Monday, 01 October 2012
I have been having a crush on a married colleague for the last few years and I wonder because recently, my feelings have become more serious than just a harmless crush. I remember how I liked him the first moment I saw him. Like love at first sight. I felt he liked me, too, but then there was a wedding band on his finger so I thought I must have been mistaken.
Since then, we've developed a friendship. Months would go by without us seeing/talking each other and then there would be periods where we would just start to chat again. We would chat about personal stuff. I told him about my problems with my bf, etc. He just somehow always re-appears back into my life at moments when I need him (without me actually asking for him).
Over the past month, I have been very unhappy about the state of my relationship; it’s been emotionally painful. My colleague suddenly popped up again in my life. Prior to that, it had been months since we last chatted or saw each other. We don’t work together or on the same floor.
So we started catching up again over IM, and he told me about his problems at home (wife), stress, work etc.... Over several online chats, we somehow started flirting (brought on by some other office gossip) and I wasn't thinking much about it. He spontaneously offered to buy me dinner which I thought was bit "odd" but then again, I've always been the "best friend" type rather the "girlfriend" type so that’s why I don’t read clues like some other people do.
We haven't really made any dinner plans so it may all just be talk! He has made me laugh so much, it has helped me deal with my personal situation. In person he is rather reserved, but still very attentive, and looks me in the eyes when talking to me. He asked me several times but I still haven’t told him about my personal problems. I didn't want to cry in front of him, although I almost did and I wonder if I freaked him out.
The other day I went to his desk to say hi and I felt the way he looked at me that moment (we haven’t seen each other for months!) was somewhat “different.” I could see his glance... like he was in awe. We only exchanged a brief hello and how are you before he rushed off to another meeting.
I know in a way it doesn't really matter. He is taken! I am just thinking whether I am starting to feel more than just a crush for him…. I know people may say it’s just a distraction for both sides, flattery, an ego boost… but we have also been “friends” for the past few years and there is a mutual trust between us, too. There is actually not much hope for anything more, I just can’t help myself feeling the way I feel now.
I am immensely hurt by my boyfriend’s behavior and at present, he is not available for me to address these issues (until he is ready to hear me out) and I know this “crush” can only ever be a “crush.” I have no intention to act upon my feelings. Please don’t judge.
This is only my impression, but maybe the truth is he really just sees me as a friend (which is okay by me) and it's all just in my head because I feel hurt and vulnerable right now, and need some male attention and TLC. I just wanted to share my story. Maybe you can share yours, too.
Ever fancied someone you know you shouldn't?! Was it only illusion or the real thing?