Thursday, 27 September 2012
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Sleeping with Someone During a Break-Up
I knew this would happen.So, as it is extremely apparent now (or even before now, really), I have gotten back together with my ex "R." Not -officially- yet, since it is up to me to ask him out this time because he is giving me the freedom to stay “single” as long as I desire since he was the one that horrendously fucked it up last time.
I was thinking about "asking him out" (it looks so elementary but whatever, it’s cute) this Friday. The only problem is I have a skeleton in the closet and I don’t know when the best time to clear it is, if ever.
Basically, at the beginning of Summer (May 13th to be exact) R dumped me because I would not attend a party he and his roommate were having that weekend, because we fought over petty shit every time we drank. He would get mad at me if I took a round of shots with friends without him, he would get mad if I didn’t invite him to tag along to make a quick trip to the gas station with a couple of other people and he even got mad at me when I went in another room in my house without telling him where I was going.
Basically, nothing was going too great at this point and it ended in an explosion of voice mails and angry texts from him when I went out with my sister that night whilst taking a break from his party scene to let things settle. Then on the drive home from my sister's the next morning, I found out from a friend that he publicly ended the relationship on Facebook without telling me.
All summer he’s sending me these sad or angry texts, I am fed up, he won’t leave me alone though I tell him to, I tell him to move on and that we won’t be getting back together. Just straight bull for the better part of the three months of summer.He went crazy after the break-up (harassing, self-loathing), and I went my own kind of crazy. I rolled a couple of times, I got tattoos on a whim and I even considered bleaching my hair. I ALSO slept with someone during this break-up because not only did I NOT anticipate even ever talking to him again, I DECIDED we would NEVER date again. Little did I know, right?
When I started talking to him again I made it clear that I did not care what he decided to do over the Summer- that is his business. If he had a fling or two then that’s not up to me to judge because we were both upset about the break-up, and we were single. He agreed… but I know deep down he really does not agree.
A couple of days ago he was lingering on this nightmare he had about how he met a guy that I had gotten with during the three months we were apart, and that he was very mad at the guy and the situation. I kind of laughed it off and avoided it. He brought it up again, and I intercepted with a new subject again. My guideline is that if he blatantly asks me, “Did you do anything with anyone while we were broken up over the summer?” I will not lie to him and tell him yes, yes I did. He has yet to ask though.Which loops me back to my problem. I want to ask him out and be official with him again, but what if this skeleton comes out? How will it affect us? Should I tell him before or after I ask him to be with me? Or should I remain quiet and wait for him to potentially bring it up?
It sucks because I wish I could just leave all of this where it belongs: in the past. Knowing him, he will be greatly affected by this and upset to the highest degree.
I realized the more I cared about him, the more I felt bad about this because I know it will hurt him. I am really afraid of losing him at this point, which is why I don’t know what to do.
I feel like it isn’t fair for me to be criticized for this since I know he had his own agenda as well (he had a bet with someone on who would have sex with a specific girl first, bought condoms, and was hitting up on chicks over the summer). The only difference between us is that I actually got it. Same intentions, though.
My friend P told me, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" (P was with me on my Vegas trip over the summer) and that I should not be concerned with it because he dumped me and therefore we were single and free. She said she wouldn’t say anything, but I feel like hiding this is the equivalent to lying at some point.
Please help me!
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- From: CandiedXHearts@xanga
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Comments (38)
I hate teenagers.
Ditch him, find a new guy, start fresh. All the faffing about isn't worth it. Sleeping with someone, while it technically has no baring on your relationship, it will rip him up inside if you tell him. Just save the guy some angst and move on.
What @xDark_horizonx@xanga said.
From what you say here, he didn't treat you well. You aren't dating (and you didn't wrong him by sleeping with another person). You may care about him, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I think it'd ultimately be best for both of you to move on.
@xDark_horizonx@xanga - "Ditch him, find a new guy, start fresh."
Oh? Because that somehow isn't the exact same mistake this post says she made once already and regrets it now?
She said "Please help me!" not "Please teach me to not care how my actions effect the people I care about!".
Move on? It sounds to me like she already tried that.
She should either move forward or move on from dating, otherwise she's going to end up doing the same thing to someone else that he did to her.
You know, it's not really anyones business who you're sleeping with. If he asks directly and you feel like you should tell him, then you should. I don't see why people need to share who they slept with though even in committed relationships. I've been in relationships before and have been asked and I tell them it's not their business. My number is very low, as well, but I really don't see why it's their business. If I had an STD or whatever I would tell them, but my dating would also be very different I suppose. It's just really not his business. If it hurts you that much to not tell him, then you should tell him, but if you're trying to figure out if you should feel that bad, you shouldn't. You were single and out of a relationship you really cared about. That doesn't make you a bad person.
