This post was submitted by Kirsten.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We both love each other very much, neither of us did anything to break each other's trust, and we're both each other's best friend. A few nights ago, he told me that he couldn't picture us progressing to a new step in the relationship as long as he hasn't dated other people. I'm his first girlfriend, so he doesn't have very much dating experience even though he's 23.
The day after, we figured we would spend the day together to see where we stood as a couple. Knowing that I was holding him back from moving forward in this relationship made me want to give him a little space to date other people so he knew that our relationship was right. But knowing he was going to start dating other people just broke my heart.
We kissed just once, and it was painful that I knew I had to break up with him completely. We both decided it would be for the best so that we didn't still feel like we had to be loyal to each other.
But going through this breakup is hard because I just moved here and I don't know anyone here other than him, and all my free time was spent with him, and I told him basically EVERYTHING about my life and my day and what I was feeling. Now I can't contact him, I have absolutely no one else, I've lost interest in everything, I'm crying non-stop, and I can't eat or sleep or go to classes or anything; I'm such a mess.
My family didn't approve of him so they're going to be happy we broke up. We both feel like we need to talk to each other about our feelings, but we know we can't do that AND move on.
What do I do?
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Comments (28)
*hug* sorry I don't have any advice to share with you, I hope you find a way to cope out with it but "getting over stuff and moving on" isn't really something I can do or even understand.
:( -hug-
Create an account here on Xanga and start posting on the top blogs. Make new friends on here to keep you busy until you get over him. Write posts to yourself on your blog to help yourself figure out your emotions.
I hope you come through okay in the end!
Girl, that sucks! I hate when guys and people in general use that excuse because it is their first time they don't know so that gives them the right to end it even though things are seemingly well.
I wouldn't take someone back if he ends up realizing it is what he had all along. Don't want him after he's been used.
Make new friends--in school, at work, wherever. Find a hobby, excercise, do something creative, spend time with your family and try to improve yourself. It's unhealthy to only have your boyfriend as your friend. It happened to me twice, and it took me a while to recover. But seriously, don't put all your hopes in another person. You will be disappointed and hurt.
Ah, I've been there. One of my friends mothers used to tell us, " men aren't good til their thirties." I didn't understand til I was older what she meant! When I was in my late teens/ early twenties dating guys around my age, sometimes even a little younger, it always was about that. Their not knowing whether or not I was the girl for them cuz they wanted to explore more. Then we would break up and they would want me back!
My point is, I've found that dating guys in their late twenties, if you want a man looking for long term commitment, date someone older who has experienced dating and knows what he wants in life. Don't date someone young who is barely figuring out what they want. I'm not saying EVERY young man doesn't know what he wants. But most don't seem to and you get screwed, as your man is screwing you over by wanted to screw other women. UGH.lol, you spend all your time with one person, then when you can't talk to him anymore, you're surprised that you have nothing else to fall back on? how was this not obvious to you when you put yourself into this mess in the first place?
every time i read a post like this on here i'm like...where do you people even come from? sheesh.
You've learnt the hard way not to invest everything you have into one person. I know you thought you were going to be together forever, but you can't invest your entire life into a person like that. You need a life and interests outside of a relationship - a job, school, friends and hobbies that don't involve your other half and unfortunately, you don't seem to have any of those things, so you've got nothing to fall back on. I honestly think that might be why your family didn't approve - I'm not saying your ex is a bad person or anything, but it's unhealthy to be in a relationship like that and I think that's probably something he's realised, which is why he wants to experience new things. But, if you guys do want to move on, you'll need to talk out your unresolved feelings and problems before that can happen.
I don't really have much advice apart from it WILL get better. I know it doesn't seem that way but you'll look back in a month or two and realise you're doing much better. Take things day by day, don't be scared to cry, but don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself either. Get involved in something - focus on your classes, join a club, take up a sport and make some new friends to take your mind off things. Best of luck!
aw this sucks. Be strong and you will come out the other side just fine. When you look back on this you're going to be able to see how mcuh it helped you grow as a person. Grieve for your relationship but at some point you need to get back out there. You don't have him as a crutch now ou need to be brave and focus on yourself. You can do it :) there's so much out there waiting for you.
Just grieve a bit, and move on. I went through this last year when I lost my visa and had to move back to America and break up with my fiance since I couldn't stay in the country. I still get sad, but there's nothing to fix it.
Somewhat of a confusing situation... are you two thinking about getting back together at some later time if you both feel like you should? Because it kinda affects just how much you need to get over him, whether you think it could possibly work again...
Either way, finding something like an activity or organiation to get involved with is definitely a good idea.Get out, go for a walk, get some fresh air, and get in touch with nature. Nature is the BEST remedy for a troubled mind. The hardest part is the loneliness factor, but we are all stronger than we know. So don't let it get you down. As soon as you can realize this you will be right as rain, sunshine.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - Well said!!!!
I was going to say "Go get a hug", but it looks like a lot of other commenters are on that. Isn't it nice to know there are sympathetic people?
The somewhat-small silver lining is that... at least the guy did this before he went and cheated on you. And at least he was mature enough to realize that he wasn't satisfied with the relationship, and talked to you about it, instead of just wrecking everything left and right. And at least you're young, in a good situation, and have plenty of opportunities left. And I know that's all pathetic and shallow at the moment, but in a month or two, I think you may be thankful that it was only this bad. Really, a lot of other posters are trashing the guy, and frankly I think he handled the situation rather well. Hating him is not the healthiest option... and hopefully, that's not something you are even capable of.
