Thursday, 27 September 2012
So, as it is extremely apparent now (or even before now, really), I have gotten back together with my ex "R." Not -officially- yet, since it is up to me to ask him out this time because he is giving me the freedom to stay “single” as long as I desire since he was the one that horrendously fucked it up last time.
I was thinking about "asking him out" (it looks so elementary but whatever, it’s cute) this Friday. The only problem is I have a skeleton in the closet and I don’t know when the best time to clear it is, if ever.
Basically, at the beginning of Summer (May 13th to be exact) R dumped me because I would not attend a party he and his roommate were having that weekend, because we fought over petty shit every time we drank. He would get mad at me if I took a round of shots with friends without him, he would get mad if I didn’t invite him to tag along to make a quick trip to the gas station with a couple of other people and he even got mad at me when I went in another room in my house without telling him where I was going.
Basically, nothing was going too great at this point and it ended in an explosion of voice mails and angry texts from him when I went out with my sister that night whilst taking a break from his party scene to let things settle. Then on the drive home from my sister's the next morning, I found out from a friend that he publicly ended the relationship on Facebook without telling me.
All summer he’s sending me these sad or angry texts, I am fed up, he won’t leave me alone though I tell him to, I tell him to move on and that we won’t be getting back together. Just straight bull for the better part of the three months of summer.
He went crazy after the break-up (harassing, self-loathing), and I went my own kind of crazy. I rolled a couple of times, I got tattoos on a whim and I even considered bleaching my hair. I ALSO slept with someone during this break-up because not only did I NOT anticipate even ever talking to him again, I DECIDED we would NEVER date again. Little did I know, right?
When I started talking to him again I made it clear that I did not care what he decided to do over the Summer- that is his business. If he had a fling or two then that’s not up to me to judge because we were both upset about the break-up, and we were single. He agreed… but I know deep down he really does not agree.
A couple of days ago he was lingering on this nightmare he had about how he met a guy that I had gotten with during the three months we were apart, and that he was very mad at the guy and the situation. I kind of laughed it off and avoided it. He brought it up again, and I intercepted with a new subject again. My guideline is that if he blatantly asks me, “Did you do anything with anyone while we were broken up over the summer?” I will not lie to him and tell him yes, yes I did. He has yet to ask though.
Which loops me back to my problem. I want to ask him out and be official with him again, but what if this skeleton comes out? How will it affect us? Should I tell him before or after I ask him to be with me? Or should I remain quiet and wait for him to potentially bring it up?
It sucks because I wish I could just leave all of this where it belongs: in the past. Knowing him, he will be greatly affected by this and upset to the highest degree.
I realized the more I cared about him, the more I felt bad about this because I know it will hurt him. I am really afraid of losing him at this point, which is why I don’t know what to do.
I feel like it isn’t fair for me to be criticized for this since I know he had his own agenda as well (he had a bet with someone on who would have sex with a specific girl first, bought condoms, and was hitting up on chicks over the summer). The only difference between us is that I actually got it. Same intentions, though.
My friend P told me, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" (P was with me on my Vegas trip over the summer) and that I should not be concerned with it because he dumped me and therefore we were single and free. She said she wouldn’t say anything, but I feel like hiding this is the equivalent to lying at some point.
Please help me!