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - Umm... if he is upset by it and she regrets it then yeah, she
did wrong him by sleeping with another person. His feelings aren't for her to decide, nor are they an opinion you can argue for her and "win" just because he isn't on Datingish and can't tell her directly.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - He has a right to his feelings whatever they may be, but his reaction doesn't dictate what's ethical. IMO, it's not unethical to sleep with someone else (particularly someone otherwise unrelated to the issue) post-break-up.
This is, of course, aside from the fact that he was the one who broke up with her and that he was also trying to sleep with other people. She didn't do anything he wasn't trying to do himself.
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - He wouldn't have to try so damn hard if it weren't so easy for her to successfully sleep with someone else, would he?
I think you need to take a step back and look at the situation. Firstly - why did you break up in the first place? Lots of arguments, right? What were the causes? If it was his behaviour while drinking - has that changed? Because if not, the same problems are going to re-surface again in a month or so. You can't go back to an old relationship without fixing the problems that caused it to end in the first place.
Secondly, when things ended, you say you both went a bit off the rails. I'm not criticising, I've done it too, but again, think of his behaviour. You say he harassed you - do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of that kind of behaviour? You say you went crazy too. Are you really ready to get back with him? Do you want to, or are you just going back to what's familiar? Think back over your relationship - the good AND the bad. It seems like he was possessive and volatile - those are NOT good traits. If you believe he can/has changed, then by all means give him another chance, but you need to start things fresh. Tell him everything that happened over the summer with this other guy so he knows exactly where he stands.
However, I would say - take a break. Don't get back together yet. Take some more time to think things over and really decide whether he is worth the heartache and the drama that he put you through. Will things be different this time around? If the answer is no, the best thing to do is move on and sort your head out from all this. Good luck :)
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - "do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of that kind of behaviour?"
Oh bullshit, everyone is "capable" of that kind of behavior. If you don't see it from him it's either because the relationship is going well or because he doesn't mind you sleeping with someone else (i.e. he doesn't mind sleeping with someone else either).
Dean Winchester: I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos - you know, Michael Landon. Not dicks.
Castiel: Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I'm a soldier.
Good guys look a hell of a lot like bad guys when good people do bad things.
@OP - Tell him and ask him out in the same sentence. That is fair.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - stop trolling everyone's comments and just write your own.
@xDark_horizonx@xanga - lololol
He doesn't sound like the kind of guy that can handle that kind of truth. Not saying what you should do but expect him to flip out after you tell him and also expect that this issue will be thrown back in your face when an argument arise.
I was in a similar situation. When there was a rough patch, my guy and i would go looking for other people but we weren't talking to each other. He wasn't successful, I told him. I told him that he has no rights to be angry at me especially since he did the same thing. I was just successful.
Just tell him he's a hypocrite if he gets mad. I told my guy right away when I hooked up with someone else when I thought we weren't talking anymore. I never keep things like that from him.
If he treated you like crap the first time around what makes you think he won't again? Ditch this guy and find someone who doesn't create so much drama.
Hm, he broke up with you, you two were single, so guess what? You do whatever the hell you want after that. Can he be hurt from it? Absolutely. But does he have a right to? Absolutely not. Have you ever considered dating someone who won't get mad at you for not telling him that you're going to another room at your own house? You might want to think about it.
Just tell him you slept with someone. You have to tell the truth if you want to make it work this time.
This guy's a piece of work. Stay away. But, clearly you want what you want and you think you want this douchebag. So, in the name of honesty, you should tell him what you did over summer as well as ask him what he did, so that if you do go into a relationship with this person again you know exactly who and what you're dealing with. You don't want your summer fun to come back and bite you in the ass during fall doing you? Honestly, he sounds crazy possessive and overbearing and just plain nuts, but if you want to ask him out, get everyone's cards on the table first.
you slept with another guy and want to know if he'd still care, because if he bothers to ask, then that seems to show his jealousy and he still has some feelings for you since you wouldn't normally ask an ex about their sex life or who they are interacting with unless he still cares. I think both of you might be playing the prideful waiting game. he is probably waiting to see if you'd directly tell him since that would show that you still care and you are waiting for him to ask if you've been with anyone else. who will admit/ask first, only time will tell...or not.
Why do people cling on to these relationships that are so clearly messed up? I don't get it.
Why does it matter what you did when you two were apart? If he asks, tell him the truth - it's none of his business. Not to mention, he is being a controlling fuckwit. I wouldn't go back to him if you paid me.
You two are going to break up again no matter what. Sooner, rather than later if you tell him.
Wait, why do you want to be with this guy? Sounds like it's not going anywhere.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - ha ha ha, props.
Seems Datingish's all-purpose answer for all relationship problems is "He's a douche bag. Get a new boyfriend" or "High school is for studying. You're too young to date"
Though all things considered, seems like this skeleton is going to be a problem later. In my experience, the little problems now become BIG problems later. Find a way to solve it. If he takes it well, then everything is good-great-right. If he doesn't take it well, then your chances together will end, and you'll know for sure that he's not the right guy and needs a good dumping.