pays the bills or rent or whatever, this is not even close to being controlling. This is only being fair. I mean, what happens if whatever it is you want to hang up is some huge horrible-looking thing? I'd be happy that he's being honest with you. Sorry, but I don't think you know what controlling really is, since he's saying you can hang something up, just not in a certain room and as long as it looks alright.
He's probably doing you a favor by approving it before you hang it up. Wouldn't you want him to be honest if something you did was really bad or would you want that really bad thing to be hung up and anyone who comes over just laughs at it but doesn't have the heart to tell you?
How dare he be controlling of his own residence in which you do not live..
lol are you serious? You broke up with him because he didn't allow you to decorate *his* house? unless you pay half the rent you don't get half of the decision to put up anything. His comment is a little blunt but you may also be a little too sensitive (I can't tell because this retelling is solely from your perspective).
idk, it's his house. He could have been worried about whether or not he'd like it and didn't want to have to keep it-ON HIS WALL- even if he disliked it, to spare your feelings, thus..He asked to judge something first.
Perhaps what he meant by the other woman being an artist was that she was a professional one? Guys say things like that all the time and it sounds worse than it's intended to. My boyfriend considers himself an astronomer, and he is graduating with a degree in computer science next year. He calls himself that because of his love and knowledge of the subject, (like I also call myself an artist because of my love and knowledge of it); not because he has the full, proper training or a degree and has been "proven" to know what he's talking about.Also, girls are crafty. Most of us at least. Every girl is a photographer. That doesn't mean someone is going to want you to take their wedding photos, even if you're someone they love.
Also, I know controlling men. This may have hurt your feelings, but no, your ex was not at all controlling.
would you like him hanging something crappy on your wall too? it's HIS house. you can maybe do it if you pay half the rent.. but you're actually being selfish. you don't care that he wants his house to look nice.. you only care about your artwork
since you're so open to random artwork, can i piss a pattern in your living room carpet and keep it there?
I barely use my living room, so he can hang/decorate it however he wants. I only have the basic leather sofa and a tree, not even a tv. hey that rhymed
nobody can put their stuff or touch my stuff in my off limits room. I rarely let anyone in my room. if they want to hang out, stay in the living room/kitchen area. I felt like I had to disinfect my bed when a visitor decided to prance into my room and sit on my bed to talk with his "outside" clothes that he wore to work. ughh...
I'm territorial with my things. I don't live with a s.o. and don't intend to anytime soon even if I have a bf. I had a roommate before and we had separate rooms, yet I can't stand their other habits, especially bathroom cleanliness. it can't be home sweet home with an unkempt bathroom.
it isn't a big deal.
it's his house
he isn't being controlling, you are
and your art probably does look like shit.
Um, it's his house. How is that controlling?! If my boyfriend came over and told me he wanted to hang stuff in my house and that if it wasn't okay, he was going to throw a tantrum, I would not be impressed. Look, you're not engaged or married. You don't live there. It's HIS house. He pays the rent so he has every right to decide how it's decorated. You need to respect his personal space and if you broke up with him over a damn painting, you have a lot of growing up to do, honestly.
So... Let me get this straight... You broke up with him because he didn't want your painting in his house?
Yeah, maybe it was a good thing you broke things off rather than trying to, oh I don't know, talk to him about why your feelings were hurt and maybe come to an understanding?
He doesn't seem controlling and, depending on when you two started dating, doesn't even sound rude. If I had a boyfriend who was more than a year, I wouldn't consider what he said was rude at all. He just sounds blunt and to the point. Would you rather a man not like your work and lie about how great an artist you are? I always expect those closest to me to tell me the truth about me...
But I suppose to each his own. I also find this a little ironic how your profile picture is of L, who is also quite a frank character.
YOU wanted to put YOUR supposed artwork in HIS place? Where I'm guessing you DON'T live at. You DON'T pay the bills for it. You threw a hissy fit and broke up with him because of that? Yeah, I'd say you're the controlling one. He could do better.