Monday, 01 October 2012
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Suspicious Girls Make the Best Detectives
I'm dating my boyfriend for the second time. We got back together in June and I was iffy, because I dumped him for my own valid reasons and I knew what I was getting into again. He legitimately told his best friend he was going to be the "macho asshole" because his actual personality of being the nice guy apparently didn't work for me before.That's a story for another day, but let me just confirm for the record that no, it did not work, and he pisses me off ALL the time as opposed to once a month when we had first been dating.
Anyway, I noticed one day that he was nonstop texting a girl all day while I was with him, literally from when we got up to when we went to bed. And at one point he tilted the screen away so if I happened to glance over, I couldn't read what he was saying. (However, he blatantly reads my texts over my shoulder all the time.)
I'd never seen this girl's name before, so right away, it was a red flag. He's anti-social, so if he ever makes new friends, they're usually mine.
A couple of days later, those hidden texts were really bothering me. So much that I couldn't help myself: for the first time ever, I snooped through someone's phone. And in his text messages I found that he had been flirting with the girl and he made a joke about showering together. When she said nah, he asked, "If I were single?"
I was livid, but said nothing, and let it go. I'll give him credit for saying he was "kidding" and that he loves me, but he could've been saving face just in case this girl ever turned out to be a love interest. Weeks later, I had mostly forgotten about the incident but then saw he was flirting with the same girl. I read his texts again and had to bite down on my tongue pretty hard.Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when I find he's been flirting with a different girl entirely, at doubled strength, and she was flirting right back--as opposed to the other girl, who was trying to brush it off as best as she could. Much to my surprise, his call list was filled with the second girl's name--he's never called me for anything other than an emergency, but has spent dozens of hours talking to this other girl.
As far as I know, he doesn't hang out with either of these girls, yet I've really started questioning him, his loyalty, and how much trust I should be placing in him.The cherry on top is that I happened to be on his Facebook today while he showered, and, lo and behold, a third girl was flirting with him via messages--a girl who had tried to add me a few days ago, for whatever reason.
Now I'm pissed.
I honestly don't see him as the type of guy to flirt for the sake of flirting, but I guess that could be the case. I'll admit that I flirt with a couple of guy friends occasionally, but I'm just a natural flirt; I can't control it and I mean nothing by it. I know I've broken his trust by going through his phone, but I don't plan on him ever knowing that I have unless I someday deem all of this enough to end our relationship. But as I've found out, he's also broken my trust and I'm rather upset by everything I've read.
I know in my heart I'm not overreacting, but I can't gauge just how worried I should be.
Do you think I shouldn't have gone through his phone at all, or is what I've found more important?
Has an SO ever snooped through your phone? Do you believe flirting is usually with a purpose? Should I confront the matter or let it go?
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Comments (48)
I went through my ex boyfriend now's phone and never found anything! But I went through his facebook and found out that he had gotten a girl pregnant and lied and lied to me over and over about it! He now wont talk to me about it at all! So if your suspicion is right I would leave, you dont want to end up in my situation...I was with him for 5 years!!
Honestly, it'd be enough for me to just go on and leave. I assume he doesn't interact with you the same way he does with these other girls. If he gets pissed at you for snooping, tell him you're pissed at him for keeping this stuff from you in the first place. A healthy relationship should not involve secrets.
They make awesome stalkers, too.
yes, you should not have snooped through his phone or facebook... but the fact that you felt the need to get to that point is sufficient reason enough to end the relationship. obviously you don't trust him whether that be a cause of his actions or you're just a jealous/suspicious/paranoid person.
in my world, you don't flirt with someone while in a relationship. i don't understand how it's justifiable...
If you don't trust someone to the point that you have to check their phone/Facebook/e-mails, you shouldn't be with them. I trust my boyfriend implicitly and I've never even wanted to read his texts or go on his Facebook. If you don't trust someone, don't be with them. Simple.
What's wrong with you? 1) He told his friend he was going to act like an asshole and he is acting like an asshole. Why are you playing games with him? 2) He was an ex, for a reason. Did he give you a good reason to take him back? 3) Go back to number 1.
