Friday, 28 September 2012
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I'm Newly Engaged and Terrified! Love vs Passion
Hi there,I'm so glad to have found this forum as I'm currently undergoing a bit of an anxiety attack over my recent engagement. I'll try to summarize the situation I'm in as I really can't deal with thinking about this so intensely anymore or suffer any more palpitations! Your help is much appreciated!
I have been with my beautiful, kind and thoughtful boyfriend for two years now after meeting whilst traveling abroad in Canada. In terms of respect, fidelity and love, we have no problems whatsoever. In terms of commitment, we have nothing to worry about (he asked me to return with him to Australia although I'm from Ireland, and I did without hesitation) which I believe attests our level of dedication.
We are supportive and sweet to each other and let's just say I'm a very lucky lady in the bedroom department. I know this man loves me very dearly and I know how lucky a girl I am to have him. On paper everything seems perfect and generally speaking most of the time I'm very happy.However I really need clarification on something before I do commit to marriage as it's a promise I'll make to myself and my fiance. I know myself and my ways and that I'm a romantic and also a bit of a perfectionist. A deadly combination! I can't stop thinking about what an engagement and our relationship 'should' feel like (all consuming, passionate, staying up all night talking).
I know that such expectations are unrealistic but I don't know if my boyfriend's 'the one' when I feel certain things are lacking. For example, I like having interesting conversations including everything from philosophy to farts, but my fiance sometimes has difficulty in maintaining conversation. I am very social and sometimes he just wants to stay in and watch television.Since I was a young girl, I've always had perfectionist tendencies (order and structure mean security) so I know that what I'm probably doing right now is controlling our relationship to perfectionist standards which I know of course is unattainable and unfair. I get frustrated when my fiance doesn't want to engage in interesting conversation or when he can become a little reserved when out.
I keep thinking of this imaginary 'perfect guy.' I know that for perfectionists if something is not exactly 100% certain, that they give up and go off again in search of something that they can't possibly find.A guy I met just before my fiance was close to that ideal but nothing came of it as we lived far away. I'm sure If anything did develop with him, I probably would have found all these other 'flaws' with him as well. But I can never be sure of myself. I just don't want to hurt my fiance but at the same time, I don't want to ruin my first chance with true, secure and commited love that I think I've found with him.
Please help! Is the problem with me and my romantic perfectionist ideals? Am I a chronically dissatisfied person?
Am I just scared of change or of what the future will bring? Am I just an idiot that needs to get over herself and realize what she's got?
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- From: milliemoo
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Comments (26)
Passion fades. Maintaining a solid, functioning relationship actually takes effort from both parties. If you've known this guy long enough to be seriously considering a lifelong future with him (and you are of sound mind and judgement), then it is likely that this 'passion' you speak of has faded with time and you'll probably need to work on that aspect of the relationship. Also, I don't like this word "should" -- it implies a relative state of being. A comparison or expectation, so to speak -- neither or which are good, in my opinion.
I must admit, that I am also a bit of a perfectionist and have found myself having these same thoughts in my own previous relationships. My long-term relationship checklist? Am I and will I be happy sharing my life with his person? Do we share similar financial and family goals? And (half joking / half serious) is the sex good and can this person tolerate me and my crazy self?
What things are lacking? Do you need these things from your SO inorder to be happy? Or can you supplement with close friendships?
If you are a perfectionist, then it is likely that you are chronically dissatisified. I believe this to be true because I also suffer from this problem.
Honestly, he sounds like a good catch. Smile. Be happy. Be grateful. :)
To be honest and somewhat blatant here, in my opinion, if you felt the need to ask a blogging community this, you're not ready to spend the rest of your life with him.
I hate when girls do this. They have the perfect guy and they confuse themselves with these questions. I feel like you're picking on tiny things that don't even matter because you're afraid. Let me give it to you straight, there will ALWAYS be another guy but at some point you have to tell yourself "I know there might be other guys out there that could make me happy, but I don't want them. I want this one."
I also feel like you're one of those girls who wants her relationship to be like a romance novel but life is far from that. Wake up and realize you have an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who loves you.