Along with seconding the above advice about joining a club or organization, or possibly looking for a part-time job, I would also say to consider creative pursuits like Xanga writing challenges, taking piano lessons, or volunteering at the local library reading to children. These types of things tend to make us feel full and rewarded rather quickly, and are good fillers for that hole-in-your-gut. Campuses are full of opportunities for new experiences, and you might check out the Karate club, learn to play Ultimate Frisbee, or get on board with the banned books society. Heck, my school has a polo club that is open to all members... if hugging horses is something you'd like to try.
Above all, realize that taking time to learn about yourself is always a worthwhile investment... and that smiles are in short supply in the world, so find some reasons to show yours.
Cop Out: People who can't progress without moving on to dating other people first, or exploring the possibilities, or generally whoring it the fuck up. *shrug*
Some may find that a valid reason for putting a relationship on ice, but it's cryptic terms for "You aren't satisfying me enough".
I think the only thing to do is to cry your eyes and heart out, then get up and start over. This sort of thing hurts like crap and even if you had 25 friends right there...it would still hurt like crap.
Many of us lose a best, if not THE best friend we have when we break up with our SO. Maybe some small % truly shrug and move on like it was nothing, but most don't.
I think the most important thing to do is to make sure we don't anything monumentally stupid while we are down and hurting. That's the place I am in right now...just DON'T do something stupid...it's my mantra
ughhh I feel ya gurl. the worst part of breaking up is losing that person who you tell everything to.
He wants to play the field. And you should too! You think you want him now.. but in six months you'll look back and laugh, and wonder why you wasted your time crying. I have been there. You'll get over it. But next time, make sure you balance your time with friends and hobbies! :)
Write him letters, but don't send them. But you'll get everything out and some things will start to make more sense once they're down on paper. Then, go try something you've never done before, just once, and see how it feels. It's rough, but it'll get easier. Do both of those things once a week for awhile and you'll start to feel brand new :)
I've had a woman in my life for 3 years now, she says the same thing.. I guess turn lose, and let them go their own way. Maybe they'll find what ever it is they think they are missing. Maybe they will find they passed up what might have been the greatest love of your and their lives. Regardless, YOU have to move on. Like me, I have to realize if she was all that great for me, this would not and could not have happened. That's the problem with one sided Love...... it never works, and it makes you feel like shutting down, and locking down tight, and staying safe.... no more hurt. BUT That's the worst. There's someone out there looking for someone just like you, someone to spend their life with. Someone to give all their love too. Don't give up, they are out there. Maybe you haven't found them, nor have I, but if we quit now and give up we will for sure never find them..... and I think it's like the song by the Moody Blues "I know You're Out There Somewhere"...... I know they are..... and one day I, and hopefully YOU will find that just right one. I'll be hoping for you to find them :)
I'm going through this right now, we had been together almost two years and i loved him very much. But he became more distant and wanted to see other people since i was also his first real relationship. Its been two months and i miss him often and when something happens i think "oh i can't wait to tell him" then i realize i can't. We don't even talk anymore, things ended badly i was very angry and bitter. Now i'm doing much better and wish we had remained on some level friends or at least acquaintances. It hurts but it gets better.
So sorry for your loss. I have certainly felt pain from someone leaving my life, too ...
It hurts..allow yourself some time to adjust and then make a list of all of the things you used to enjoy before your boyfriend...and do them.
Join clubs or organizations which do something you enjoy. Go to a church and get to know others. Take a college class that you think you'd enjoy.. Keep busy.
Whether he comes back to you remains to be seen..
Best of luck to you..
Christy
Just do your best to make some new friends, and to pick up some new hobbies. Distract yourself until you realize that you don't need to be distracted anymore. You'll find that this is one of the best methods for moving on. There's really nothing else you can do, you know? And you'll learn a lot about yourself this way, too. I wish I could give you more advise, but unfortunately, it's all I've got to give.
Trust in the fact that I am currently enduring the same thing. I've been in a relationship since I started college. It's been 4 years and I kept hearing that cryptic message after a year into the relationship right until he broke up with me 2 weeks ago. The unfortunate truth is that, at least he was being honest with you now rather than later. Technically, there isn't anything wrong with the relationship...he just wants to play the field before truly understanding what you guys have together. And that to me is a cop out answer. It's one that many of us get and deem justifiable. In truth, it's valid and logical in many ways. BUT this reasoning abuses the plain fact that he isn't satisfied with what he's getting out of the relationship. Don't take this as sexual, physical, or emotional expectations you're not meeting. BUT there is something missing. And honestly, you shouldn't beat yourself up about that. Two people just need to put what they have on the table right then and there. And if he doesn't think you're fit, then do not push him to think and don't you wait. He may be your best friend and you feel so very inclined to contact him especially after a big move where he's your only immediate support system, but in reality, he doesn't deserve to have your friendship at the moment. If he gave you up (don't misconstrue this with giving up on you), then move on and create a life that you deserve. Making friends is liberating. Meeting new people is an adventure in itself. Life goes on and first loves remain first loves. But as of right now, healing is in progress. You will go through the 5 stages of grief in no particular order. Admittedly, that may last for months. There are two options on how to deal with this at school or in public in general. 1) Fake it till you make it and 2) open up. Number 1 is preferable for chance encounters with your ex. Number 2 is something that really helps you cope and understand the truth behind the matter. You can make friends this way in the sense that people are more willing to open up to you when you seem vulnerable. Everyone experiences heartache at one time or another. They will help you and you will have a support system in the works. Trust in the world being able to put a smile on your face and be strong. Best of luck.