I have never snooped through anyone's things, nor has anyone ever snooped through mine. I generally trust the people I date. When I was in my 20s I flirted because it was fun. It didn't always mean anything. If I wanted more, I made it clear what I was looking for. He is not a natural flirt? If you can be a natural flirt while in the relationship, so can he. I am sure you have discovered he is perfectly capable of flirting. The dude is playing you like a fiddle. He probably wasn't as "nice" as he acted the first go round with you.
Sigh. What did I just read .__.?
There're so many things wrong with this story, for example: why did you not set clear boundaries on the relationship when you got back with him the second time? Instead of snooping days later, you really should have just demanded him to tell you what's going on with the all night shady texting business right then and there.
What he's doing is not just casual harmless "flirting". He's pushing the boundaries very dangerously close to cheating and basically testing out his options of girls available if he was single. If I were you I would tell him that you know about everything and then leave. He's clearly not devoted to you or the relationship if he's fantasizing about showering with other chicks.
When you have a gut feeling like that it's usually there for a reason.
uh why are you with him? you say his assholeness isn't working, but you're still with him so it looks like it's working.
In the future, there's always the option of asking him who someone is when you see a text message from a name you don't recognize or calling him on it when he tilts the screen away from you. It opens up the communication right there without you having to dig through his stuff, which I think is morally questionable unless he's already consented to it.
Since you did...
I can think of several reasons he might be flirting with other girls. He might be keeping his options open in case you break up. He might be cheating on you (or considering it). He might derive a level of self-esteem from it but have no intentions of acting on it whatsoever - it can be flattering to know people who aren't dating you like you. It might simply be in his nature to flirt in the same way it's in yours.
You need to fix your relationship. I think you should come clean about what you did and then ask about what you found. You clearly don't trust him - otherwise, you wouldn't have snooped through his stuff and you wouldn't be asking us about it. If you're going to be happy within that relationship, you both need to figure out ways to reestablish trust, which will require you to figure out why you don't trust him. That might be an issue of yours that runs deeper than the relationship, and it might simply be his behavior.
Good luck.
That gut feeling was there for a reason.
If he tilted his phone away from you, obviously it was a red flag. I mean, everyone loves privacy, I can't get enough...but when you're in a relationship, there needs to be trust. He gave you a reason to be suspicious because he knew he was doing something shady and tried to hide it. Look on the bright side; better you saw it now then later!
I say move on. You deserve someone who will like you and only you. No secrets.
Me, being introverted in the first place, would have DIED if my boyfriend
hidany sort of relationship with a girl, flirting or not.
"He legitimately told his best friend he was going to be the "macho asshole" because his actual personality of being the nice guy apparently didn't work for me before."
This should have put an end to the relationship right away. Forget the phone problems. He wasn't being himself(whether that was mean or nice). He was trying to be something else to impress you. That usually ends in confusion and heartbreak.
Dump him, duh.
Has an SO ever snooped through your phone? Yes. And I've snooped too. Do you believe flirting is usually with a purpose? It depends on the person. I think flirting in person could be a really insignificant spur of the moment kind of thing, but if a person actually has this person's phone # and takes the time out to call or text them, then that is not innocent at all (1st of all why does he have so many girls #'s that he's obviously interested in? Red flag.) Should I confront the matter or let it go? Confront it. He looks over your shoulder at your texts, you saw a reason to snoop and you snooped...snooping with a purpose is nothing to feel bad about. It's called intuition, more specifically women's intuition. Or you could just dump him, this guy doesn't seem to want monogamy.
"but I'm just a natural flirt; I can't control it and I mean nothing by it." --> double standard, maybe?
I'd say leave him. You obviously don't trust him.
Hate the girl's hairstyle in the picture. She looks like a man.
The only way to move forward--and only if you really believe it'll be worth it---is for both of you to lay everything out on the table. Tell him why you snooped, how it has affected you, the guilt you felt for snooping, etc. Ask him why he feels the need to invest such risks in other girls. I'm willing to bet it has to do with the insecurity of possibly you losing you again.
You say that you flirt too but is it to the extremes he's taking?I don't think he's actually doing much beyond what he's already doing (he probably is only just talking to these girls), but he knows he's crossing a line which is why he hides it.
Honestly, unless you truly believe you can rebuild a solid relationship, I say dump him again, this time for good. The fact that he has been hiding this from you says a lot.