I feel like too many people treat their relationships like technology these days. Always wanting all specifications to be top notch. You're right in that you are trying to be a perfectionist. There is nothing wrong with it and sometimes being a perfectionist can land you with the perfect person. However it is more about prioritizing what select aspects need to be to your standard in a relationship. It cannot always be everything.
There is a big ol' world out there for stuff like philosophical conversations. It doesn't have to be your S.O. However if you feel like stuff like that is what makes you, you, then perhaps you need someone who can share in that. Learning to live with imperfection can be beneficial regardless of relationship decisions.Sounds like you're not ready to get married. Why don't you use this engagement period to address these issues you have. Tell him that there are things in your relationship with each other that you would like to work on.
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for 2 years, and are far from the engagement/marriage path, but we talk about marriage a lot. It's been a really frustrating issue for me that he only wants to hang out with his friends (he only really has 1 good friend out here) but won't even meet my friends. He expects me to hang out with people in his life, but people in my life seem less important to him, and it really bothers me. This is something I'd need to work out with him before I said yes.
A perfect man doesn't just land in your lap - two people try to work out issues and make things better. If someone isn't willing to at least make an effort, then at least you know you are incompatible in that specific area, and then you ask yourself if that specific issue is really that important to you or not. If you think nothing is going to change and that you will be unhappy in your marriage because of it, then well, there you go, there's your answer.
It seems as though you're trying to find things wrong with your relationship. If it doesn't need to be fixed, it's not broken. There isn't one specific way being in love or engaged "should" feel. It's just what it is and that's okay.
It sounds like you have a great relationship and you should calm down and enjoy this time in your life. Some people would kill for it.
Also, I think it's normal to ask yourself these questions and you SHOULD because you need to be 100% positive that you're ready for this commitment, if you're not then it's better you find out sooner than later.. it's much less expensive that way.
If you're having reservations but you honestly love this guy, you don't have to get married soon. Engagements don't come with a deadline. Perfection is unattainable and ridiculous to ask of your partner. You know you're not perfect either. How would you feel if he was feeling iffy about you because you weren't the perfect human ideal? From the way you have described him, you could do a lot worse.
I would say, stay engaged. Get comfortable with one another as you are with yourself alone. Live together, find out what habits you didn't know the other person has. When you find out all of your quirks are compatible and you love each other, still (You also shouldn't expect him to change his feelings on socializing. That's probably just the way he is. He can't help it any more than you can't help wanting to socialize.) Then marry the man.
@light_blue_fables@xanga - What this person said.
I think you're thinking too much into this. Are there other problems besides him not being very sociable?
My bf is the one that loves talking in my relationship. If we are with a group of people, he can easily dominate the conversation and just start talking. Everyone else will interact, but majority of the time, I'll just usually listen. I listen because that's what I'm better at. Sure I'll say something here and there, but not always. It doesn't bother him either because he knows what I'm like, and I'm just not someone that talks a lot.
Sure, ideally we would all love certain things, but I really don't think you'll find that person that is 100% perfect (you might..but that's going to be very rare). If he satisfies almost all your other needs, and he makes you happy, then be happy.
Yes you are definitely looking for perfection and you're absolutely cheating yourself! You know it too. This is something you have to change within yourself, not something with him. Every guy has his flaws, I honestly don't think you would be more satisfied with another guy. The next guy will have something wrong with him too.
Actually, my man has all the qualities that you described. He's faithful and devoted. Our relationship is wonderful. He also isn't as outgoing as I'd like to him to be, and we definitely don't go out as often as I'd like. He's not very romantic in the traditional sense. But he's still perfect to me. Because he provides me with the safeness and love I've never felt from anyone before. Because although he doesn't leave little notes for me to find or buy me flowers, he squeezes my thigh every now and then. He is genuine, sincere, and a damn good guy. And you know that's what really counts. So stop having your panties in a bunch! enjoy him! Not every girl is so lucky to get the chance.You sound like you have enough honesty and insight into yourself that therapy to address your perfectionism issues could really benefit you. Not just in the area of relationships, but make your entire life more relaxed and enjoyable.
