Thursday, 27 September 2012
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Torn Between Two Guys
This post was submitted by Sarah.
To set the story up, I currently have a boyfriend, though lately he hasn't been treating like I feel I ought to be. It has been making me feel like crap on a daily basis. Recently a friend of mine has started to show genuine interest, and has been making me feel a lot more special than my boyfriend has as of late.
I met my friend at the beginning of this school year and we would talk and poke fun at each other basically everyday. About a month ago, we had to fill out a fake application in class. He took my paper from me and got my number. It didn't bother me, and we began to casually text each other. Here's where it starts to take a turn: about two weeks ago he text me in class and confessed that he thinks that I'm really cute and has since day one.
Being mindful and respectful of the fact that I have a boyfriend I responded by saying, "Thanks. :)" Ever since that day, he has reminded me that I am cute.
The other day though I was messing with him and told him he was a weirdo but that it was okay because I am too. He replied by saying that weird is the new hot and that I am his inspiration. We quarreled a few weeks ago, but ultimately his unrelenting charm and persistence to win back my friendship and affections won me over and I couldn't help but smile and blush.
Over the course of our friendship I have caught him numerous times staring at me in class, and one time we even turned a corner and nearly ran right into each other...because we were both texting the other. We even share a mutual, dorky love for playing Minecraft. While he has never done anything to purposely come between my boyfriend and I, he tells me all the time that my boyfriend is so lucky to have me and while I agree, I don't know if my boyfriend would...We've been dating for a year. The first half was great and sweet. But after that he started getting...mean. He raises his voice at me for sounding upset, for getting upset WHEN he yells at me, and when I tell him to calm down when he gets pissed off. When I try to give him a quick kiss and an "I love you" while he's playing video games, he no longer returns the motion and ignores me. Not that I expect a return every time, but to never do it anymore hurts.
He makes me feel like crap on a daily basis, mostly by raising his voice at me for stupid things. I still love him, and we have plenty in common. Of course we have little inside jokes and know everything about each other as any couple that has been dating as long as we have, but I don't know if it's enough anymore.
All feelings for my friend aside, I'm not sure if my current boyfriend is right for me anymore. It seems that the grass may be greener on the other side, but what if he turns out to be a complete jerk too? Advice?
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Comments (27)
I say chose the second one that came along bc if u really loved/liked the first one, you wouldn't be thinking about someone else.
I've been in this situation before and...can't exactly tell you what is right thing to do. It really depends on your heart. It seems that you are drifting apart from your boyfriend..and you need to openly talk to him about it..to see if the communication can improve your relationship. If you don't give it a fighting chance then of course you're setting for it to fail. If you still love your bf as much as you say you still do, I say give it your all first and let him know about how you're feeling. If even after that things don't progress then perhaps it's time to let go. But I wouldn't rush into a relationship with the said friend either.. Get to know each other better before heading into a relationship would be the wise thing to do.
Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about the way things are going? If you don't want to be with him anymore, that's one thing, but don't break up with him FOR your friend. Do it for yourself. If you are willing to leave your current boyfriend with the wrong intentions, I think the same thing could happen in the future. Don't just rush into another relationship, give it time to develop naturally.
Also, you haven't known your friend for very long, first impressions are often misleading. The grass may seem greener on the other side but it could just be filled with bullshit.
@NeedToLose115@xanga - I think Johnny Depp is hot and all, but I kind of like him less for that quote. If anyone thnks that they wouldn't be attracted to another person if they really loved someone than they might as well never be in a long term monogamous relationship... because that's definitely not true.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Communicate with him, tell him what you told us, and see how he reacts. Try to fix the current relationship, if it doesn't work out then you should cut the cord. But never break up because there's someone else (i.e. your friend) that is tempting you to do it. You should be willing to break up with your current bf regardless of a there being a potential new boyfriend.
"He makes me feel like crap on a daily basis" is all I'd need to know.
I know of a girl who is having this exact same issue.
This is the same pattern I always see:
Girl1 has relationship with Guy1, honeymoon period ends, Guy2 compliments Girl1, Girl1 starts comparing Guy1 to Guy2, Guy1 feels like Girl1 is starting to pick on their faults, when really Girl1 is trying to measure up Guy1 with Guy2. Guy1 becomes anxious, irritable and less caring leading Girl1 to become reaffirmed. Girl1 contemplates leaving Guy1 (but stays because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings). Guy1 contemplates leaving Girl1 (but stays because of the sex). It all falls apart, Guy1 starts to develop the same 'grass is always greener' syndrome as Girl1 has, they break up. they move on. the cycle starts all over again.
I suppose a guy could be the one who starts thinking the grass is greener first, but it seems rarer.
My advice:
All guys are jerks to a certain degree. It just depends if you are a jerk to an equal degree or not. Don't be afraid to shop around, too many people spend too much time trying to fix relationships that are failing. Remember that old saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea"? Well while it might not apply to the actual sea anymore, it more than applies to humans.If someone makes you feel like crap, you definitely should talk to them about it and try to work it out. If that doesn't work, then you shouldn't feel obligated to stick around. At least you put in the effort to work things out. That's not saying jump into something else with someone immediately after, but sometimes knowing that someone else likes you and treats you better is kind of the push you need to get out of a bad relationship. I was dating a guy who started to treat me badly, we had broken up, and were trying to work on things. This other guy came along and treated me really amazingly. I realized there was something wrong with what I was trying to fix because my ex had never treated me as well as the second guy. It took me awhile to break off everything with my ex, and I didn't jump into a relationship with the second guy. It just really opened my eyes.
