Friday, 28 September 2012
I'm so glad to have found this forum as I'm currently undergoing a bit of an anxiety attack over my recent engagement. I'll try to summarize the situation I'm in as I really can't deal with thinking about this so intensely anymore or suffer any more palpitations! Your help is much appreciated!
I have been with my beautiful, kind and thoughtful boyfriend for two years now after meeting whilst traveling abroad in Canada. In terms of respect, fidelity and love, we have no problems whatsoever. In terms of commitment, we have nothing to worry about (he asked me to return with him to Australia although I'm from Ireland, and I did without hesitation) which I believe attests our level of dedication.
We are supportive and sweet to each other and let's just say I'm a very lucky lady in the bedroom department. I know this man loves me very dearly and I know how lucky a girl I am to have him. On paper everything seems perfect and generally speaking most of the time I'm very happy.
However I really need clarification on something before I do commit to marriage as it's a promise I'll make to myself and my fiance. I know myself and my ways and that I'm a romantic and also a bit of a perfectionist. A deadly combination! I can't stop thinking about what an engagement and our relationship 'should' feel like (all consuming, passionate, staying up all night talking).
I know that such expectations are unrealistic but I don't know if my boyfriend's 'the one' when I feel certain things are lacking. For example, I like having interesting conversations including everything from philosophy to farts, but my fiance sometimes has difficulty in maintaining conversation. I am very social and sometimes he just wants to stay in and watch television.
Since I was a young girl, I've always had perfectionist tendencies (order and structure mean security) so I know that what I'm probably doing right now is controlling our relationship to perfectionist standards which I know of course is unattainable and unfair. I get frustrated when my fiance doesn't want to engage in interesting conversation or when he can become a little reserved when out.
I keep thinking of this imaginary 'perfect guy.' I know that for perfectionists if something is not exactly 100% certain, that they give up and go off again in search of something that they can't possibly find.
A guy I met just before my fiance was close to that ideal but nothing came of it as we lived far away. I'm sure If anything did develop with him, I probably would have found all these other 'flaws' with him as well. But I can never be sure of myself. I just don't want to hurt my fiance but at the same time, I don't want to ruin my first chance with true, secure and commited love that I think I've found with him.
Please help! Is the problem with me and my romantic perfectionist ideals? Am I a chronically dissatisfied person?
Am I just scared of change or of what the future will bring? Am I just an idiot that needs to get over herself and realize what she's got?