If you don't address this now, I think you stand a good chance of either nagging him to death, driving yourself nuts trying to force yourself to accept things that are making you crazy, or cheating on him when someone comes along that you suspect is closer to your "perfect man"
Get help now, and put off the marriage until you get a lot more clarity about what is going on with you.
Finding the "perfect" person isn't what makes relationships successful. It's finding someone who is committed and compatible who shares the same goals we do. Then you create an awesome life together, not expect one ready made to fall into your lap.
The concept "perfect" is a narrow paranoid idea. Learning to see all the different ways "awesome" can manifest in our lives is a freeing empowering way to live.
i personally do not believe in the concept and societly construct of marriage and therefore i will never get married but, for the people who do believe in these sorts of things you should know that this whole "perfect guy" thing is an ideal made by hollywood and romance story writers.
there is not actual perfect guy. you just have to get to know the person and evaluate whether you will be able to stand living the rest of your life with them you could always divorce if it doesnt work out but divorce is costly and traumatizing to the parties involved (but that doesnt mean that if you have children you should stay together, i know from first hand experience that sometimes divorce is better than watching your parents live through and unhappy marriage).
if you can stand this guy for a week and a month and a year then maybe you should take it to the marriage level. the most important thing i would say is to take your time. its ok to have cold feet just remember there is a point in time where there is no turning back and you dont want to get there before you are ready.
No there is nothing wrong with you. The label of "perfectionism" have negative connotations attached to it so I prefer the term high standards. I too, have high standards, it's really just wanting the best for yourself and never settling for less. . I see other people as having low standards and those people will see me as having too lofty standards. So it's all perspective relative. Don't let labels get you down.
As for your problem, I know first hand what you're going through. My bf did not meet all my standards either and it killed me because while I loved him, I refused to compromise my values that I've worked my entire life in creating and perfecting. The issue with not being able to have stimulating conversations until dawn is also something I experienced. I believe it was resolved by my bringing up the fact that he's a dull person for not thinking deeply about life, and then him getting defensive and telling me his philosophies, and me rebuting with my own philosophies. From then on after that incident we talked (debated) a lot about philosophies, values and beliefs. It's fun. You should try to ask him questions about what he thinks, and challenge his answers with counter arguments (even if you don't really believe in them), that should get the juices flowing. As for the extrovert/introvert part, I've never had that problem because I never bothered with social butterflies, but it seems like you two actually would need to compromise on this issue because extroversion and introversion are innate traits that cannot be changed.
I don't know what other issues you're having with him. But you should definitely tell him what's bothering you, especially your doubts about your engagement. My bf adapted to my 'perfectionist' traits and if your bf loves you, he should try to work with you regarding your demands as well. Good luck.
I feel the same way with my boyfriend. We're not engaged... not yet, thankfully... but he's going to pop the question as soon as we're financially stable. I'm hoping it will be a while. Everyone claims we're the perfect match and I think so, too. I can't help wanting more, though. Hoping for more. Dreaming of more. Desiring more. I don't know why. I feel like I'll never be satisfied, either, no matter how wonderful the man is. Sometimes it just happens. There's nothing wrong with you. If there is, then there's something wrong with me, too!! Maybe you should have a long engagement. It may also be if you didn't date enough guys to see if there's more you want or need in a relationship. I know for certain I've met many guys, but haven't ever dated them to see... because I can't imagine breaking up with my current boyfriend.
All I can say is this: follow your heart. I mean it. If it feels right, then it is. But if you think it is lacking now, what will you feel like five, ten, fifteen years from now? Marriage is a serious commitment. I hope you can find what your heart needs soon!
before you get married, go do premarital counseling.. It sounds like you had an idea in your head of what your spouse will be like, and what your relationship will be like.. and you are panicking because the images you had does not match up with reality. This is normal.. but you need to work through it before you marry him, or chose not to.
stop over thinking everything and realize what you've got!