If hes making you feel like crap you shouldn't be with him.
Think of a relationship like owning a car and your time and effort as money. You don't just buy the first thing you see and you don't stay with a car that has turn into a clunker over the years. Yes you can fix it but at some point, you have to just let it go if it's more trouble then it's worth. That's not to say you should jump from car to another after you grow bored of it, you only have a finite amount of money to invest. The right car, much like the right relationship, will last you a lifetime and will be the source of many great memories. Why yes, I am a guy making car analogy about relationship. =)
Perhaps the new guy is making you feel special because the old boyfriend makes you feel like crap?
If your bf make you feel like crap, please leave him. I once had an ex that put me down all the time saying I need to change this and that just to be the perfect girl in his perspective. I end up breaking up with him too many times. That time I was torn between another frd and him. I should have break up and be with my frd because at least that frd make me feel special. He like me for being me and never wanted to change.
After all this is your problem, even if we gave you advice, the one making the final choice is you. Just make a decision that you won't regret,
Communicate with your boyfriend and if things don't change, cut your loss. Before you jump into another relationship, be single and enjoy it. Don't rush into anything. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
you should either talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel, or just go ahead and break up with him. either way, something obviously has to change with that situation. if you let it go on as it is now, you will end up resenting him until something explodes. if you want it to work, you need to communicate more. it sounds like one of two things: he either just doesn't understand what you're upset about, or, he does and he's avoiding dealing with the problem. you should be allowed to be upset and to receive affection. he can't take that away from you and expect everything to be ok. however, you also can't expect him to be a mind reader.
i also agree with others here that you should not break up with him and then leap into another relationship. be single and gain some emotional independence. when you are finally ready for another relationship, you will be stronger, you'll have a better idea of what you want, and you will take less bullshit.
btw, this is advice i would have given myself about 5 years ago. hindsight is 20/20.
So I usually do not read these all the way through or comment but I seriously am in the same situation now. I agree with mostly everyone, it may be time for change. It really depends on what your heart is telling you though. I mean look at my situation, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years & its been mostly great, but recently we have been fighting a lot since I'm 21 now & he doesn't trust me much. I've been talking to a guy from home (I'm away at college atm) and we decided we need to meet & just see what comes of it, so I say follow your heart & maybe this current boyfriend just isn't your prince charming after all! Good luck Sarah on whatever you choose to do! =)
red light. get out of the relationship, it's not going to get any better, trust.
and how about you stay single for a while and sort yourself out before hopping on another dude's dick?
If you choose your 'friend' over your boyfriend, everything will be nice for the first six months and then he'll turn out to be a jerk too. Jusss sayin'
Be single for a bit. I would love to take the high road and say "Don't date guys that play video games and ignore you like that" but, I've been there, done that, and I've been in the guys situation as well. Just take it slow. Maybe a "timeout" to think would help if you're not keen on just splitting. Good luck!
I was in your position not too long ago except me and my friend always kept a certain distance from the other without knowing that we liked one another. My ex (boyfriend at the time) was a complete jerk and aside from these feelings I had for my friend I was completely unhappy I would dream of being with my friend, but he was always respectful of my relationship and never confessed anything to me although I suspected. Eventually the natural course took care of everything my ex drove me to the end and I broke up with him. A month later my friend confessed to me and we started dating. Now we're engaged and I couldn't be happier ^_^ my advice to you is that if your no longer happy in your relationship either cut it off or let him know. You decide if you want to save your relationship or move on. But do it for you not because of your friend like you said you never know if your friend might be a jerk in disguise as well.
Dump your boyfriend. If he were right for you, you wouldn't be so tempted by this other guy. The other guy sounds better imho anyway.
Be careful. If you do end things with your BF, let it be because he's not your match. However, keep in mind that after a while, after the newness wears off, guys let a little more of themselves show, so to speak, just like girls do. Neither side's perfect. So, be careful. If you expect a relationship to always be as perfect as it was in the beginning, you'll be sorely disappointed. Look for a relationship that in spite of the bad times, you still see it as mostly good. That's a relationship worth keeping. :) Best wishes!
I'd say it is much too soon to think that you know the friend well enough to include what-ifs about him in your decision-making, and thus you need to determine first whether your current relationship is one that you should attempt to fix. Relationships always have issues, so you can't simply discount it because another guy is making you feel better at the moment. Concentrate on the current one first.
Why do you need someone else to land on in order to fly away from the guy you're already with? It sounds like it isn't working out, and for one reason or the other he isn't fulfilling your needs. If you want it to work, discuss these problems with him. If you don't, then leave him. Don't only leave him if you know something better is waiting...just leave him and be single for a while until you do find the right person.
If you do break up with your current boyfriend, don't do it for this friend of yours, do it for yourself. And then enjoy being single for a little while before considering dating your friend. Become reacquainted with who you are outside of a relationship before diving head first into the next one -(which sounds exciting and romantic, but I promise that your feelings will become confused if you do this)
I wish you this best of luck!
guy 2
Ok my thoughts...if you are at the point that you can have feelings for someone else, it's time to move on.
However, a guy who will make any kind of pass at you while youre in a relationship isn't worth your time either. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. And by the things youve said he has said, he would cheat with you if given the right lead. I think you need to ditch them both and find a good guy.