Wednesday, 03 October 2012
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Why Do Some Girls Ignore the "Nice Guys"?
I was in an on again off again relationship with a guy for almost two years. It seemed to be going well for the first few months, and I honestly believed that I loved him. But after a while, I started to notice some things that he would do that I did not like, and instead of addressing them, I let them build up until it led to an argument where we had broken up for the first time.
Despite the fact that I could no longer trust him, we tried many times to fix our relationship because he would tell me repeatedly that he still loved me and that he would do whatever he needed to in order to gain back my trust. To make a long story short... he failed at ever showing me he can be trustworthy in a relationship, and eventually I ended it for good because as much as I loved him, I knew he would never change.After that relationship, I took some time to figure out what I wanted and did not go looking for another relationship. Eventually, I started talking to other guys, and I would be very interested in them, but soon they would prove themselves to be similar to my ex; only interested in sex or just not very mature. I wondered why those types of guys were the ones that attracted me the most.
And then I met Andy, who I was attracted to immediately, and ended up hooking up with not too long after I met him. I'm definitely not the type of girl that will hook up with someone I'm not dating... but alcohol can make a person do stupid things. Basically, after we hooked up he wanted to spend more time with me and actually take me out. But for some reason, I did not want to date him or spend more time with him.Now here was this amazing guy who was smart, attractive, and actually very sweet telling me that he wanted to take me out. But I wasn't interested... and I could not for the life of me, figure out why. He was exactly what I had wanted... so why wasn't I letting myself have what I knew I deserved?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a lot of girls do this. I think part of me likes not knowing what's going on in the guy's head, and likes being kept guessing. It's appealing to us. But when a guy makes it simple and lays it all out there, maybe I think that it's not challenging or interesting enough. I thought back, and realized that there were many "nice guys" that I had never given a chance, but I was willing to risk a broken heart for the guy that was more likely to hurt me.
I thought that maybe I was nervous about trusting a guy that seemed so sweet at first, because that's how my ex was too. But there were definitely some red flags with my ex from the beginning that I either chose to ignore, or was too naive to see. Andy was different, and I knew it.Many guys claim that most girls will go for the jerk before the "nice guy." I do feel like some guys use the "nice guys finish last" line because they pity themselves, but I think there are definitely times where they do finish last... because us girls would prefer a guy that's more mysterious. But why is that?
P.S. I eventually did go out on a date with Andy, and we have actually been dating for a few months now. He treats me so well and I have never been happier.
What do you think?
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- From: laurenfaceeex@xanga
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Comments (45)
:/ idk why girls are attracted to men that would end up hurting them...i'm the full oppsite of you, I can't stand the stress of not knowing, so the guy for me doesn't only have to be nice but trustworthy and reliable, and perfectly consistent, i hate guessing and if someone tries to increase my interest by playing mistrious chances are that I'd be awfully scared and try to run as far as i can from him :P but that's just me...
Well, at least this story ended with you and Andy being together, and that he actually treats you well. Otherwise, there would be a major shitstorm brewing in the comments.
I think it depends on the girl's maturity level, and the kind of relationship desired. Nice guys are better for real relationships; jerks are better for flings.
Plus, I feel the media encourages an unrealistic "he's a bad boy but he's nice for me" romantic delusion. It's annoying when the girl gets with "the jerk" who turns into a nice guy (like the ugly truth) because that rarely happens in real life.
I'm going to give you the answer to why women go out with assholes, and why they ignore good guys. It is something rather simple, and will only take me one sentence:
"I want what I want."And guess what? they get what they want. And it may not be what they want, but it is what they deserve.At least this was a better ending than other stories I've heard, but you probably won't get much comments on this one. haha
I think that a lot of women don't want to feel that they need someone who is easily figured out so they can feel more intelligent and better about themselves. Although they still like niceness, it is a difficult balance between trying to not be as clear to be more interesting and flatter her intelligence and sophistication and showing the woman you care. So sometimes being interesting is embraced at the expense of niceness.
@SlackerSociety@xanga summed it up nicely.
If I had a nickel for everytime one of these "nice guys" posts pop up, I would have...close to one whole dollar.
"but I think there are definitely times where they do finish last... because us girls would prefer a guy that's more mysterious."
lol, "mysterious" is just a euphemism for being shady. It's not an admirable trait. I cannot diagnose your relationship problems based on what you wrote, but please don't clump all girls into the same category as you. Though I guess people who are attracted to hard-to-get bitches and douchebag types are probably either masochists, insecure/don't think they're worthy of a good relationship, or just plain bored with their lives and want to shake things up.
@nepenthium@xanga - On the opposite end of the spectrum there are those who don't think they're not worthy of a good relationship and don't feel they are somehow entitled to one and don't mind a challenge.
I'm not into "bad boys", but I do have a tendency to fall for the enigmatic types. They're good guys but obviously have been hurt and have a tough time opening up. I don't say that like it's a positive thing though-I have a problem wanting to "save" people who usually don't want to be saved. I wouldn't say I ignore nice guys, but I pay more attention to ones who I know are "damaged" out of habit. It usually doesn't work out too well...