You two obviously don't trust the other, and don't seem to have much reason to between your snooping and his flirting with other girls. Just break it off. I don't think it's quite right that YOU seem to feel like there shouldn't be a problem with you flirting with other guys and that there is one when he flirts with other girls. When I'm in a relationship, my partner and I will flirt with other people, but we do it out in the open because we know that there's no substance behind the flirts and so we have nothing to hide. If he has to hide it then you know the flirting isn't just for fun. I don't even understand why you care since you make him out to sound like an asshole.
Yeah if you ever feel the need to snoop then you do not trust your SO and should talk about it, fix it, or break up. I had my SO needlessly snoop and would pick on silly things like me causally (not insultingly) talking about our relationship with my friends, in order to justify it. Took me a while but she is finally gone.
And also remember, snooping is illegal by precedent in the US. Chances are your SO wont go after you for it, but it outlines how much of a serious invasion of privacy it is.@eatdrinkandbemaryy@xanga - hahaha i had a big lol when i read that. reminded me of another post from a long time ago in which the op complained about her ex, who over the course of a year or two turned from this really great guy into an ahole frat boy (which she suspected was because she dumped him). i had the same thought after that post too--that one attitude got him results, while the other did not.
but that being said, i still don't think i've ever known a girl who preferred dbaggy guys.
I would have been super mad at him after checking his phone. I don't care whether I am supposed to check it or not. He made a move which made me think he's keeping something from me? That is not right, I am going to check it out.
Once he was saying these things to other girls, that's also not ok in my book. But you say stuff like this to other guys? So I don't know if it's acceptable to you.
He doesn't think this is acceptable otherwise he would have shown you what he was writing, not keep it from you.It's too much, I would have either talked it out and sorted it on the spot, left him or continue to not talk it out and accept it as is. Maybe you both can have the sort of relationship where you both flirt with other people and stay together too. If that's your thing and that's ok with you both, then fine. If it's not, then be clear. What do *you* want? You can't flirt with guys and expect him not to do the same. You know?
My ex was using me until his actual gf (which he kept from me) returned from her vacation and the only reason I got out of it was because I looked through his phone while he was drunk. Otherwise, I would still be in that situation and he would've continued because he is sociopathic and a pathological liar. He broke up with me and yet wanted to remain doing things with me and I agreed so long as he has no feelings for anybody or wasn't serious towards anybody. Lol. So technically he cheated on his gf (who is still with him and knows absolutely nothing) and is continuously fooling her and playing victim (said my friends were harassing him and one of them carries a guy when my friends don't really talk to him or even have the time to do any of that and let alone carry a gun..). Oh well. So glad I'm not in that situation. I went through a month of wanting to throw up thinking of the shit he did and felt dirty myself. So yep, leave him.
first and foremost, need not bottle in how u feel and wut u saw. u need to confront him and i think u should end it. there is no trust & when that's gone, the relationship is soon to follow. secondly, yes u were wrong for going through his phone, but that's neither here or there. thirdly, there is nothing wrong with harmless flirting, it's human nature, however, what he is doing, is not "harmless". the fact that he is even texting & talking to other women should be the issue, coupled with the blatant disrespect by doing it directly in front of you is worse. you are subliminally telling him that it's ok for him to treat you this way and that is where you need to draw the line. if you really want this to work, you have to tell him. if you don't want it to work, you have to tell him because TRUST ME, that will NOT be the last time you snoop, especially being that you don't trust him.
I've had an ex snoop through phone, emails, social site messages etc trying to find substance of me cheating on her. Always pissed me off, but I generally found out about it not long after she did it. If she had just told me straight up I might have been mad, but probably not as mad and then we could have talked about it. But finding out someone's snooping on you later is always annoying as hell and just adds fuel to a fire rather than putting it out.
Anyway, you're not unjustified for snooping, as he is doing something that you don't feel is right. However double standards are pretty stupid if you feel it's ok to flirt but don't want him to. Talking about taking showers together and being single might be a little more than innocent flirting when you're currently in a relationship, but dunno the guy or you so don't know how either of you flirts normally. General rule of thumb is if your relationship didn't work out the first time, it's probably not going to work out the next time. Should also definitely tell him you liked his nice guy persona better, if that's how you feel.