Read what you wrote in your blog. Sounds as if you are unsure...and that is ok. Perhaps, this guy is not the one for you...does not mean that he is an awful person...may mean that both of you just don't mesh...
If you are not sure, it is best to have a long engagement, because once you are married, it would be unfair to him for him to find out that you are not totally committed to him..nor love him as much as he deserves to be loved.
At any rate, if you wish to remain in this relationship, have a long engagement and do not marry anyone at this time, even if he is a great guy.
If you are not happy with him, there are many other men out there... Keep looking.
Good luck, dear.
I feel people often misinterpret their own feelings - especially when they have some fairy tale idea of what a relationship is. It's so important to realize that expectations and reality are two different things. Just because something does not exactly meet your expectations doesn't mean it's bad. We're not Tumblr memes after all :P
When I first started dating my boyfriend a year ago it concerned me that I didn't have many butterfly feelings for him like I've had with crushes in the past. I say crushes because I didn't really date before him. I thought about it and realized (ironically inspired by an episode of Sex and the City) that I wasn't feeling butterflies because there was no uncertainty in the relationship and I knew for sure that he liked me - butterflies often come from not knowing where you stand with the person in which you are interested. And that is exactly what I wanted, certainty, even more than a fairy tale, hot and heavy romance.
My advice would be to sit down and think about all of the things between you and your fiance that makes your relationship special. What made you stay with him for two years? What made you say yes when he proposed? Maybe what you feel for him is not the same as what happens at the end of a romantic comedy. Maybe your love is more steadfast and subtle. Then you need to decide if that's what you want. I mean, certainty and stability count a lot more in long term relationships and marriage than va va voom do. But if you truly want to hold out for something different, then it's best you figure this out and let him know right away.
In my opinion you are thinking into this way too much. You aren't suppose to feel a "certain" way when engaged, everyone is different. You need to ask yourself if your ready for marriage and being with this guy the rest of your life. I am married to a perfectionist and let me tell you it is hard to deal with at times. You seem to be tip picking everything that you shouldn't be worrying about. You want to have a meaningful conversation, talk to your friends. You will sometimes have nothing to talk about with your other half, but that has to be alright with you. When you are in a committed relationship you have to love a person for everything, including their flaws. Nobody is perfect and I'm sure you have flaws as well. My husband tip picks all my weaknesses and that hurts me a lot, so we are working on fixing that. Don't make the mistake in making your man feel like an idiot, he sounds like a great guy. If you love him and he treats you good, why question if he's the one. You are never going to know that that, life is NOT a fairytale. Good luck.
Go to premarital counseling.
it's normal for you to be questioning things... marriage is a HUGE deal and i applaud you for actually thinking this over... instead of falling in love with the idea of marriage and forgetting the reality of it all. you will never find the "perfect" guy. there will always be things that bother you about your mate, but the question you have to really ask yourself and evaluate is... can you see yourself with this guy ten years down the line?? the things about him seem fixable. talk to him.
listen.. most of the time, the grass is not greener on the other side. you may have a very good thing next to you. the best, actually.
First of all, Do not think there is anything wrong with you! there is nothing wrong with you. What you are feeling is totally normal. Marriage is a huge commitment for most anyway. Ask yourself do you see yourself with out him? Just remember there is no "perfect" guy there is just perfect for you. Unfortunetly no one can tell you what to do in this situation. Only you know what your heart is saying. You will figure it out. I agree with miss_lyrical the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side! I also agree with randaness I would seek a premarital counseling it could help you out. Best of luck, and follow your heart and intuition. He sounds like a great guy.
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Hi,
Im not sure if you found your solution since you posted this a few months ago but I want to help. I had the exact same problem! We have something called ROCD - relationship OCD. Google it youll find so much info. Anyways, one way I felt better was reading Sheryl Paul (a therapist's) blog called Concious Transitions. Many of the articles on her blog are exactly what you are saying. SHe says the reason you are feeling this way is because of anxiety. Your relationship is perfectly fine, you just need to get over your fear. Read her blog and let me know if that helps at all