Because "nice guys" are assholes.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Unfortunately, we can be. As much as I would wish that not to be true, I cant change it.
@jordon@revelife - Well, I put "nice guys" in quotations because I was referring to the self pitying jerks who think they deserve a woman because they're "nice". :)
This is a good thread. Yes, it's true that girls are attracted to the ones that don't put it out there. I keep finding that the more I reveal about myself right off the bat, the less interested the girl is in me. I've even been experimenting some to see what happens. The problem is that it is tough for a "nice guy" like myself to do what I feel is almost dishonest for long enough to actually attract a girl for good. It's tough. I consistently have to fight off the part of me that wants to communicate on a highly honest basis to determine if she is trustworthy, honest, and a good communicator as well. I don't want to date a girl that isn't, that's the problem. I think if more girls saw open and honest communication as a means of a "nice guys" method of determining whether or not they are date-worthy, they might find themselves more attracted.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Ha! still. we can all be jerks. even if we really are nice. I won't lie about it, I myself can be an absolute ass-hole to others. but I really try not to.
I really don't like to feel like I deserve the woman, instead try to feel more like I don't deserve them because it makes me give more into our relationship. so I guess I'm the opposite of a "nice guy", but at the same time, I just try to be nice all around.
I agree with a lot of that. If something is too easy, it doesn't feel 'special'. A sure fire challenge is to hope for the guy we probably won't get. Which is usually your stereotypical hottie 'bad boy'. Then if they give us attention (no matter how fleeting) we feel a sense of victory.
I know for me, I almost feel guilty if I try and date a 'nice guy'. As if I'm going to corrupt them or hurt them. Past guys who were nice and 'good', suddenly started smoking or doing drugs after dating me. Even if they'd said they were anti those things.
Weirdly I'm one of those girls that got a reformed bad boy, and I am completely happy with that.
Well, I think part of the reason is because us girls tend to think that we can "fix" the jerks. We hope to be the one he'll end all those ridiculous behaviors for. We hope that, although we are not the first he dates/folls around with/whatever, we will be the last one. Fixing/saving a guy from his past gives us a sence of accomplishment. But some guys are just not worth the time.
We fall in love with the person who changes our world.
You, or any relatively kind, honest female, sees, in a jerk, somebody who "needs" their life changed.
So why shouldn't you be the one to show them the proper way to live and treat others... and in doing so, make them realize the beauty of your ways, the errors of their past, and fall in love with you because of your immense kindness in helping them fix their erroneous ways?
Yet in the real world, women don't have it figured out any more than men do, no one can force change in another person without that person already being three steps down the path of their own accord, and epiphanies that matter are few, far between, and tend to drive people apart in a world where it is usually easier to say "I don't care" then "Let me listen".
Women rule the world and dictate the way men should act, dress, look, etc.
I like guys filled with testosterone. I'm not saying "nice" guys don't have testosterone or that aholes automatically have more testosterone because it varies by person and personal opinion. I don't really know how else to describe it than I'm just not feeling the guy regardless if he is nice, not nice, cute, smart, funny, or nearly everything else that I'm looking for. you can make a list of things that you want, but you can't pinpoint chemistry, so I'll know if I like him, like him a lot, or can't stand him. it depends.
OH MY GOD. story of my life. but i have not found my "andy" yet. are there even nice guys out there any more? :\
Eh people in general aren't really all good/bad, nice/mean, so the whole "nice guy" thing has never held up for me. I once had a small crush on a guy my freshman year of high school but thought he was a little too weird/nerdy for me, but overall seemed like a great guy that would make a great boyfriend. Well I ended up dating him my senior year of high school it was the worst relationship I was ever in. He flirted with my best friend in front of me on purpose and a bunch of other bulshit. Yet everyone, including me at first, thought he was the classic "nice guy."
Then a year later I was dating this guy (we weren't official) who came off as a complete asshole. He would ask girls out in front of me, call me nasty names, and (I didn't find this out till it was over for good) had a girlfriend the entire time I was dating him. And yet, he made me feel more desired and wanted then any guy before him ever has.
LoL I so do not miss those days.
Now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy, although he can be an asshole at times. He's 100% committed and devoted and to me that's the most crucial of it all.
Oh and I'm glad you and Andy worked out and btw you're really pretty :).
i'm kind of bored of this topic, so i didn't bother reading it, but i aaaam kind of curious...
does anyone know why sasha's recent exposé on this matter got removed?
I don't actually know any women who date the mysterious bad guy. In fact, most women I know want to date a nice guy. But one that is actually a nice guy.
Nah. Not for me. My boyfriend was nice when I met him and showed interest, pursued me and I him. I liked knowing he was into me and it progressed. Had he been a jerk, no way.
I used to want the "bad boy" when I was 15 years old but I've since grown up. Also, I don't believe that nice guys finish last. Plenty of jerks and players and bad boys get rejected, too, they just don't bitch about it as much as "nice guys."
That's just my opinion anyway. I now search out genuine men, because nice isn't enough.